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Healing
by Hester
She couldn't remember when it had started. Sometime during the day, the long day filled with reports and observations, meetings and discussions, it had started and had kept growing ever since. Now it was evening, her shift was over, and she couldn't wait to get back to her quarters.
The doors seemed to open exceedingly slow, and she stormed through before they had fully parted. Anger rising out of control, she looked around, desperate. She needed to smash something.
Anything.
A couple of padds lay on the low table by her couch. One quick sweep by her hand sent them flying through the air, scattering all over. The sofa cushions followed suit, being hurtled against the wall, too soft to really make an impact. Too soft to quell the rage within her.
At first it had been just a slight feeling of annoyance, hardly worth mentioning or even thinking about. But over the course of the day it had grown, changing into disappointment, anger, and finally blazing rage. Add to that the realization of self-delusion and having been ignorant of the truth, and what you got was a highly explosive cocktail of short temper and long-neglected feelings.
The fact that she met with no resistance only fueled those sentiments. Lucid for a short moment, she realized there'd be nothing inside her quarters that would be challenging enough. There was just one place which could provide what she needed. She was out the door and almost flying down the corridor without losing another second.
Fortunately, the holodeck was empty. She locked the doors and called up Sandrine's, then paused and looked around with a heavy sigh. She knew it had been right to come here.
For a brief moment she closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. "Computer, disable holodeck safety protocols. Override code Janeway-four-zero-alpha-nine."
The computer gave a soft chirp. "Holodeck safety protocols disabled."
Janeway exhaled slowly. Then she opened her eyes, grabbed a chair and threw it against the wall. Her screams echoed off the walls of the holodeck, unheard by anyone but herself.
Commander Chakotay walked the long corridors of Voyager on his way to the holodeck. He had a standing reservation for two hours every Wednesday night, time he usually used to meditate in one of his nature programs. Being surrounded by familiar scenery, be it his home planet, the desert of Arizona on Earth or any other location he was fond of for one reason or another, always helped him to reach a deeper level of meditation, and he enjoyed the close connection to his ancestors and his animal guide.
When he reached the holodeck he was surprised to find the doors locked and a program running. Normally, everybody knew and respected the time schedule which was posted on the display next to the door, so he wondered who had the nerve to lock him out and rob him of his time off. It should not be too hard to find out.
"Computer, list personnel currently on Holodeck 2."
"Captain Kathryn Janeway," the melodious female voice replied, not at all affected by Chakotay's slightly annoyed tone.
The commander stood surprised for a moment. "Which program is she running?" he asked, wondering why Janeway hadn't asked him if she wanted to swap holodeck time slots.
"Sandrine's Bar, Marseille," came the reply. Chakotay was about to ask another question when, almost as an afterthought, the computer added, "Holodeck safety protocols have been disabled. Access to the holodeck has been restricted to command personnel with level six security clearance only."
Now Chakotay began to worry. Only three people on the ship had such a high security clearance: Captain Janeway, Chief of Security Tuvok, and himself. And why had she disabled the safety protocols? Something was definitely wrong.
"Status of Captain Janeway?" he inquired, mentally preparing himself for ordering an emergency medical transport if necessary.
"Heartbeat and body temperature above normal, stress levels elevated, minor physical injuries," the computer reported, impassive as usual. Sometimes Chakotay wondered whether it's voice pattern had been programmed to match a Vulcan's. "No immediate danger."
His agitation subsided somewhat. At least she wasn't caught in any life-threatening situation. He still wondered though why she had locked herself in, at Sandrine's of all places.
He decided to try one more alternative before using his override code and violating her privacy. He touched his communicator. "Chakotay to Janeway."
No response.
"Commander Chakotay to Captain Janeway. Please respond or I will be forced to enter the holodeck to ensure your safety."
Only silence followed his words. Chakotay hesitated no longer. "Override holodeck lock-out, security clearance Chakotay-delta-epsilon-five-sigma. Open holodeck doors."
"Override clearance accepted. You may enter." The doors parted.
Chakotay quickly stepped through, allowing the doors to close behind him before proceeding any further. "Computer. Restore access restriction. List Holodeck 2 as off-limits to all personnel until further notice. Authorization Chakotay, XO."
"Authorization accepted." An automated message would be sent to Tuvok, informing him of Chakotay's actions. No doubt he would be surprised, but the commander trusted the chief of security's discretion.
He slowly advanced towards the center of the room, taking in his surroundings bit by bit.
The place was a mess.
Chairs had been thrown about and obviously been used for bashing objects as well. Shards of broken glass littered the floor, different liquids mixed and mingled around the overturned tables. The pool table, usually the most treasured pastime the bar had to offer, now looked as if someone had deliberately sliced its felt cover with a very sharp knife and proceeded to rip it to shreds. The billiard queues had been broken in half, the balls were strewn about the room; one had even gotten stuck in the wall paneling after a powerful throwing attack. Everything which was even remotely fragile had been shattered into a thousand pieces. The whole place had the appearance of a tornado having moved through at full speed.
Right in front of Chakotay something gleamed silvery in the light, and when he took a closer look he found it to be Janeway's communicator, also crushed. No wonder she hadn't answered his hails.
Janeway herself was nowhere in sight. At first Chakotay thought that the computer had misinformed him concerning her location, but then he heard something, very faint, coming from behind the bar. A muffled sob.
He quickly crossed the room, broken glass crunching beneath his boots. He moved around the bar, and there she was, huddled in a corner.
Her knees were drawn up to her chin, face buried in her hands. She looked like a little child, crying softly.
Chakotay kneeled down next to her and touched her arm. "Kathryn," he said softly, trying not to startle her.
Her head shot up and she shrunk back from his voice. Her eyes were red and swollen, and there were small cuts on her hands and wrists. Taking in her whole form, Chakotay only now noticed that her uniform had several stains and tears in different places, but she did not seem to be seriously injured. She looked at him, and it took her a moment to realize who he was.
"Chakotay?" she finally said, her voice so small he almost didn't recognize it. It broke his heart to see her in this condition. The look in her eyes was one of utter despair and helplessness, and he did the only thing he could think of at that moment: he pulled her towards himself and enfolded her in his strong arms, trying to give her at least some measure of comfort and security.
Janeway did not resist. The tears sprang forth again and she cried uncontrollably, sobs racking her body.
Chakotay just held her. It didn't surprise him anymore that she had been hiding in the holodeck. She had needed an outlet for her frustration -- the reason for which he had yet to find out, although he had a pretty good idea -- but couldn't take the chance that the crew would see their usually unflappable captain losing control like this. The holodeck had been the only safe place on the ship -- soundproof and full of breakables that would feel real to the touch but would leave no mess to clean up once the crisis was over.
Gradually, Janeway's sobs quieted and she pulled back from Chakotay to wipe at her eyes. He reached for one of the napkins stored behind the bar, untouched by her previous rage because of their softness and inability to shatter with a satisfying sound, and handed it to her. Janeway gratefully accepted it and blew her nose, then looked up at Chakotay. The unspoken question in his eyes re-ignited her anger and she pounded her knees, the napkin crunched and forgotten in one of her clenched fists.
"How the hell could I have been so blind?! You tried to tell me before, but I just didn't see, didn't want to see it. Now look where I am: as soon as they find out everybody will be laughing at me. Oh, I've been such a fool!"
The crumpled napkin flew through the air, just barely missing Chakotay's right ear. Janeway looked around furiously for something else to throw, but Chakotay caught her wrists and forced her to look at him. "Let it out, Kathryn. Tell me about it. Breaking the rest of the furniture in this room won't make you feel any better, but talking about your problem will. I'm here to listen."
"My problem? What do you know about my problems? You didn't have anyone waiting for you back home, for all you cared we could have settled down and stayed in this quadrant forever. I thought I had a life waiting for me!"
She struggled briefly to free herself from his grip but he didn't let go. Exhausted, she finally sank back against the wall. When she spoke again, her voice was tired and full of resignation. "How could I think that if we made it home things would be the same, no matter how long we had been gone? How could I assume or even expect that he would wait for me? It's been almost four years -- life goes on, people change. Even if we had made it home a month, a year ago, it wouldn't have been the same."
She laughed, a bitter sound which Chakotay had never heard from her before. "But of course I thought that I could simply shake off all these years and pick up my old life where I left it when we departed from Deep Space Nine and headed for the badlands." Her anger rose again. "Sometimes I wish I never heard of this damn ship! Why did it have to be us? And why did I have to destroy that array? I had no right to destroy the lives of everybody aboard this ship."
"If you had to face the same dilemma again, would your decision be different now?" Chakotay's voice was low and even, not really asking a question but rather stating a fact which she had purposely tried to avoid.
Janeway's gaze dropped to her hands which were still caught in Chakotay's firm grasp. She slightly moved her fingers, without actually trying to free them. "No," she whispered.
"Then you should finally forgive yourself for stranding Voyager here. They've done it long ago." A slight movement of his head included all areas of the ship and all the people contained within its hull.
The look she cast him was still full of doubt. Not about them, he realized, but about herself, her ability to give the crew what they needed: a strong leader, ready to face the demons of the Delta Quadrant without ever looking back, even if it meant personal sacrifice.
"They look up to you and admire you for having the strength to make the decision and stick with it, however unpopular it may be. It is all right to questions those decisions, reevaluate them and sometimes even decide to amend them, but not this one. Not this decision, Kathryn."
Chakotay lifted his hand and caught Janeway's chin to make her look straight into his eyes. "If you hadn't destroyed that array, the Ocampa would have perished in a generation or two. I don't think anyone aboard this ship would want to be back in the Alpha Quadrant right now, knowing that an entire race paid the price for their return."
"And look at them." He released her face and moved his hand in a large circle, seemingly rendering the walls of the holodeck transparent where it passed, so they could look out into the different areas of the ship. "When you look at your crew, don't you see that they are happy? Yes, they all still want to get home, but meanwhile they've made new lives aboard Voyager. They've changed, become a family. And you are a very important part of that family."
Janeway smiled, the first smile he'd seen from her the whole day. "I have changed, too," she said slowly, shaking her head as if trying to clear it. "I just didn't want to admit it until today. Mark's letter forced me to face the truth, but I had been denying that truth for so long that I couldn't accept it." She looked around at the mess she had created in her rage, and actually had to chuckle slightly. "I guess it was stronger than me."
Chakotay patted her shoulder. "I'm just glad you didn't destroy your quarters. That would have been much harder to explain."
Janeway's expression sobered. "Promise you won't tell anyone."
"And destroy your reputation as a reckless captain with nerves of steel and a heart of stone? That would be insubordination, and you'd have me thrown in the brig." His grin was infectious.
"I'm glad you remember who the boss is around here."
Chakotay rose, then extended a hand to help Janeway get to her feet. "Permission to invite the captain to dinner tonight, to help her come off of her bleak thoughts about the past and the future?"
"Permission granted." Janeway smiled again, then on an impulse leaned forward and hugged her first officer. "Thank you for being such a good friend. I could never have done this without you."
He hugged her back and for a moment they just stood like that, leaning on each other for the emotional support that was so hard to get at this distance from home. Finally Chakotay released her and offered her his arm instead. "Let's get you cleaned up and ready for dinner. I'm starving, and I'm sure Neelix is already wondering where we are."
Janeway nodded and wrapped her hand around his arm. After taking one last look around the room she addressed the computer. "End Program."
Everything around them vanished, leaving only a small, golden metal object in the middle of the room, reflecting the light from the holodeck grids. Janeway picked it up and looked at it thoughtfully, then closed her hand around it and turned towards the door. "Let's go."
Chakotay merely nodded, and together they left the now empty room behind.
There wasn't really meant to be one, but there is one now: Friends, the sequel to "Healing".
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avid readers since June 5, 1998
© 1998 by Hester