Hi! Welcome to my homepage!

O.K. so you clicked here. That's good now read the rules.

1. These stand-up comedy jokes must be G to PG-13.

2. NO racial, sexual, or sterotyping. Computer jokes are O.K.

3. Your joke will be published on this webpage.

4. After you write your joke, e-mail it to mark_one@hotmail.com

THESE JOKES I MADE UP

Here's a great joke if you are big on the FSU-University of Florida rivalry.

Q: What does an FSU football player minors in?

A: Gator Wrestling

This one was dedicated for that Chili Cookoff that is here in February.

You know when the chili is bad.

1. If there is antacids by the sample.

2. If you see water by the sample.

3. If the paramedics are by the chili stand.

4. If they have a first aid by the stand or insist on being by the first aid station.

5. If the chili burps.

6. If the competitors do not eat the chili.

Here's one that my friend made up and I really thought was funny

One day, I was walking down the street when I saw a guy on a roof hammering nails. While he was hammering nails, he said I was a paranoid weirdo in morse code.

Practical Jokes to Tick People Off.

This stuff is dedicated to one of my three favorite MTV shows, "The Tom Green Show."

Noisy Library

In this one, go to a library with pagers, cell phones, noisemakers, etc. Then have the devices go off consecutivly. This will sure tick people off

The 'Ol Sink and Tape Trick

This is an original one that I used on my mom on April Fools Day. First, use black tape, tape, black rubber band, etc on the hose in the kitchen sink. Be sure to cover whatever you are using. I used scotch tape, and camafloged it with black marker.

Shopper Helper

Courtsey of DJ Twitch

When you see someone leaving their cart, put in stuff you think they may not like in their shopping carts. i.e. Vitamins, and health junk. Put in some junk stuff. (Also remember to put in a psyche item. This will include an extra item that someone has.) Make sure not to get caught, and see the action.

Dry Coaches Shower

When anything calls for that "special person" (i.e. Coach) to get a gatorade bath. This is the best joke to use. First, fill some dry gatorade or Kool-aid in one of the jug things (the one that is used for the gatorade bath.) also remember a squirt gun for anyone that is part of this gag. Next, when the time calls for it (i.e. bug victory.) , dunk the "special person" with the dry substance. After he/she is dunk, squirt them with the squirt gun.

These jokes were e-mailed to me by Chris

An old man was bringing a cardboard box up to his attic one day.
His wife asks "What are you doing?" The old man says "I'm putting some
money up in the attic so when I die, on my way up to heaven I can grab it
from the attic and take it with me."
So four days later the man dies. The wife says "I wonder if he remembered
to take that money with him?" She goes up to the attic and sees that
the money is still there. She says "That fool, I KNEW he should have put it
in the BASEMENT."

Q:A plane crashes between the border of Mexico and Texas. Where
were the survivors burried?
A:No where, survivors arn't burried.

Q:There are two flies in the kitchen. Which one is a cowboy?
A:The one thats on the range.

Q:Tommy's mother has five kids, penny, nickel, dime and quarter.
Whats the name of the fifth kid?
A:Tommy

Q:A rooster lays an egg on the the sidewalk. Which way does it
roll?
A:No where, roosters don't lay eggs.

Q:Your stuck in a room with no windows or doors(don't aske me how
you got in in the first place.) All you have is a 2x4 and a hacksaw. How do
you get out?
A:Cut the 2x4 in half, put it on the wall then put the two pieces
together and it makes a whole.

[start of jokes]

Spanish (?) 101

What does "ruin sorbees" mean to you? Be warned, you're going to
find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was
nominated "best e-mail of 1997". A telephonic exchange between a
hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review.......

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest: "Sorry. I thought I dialed room service."
RS: "Rye. Ruin Sorbees. Morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh. I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den? Pry. boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please."
RS: "Ow July dee baychem crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means."
RS: "Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine. Yes,
and English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter. Just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy, tea, mill?"
G: "Yes, coffee please,and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy, singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and
copy. Rye?"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
G: "You're welcome."

P.S. - I think this person now works at the Helpdesk

[JokesZone Daily loved that one! - Next joke]

Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their
parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod
toward upstairs. The father "gets the message", and they both get
up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the two
boys and says, "we're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay
here and watch TV. We'll be right back, okay?

The two boys nod, and the parents take off upstairs. The eldest of
the 2 boys is now old enough to know what's going on, and he gets
up and tip-toes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his
mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head.

He goes back downstairs to his little brother. "Come with me," he
says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the
older brother says to the younger brother, "Now I want you to keep
in mind, this is the SAME WOMAN WHO USED TO BUST OUR
CHOPS FOR SUCKING OUR THUMBS!"

[next joke]

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking
what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding
even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same
time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay
the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if
you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

[next joke]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self
assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and
said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil
witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will
turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my
sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with
my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes,
bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream
sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, 'I don't fucking think
so!'

[next joke]

A Young Blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator
shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices. "I'll just
catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can get a
pair of shoes for free." She stomped out of the store and headed for
the swamp. Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the
blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a
huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature
between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she
struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several
other dead alligators were lined up. "Oh, no!"the blonde shouted
in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[next joke]

This guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket
the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing
over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis.
So, he went to the doctor and got put under the gas. When he
woke up, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job
repairing it. When he was ready to go home, the doctor gave him a
business card. "This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment
for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor too?"
The doc replies "No, he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put
your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

[next joke]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a
great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to
smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway,
his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He
drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for
him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word."
She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing
dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at
dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is
saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his
girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of
her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A
few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and
does arepeat performance.

Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a
little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a
sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve
remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of
Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away
from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO
THE ¤?=!# DISHES!!"

[next joke]

A man is urinating one day when the end of his willy drops off. He
thinks, "This is probably not a good thing", so he picks up the
knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.
He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in. The doctor
greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"

"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And
he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.

The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking
about? This is a marshmellow!"

"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in
here!"

[last joke]

A university professor is giving a long and particularly boring
lecture, and one of the students in the front row, of course, falls
asleep. The professor says to the student next to him, "young
man, would you be kind enough to wake up the fellow next to
you?" and the kid says, "Why should I? You put him to sleep!"

[end of jokes]

{Art Gallery}{Shadows}{Chat Room Rules}{The Sports Bar}{Sportslink}{Bowser}

{Extra Stars}{Lower Floor}{Mario Tips and Tricks}{Switches}{Upper Floor}{Video Games}

{Video Games Other}{Warps}{Yoshi}{Marketplace}{Games Menu}{Pokemon}

{Anime Multimedia}{Sailor Moon RPG}{Laser Quest}{Mindstorm}{NASCAR}