The Celestial Doughnut

Chapter 1

It was a cold, dark night in space. This is not generally thought of as at all strange as space shares a certain phenomena with Milton Keynes night-clubs, a complete lack of atmosphere*. This particular piece of space however, was even colder and darker than normal for an entirely different reason.

(*People in Milton Keynes had always assumed that this was a ploy designed by the management of the night-clubs to make you dance as close as possible to the nearest person, despite not being able to see them, and conserve bodily warmth so electricity could be saved.)

This particular piece of space had been forgotten by reality; it had become a reality void. (Cue dramatic music).

Having realised this reality suddenly became very worried and desperately tried to remember what had previously been there, but to no avail.

Elsewhere in the universe Professor Vonklopfen was working in his study. His study involved hundreds of books, a fireplace, and a door, ignoring of course him, his desk and chair which were nowhere near the walls and didn't obstruct the books in their attempt to cover all the walls in any way. His working involved him reading a paper on nuclear fusion, and looking very confused.

He had worked his entire working life in an old fashioned nuclear fission power station, despite having absolutely no idea whatsoever how a nuclear fission reactor works, he'd never let that get in his way but he had decided that getting to grips with nuclear fusion would greatly assist his career.

He was just beginning to understand the concept of the atom when he heard footsteps in the corridor. Knowing that the building should be empty he went to the nearest bookcase, picked up the largest book in the room and hid behind the door.

Reality was blind, he could not see in the conventional sense. This did not affect him adversely as being reality the entire universe was happening within him, so being able to see it was totally unnecessary. He could sense the professor hiding behind the door, so he did not seem to be much of a threat. Any way if the professor had known the affects of hitting reality over the head he wouldn't have even considered it, as it would result in instant apocalypse.

Reality opened the door, the professor dropped the book on his own head and passed out, falling to a heap on the floor. Reality did not expect this, and never predicted anything anyway, having the entire present locked in your skull causes you to ignore the future and forget the past, which incidentally resulted in him never getting a hangover.

On the other hand Reality did know what the book the professor had chosen to use as a weapon was, but he had already forgotten several times and been reminded by it's appearance in his mind. This is irrelevant as he picked up the professor and put him over one shoulder and picked up the book with the other hand, he tutted at the very existence of the book which was partially his own fault, he really should have forgotten about the book and remember what had previously been in that chunk of now empty space, then he went elsewhere, while the study quietly remained a study and the fire continued to burn in the fireplace, in that way fire generally does.

When the professor eventually came round he found himself in a void of light, this he wouldn't have found too bothering if it wasn't for the fact he could still see perfectly well. At his feet he discovered the book. This was the book he had chosen to take half way across the universe at more than a thousand times the speed of light. This was the only thing he had other than the clothes he wore. This was "1001 fun things to do on a rainy afternoon, for boys". He had never managed to work out why he had kept this book all those years, it was just something he had never got round to disposing of, it was big and had a green card board cover and the page edges had that marbling effect that all books used to have.

In the absence of anything better to do he decided to sit down and read the aforementioned book. To most people this would seen pointless as he had read it a thousand times and could remember word for word every page of the book, but this is what he did all the same.

When he got to the first real page, ignoring the copyright notices and contents pages, he got a shock. He had expected to find "How to make a ten pin bowling alley with sticky back plastic and toilet rolls", but instead he found something written by someone who had obviously heard of written English but never actually seen any, it read "How to create a complete planet, without the use of sticky back plastic or toilet rolls".

He suddenly whined, "I can't do that, I wouldn't know where to start", at the book, he instantly regretted it and decided to turn over the page and forget it had ever happened.

Unfortunately the next page didn't allow him to forget it, as it answered that which he had whined, the writing was gradually improving with practise but still had a long way to go, it read "You are the creator, you are going to create a planet if it is the last thing you ever do, you are more than capable and if you whine at me again I may choose to forget you were ever born".

This was all to much so he decided to throw down the book and run away so he could hide in a corner and plan his next strategy. He threw down the book and ran off, only to discover that his plan had two minor faults, firstly wherever he went he discovered that the book seemed to get there first, and secondly this light void he was occupying was apparently infinite and therefore distinctly lacking in the corner department.

Back on Earth it was morning, but on this morning the sun didn't climb gracefully into the sky, showering the horizon with crimson and gold. On this day the sun decided to crawl into the sky behind some clouds, and then jump out at you, as if to say "it's 10am already, why aren't you up?", well, that was how Derek Dufel saw it.

He had woken in his office, as he had been kicked out of his flat some two weeks earlier, which was not a great surprise to anyone who knew he hadn't paid the rent in three months, but Derek had been distinctly peeved by his landlady's decision, and seemed quite shocked to find she still wanted his money.

Being an "Agent to the Stars" wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He like so many other people had a cash flow problem, cash flowed out of his office and debt flowed back. His client list consisted of a good one hundred and fifty actors, actresses, singers, dancers, comedians and general no hopers. In all honesty they were all no hopers. It wasn't that they couldn't sing or dance or act, it was just that they were all totally useless when it came to an audition.

He was lying on the floor with his feet in the bottom drawer of the desk and his head in the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet, he ached at both ends and was wondering if it was worth getting up when the phone rang. He hurriedly tried to get to his feet, but bashed his head on the drawer above. When he did manage to get to his feet he couldn't find the phone, he searched through all the drawers and eventually found it in the bin. After putting so much effort into answering the phone that when he discovered it was a wrong number he swore at the woman until she cried and then told her to "have a nice day!"

As he was fully awake he decided that he should try and do something constructive with his time. He shaved, but couldn't find any shaving foam so grated the soap into a small bowl and lathered it up. Having eventually finished that he took the camping stove out of the second drawer up and lit it, his breakfast would have to consist of a single, individual boiled egg. He hadn't eaten anything except boiled eggs and baked beans since he had the misunderstanding with his landlady. He used the water he had boiled the water in to make a cup of tea, using the freshest tea bag he could find (he had used it only 7 times previously).

As he drank his tea there was a knock at the door. He tipped the rest of the water into the pot plant by his desk, and then he cleared the desk into one of the drawers. On opening the door he discovered a somewhat strange figure glaring at him.

"Did you enjoy your breakfast?", the figure asked.

"How did you, I mean who the, what is going on?", Derek mumbled as he tried to remember how to think without talking, as everything had gone through his mind it had been sent to his mouth, confusion was not an unusual state of affairs for Derek Dufel.

"I am Reality, I therefore know everything, and I am here to make a business proposition", Reality replied to all the questions Derek had attempted to ask, which allowed Derek to focus his mind on what had worried him about Reality's first question; when reality spoke his lips didn't move, reality just decided that sound waves conveying his message would appear before him, this was as you would expect, most disconcerting.

Derek's mind was racing. It could barely keep up with life on a normal morning, but this was no normal morning and things were getting too much. He gave up and decided that talking instead of thinking might just be a way of getting him to tomorrow.

"Whatever you wish to propose, I will consider," he said in a way which he hoped sounded as if he meant business, "just name what you are willing to pay and I will see what I can do."

"I want everyone you can find, you are going to be involved in the casting of a whole planet, and the payment is another life", Reality replied in a manner that suggested that he did this everyday, "for you, maybe a kingdom."

This was just too much for Derek so he passed out. This annoyed Reality as everyone he had met in the day up until that point had now passed out, he was beginning to think it was him.

Back in his light void Professor Vonklopfen was just getting into the swing of being all powerful, he was getting along fine in the planet creation department.

He had already decided on a doughnut shaped planet, though the reason for this decision was not that he thought that such a planet shape was a good idea, it was simply that he had been thinking of his stomach when the book had asked him. Having decided on this the two sun idea seemed to follow quite naturally.

The plan to have six countries and a single sea was slightly more cunning though, this would allow all the countries to have borders with all the other countries and a coastline with the sea. He had always known that his reading up on the topology of strange shapes would one day prove useful, though he had never imagined it would allow him to create a planet without any trading problems, it was a true masterpiece.

He was getting down to the finer details of geography, having put in a few mountains and several streams, when Reality appeared again. He found this an amazingly shocking experience as he had not previously seen reality, in the flesh. He found himself hiding behind the book which he had not long ago feared.

"Don't worry about the people, I've got it sorted!", was all he heard before the apparition disappeared.

What seemed even stranger was the book, for no apparent reason it decided to improve it's text to a legible print. Though the writing had improved with practise, it had still required concentration to read, the sudden change to standard print caused the professor to have yet another panic attack, but being dragged across the universe faster than the speed of light does tend to make people a little sensitive.

This panic attack put him into a nostalgia trip, though his childhood was not exactly worthwhile remembering. He remembered when he had been called Walter, an amazingly long time ago as even his wife called him professor (though he couldn't remember her name and generally called her "Wife"). He remembered the accident in the chemistry lab at school, he wished he could forget, he screamed.

Derek was on the phone. He had phoned John, Dave, Roger, Richard and the Roberts Brothers, he had spent ten minutes talking to Jenny at "Stars R Us".

Now he was on the phone to Jean-Pierre, his "French Connection", this was the biggest job ever to see the face of the earth and he was having problems getting anyone to believe a single word he was saying. As Reality had explained that there would be multicloning and nobody would have to leave the earth at all, it was also the easiest job ever.

"Jean-Pierre, mon ami, all you need to do is organise auditions for every actor in France, we'll sort out the rest."

"Je ne comprend pas. Je ne sais pas. I am not err, what do you say certain."

"Just trust me on this one, look I've got to go, New York is on the other line", Derek lied as he didn't have another line and he was going to phone New York, not the other way round.

He sat back and breathed a sigh of relief, only to find reality standing behind him, much to his surprise.

"How is it going?"

"Just as I told you, no problems. Things couldn't be going better, I'm just going to phone New York."

"Fine. Well what are you waiting for?"

"Okay. I'm doing my best", he said as he dialled, "Hello Steve, it's Derek, in London. I've got a proposition."

Go to the top of the page.
Go to homepage.
Go to Chapter 2.

You know what the usual disclaimers are, so I don't see why I should bother repeating them here.

© 1996 g.m.brown@ic.ac.uk

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page