Q: What's brown, stinky, and sounds like a bell?
A: DUNG.

Joke #19

Bill is walking through the jungle when he falls in some quicksand. He's in up to his knees when this guy walks by and says: "I'll help you out if you suck my dick!"  Bill responds "Get out of here you goddamn fag-boy!" so the guy walks away.  Soon, Bill is up to his waist when another guy walks along and says: "I'll help you out if you let me fuck you in the ass!"  "Hell no! Get out of here you rump ranger!" says Bill. So the guy walks away.  Bill is up to his neck by the time a third guy comes walking by. Fearing for his life, Bill yells: "Help me! Please! I'll suck your dick and I'll let you fuck me up the ass! Just help me out of here!"  So the third passerby stomps down on Bill's head, saying "die, fag-boy, die!"

Joke #20

Q: What is the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?
A: You can't here a vitamin!

Joke #21

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you're real fuckin' ugly!"  The lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she sees the same parrot in the window and upon seeing her it says, "Hey lady, you're real fuckin' ugly!"  So now she's incredibly ticked. The next day on the way to work she sees the same parrot and once again it says, "Hey lady, you're real fuckin' ugly!"  The lady is so furious that she storms into the store and threatens to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologizes profusely and promises the bird won't say it again.
So, the next day, when the lady walks past the store after work, the parrot says, "Hey lady."  She pauses, scowls with an icy stare, and says in her coldest voice, "Yes?"  The bird struts back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, then shrugs at her and says: "You know..."

Joke #22

Q: What's the difference between a friend and a best friend?
A: A friend will help you move... a best friend will help you move a body.

Joke #23

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."  The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."  About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.  "Yes, my son?" said the priest.  "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."  "And what was that, my son?"  "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.  "That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"  "Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."  "What's that, my son?"  "Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"

Joke #24

Q: What do Woody Allen and Kodak film have in common?
A: They both come in little yellow boxes!

Joke #25

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking after you smack it!

Joke #26

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: Because they can't stand criticism!

Joke #27

In a small Irish town, Tommy Lenahan goes to confession. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is the nature of your sin, my son?" asks the priest.  "I've been with a loose woman, Father," replies Tommy.  "Who was it?" the priest asks him.  "I can't tell you that, Father, as I wouldn't wish to sully her reputation."  "Was it Annie Murphy?"  "No, Father."  "Was it Bernadette O'Connell?"
"No, Father."  "Perhaps it was Colleen McBride."  "No, Father, it wasn't her."  "Then who was it?"
"As I said, Father, I really can't tell you."  "Very well then, as a penance you can say five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."  Tommy goes back to his pew where his friend asks him, "How did you get on?"  He replies, "Not bad. I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

TEN MOST USELESS PIECES OF INFORMATION IN THE UNIVERSE!

1. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
2. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
3. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
4. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
5. A cockroach will live for nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
6. It is physically impossible to kill yourself by holding your breath.
7. Cat piss glows under a black-light.
8. In America, 18 acres of pizza are eaten every day.
9. Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump.
10. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create energy equivalent to that of the explosion that leveled Hiroshima. No shit.

EIGHT DUMBEST THINGS PEOPLE DID TO GET READY FOR Y2K!

1. Nothing caught me more offguard this year then when I realized those 200 cases of sardines I bought for my bunker were all extra-spicy. I FRIGIN HATE extra-spicy!
2. Wasted all that money on a lifetime subsciption to Looter's Digest.
3. Got my dates mixed up and headed to the bunker a week early.
4. Paid some computer geek 300 bucks to make sure my mattress and box-spring were Y2K-compliant.
5. Converted all my stocks and bonds into cans of Carnation condensed milk, figuring I'd corner the market.
6. Three words: solar powered flashlight.
7. Converted to Islam, cuz it's only 1420 for those guys.
8. Called up my loan-shark and told him I would no longer be making payments, unless he agreed to suck the dingle-berries out of my fat, hairy ass.