Okay, here's my life story. Please keep all hands and arms inside the story at all times. In the unlikely event of a water landing, my denoument will act as a flotation device. We are not responsible for any lost or damaged articles. Please drive forward, and turn the page when you hear the chime ring like this: :::ding::: Let's begin

NOW!

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MATT KIRK-A BRIEF NARRATIVE IN 14 PARTS

NARRATOR-June 16, 1978 was a pretty bland day in history. Nothing startling happened, no ground-breaking discoveries were made, and many children were born. One of them, the child of a certain Douglas and Charlotte Kirk (shown here) was given the name Matthew Davis.

Nar.-The happy couple had been married exactly two years and two months before the arrival of their first child. His first name literally meant "gift of God" from the Hebrew "YHWH" (God) and "mattrai" (gift). His middle name was that of the only President of the Confederate States of America. His surname was Scottish, meaning "by the church".

Nar.-As the lad grew, his parents knew he would be a special breed of individual. A contributing member to--

BOB-PHTBHHH!

Nar.-society. {glaring at Bob}

Bob-The only contribution he made to society was through the sewage system! heh heh heh...

Nar.-Excuse me, sir, but I am trying to tell an entire life story in one subsection of a web site.

Bob-Why don't ya let me tell the next part then, ya shmoe?

Nar.-Go right ahead. I don't like this next part anyway. It gives me Kafka dreams.

Bob-Huh?

Bob-Pretty soon, this kid's parents realized they needed a counterpart for this little ball of testosterone. So, they had a daughter named Amanda Kathleen (Matt thought of the middle name) Kirk. Matt liked his sister at first. She was quiet, cute, and was pretty much nothing compared to his boyish charms, which were in full swing at the time. However, when Amanda started becoming the center of attention, as shown here, Matt became a bit jealous. And then the war truly began in earnest. A war that Matt could never win. The war for attention.
Nar.-Must you keep using that word?
Bob-Leave me alone, I like it.
Nar.-Well, you don't have to be so...militant about it. It didn't have to be obscene!
Bob-It's what I do.
Nar.-I want to go home.
Bob-I'm confused.
Nar.-I can see that you are.
Bob-What were we doing?
Nar.-WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??!
Nar./Bob-Whoops. Wrong play.

Nar.-Matt then went to school, one Cajon Park Elementary--

Bob-GO FALCONS!!!

Nar.-If you keep interrupting, the whole thing will be out of my head.

Bob-Sorry. {chuckle}

Nar.-Matt then met two individuals who would become some of his closest friends. They shared a love of computers, breaking the grading curve, and music with Matt. The first, one Christopher Daniel Mitzel (left) was an aspiring young...um, something-or-other, but he knew that he would go on to great things someday.
Bob-You just made that up.
Nar.-So?
Bob-Amateur.
Nar.-I resent that remark, even if it is true...

Bob-His other friend, Michael Abrigonda Ellis(right), was obsessed with perfect attendance, perfect grades, and being the best in everything from classwork to websites.
Nar.-Which is probably why he was the only person I know who received a "Perfect Attendance" award from his elementary, junior high, and high school. And probably why GeoCities gave him 5MB for his site.
Bob-As I was saying...
Nar.-Ow.
Bob-Mike went on to begin a little group known as Rogue Squadron, of which Matt is a part (Rogue 7,see page 3) and is also the executive officer.
Nar.-Wait a minute. Where did you come from, and how do you know so much about Matt's life?
Bob-Understudy grad school, with a B.M.
Nar.-Bachelor's Degree in Music?
Bob-No. Bachelor's Degree in Matt.

Nar.-Matt, Chris, and Mike all went from Cajon Park to Santana High School, where they--

Bob-GO SULTANS!!

Nar.-Ahem.

Bob-Whoops.

Nar.--where they all managed to graduate with a 3.5 GPA or higher. During their stint at Santana, they met many new friends in the Music Dept.

Bob-That's Matt on the right.
Nar.-And who is that other one?
Bob-Um, let me look in my handy dandy pocket Matt encyclopedia...
Nar.-Oh brother.
Bob-That's Nathan Price, who graduated one year before Matt did.
Nar.-Oh yeah, he was that guy on the video who stuck his tongue out while flexing his non-existent muscles.
Bob-That's the one.

Bob-These two characters are Peter Lesaca (Rogue 9, left) and Chris Myrben (Rogue 10, right). They are Matt's wingmen in Rogue Squadron along with James Schloegel (Rogue 8, not pictured).
Nar.-I'm sure Matt feels real secure with these clowns covering his wing.
Bob-Most definitely.
Nar.-So what did they do?
Bob-Peter played trumpet, and I think Chris played a tuba.
Nar.-He looks so scrawny...are you sure he played a tuba?
Bob-Well...
Nar.-That's what I thought.
Bob-Oh, go blow it out your ...tuba!

Nar.-Aptly named "The Three Tenors", Tom Hoch (left), Jeff Dooley (center), and Matt all played tenor trombone, along with Courtney Eldreth (not pictured).
Bob-Three tenors? Oh, that was cute.
Nar.-Did you like it? I just thought that up.
Bob-What's that big thing behind them?
Nar.-It's obviously, uh...a piece of the fuselage assembly from one of the failed Saturn-5 rockets that they recovered from the San Fransisco Bay.
Bob-Looks like a big piece of wood to me.
Nar.-The metal rusted, okay?
Bob-If it makes you feel good to think that, go right ahead and think that.

Nar.-Who is that short person covering their face? And why is Matt wrapping a Slinky around her head?
Bob-Um, I don't know. Who put this picture here?
Nar.-Maybe this is to demonstrate Matt's silliness.
Bob-Um, yeah...sure. That's exactly what it is...
Nar.-Hey, look at that ultra-cool bus in the background!
Bob-What?!
Nar.-Never mind. It looked ultra-cool to me.
Bob-You need mental help.

Nar.-One other person deserves mention. Jason Patrick McCarty went to the same church as did Matt, and one magical day they met and found they shared a number of common interests.

Bob-Like breaking the grading curve and destroying minds?

Nar.-Exactly.

Bob-Hey, nice tights!
Nar.-Oh, hush up. This is Jason's "Hamlet" costume from Halloween 1996, although this looks like a Peter Pan pose, perchance.
Bob-Positively precarious.
Nar.-Perhaps pugnacious.
Bob-Pabulous parallels precede punctuation.
Nar.-Precisely.
Bob.-Please persist pathetic parodies pertaining to peaceful penance.
Nar.-Pausing posits panics patriarchs.
Bob-What?
Nar.-Plebian.
Bob-Oh, will you stop!
Nar.-...
Bob-Thank you.

Nar.-What is he doing?
Bob-Looks like he's praying.
Nar.-Actually, I think he's clapping. Observe the hands: they're not in a praying position. Whereas they would be flat if praying, they appear to be almost clasped together in a clapping motion.
Bob-I still say he's praying. All he needs is a halo and he'd be a cherub.
Nar.-Suit yourself.
Bob-Maybe we should ask him.
Nar.-We can't ask a picture a question.
Bob-Oh yeah, I forgot.

Nar.-Matt went to Riverside, CA after graduating from Santana. He became part of the Riverside Community College Marching Band--

Bob-GO TIGERS!!

Nar.-I suppose I should have steeled myself for that.

Bob-Anyway, Matt was in 4 movies, 2 major televised parades, and a Jeep commercial with the Marching Tigers, and had a great time while he was there.

Nar.-Just one of the many newspaper articles written about the band. This particular one was in reference to the movie "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery", which was released on May 2nd, 1997. This article was printed in August 1996.
Bob-Nine months?!
Nar.-No, that was a different movie.
Bob-What I meant was that was how long they had to wait before they got to see the movie.
Nar.-Oh, well, yes, I suppose it did take nine months to go from the Paramount lot to the big screen.
Bob-If you're wondering where Matt was in the scene of the movie with the band, watch when the band first comes around the corner. One of the perks of playing trombone in a marching band is that you always get to be in the front. Matt isthe tallest trombone player in the front rank.
Nar.-Oh, was that him?
Bob-Hard to believe, isn't it?
Nar.-Truth is stranger than fiction!
Bob-And the adventure continues...
Nar.-That was just part 1!
Bob-Don't worry, we still have 13 parts to cover...
Nar.-I better get a raise for this...

This concludes Part One. Please come back for Part Two when I write it. Please remove all valuables from your seat, and come back soon! We hope you enjoyed your trip through Matt's life. If you have any questions, complaints, or just want to get in touch with Matt, please e-mail him at ddpfreak2@aol.com. Thanks for your attention!

TO BE CONTINUED...

HOME

	Bob-That's Matt on the right. Nar.-And who is that other one? Bob-Um, let me look in my handy dandy pocket Matt encyclopedia... Nar.-Oh brother. Bob-That's Nathan Price, who graduated one year before Matt did. Nar.-Oh yeah, he was that guy on the video who stuck his tongue out while flexing his non-existent muscles. Bob-That's the one.
Bob-These two characters are Peter Lesaca (Rogue 9, left) and Chris Myrben (Rogue 10, right). They are Matt's wingmen in Rogue Squadron along with James Schloegel (Rogue 8, not pictured). Nar.-I'm sure Matt feels real secure with these clowns covering his wing. Bob-Most definitely. Nar.-So what did they do? Bob-Peter played trumpet, and I think Chris played a tuba. Nar.-He looks so scrawny...are you sure he played a tuba? Bob-Well... Nar.-That's what I thought. Bob-Oh, go blow it out your ...tuba!
	Nar.-Aptly named "The Three Tenors", Tom Hoch (left), Jeff Dooley (center), and Matt all played tenor trombone, along with Courtney Eldreth (not pictured). Bob-Three tenors? Oh, that was cute. Nar.-Did you like it? I just thought that up. Bob-What's that big thing behind them? Nar.-It's obviously, uh...a piece of the fuselage assembly from one of the failed Saturn-5 rockets that they recovered from the San Fransisco Bay. Bob-Looks like a big piece of wood to me. Nar.-The metal rusted, okay? Bob-If it makes you feel good to think that, go right ahead and think that.
Nar.-Who is that short person covering their face? And why is Matt wrapping a Slinky around her head? Bob-Um, I don't know. Who put this picture here? Nar.-Maybe this is to demonstrate Matt's silliness. Bob-Um, yeah...sure. That's exactly what it is... Nar.-Hey, look at that ultra-cool bus in the background! Bob-What?! Nar.-Never mind. It looked ultra-cool to me. Bob-You need mental help.