Jokes

Last updated 12-01-97

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An elderly man decided to join a nudist colony. At the entrance, he was told that the cost to join was $10,000. The senior citizen thought the price was a bit much just to walk around naked, so the colony receptionist told the man, "Why don't you try a one day free trial and see how you like it?" The elderly man agreed. The man removed all his clothes and stepped out onto the campground to join the other nudists. The first person the man saw was a beautiful woman. The sight of her naked body caused the old man to get an erection. The woman saw the erection and without so much as a word, approached the man and proceeded to have sex with him on the spot. After the deed was done, the man went directly back to the colony receptionist and, still smiling, wrote a check for $10,000. The old man returned to join the other nudists. This time, as he stepped onto the camp ground, he tripped over a stone and fell. A gay man seeing the old guy laying face down, came up behind him and had his way with him. Afterwards the old man returned to the receptionist, demanding his check be returned. When asked why, the old man said, "I get an erection only once a month, but I fall down three times a day."

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN" Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep. Later that night Adam woke up. filling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. "What the heck are you doing?" he asked. "I'm counting your ribs" she responded.

* This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing! ". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again .. ." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the Medical Examiner and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again. ". . . On the road again . . ." The Medical Examiner is totally unimpressed. "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asks. "Are you kidding?" says the Medical Examiner. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

OPERATION.... A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation. The young woman asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that question after a tonsillectomy!"

* An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

* A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

* One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse." "No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??" "Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

* A man stands in the hospital waiting room as his wife is in labor with his first son. After hours of waiting, the doctor comes out and has an odd look on his face. Seeing this the man asks the doctor what the problem was, "Is my baby okay, is my wife okay....what's the problem doctor." The doctor responds by telling the man that his wife if fine, but the was a minor problem with the baby. "You baby is...well, he is alive." "What!!?" the man exclaims, "what do you mean he's alive. What's wrong with my son?!" The doctor reassures him that his son is doing well, but that he was born with no arms, no legs, and no torso. "No arms, legs, or torso....that means he's just a....a...HEAD. Well, that doesn't matter, he's my boy, and I will love him till the day he dies." Joyed at hearing this the doctor takes him in to see his wife and the baby.
21 years later the man and his boy are in a bar for the young mans first drink. The man asks the bartender for the BIGGEST, STRONGEST drink he can make. The bartender then brings over the biggest glass anyone had ever seen, and the father says, "Here you go son, your first drink." The head rolls forward and takes a huge drink, then suddenly a torso pops out. **BOING** "My god son....you have a body!" the man proclaims, "take another drink son...take another." The young man leans over and takes another HUGE drink, then suddenly...**BOING** out pop 2 arms. Amazed at this, the previously silent bar now chants "take another, take another" The young man wobbles forward and takes another GIANT drink, then suddenly...**BOING - BOING** out pop 2 legs. Overjoyed with this the crowd and the father all cheer at the miracle. Then the young man, tipsy and clouded, stands rather unsteady on his new found legs, then stumbles out the door and into the street where he gets hit by a trash truck and dies. The bar falls silent and the only sound is that of the bartender, who had not really been interested in the events, whistling an old irish tune. The father looks at him and says, "Sir, you must be the cruelest man on the planet, my son just died out there, how can you be so cold." The bartender replies, "Well...the boy should have quit while he was ahead......"
GROAN..This joke recently aired on the Mark and Brian Show on KLOS 95.5 in Southern California and assorted other syndicated stations.

* A man is walking down the street, when he looks over and sees a frog sitting on the sidewalk. The frog looks up and says in a sweet voice, "I am really a princess. If you kiss me just once, I will return to my human form and do anything for you." The man picks up the frog, looks at it, then places it in his pocket. He then headsheads on his way again. A short time later a voice is heard from his pocket, "Didn't you hear me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything for you." The man takes the frog from his pocket, looks at it for a moment, and then returns it to his pocket. Shortly after the voice is heard again, this time with a frustrated tone, "Hey! What's wrong with you?! I said if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and do ANYTHING you want!" The man pulls out the frog and says to it, "Look, I'm a computer science student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is kind of neat."

* An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer are traveling down the highway, when the car suddenly jolts, dies, then rolls to a stop. The electrical engineer, suggests stripping down the cars electronics to find the problem. The chemical engineer, says they should clean out the fuel system to get back under way. The Microsoft engineer concludes that they should: close the windows, get out, get back in, then reopen the windows to solve the problem.

* This drunk is sitting at the bar. The bar is at the top of a very tall hotel. After a while he goes to the window, opens it, and throws himself out. Shocked, two other patrons run to the window and watch in horror as the drunk plummets toward the pavement below. Just then, miraculously, the man is swept up an instant before hitting the sidewalk, and flies right back up and in through the window. Amazed, the patrons ask if he can do that again. He complies, gladly. When he returns the second time, they ask him how he did that. "Simple, he said, slurring his words badly. "There's an air vent down there, and just before you hit the pavement, the gush of air lifts you right back up. You guys should try it." Skeptical, but daring, the two race toward the open window, plummet to the earth, and are squashed instantly like bugs on the street. The drunk returns to the bar, and giggling orders another scotch. As the bartender serves the drink, he says to the man, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

* This guy was at a theater and was sprawled out over 3 seats. The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy mumbled but didn't answer. He went and got the manager. The manager said to the man, "Sir, if you don't move, I'll call the police to have you removed." The guy mumbled, but didn't answer. So, the manager calls the police and a cop comes over. The cop says to the man, "Hey mister. What's you name?" The man reply's "Pete." The cop asks him,"Where ya from, Pete?" The man replys,"The balcony."

* A helicopter was flying around Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course. He needed help to steer to the airport. The pilot then saw a tall building, flew over to it, and while circling the building, drew a handwritten sign and held it up to the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. The people in the building quickly responded to the helicopter, drew a large sign and held it up to the building's window. Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved to the people in the building, looked at his map, and flew straight back to the Seattle Airport and landed. After they were on the ground the passenger asked the pilot how the sign "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" helped determine his position? The pilot responded, "I knew I had to be at the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

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Q & A Jokes

Q. What do you get when you cross Lee Iacoca with a vampire?
A. AUTOEXE.BAT

Q. How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, that's a hardware problem.

Q. How does Bill Gates screw in a light bulb?
A. He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q. What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
A. Two lips!

Q. Why do cows wear bells?
A. Because their horns don't work.

One Liners

Police station toilet stolen...Cops have nothing to go on.
Energizer Bunny arrested-Charged with battery!
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
If Barbie is so dang popular, why do you have to buy all of her friends?
Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
If you melt a pool full of dry ice, can you swim in it without getting wet?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, when you can't drink and drive?

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Redneck Jokes

REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
Byte - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers
Diskette - Female Disco dancer
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hard copy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers
Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

The above list was submitted by my Uncle Lee, for more like this see the Medical Terms list below

You Might be a Redneck If...

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

Your definition of 'Hard Drive' is a pick up with no seat cushions on a bumpy road.

You think 'megabytes' is a good day fishing.

Your Aunt Bertha used to be your Uncle Joe.

Your gene pool, doesn't have a deep end.

Your grandfather completely executes the "Pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

You think the primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Grey.

Your momma calls you over to change a flat tire, because her house is leaning.

You fish in an above ground pool....and catch something.

You daddy's current wife was your high school sweatheart.

You use your fishing license as a form of ID.

You've ever hollered "Rock the house, Bubba!" at a piano recital.

You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup Series.

You have a NASCAR driver printed on your checks.

Your dog and your wallet, are both on a chain.

Your girlfriends idea of safe sex is locking the car door.

Your wife and your dog, bathe together.

You know all of the lyrics to the song "Convoy".

You've ever used the scope of your huntin' riffle to locate your kids.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

You're wife has only 1 bra, and you have 10 fishing poles.

The contents of your tackle box is worth more than your house.

You go to a wedding and everyone sits on one side of the church.

Your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for easter eggs.

You've ever coveted you neighbors wife...and your brother-in-law found out.

Your neighbors swing is a better tire than the one on your truck.

The new tire on your truck, used to be the neighbors swing.

You've got a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in 13 states.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and Aunt Sue Ellen to walk by.

Your kid calls your sister, Mom.

You've ever tried to drown a fish.

You've ever tried to kill a bird, by throwing it off a cliff.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour, with a fly swatter.

Your babies first words are,"Attention KMART shoppers."

You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.

Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo.

You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home>

You can yell to your mom,"Hey Aunt Betty."

You actually like SPAM.

You go Christmas shopping for your Mom, sister and girlfriend and you only need to buy one gift.

You pick up truck has a bigger turning radius than your house.

The same pair of boots has been in your family for 5 generations...and their only 20 years old>

Misc. Jokes

The following list of terms was submitted to me by my "Wierd" but "Lovable" Uncle Lee
Thanks
Medical Terminology for the Layman

ANTIBODY: against everyone
ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
BANDAGES: The Rolling Stones
BARIUM: what you do when CPR fails
BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
BOTULISM: tendency to make mistakes
BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
CAESARIAN SECTION: a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
COLIC: a sheep dog
COMA: a punctuation mark
CONGENITAL: friendly
CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
D & C: where Washington is
DILATE: to live longer
ENEMA: not a friend
ENTERITIS: a penchant for burglary
ER: the things on your head that you hear with
FESTER: quicker
FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
G.I. SERIES: baseball games between teams of soldiers
GENES: blue denim slacks
GENITAL: non-Jewish
GRIPPE: what you do to a suitcase
HANGNAIL: a coathook
HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
HERPES: what women do in the Ladies Room
HORMONES: what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid
ICU: peek-a-boo
IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
INPATIENT: tired of waiting
LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
MEDICAL STAFF: a doctor's cane
MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
MORBID: a higher offer
NITRATE: lower than day rate
NODE: was aware of
ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
ORGANIC: church musician
OUTPATIENT: a person who has fainted
PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
PLASTER CAST: the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert
POST-OPERATIVE: a letter carrier
PROTEIN: in favor of young people
RECOVERY ROOM: place to upholster furniture
RECTUM: what happened to the Corvette
RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
RHEUMATIC: amorous
SALINE: where you go on your boyfriend's boat
SECRETION: hiding anything
SEROLOGY: study of English knighthood
SURGERY: a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply
STERILE SOLUTION: not using the elevator during a fire
TABLET: a small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
TIBIA: country in North Africa
TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
TUMOR: an extra pair
URINE: opposite of "you're out"
VARICOSE: very close
VEIN: conceited

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How to Determine if Technology has Taken Over Your Life:

You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house--only computers with laser printers.

You think of the gadgets in your home as your "friends" but you can't remember your Dad's birthday.

When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on the salesperson talking to a customer and you butt in to correct him, and spend the next 20 minutes answering the customers questions while the salesperson sits there nodding.

You use the phrase "Digital Compression" in a converstaion without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

You constantly find yourself in conversations with groups of people to whom you say the phrase "Digital Compression" Everyone understands what you mean, and you aren't disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

You know Bill Gate's Email address, but you have to look up your Social Security Number.

You sign your Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

Off the top of your head you can think of 19 keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

The only people that recieve Christmas, birthday or anniversary cards from you are people that have computers. As you've started send out only Virtual Cards for special occasions.

You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

You go to a computer trade show and before begining map out your whole path through the exhibition hall, but you can't give directions to your home, without looking up the street names.

You would rather get more dots per inch, than miles per gallon.

The thought that CD could refer to finance or music rarely crosses your mind.

You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

You rotate your screen savers more often than you rotate your automobile tires.

You email these jokes to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them over the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

You understand all the above jokes. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

Top Ten things that sound dirty at the office but aren't
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have tolick one more, I'll GAG!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMM...I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number ONE thing that sounds dirty at the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

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