Joke #1
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!" The old woman fainted.
Joke #2
An elderly Italian man went to his
parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course,
my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World
War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,"
said the priest.
"It's worse, Father. I was weak,
and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual
favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time,
and you took a large risk-you would have suffered terribly at their hands
if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom
and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said
the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off
of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said
the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war
is over?"
Joke #3
These three guys go to a prostitute's
place to get some action. They line up outside her room and go in one at
a time. The first guy goes in, then emerges a half hour later with a big
smile on his face. "How was she?" his buddies ask. "She's great!"
he replies. "I gave her a hundred dollars, then she put some whip-cream
on my dick and ate it all up! It was awesome!" So the second guy
goes in. A half hour later, he too emerges with a big smile on his face.
"How was she?" his buddies ask. "She's great!" he replies. "I gave
her a hundred and fifty dollars, then she put some whip-cream on my dick,
put some chocolate sauce on that, and then she ate it all up! It was incredible!"
So the third guy goes in. A half hour later, he emerges with a look on
his face that can only be described as puzzled shame. "How was she?"
his buddies ask. "Horrible!" he replies. "What are you talking
about?" his buddies ask. "What happened?" "Well, I gave her two hundred
dollars, then she put some whip-cream on my dick, put some chocolate sauce
on that, and then she put some bananas and chopped peanuts on there, and
she topped it off with a cherry."
"Wow!" his buddies reply. "What's
so horrible about that?" "Well," he replies. "It looked so good to
me I ate the fuckin' thing myself!"
Joke #4
Three in the morning. Guy's asleep in bed with the wife when there's a loud knocking at the door. "Who the hell is that?" he grumbles, goes downstairs and opens the door. Fella standing there says, "Look, I'm really sorry to disturb you at this hour, but can you give me a push?" "Certainly not! Get lost!" says the house-owner, shuts the door and goes back upstairs. "Who was it, dear?" asks his wife. "Guy wanted a push, three in the morning. I told him to take a hike." "Now don't you remember when we were first married?" says the wife. "When the car broke down in the middle of the night? Remember how you knocked on the door of that house and the nice man came and helped push-start the car, and saved our honeymoon? Well, in a way, now's your chance to repay that favor!" "Oh, all right," says the husband and goes downstairs again. He opens the door and calls out "Hey, fella! Need a push? Where are you?" "Over here," comes a voice from the darkness. "On the swing!"
Joke #5
A man goes to the doctors complaining that he can't "get it up" and hasn't been able to for many years now. So after a quick check-up the doctors tells the man to come back next week with his wife. Next week, they are both in front of the doctor. The doctor tells the man to step outside whilst he checks out his wife. He asks her to undress and lay on the bed. He then asks her to shake her ass a bit. Then he asks her to put some fingers in her pussy. Then, finally, the doctor tells her to get dressed, and he steps outside to speak with her husband. "So whats the problem, doc?" "Well, as far as I can tell, there's nothing wrong with you. She doesn't turn me on, either!"
Joke #6
After 53 years of marriage, Solly Weintraub sadly passed away, leaving a grieving widow. Among all the other arrangements she had to make, she thought she ought to place an announcement in the Social and Personal section of the local Jewish newspaper. So she called them up and asked how much it would cost. "Five dollars a word," said the clerk in the advertising office. "Oh, dear," said Mrs. Weintraub, "that's rather expensive and I don't have a lot of money. Better just say, Solly Weintraub died." "Actually," said the clerk, "our minimum charge is thirty-five dollars, so you can have seven words for that price." Mrs Weintraub thought for a minute, then said, "All right then, put Solly Weintraub died. Buick Skylark for sale."
Joke #7
Q: What's the dif between snowmen
and snow-women?
A: Snowballs!
Joke #8
Q: What do you call a 400 pound
woman who likes both men and women?
A: A bisexual built for 2!
Joke #9
Q: Why are they putting ramps in
every phone booth?
A: So Superman can still use them
to get changed!
Joke #10
Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a possum burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we gotta' help?" "I reckon," said the second hick. The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head "no". "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head "no". With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."
Joke #11
A German Shepard, a Golden Retriever, and a Black Lab are all in the vet waiting room. The Shepard says to the Retriever: "what are you in for?" The Retriever says: "Im a digger. I dug up the yard, the carpet, and I dug a hole in my masters couch." The Shepard says: "So what are they going to do to ya?" The Retriever says: "Prozac! That's what they give all dogs now a days!" The Shepard, still curious, turns to the Lab and says: "What about you? Why are you here?" The Lab says: "Im a pisser. I piss on the floor, the rug, and the other day on my masters bed." The Shepard says: "So what are they going to do to ya?". The Lab says "Prozac". Now the Lab is also curious so he turns to the Shepard and says: "What's your story? Why are you here?" The Shepard says: "I'm a humper. I hump the couch, the kids leg, and the other day when my master was getting out of the shower I couldn't resist and I climbed up and humped her." The Lab says: "So are they giving you Prozac?" The Shepard says: "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed!"
Joke #12
Q: What do you get when you mate
an elephant with a poodle?
A: A dead poodle with a size 18
poop-chute!
Joke #13
Two martians crash-land at a gas station. One of them looks at the gas pump and says "take me to your leader." The gas pump says nothing. Angrily, the martian pulls his RAY gun and repeats "take me to your leader." The second martian says "hey man, don't fuck with this guy!" and starts running away. Pissed at the gas-pump ignoring him, the first martian pulls the trigger of his ray gun, blowing up the gas pump! He flies through the air and lands in a smoldering heap at his buddy's feet. "Holy Glak!" he says, picking himself up. "How did you know that guy was such a bad-ass?" "Listen," says the other martian, "anybody who's dick goes down to his ankles, wraps around twice, and comes back up and plugs into his ear... that's one one bad mutherfucker!"
Joke #14
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!". He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
Joke #15
A Recent Letter Found In A Personal Problems Advice Column from Danny of Ann Arbor, Michigan:
I am a bartender in Ann Arbor. My parents live just outside
of Grand Rapids and one of my sisters, who lives in Dearborn, is married.
My mom and dad have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana
and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Kalamazoo.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence
in Jackson State Prison for an armed robbery he committed in 1994 (he got
hit by the three-time-loser law), the other currently being held in the
Livingston county jail on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives
in Bay City and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel,
however her time there is limited, as she has recently become infected
with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are
currently looking into the possibility of opening our
own brothel, with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry and
working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested
in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves,
at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her
into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her that my brother-in-law is a Spartan
fan?
Joke #16
A woman walks into the doctors office and says "Doctor, I hurt all over!" The doctor says "That's impossible." "No really! Just look. When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch! It hurts. When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!! It really hurts!" she replies. The doctor just shakes his head and says "You're a natural blond aren't you?" The woman smiles and says "Why yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies "Because your finger is broken."
Joke #17
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in
Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was
just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES. He realizes that these signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT. His curiosity gets the best of him and he
pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber
stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS
OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door
is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you,
my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son.
Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is
soon quite disoriented. Finally, the nun stops at a closed door,
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as
he is told, and this door is answered by another nun in long black habit
and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please put $50 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the
parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE
JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
Sexual Quickes (R)
The three words most hated by men
during sex: ''Are you done?'' The three words women hate to hear when having
sex...''Honey, I'm home!''
-----
Q: What's the difference between
a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between
a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
-----
Q: What is it when a man talks
nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks
nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute
-----
One sperm says to the other, ''How
far is it to the ovaries?'' The other one says, ''Relax. We just passed
the tonsils.''
-----
Did you hear about the new blonde
paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
-----
Q: How can you tell if your wife
is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the
dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband
is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you
get the remote.
-----
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace,
what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow
-----
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery
rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme
-----
Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary
and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.
-----
Man: ''I'd really like to get into
your pants.''
Woman: ''No thanks. There's already
one asshole in there.''
-----
Q: What do men and tile floors
have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can
walk on them for years.
-----
HIM: ''Why can't I tell when you
have an orgasm?''
HER: ''Because you're never home
when it happens.''
YOU DRUNKEN FOOLS!!!
THE BOARD OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON LIQUOR BOTTLES TO WARN DRINKERS ABOUT THE HAZARDS OF DRINKING...
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like an asshole.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH
YOUR HEAD IN.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to call them at 4 in the morning.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what thehell happened to your pants.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll
over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or
name you can't remember).
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause
of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big
guy named Chuck.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that you are invisible.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.