Top_Ten_Bumper_Stickers_for_the_Starship_Enterprise

Reasons_Why_Captain_Janeway_Is_Better_Than_Captain_Picard

Your_Starship_Captain_Just_Might_Be_A_Redneck_If...

"Star_Trek_Lost_Episodes"_Transcript

20_Plots_You'll_Never_See_on_Star_Trek:_The_Next_Generation

What_if_Data_were_Microsoft_Windows_Compatible?

Links

Top Ten Bumper Stickers for the Starship Enterprise

10.Our other starship separates into THREE pieces!

9.One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it.

8.HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!

7.Guns don't kill people, Mark VII phaser rifles do.

6.Zero to warp 9.7 in 3 seconds!

5.CAUTION! We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical!

4.If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too

close? 3.Have you hugged a Ferengi Today?

2.Wesley on board!

1.We break for cubes.
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Reasons Why Captain Janeway Is Better Than Captain Picard
One word: hair More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
Looks better in sleepwear.
Isn't French with an English accent.
"Take this cheese to sickbay!" I don't know why this is here, either, but I loved that line!
Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
When Janeway lands her ship, it can take off again.
Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.
To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't wake up for morning bells.
The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasle her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
30 episodes without surrendering the ship.
30 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniouses who yet again take over the ship.
She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
Cheese
Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.
She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
Her engineer does not wear a bananna clip over her eyes.
Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
Her telepath only lives nine years.
Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
45,000 light-years is one thing. Every point in the universe instantaneously? That's excessive!
Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force".
Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.
Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself!
Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
Has a more manly voice.
Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
Kes. Troi. No contest.
Neelix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.
Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
Her OPS officer can use contractions.
Her first officer has a halucinogenic device.
None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get . . . to Risa.
Riker never smiled at Picard that way.
Q asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused. Q asked Picard's girlfriend to run away with him and she accepted.
Back_to_Top Acknowledgements This list was created by Gerard Monsen (gmonsen@hou.lbl.gov). If you have any suggestions, please e-mail them to me. The master list is held at http://hou.lbl.gov/~gmonsen/janeway.html I would like to thank the following people for their contributions: Karyn Lou, KarynLou@aol.com Richard Hanson Davide Hawkins, dhawk@well.com Dee Elling, dee@sybase.com Jeffrey K. Stier "Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard" by Hemi and the Frakmaster "Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better Than Captain Kirk" by the Patrick Stewart Estrogen Brigade (I didn't make this up). "Top One Hundred Reasons Why Cmmdr. Sisko is Better Than Both of 'Em!" by Admiral Wombat Matthew Carlton, mcarlton@math.ucla.edu Randy Patton, Randy.Patton@vt.edu Terry Arzola, arzola@austin.cc.tx.us Seth Dilday, seth@aplus.com Mikael G. Haxby, poirot@crocker.com James Railton, Jeannie.Dickie@cyberstore.ca Merv Sutai - Jare'achan, TREKNOLOGIST@delphi,com -- Gerard Monsen, Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory (all opinions mine) e-mail: gmonsen@hou.lbl.gov URL: http://hou.lbl.gov/~gmonsen See: "Reasons Why Captain Janeway is Better Than Captain Picard" at http://hou.lbl.gov/~gmonsen/janeway.html

Your Starship Captain Just Might Be A Redneck If...

1.Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
2.He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
3.You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".
4.He refers to Klingons as "Critters".
5.He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".
6.He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
7.He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
8.He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".
9.He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
10.He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
11.He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
12.He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".
13.He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
14.He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".
15.He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".
16.He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
17.He paints the starship John Deere green.
18.He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".
19.He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".
20.His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
21.He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".
22.His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
23.He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
24.His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
25.He sets phaser to "Cajun".
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<>br>

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen]
[Riker looks puzzled] "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
[Data turns to answer] "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . .
Geordi, excited: "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
. . .Two Hours Pass. . .
Riker: "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
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20 Plots You'll Never See on Star Trek: The Next Generation
1.The Enterprise encounters a mysterious energy field, and they've seen it many times before.

2.The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without incident.

3.The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists and they are all OK.

4.Picard, Riker, and Data visit the Holodeck and it works perfectly.

5.Captain Picard has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people, but the Prime Directive makes it easy.

6.A power surge on the bridge is correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by a well-trained engineering staff using common diagnostic equipment.

7.The officers of the Enterprise encounter a new lifeform, which later turns out to be a common, well-known lifeform who was wearing a funny mask as a joke.

8.A major emergency happens near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it.

9.The Enterprise kicks in warp speed and hits a large planet coming from the right that they didn't see in time.

10.The crew if the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious illness, but the cure is found in the well-stocked sickbay storeroom.

11.Geordie looks at something through his electronic eye band and realizes he hasn't the faintest idea what he is looking at.

12.While being attacked by Romulans, Picard orders warp speed and the Enterprise stalls and won't start up without a call to AAA.

13.Data is passed over for promotion because he cannot understand the most basic nuances of what people are saying to him.

14.Wesley Crusher gets beat up by his classmates for being a geek and he has to start making friends his own age for a change.

15.Counselor Troi makes an analysis that states something other than that which is blindingly obvious.

16.A mysterious being composed of pure energy tries to enter the Enterprise's computer but finds out it didn't bring the right plugs along.

17.Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, gets her pregnant accidentally, and winds up having to marry her and he gets court martialed.

18.The officers are beamed down to a planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. Eventually, they find out that everything is just as it seems - it's really a neat place to live!

19.The Enterprise is involved in a time warp experience and does NOT wind up in the 20th century.

20.Captain Picard, Riker, and Data are captured by a superior intelligence, who apologizes for the mistake and does not put them on trial.

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What if Data were Microsoft Windows Compatible?
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships decloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen. [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so. The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir. [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans. [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
PICARD: Shields...
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]
PICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
PICARD: What's going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

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