Online Journal (May 5, 2003)

True story: In the last few months of my enlistment in the Army, while still the Unit Armorer, I took my Assistant Armorer, Bruce "Ski," to Jack In The Box for a late breakfast (instead of doing work in the Arms Room like we should have). This was a fairly common occurence, usually with our squad leader, SGT Miller. On this particular day, however, it was just Ski and me. We ate our breakfast sandwiches (I've still never had better) and proceeded to leave the establishment. We got in the car, I backed up, and hit a car behind me. I'm not sure exactly how I did that, as the parking lot had plenty of room to maneuver, even nonchalantly, a small car like mine. Regardless, I still hit the car behind me. I got out noticed little to no damage on the vehicle, but being the responsible person that I am, I went inside the fast food joint and announced that I had hit a car in the parking lot. After explaining to the two patrons in the store that it was probably their car I hit (and describing the car to them), they finally understood what it was I was trying to tell them. The owner followed me out as I suggested that maybe I had done him a favor, as I had not even scratched his car but rather dusted it off. He examined his vehicle and felt everything was fine so Ski and I left. End of story.

Golf was fun, but Tiger Woods I am not. It's not that I thought it would be easy to master the sport, but it's still a lot tougher than it looks. I think televised golf would be much more entertaining if they showed amateurs much like myself. I don't know how many trees Jay and I hit, but if it wasn't directly between us and the hole, it probably got hit. I finally mastered the art of hitting the ball over the river by my third attempt, but unfortunately I still managed to lose a ball in practically every single pond on that course. There was one that was so far away from the fairway that I didn't even realize it existed until, of course, I hit a ball into it. I still find it ironic that this sport is considered good for relieving stress. If I were to ever become serious about it, I would be mad at the world for at least a week after golfing.

Oooh! Bowling (after golfing, probably not the best idea in the world, but after the headache subsided, not so bad) was fun. Garth, who bowled a 179, apparently at least 80 points higher than his previous high, I give you mad props. I can't wait until the pictures are developed.

Jeni got to meet Jay. I think that went well. I think. I've been so excited about her meeting Jay because 1) he's one of my best friends, and 2) I have so much fun when I'm around him. Maybe it's not such a great idea, however, for her to see me in my natural state, especially if Adam comes home. No, I can't say that. That's who I am. I had a great time, probably better than I've had in a long time, especially around Jeni, and that was because I got to be myself. I'm not trying to impress anybody, even Jeni. Unless she's impressed with my ability to enjoy myself with my friends, which would be nice. I see that ability in her, which I find attractive. I know I've had a problem with that in the past, especially with Beth, but that was before I learned what I know now. Hell, I even surprised myself Saturday night. Prior to going bowling I was so self-aware about having fun, mainly because my headache was crushing my will to be sociable, but once I got there, even with my head collapsing in on itself, I didn't even think about it(eventually my headache went away).

Sometimes I wonder why I let myself pine over an unavailable woman. Why can't I find somebody else (preferably unattached)? Argh! Frustrating? You bet.

However, life has a strange way of doing things. A little more than two months ago, I was seriously contemplating just leaving everything and going away. I hadn't chosen a specific destination, and maybe I wouldn't until the last minute, but I wanted to take a suitcase of clothes, a pocketful of cash, and get a bus ticket to a place far away from here. I wasn't going to tell anybody where I was going. I just wanted to start over. Maybe Florida or Colorado or Canada. I just didn't want to be who I was anymore.

Maybe luck or fate had a different plan for me. I had made up my mind at one point in time, with only a few days before I got paid. I was going to take the money and run. I had practically lost all hope, with maybe only a second chance on life being my savior. But something changed before I made it to the bank to cash my check. I didn't want to abandon everybody that I loved and cared for. I had already done that six years ago when I joined the military. Sure, there were many reasons for signing up, but one of the major reasons was that I didn't want to be here anymore. After my ordeal with Beth I had a hard time spending time with my friends. I still had fun with them, but things were different, at least for me. It was hard for me to look them in the eye. It was hard for me to proclaim to be their friend after almost losing them. It was difficult to express my feelings, except to Paul, but by that time he had moved away and wasn't a big part of my life. It's quite possible that Paul moving to Muncie had just as big an impact on my decision as did losing Beth. It doesn't matter, though. I still wanted to get away, so I did. I ran like a coward in the name of bettering myself (probably one of the smartest decisions I've ever made).

So I realized that wasn't the answer. And I stayed. And then I started noticing Jeni at school. Coincidence? Probably. But soon there was something else in my life besides defeat. I had hope. I finally cast off the dark cloud caused by my deep emotional battle with losing Amber by seeing there there were "other fish in the sea." Jeni became my new object of affection, ridding me of my object of rejection.

Now I know that she's taken, but that hasn't stopped me from hoping. Someday something will come along, but for now I've got Jeni. She makes the outlook on life so much brighter. Sure, I definitely get frustrated that life can't be easier, that things can't just go my way, but the hope she gives me makes it so much easier to deal with than the defeat I felt just two months ago. There are other fish in the sea. Eventually one will pass my way. Jeni gives me the confidence that I'll be tasty enough to reel them in. (Jesus, that's so frickin' corny)

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- May 5, 2003