, a small division of TMDOTPBM Enterprises International, Inc. ©2003 Founded by The Mighty Druids®, ©1994. All rights reserved.Just because your coat is shiny doesn't mean you have to lick it too.
I’m probably just rehashing old material.
I feel bad. I feel as though I overstep certain boundaries almost every time I’m with Jeni. I often wonder how she puts up with me.
Every once in a while I get into an emotional mood where I just want to give up. It gets to the point where I convince myself that I won’t call Jeni. I tell myself that I need to wait for her to call. This isn’t a punishment for anything she’s done, but rather it’s a self-appointed safety net to make myself feel better, as though I’m encroaching on her personal life too much. Usually when this happens she calls me the next day and I’m happy again. Or I “slip” and get an idea for an activity in my head that would include Jeni, so I call her up. But I realize that this isn’t fair to Jeni. All she’s ever given me is an unadulterated friendship. Why can’t I return that? I should be able to call her without feeling guilty. I call Jay whenever I get the whim to do so. I never feel guilty about that. But with Jeni I struggle with my conscience, perhaps because of the unfamiliar territory of actually having the company of a girl to whom I’m attracted. It’s hard for me to understand why ninety-nine girls out of a hundred would have distanced themselves from me a long time ago, and yet Jeni is that one that sees past my crush on her and enjoys my friendship, as messed up as it might be. And even that is unfair to her.
I want so desperately to be able to be in her presence without worrying how she thinks about me. I want to be able to take her friendship for granted, and I want to her to be able to do the same about mine. I can’t expect her to be able to do that if I continue to act the way I do. It’s a vicious circle where the puny cognitive processing area of my brain rationalizes that in order for her to be comfortable, I have to be comfortable, but in order for me to be comfortable… Hell, I don’t know! And that’s where I get that stupid idea that if I distance myself from her we’ll both be better off. Fuck that! I enjoy spending time with Jeni. She makes me happy. I guess I just have to try harder to not let my feelings intrude with our friendship.
Perhaps this journal hasn’t been the best idea I’ve had. I’ve exposed a lot about myself, about my emotions and how week I can be. In a perfect world I’d want to portray myself as confident and strong, but this journal contradicts that. I’ve opened up parts of my mind normally reserved for very close friends and especially girlfriends. Originally this was for myself with the chance that others may happen upon it. Now about half a dozen people, including the person that’s been the subject of most of my emotions since I started writing, read it regularly. It’s a bit disheveling and liberating at the same time. In a world where I am so self-conscious, it’s a great feeling to know that Jeni still actively pursues my friendship with the knowledge of who I really am.
I’m not so naïve as to be oblivious to what a great thing it is I have. I’d like to think that all my friends know how much I appreciate their friendship, including Jeni. Thanks to all for putting up with my over-active emotions. J
, a small division of TMDOTPBM Enterprises International, Inc. ©2003 Founded by The Mighty Druids®, ©1994. All rights reserved.