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Eddy was wandering around inside Reality's head, that was his job so that was what he did. His purpose in life was to confuse Reality, and did a good job of it. By confusing Reality he made life in general more interesting for everyone, as without him things just refused to change, one dull day just followed another and things were boring.
He had decided to create the reality void to test Reality. He knew it would make Reality actually create something himself, from scratch. Well, that had been the original idea. He had expected Reality to enlist some help but this system of using human beings to do absolutely everything was going too far. Having spent the whole of time in Reality's head he knew that imagination was not exactly a characteristic, but he had expected him to use some.
He had hoped that he would invent everything right down to every single snowflake falling on every individually designed blade of grass. That was the way things were done in the old days, but times had changed. Nothing ever stayed the same, but that was Eddy's fault as much as anyone's.
Reality had grown old and tired, over an infinite time scale ageing does occur. It is not as many believe, you don't remain forever young when you are immortal, you remain forever old. When you have been able to use your bus pass for the majority of eternity things aren't quite as simple as you might think, or try to think as your mind can't take the stress of actually thinking, considering the mind in question contains the entire universe, itself, and an annoying little confuser called Eddy.
Eddy had to rethink his plan, he had to create an entirely new strategy, he had to approach the problem from a new angle, he had to eat pizza. Why not? Everyone knows that all of the best ideas come while you are eating pizza*.
(*Unlike good farts which come when you've eaten curry, or good heart attacks which come from eating fish & chips.)
Back on Earth things were going "swimmingly" as Derek put it, all over the world actors were going to auditions, being given large sums of money for doing absolutely nothing, then being duplicated a couple of times and being told to make themselves scarce and never say a word to anyone. Which was pretty damn irrelevant as they hadn't seen anything to tell anyone about. All the same there were no major problems arising.
The thing that was worrying Derek was where the duplicates were being stored, and what would happen if they met each other, on the other hand Derek was a worrier and worried about absolutely everything. When he woke up in the morning he worried about which day of the week it was, when he got dressed he worried about which colour socks would be best, basically he worried, constantly.
Reality had other problems, he had to get all the duplicates from non space where they were not being stored (they were not being stored in non space because even Reality had rules to follow, and he wasn't allowed to keep things in non space, but in fact they weren't anywhere else and they had to be somewhere) to the doughnut planet (which was not being built because it had been there all along, because Reality couldn't have forgotten something as large as a planet). The problem was whenever Reality moved anything from non space Eddy had total power over it, and could therefore alter what arrived at the other end. Reality knew of this misfortune and always tried to avoid it's occurrence, but he had to send things via non space or they were altered by space time continuum and other things which Reality neither understood nor controlled.
Elsewhere in the universe the professor, who had now got used to being the supreme God and was therefore calling himself God, had finished the planet and was worrying about how he himself should look, as a God he would have to be perfect, he decided that no change was necessary as he was already perfect.
So it began, what was once a sugar covered lump of fried batter had become an idea, which had in turn become a planet, which was now to be populated. It had occurred due to an incompetent nuclear physicist, a practically unemployed theatrical agent and the biggest ever improbability. But that doesn't matter as fiction without improbability may as well be reality, but Reality wouldn't like that.
Eddy was doing amazingly well. He had decided that on the way out of non space he would make a few changes to how things had previously been planned. For a start the planet would use very basic mediaeval technology and his newly invented mind science, a sort of magic by which you made things happen by not only reading but also writing to Reality's mind, that would of course be guaranteed to make Reality thoroughly annoyed, if they started small so they could only move things around in the local area and then they were left to develop until they had more control over Realitys mind than Reality had himself there would be nothing he could do until it was too late.
He had also decided that everyone would have a little too much of the hormone that makes people philosophical, to slow down the planet, he had a very strange image of someone going to the butchers and asking for some sausages and the butcher asking why in the hope that he would receive some inspiration as to the meaning of life.
He had decided against making all the people mutated beyond recognition, but he had given some of the people gills as well as lungs and dropped them into the ocean, he only hoped for their sakes that they realised that they needed to use the gills and not the lungs before they met an untimely end.
His decision to put people who were identical about 10 miles apart, this was no problem as there were duplicates of absolutely everyone, except Derek Dufel and God*, by putting them 10 miles from each other they were unlikely to meet each other immediately, but he could psychically link them so they kept getting shock messages from each other just as they least expected it, and other people who were wondering around the countryside would keep running into people who he or she was sure they had met before but for some reason couldn't remember a thing about it. As you may have noticed Eddy specialised in those little things, nothing which was particularly unpleasant, just the things that made people anxious when the subject of their sanity came up.
*Both had decided that one of themselves was plenty enough and that extras wondering around would cause them no end of problems, and as they hadn't been through non space Eddy hadn't got to them, though it was only through Reality's intense concentration that they hadn't been spread over the whole of time and space when they went across the universe at many thousand times the speed of light.
Eddy was a perfectionist, part of his job was to make sure that nobody except Reality could find out that he existed, he was also expected to tell the supreme rulers whenever Reality got up to anything he shouldn't, but unfortunately Reality had been blackmailing him with something that was supposed to have happened just before the beginning of time when Eddy was in the toilets instead of attending an important conference, Reality had claimed that something had been said which if he let out would result in the end of Eddy. Wherever or not this was true Eddy did not know, he wasn't sure that it was possible for Reality to lie, but even if it was possible Reality could be telling the truth, in which case Eddy didn't want to risk it
Derek had said he didn't want to be a king, he said he wanted to be a hero rising from the ordinary people until he became a living legend (he read Robin Hood many years ago and liked the idea, in fact he couldn’t remember having read a book since, unless you count the manual for the video recorder), Reality chortled in a way that suggested that the day this happened Satan would be skating to work, but had made him ordinary and given him a few special skills. Reality being naturally of such a gargantuan scale, was also naturally patronising, but Derek wasn't clever enough to recognise this, however obvious it was.
Reality was fed up. He was watching Eddy at work, well a blind man doesn't exactly watch, but he could see what was going on anyway, and that was why he was fed up. He longed to be able to do something about Eddy's little antics, but he knew he was powerless. When he had accepted the job he hadn't been told about Eddy, he had been told he would be in total control of the universe, he had been duped.
And it wasn't exactly a job he could resign from, he was stuck with the universe until the day that it died. It was a bit like a catholic marriage, except it would last for all eternity and you couldn't get a divorce even if you gave up the religion.
Being in almost total control of the universe for some reason made you amazingly envious when you saw the person controlling the other bit at work, when you have as much as Reality you just want that little bit more, who would have almost everything when they could have absolutely everything.
On the other hand he was quite pleased with the fact that Eddy had decided not to do anything too extreme, things could have been much much worst, but Eddy was still scared of Reality and what he could do. He got an immense feeling of satisfaction from the fact that Eddy was scared enough of him not to do anything severe.
Now the story of the creation has ended you reach the epilogue, that which follows is here solely for the purpose of being here, so you can see how practical the entire planet is, and more to the point, how exacly Reality attempts his divorce, how God AKA professor VonKlopfen manages to work out that devine powers kill off your social life, and how Derek Dufel manages in his attempt to become a living legend. Now is the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.
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© 1996 g.m.brown@ic.ac.uk
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