Villains Incorporated
By Dyne
We Gotta Power! (Dragonball Z)
All characters are copyright their respected creators. I only said that since if I did each individual one the list'd probably be longer than the fic!
At AVALANCHE Hq (Duh), Barret, Cid, Cloud, Vegeta, Red, and Cait's Friend are all sick with the flu.
Barret: Dis sucks! How come we the only ones to come down wit' da flu? Why not the rest? (Sneezes and let's loose with a lot of fluid) Ah crap! Now I gotta polish dis snot offa ma' gun again.
Vegeta: (Speaking through a fit of coughing) Speak for yourself, dumb@$$! Every time I get sick I can't control my powers half the time. (Starts coughing again and a whole bunch of energy projectiles bounce around the room)
All: Oh s**t! (Try to run away from the blasts but one accidentally hits Cid on the head, igniting his pack of cigarettes)
Cid: Oh no! (Runs around with his hair on fire) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Put it out! Put it out, dangit!
Red XIII: Cid must really be sick to not cuss.
Cloud: (Has a stuffed head, not like he didn't anyway) At least be hab some beace and guiet.
Cait's Friend: (Also stuffed up) Teguila ban!
Cid: (Still running around the room screaming)
Barret: (Sneezes again and it puts Cid's hair out) Smokin'll do dat to ya!
Cid: (Slumps down into his Lazy-boy) Dang you! If I had the stinkin' strength to do so I'd shove my spear up your friggin' butt, you stupid cow!
Red XIII: This is going to take some getting used to.
Vegeta: (Dripping with sarcasm) No, really?!
Cloud: Ban! Where is eberyone?
Red XIII: Tifa and Aeris are shopping to stock up the bar, Cait Sith's downstairs, Vincent's with him. As for Dav and Ami, no idea, they've been gone for three days.
Cid: That stinks. They left the day before we got sick with this moronic virus. It's not a 24 hour one either.
Vegeta: Well they'd better not get sick 'cause if some moron tried to take over the world again we'd be too weak to do anything!
Cait's Friend: Teguila ban!
(The door opens and Tifa and Aeris enter, arguing as usual)
Tifa: I knew exactly what I was doing! That car was upside down when I left the store! As for that idiot inside, he shouldn't have mouthed off like that!
Aeris: I always knew you were a menace to society!
Tifa: Look who's talking! You're the one who ran down three people on the way home!
Aeris: It wasn't my fault! They all jumped in front of us and you know it!
Tifa: Yeah right, Ancient b***h!
Aeris: Water tits!
Tifa: Flower pussy!
Red XIII: I just don't get it.
All: AND YOU NEVER WILL, EITHER!!!
Tifa/Aeris: (Keep arguing)
Cid: 500 gil that they start clawing at each other within 2 minutes!
Barret: 1000 gil they start ripping hair off in 2 minutes!
Cait's Friend: Teguila ban! (Places 1000 gil in front of Barret)
Red XIII: Works for me (Places 500 gil in front of Cid)
Cait Sith/Vincent: (Come upstairs)
Cait Sith: (Through megaphone) BREAK IT UP!!!
Tifa/Aeris: (Actually stop)
Cloud: Damn! Begeta and I betted that they'd be ribbin' glothes off.
Vegeta: Then we'd move in-
Cait/Red/Cid/Barret/Vince: Hell yeah!
Vegeta: -to our rooms.
Cait/Red/Cid/Barret/Vince: Oh poopy!
Aeris: What're you waiting for?
Vegeta: HELL YA'! (Goes into his room with Aeris)
Tifa: You coming, Cloud?
Cloud: (Moaning) I'b too weak, will you read me a bedtime story?
Everyone else: Bedtime story?! (Start laughing their heads off)
Cloud: Damn you! Damn you all!
Cid: Dang! Again! Stop saying it like such a moronic dimtwit! Can't you say "Curse you! Curse you all!" instead?
Cloud: (Ignores Cid and goes into his room with Tifa)
Cid: (Turns to Cait Sith and Vincent) Now how come you two dingbats aren't sick?
Cait Sith: How many times do I have to explain it to you guys?! I'm a ROBOT cat!
Vincent: And I haven't been sick since before Hojo made me what I am. I guess that's the only good thing about it.
Barret: Any one of you foos' up for a game of Smash Bros.?
Cid: I'm too freakin' tired.
Red XIII: I can't handle the controller anyway.
Cait's Friend: Teguila ban!
(Meanwhile, in a Las Vegas type hotel/restaurant ballroom in Sector 1)
Dav (Wearing a tuxedo and dancing with Ami): Glad we finally found a place to be alone.
Ami (Wearing a formal dress): Mm hm.
Dav: I wonder what the others are doing right now.
Ami: I'm sure they're doing fine. After all it was your idea not to invite them along this time.
Dav: Yeah, after they proved to us that the Gold Saucer was the hell-on-earth we really needed to be alone.
Ami: Good, I agree completely. (They move closer and are about to kiss when...)
A voice: May I cut in?
Dav/Ami: Huh? (Look and see no one in front of them)
Voice: So this is what you did after leaving me, Dav.
Dav (Looks the other way and still doesn't see anyone) That's a voice I haven't heard in a long time.
Ami: Who is it?
Dav: (Lets her go) An old friend.
Voice: Damn right! So you ditch me after the deathmatches and then get together with this blue-haired freak?!
Dav: Hey! No one insults my wife and gets away with it!
Ami: It's okay, I'm used to comments about my hair.
Dav: That's not the point, it's who's saying it.
Voice: So you do remember me?
Dav: Of course, hosting those deathmatches was when I met you.
Ami: You never told me about that.
Dav: Later. (Turns around) If you're so determined to see me then come out!
Voice: Right behind you.
Dav: (Turns around again to see a girl with long, red hair.) A-Ko, so it is you.
Ami: Who's she?
A-Ko: I'm his old girlfriend. We had something going but he turned around and left me!
Dav: I had good reason to! You nearly killed me!
A-Ko: I search all over to find you again, then when I do you're married?!
Dav: Excuse me if Dyne is making my life into a cheesy soap opera!
Ami: And besides, it was his choice.
A-Ko: (Turns to Ami) You're the main problem! All it'll take is to kill you! (Charges at Ami)
Ami: (Braces herself for the impact but is suddenly pushed aside)
Dav: Don't underestimate her strength! (Takes the attack and the force of A-Ko's punch sends him flying through the wall)
A-Ko: Uh... oops. That's the second time that's happened. Well anyway, I'll be back! (Turns around and leaves by jumping through a window.)
Ami: (Makes her way through the crowd over to a Dav-shaped hole in the wall.) Dav! Are you all right?!
Dav: (Groans from somewhere inside the wall)
Ami: Hang on! I'll get you out!
Dav: No need... (Gets up and climbs out) The last time she hit me like that I wasn't ready and I went through more than a wall.
Ami: What was with her, anyway?
Dav: She never wanted to admit that I broke up with her. We got together after I hosted the RPG Deathmatches and we went out for about a month. A-Ko is a superhuman, it's unknown how she got her powers but half the time when we were on dates she nearly broke a few bones on me.
Ami: Simply by holding hands and dancing?
Dav: Yeah, but anyway I told her that it was over and she didn't take it well. Life's been a lot better since I met you and we were married.
Ami: Thank you. Anyway, you should get some rest. Let's go back to our room.
Dav: O-kay!
(Down on the street)
Steel: Did you guys hear something from Dav's hotel?
Dave (Dyne): Sounds like someone's blasting in there.
Spanky: Someone's coming down!
Steve: Babes!
A-Ko: (Lands in front of the four) I can't believe he would do that to me!
Steve: Babes!
Steel: Oh no you don't! (Restrains Steve)
Spanky: Look out, girly!
A-Ko: GIRLY!? I'll have your head!
Steve: Babes! (Breaks free and runs at A-Ko)
A-Ko: HA! (Grabs Steve and throws him across the continent)
Author's Note: Yes, she's that strong. Even stronger if she doesn't wear her armbands which allow her to control her power.
Steve: (Lands in a mound of chocobo dung at the farm)
Dave: Holy s**t!
Steel: Not bad...
Spanky: What do you want?!
A-Ko: Revenge! (Runs out)
Spanky: Strange girl.
Dave: Revenge? But against who?
Steel: Why don't you tell us? You're the author!
Dave: And not let you guys suffer in trying to figure out the plot? HA!
(In a typical abandoned warehouse)
A-Ko: That jerk! If I want him back I have to kill that freak-of-a-wife of his!
A voice: You sound troubled, A-Ko. (Ominous music starts)
A-Ko: Who's there?
(The person appears in front of her and is revealed to be Grahf from Xenogears)
Grahf: I am Grahf, the seeker of power! Dost thou seek the power?
A-Ko: If it'll help me kill my enemy, then yes!
Grahf: Then you must come with me.
A-Ko: Wait a minute! I've played Xenogears and you use your Gear to make a long speech and then bestow the person with the power!
Grahf: I'm sorry, but I left my Gear at headquarters. We'll have to go there.
A-Ko: All right...
(Grahf takes A-Ko to the mountain range outside of Midgar where a secret underground complex is located. They enter a conference room.)
Dr. Evil: Friends I'd like you to meet the newest member of our group. Miss A-Ko Magami. Welcome to Villains Inc., I'm Dr. Evil.
A-Ko: What is this?!
Grahf: This is a group of people who have the same purpose as you, to destroy AVALANCHE and their friends. We decided to team up and destroy them once and for all.
Dr. Evil: Yes, I have no bone to pick with them but since Dyne finally saw Austin Powers and liked it so much he decided that I should lead this assault. Please take a seat and I will introduce you to your comrades.
Grahf/A-Ko: (Sit down at the table where six people other than Dr. Evil are already seated)
Dr. Evil: First I'd like you to meet Sephiroth. He was the first one victimized by AVALANCHE. All he wanted to do was destroy the world with a meteor but his plans were quickly subdued.
Sephiroth: They've always been so mean to me!
Dr. Evil: Next to Sephiroth is his son, Bob, the Ultimate Being. His mother, Eve, died right after giving birth to him and so Sephiroth had to raise him on his own.
Bob: Dad taught me all about the ways to survive life. Porno, porno, and more porno.
Dr. Evil: Bob's victimization came from Steve, and then Dav Cole.
Bob: Yeah, Steve always steals my Playboys and Dav was mean and kicked me out of the bar.
A-Ko: Like father, like son.
Dr. Evil: Sitting across from you is Frieza. He is always attacked by Vegeta and his revenge against him failed last time as well.
Frieza: All I want to do is possess all 7 Dragon Balls! It's just not fair!
Dr. Evil: Next to Frieza is Queen Beryl. Her dream was to conquer and rule the universe but the Sailor Senshi put an end to that. Now one of them is married to a member of AVALANCHE while another one got together with a different member.
Beryl: Isn't it the American dream to rule the universe?!
Bob: You're not American.
Beryl: No s**t, Sherlock!
Dr. Evil: After Queen Beryl is Yuffie Kisarigi. Former member of AVALANCHE she has tried many times to conquer the world, only to fail every time because she sucks so much.
Yuffie: Thanks for destroying my confidence!
Dr. Evil: And finally, let me present Ramza Beoulve. He has been ostracized by AVALANCHE over and over again. He was cheated out of a bet with Bart Fatima and now wants revenge.
Ramza: Who said anything about revenge?! I want Delita!
Dr. Evil: So, Miss A-Ko, are you satisfied with your accommodations and coworkers?
A-Ko: (Stands up) I accept your offer to help destroy those bastards! And even though I'm a good guy in my series-
Bob: You're a guy?!
Sephiroth: Shut up, you! She's in the middle of a dramatic speech.
A-Ko: I will continue to make Dav Cole's life a bad soap opera and will kill the one he loves!
Everyone: (Cheers)
A-Ko: So what's our first plan of attack?!
Everyone: (Looks around and then drop their heads)
A-Ko: You don't have any plans of attack?
Dr. Evil: Actually, everyone in the group was kind of hoping that someone else would come up with one.
A-Ko: (Sits back down and sulks)
(Back at the Hq)
Cid: Does anyone have anymore aspirin?
Red XIII: No, you already took three dozen, Cid. That's not good.
Cid: No duh, Sherlock!
Cait Sith: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! CID, WHY DON'T YOU JUST F**KIN' CUSS?!
Barret: Shaddup foo'! (Sneezes on Cait)
Cait Sith: (Gets blown across the room and finally stops when hitting the wall, he's covered with Barret's goo) Oh s**t!
Cait's Friend: Teguila ban!
Cait Sith: Yeah, I hear ya.
Red XIII: Vegeta and Cloud are lucky, they have people to take care of them.
Vincent: Well don't look at me and Cait, we've got better things to do.
Barret: Den who's gonna nurse us back ta health?!
(A knock at the door answers Barret's question)
Cid: One of you guys get it, I'm too stankin' weak.
Vincent: Go ahead, I don't care.
Red XIII: Get it Barret, I'm too tired.
Barret: Oh no! Cait!
Cait Sith: Why should I?! You're the one who covered me with your snot! You get it, Friend.
Cait's Friend: Teguila ban! (Walks over to the door and opens it. Standing outside is a girl with long blonde hair and a red bow in it and is wearing a nurse outfit.) V-BABE!!!
Minako: Glad to see you too.
Everyone else: HUH?!
Barret: Someone glad to see Cait's Friend? I think you musta been dropped on your head as a kid, Minako.
Cait Sith: You forget, those two got together at the Gold Saucer.
Vince/Cid/Barret: Don't remind us! (Puke all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: I'd maul all of you if I had the strength to!
Vincent: Anyway, what are you doing here, Minako?
Minako: I heard about your guys' sickness so I thought I'd to my best to nurse you guys back to health.
Cait Sith: (Remembers how Ami told them what happened last time the Senshi were sick and Minako tried to help) I'll just leave now if you don't mind.
Vincent: Good idea. (They leave)
Minako: Mako-chan gave me her recipe for cucumber soup and so I made some for you guys. Who's first?
Cid/Barret/Red: (Point to Cait's Friend)
Cait's Friend: Teguila ban!
Minako: Okay! (Hands him a bowl full)
Cait's Friend: (Downs it in one gulp)
Cid/Barret/Red: (Hold their breaths)
Cait's Friend: (Sits there for a few seconds when suddenly smoke comes out of his ears, he breathes fire, and starts running around the room screaming.)
Minako: Oh no! I did it again, didn't I?
Cid: (Looks at the soup) No wonder! You didn't use cucumbers, you put in stankin' jalapenos!
Red XIII: Ick! I almost feel sorry for Cait's Friend.
Cait's Friend: You'd better be or I'll shove Cid's spear up your @$$!
Everyone: HUH?! (Goes into shock)
Barret: Cait's Friend... talked???
Cait's Friend: Hey! You're right! Those jalapenos undid my condition! I can talk like a normal person! Ha ha! Not only that, they unclogged my head!
Minako: How wonderful!
Cait's Friend: Now I'll never be known as "Tequila man" again! I can live like a normal person! I'll never be a social outcast again! What can I do next? I know! I'll change my name to Richard! In fact, that's what you'll call me as long as I can talk! From now on, I'm Richard! Now what can I do for the future? I'll get a job! I'll be somebody! I-
Cid: Talk too much! (Grabs Minako's pot of soup and forces it down Richard's throat)
Richard: (Runs around screaming again)
Barret: Whassa matter, Dick? Too hot ta handle?
Richard: (Finally stops after 15 minutes)
Minako: Richard! Are you okay?!
Richard: Tequila man!
Red XIII: Looks like he's back to being Cait's Friend.
Minako: Well, it was good while it lasted.
(Back at the Sector 1 hotel)
Dav: (Is sitting on their bed getting his back rubbed by Ami) Do me a favor, don't stop.
Ami: All right. Are you feeling better?
Dav: Much. (Thinks about what happened in the ballroom and his mind turns to something else) I never asked you, what was your life like as a Sailor Senshi before Yuffie took over?
Ami: Quite interesting. We weren't always on our own, you see. When we first learned that we were the Sailor Senshi, our guardian cats, Luna and Artemis trained and prepared us for our battles. They... (realizes something and stops rubbing) Oh no!
Dav: What is it? Ami-chan?
Ami: Luna and Artemis!
Dav: What about them? Did something happen?
Ami: They didn't agree with our idea to make Yuffie our new leader so she shut them up in a pound here in Midgar! I think they're still there!
Dav: What do they look like?
Ami: Here, I'll show you (Pulls out a wallet photo)
Dav: Crescent-moon bald spots?
Ami: They're not bald spots!
Dav: Calm down, I know how we can get them outta there. (Walks over to the phone)
(In an all-night cafe in Sector 1)
Spanky: Why is it that we have to be here?
Steel: Yeah, Dav can easily call the others if he needs backup? Why us?
Dave: We've been here for three days. Apparently he could be attacked and may need immediate assistance.
Steel: Good thing he bought this place or we wouldn't have gotten any sleep.
Spanky: With the amount of coffee that Steel drinks he hasn't gotten any sleep period.
Steel: Hey! I happen to like coffee.
Spanky: Yeah, your mom usually has to chain you to the bedposts or you'd be bouncing around the room.
Steel: How would you know about that?!
Spanky: Let's just say I know the basics of... torture!
Steel: Wasn't that one of Vegeta's lines?
Dave: (Talking to himself) I'm not a part of this.
Spanky: It hasn't been used for two fics so it's up for grabs.
Dave (Cloud): (Walks in) Yeah and it started with the first of this series.
Dave: How'd you get here? This is one of my fics?
Dave: Since both of us are working on this series I thought I'd come in for a time on this one.
Dave: Well it was only a matter of time.
Dave: By the way, since this is obviously the first fic where you fight what's your weapon?
Dave: This! (Pulls out a quarterstaff)
Dave: Cool! But I prefer inducing fear into the enemies.
Dave: How so?
Dave: You're sure about this?
Dave: Go ahead.
Dave: All right. (Pulls out pictures of the Sailor Senshi stripping)
Steel/Spanky: OH THE HORROR!!!
Dave: Shut up!
Dave: Damn, gotta say that's scary. Better not have any of Mercury or Dav'll whip your @$$.
Dave: Already took care of that. But these things either scare the (male) enemy to death or, if he's anything like Steve, he'll drool over it giving us enough time for the kill.
Dave: What about females?
Dave: If they like any of the guys they'll beat them up for us out of jealousy or chase after 'em when they run.
Dave: Damn, that's evil.
Dave: Damn right. But never let Steve see these or-
Dave: Too late!
Steve: (Enters the cafe and is still covered with chocobo s**t) Babes!
Dave: Uh, crap! Better go! (Disappears but leaves one behind)
Dave: Now how many of you readers got us mixed up?
Steve: Babes! (Dives for the picture)
Spanky (Wearing rubber gloves and a gas mask): (Picks Steve up by the shirt collar) Take a shower before you drool all over that thing!
Steel: (Also wearing gloves and a mask) Nah, I have a better idea. Bring him in here. (Walks into the kitchen)
Spanky: Gotcha! (Throws Steve into the dishwasher and turns it on)
Dave: (Takes the picture and notices that it's one of Sailor Venus) Richard- I mean Cait's Friend might like this. (Puts it away) Hey Steel, did you ever get that "torture" line?
Steel: Uh, no.
Dave: Spanky did it with your momma.
Steel: No! Not mah momma!
Spanky: Yes your momma!
Steel: (Starts singing) Yo' momma done told me! To go in and f**k her!
Spanky: (Body slams him) Moron!
Dave: Anyway, what now?
Steel: You're the author, you should know.
Dave: I know, that's what makes it so DAMN hard to fit in in these fics!
Spanky: We can't continue the fic until you let us know what's going to happen!
Dave: Well... considering what just happened... I forgot...
Steel: Liar! (Suddenly appears in the running dishwasher.)
Dave: Heh heh heh.
Spanky: So what's going to happen.
Dave: The answer'll hit you like a ton of bricks.
(A ton of bricks falls on Spanky and knocks him unconscious.)
Dave: Gee, I really should be more careful. (Phone rings)
Dave: (Answers it) It took you long enough!
Dav: Excuse me! You're the one who wanted to put in that scene!
Dave: Actually, I wrote that part with the real Steel and Spanky. So whatcha need?
Dav: Ami-chan just told me that two friends of hers are locked away in the pound here, I want you guys to go get 'em.
Dave: In a pound?
Dav: They're cats. One black, one white, names are Luna and Artemis. They've both got crescent-moon bald spots on their foreheads.
Ami's voice: They're NOT bald spots!
Dav: And they talk.
Dave: And why can't you do this yourself?
Spanky: (Gets up and grabs the phone) Or are we interrupting your "busy" time?
Dav: Don't make me go down there! (Whispers) And no, I got a little beat up by A-Ko and really feel a little too sore.
Spanky: A-Ko?
Dave: The red-haired girl we ran into. She's Dav's old girlfriend. This happened before you started appearing in my fics.
Spanky: Good thing, too. Who knows how Steve would react if he thought of Ami naked.
Dave: S**t! Why'd you say that?!
Steve: (Breaks out of the dishwasher) Babes! (Runs out)
Dave: You just had to go and do that?! Didn't you?!
Spanky: (Into the phone) Brace yourself, Dav. You're going to have a problem. Hello? (Turns to Dave) He must've hung up.
Dave: No, he just set it down. Listen. (They listen)
Dav's voice: JUSTICE-SLASH!!!
Steve's voice: BAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaabeeeeeeeess... (Dies)
Spanky: (Hangs up) Well he certainly didn't last long in this one.
Dave: It had to be done.
Steel: (Walks in covered with soap suds) What'd I miss?
Spanky: Dav wants us to rescue some pets.
Steel: Pets?! Oh well... I guess it beats cleaning a house.
Dave: Yeah, he made us do that last week.
Author's Note: Anyone get the Breath of Fire II reference?
Steel: And Steve's dead already?
Dave/Spanky: (Nod)
Dave: Forget him, let's go. (They leave)
Steel: Uh... where are we?
(Back at Villains Inc.)
A-Ko: Since you idiots have no plan. I suggest we split up in groups and take them out.
Ramza: But we'll be outnumbered!
Everyone else: Shut up, you!
Yuffie: That's not a problem, most of us have henchmen.
Ramza: Actually, uh... I ditched all my men.
A-Ko: (Jaw drops to the table)
Dr. Evil: I killed all mine.
A-Ko: (Eyes pop out and get really big)
Sephiroth: Same here.
A-Ko: (Sweat drops and gets a blank expression)
Frieza: All of mine were destroyed or sought bad careers as soap opera stars.
A-Ko: (Slams her head against the table) Doesn't anyone have henchmen?!
Grahf: I have my Gear and partner, Executioner, can help.
Beryl: My four generals are complete idiots but they might be able to do something.
Bob: I've got a whole other stack of Playboys if that'll help.
Dr. Evil: I cannot tolerate pure idiocy in this organization! (Pushes a button on his console)
Sephiroth: (Falls down the trap-door into the furnace) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! OW!!! OH POOPY!!! OUCHIES!!! OH S********T!!! OH NNNNNNOOOOOO!!! OOOOOWWWWWIIIIIIEEEEESSSSSS!!! AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Dr. Evil: Oops, wrong button.
Yuffie: You're lucky, Bob. The Doc can only afford one accidental kill per fic.
A-Ko: Well anyway, the people with henchmen should-
Sephiroth (From below): Uh... hello?! Is anyone up there?! I'm still alive?! A little toasted, but fine!
A-Ko: Uh... The people with henchmen-
Sephiroth: Does anyone have a "Restore" materia?! I really feel kinda bad down here!
A-Ko: The people with-
Sephiroth: I mean it! I'm in a LOT of pain! It really, REALLY hurts to move!
A-Ko: The people-
Sephiroth: I know there's some way to get out of here! An old friend of mine designed this place!
A-Ko: The-
Sephiroth: What's the matter with you people?! I'm nearly cooked alive down here and you do nothing! You're so insensitive!
A-Ko: Doc, do you mind?
Dr. Evil: (Pushes the button again)
Sephiroth: AAAAAAOOOOOOOOOWOWOWOWOWHOHOHOHOHOHO!!! (Gets turned into crispy crunchies again)
A-Ko: Anyhow, like I was trying to say... (Looks at her script) 13 lines ago. The people with henchmen should get their butts here ASAP since we could use the help.
Frieza: But what are we going to do about Sephiroth's place?
Dr. Evil: I already had that anticipated. You can come in now!
Pikachu: (Enters, followed by Ash) Pika! Pikachu!
Ash: Pikachu says that he wants revenge against AVALANCHE for every time they've nuked him.
Bob: Hey, I like that version of the Pokemon theme song more!
Pikachu: Kachu!
All: Gesundheit!
Ash: It wasn't that. He also says he had beans for lunch.
Pikachu: Pika, pika! (Farts)
Dr. Evil: (Hastily) We will now dismiss to prepare.
All but Ash/Pikachu: (Put on gas masks and leave)
(The next morning.)
(The city of Midgar! Well, enough about that...)
Ami: I don't get it. Why are we heading for the pound after you sent your friends?
Dav: Well... knowing them. And besides, we might as well drop by there on our way back to the hideout.
A voice from an alley: Also because Dyne couldn't come up with any other way to bring us in.
Another voice: Not only that but several authors have been egging him into putting us in.
Dav: Who's in there?!
Voice 1: Easy to believe he already doesn't remember you.
Voice 2: No, it makes sense since Dyne hasn't had either one of us in his fics yet.
Dav: All right you guys! Joke's over! Now come on out of there before I put garbage cans over your head and repeatedly hit 'em!
(Kevin and Lark come out)
Lark: All right! All right!
Ami: You don't have to be violent.
Dav: Sometimes that's the only thing Kevin understands.
Kevin: Hey!
Dav: Anyway, why are you guys here?
Lark: We stole a copy of the script and decided to come in when we wanted to.
Kevin: (Whacks Lark on the back of the head)
Lark: Sorry... We saw the attack inside the hotel and thought you could use a hand.
Kevin: We'd still be up there if our dates hadn't run off with a cowboy in a trench-coat and another who looked like a typical punk teenager.
Dav: Struck out again, huh?
Lark: Damn right.
Kevin: So anyway, where're we headed?
Dav: First, Ami-chan and I are on our way to the pound to get some friends of hers out.
Ami: They're cats.
Dav: Then we're headed back to the HQ.
Lark: We'll go ahead to the hideout.
Kevin: Yeah, the Honey Bee Inn is right on our way there!
Lark: (Whacks Kevin) We'd have to take the long way and we don't have time!
Ami: I believe it would be better to go straight there since- (An explosion is heard from Sector 7) we have no idea what's been going on since we left.
Lark: Right! (They split up and leave)
(Back at the hideout, the boys are getting their turns at getting taken care of by Minako, much to their objections)
Minako: Okay... so I accidentally blew up your stove trying to make more soup. But the soup came out all right! Who wants some?
Barret/Cid/Red: (Run for cover)
Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Chugs the pot down and makes some really weird faces in a vain attempt to keep it straight)
Minako: Anything?
Cait's Friend: (Nods his head)
Minako: Really?! Can you speak normally again?!
Cait's Friend: (Shakes his head and makes a mad dash for the bathroom.)
Minako: Oh well... I still love him.
Barret/Cid: (Puke all over Red XIII... again!)
Red XIII: Even if I die trying, I'll get you guys one of these days!
Minako: Looks like the dog-
Red XIII: I PREFER crossbreed!
Minako: Sorry, crossbreed needs a bath.
Red XIII: (Let's the words sink in) BATH?!?!?!?! (Tries to run away but due to his illness, gets dizzy and falls over.)
Barret/Cid: (Start laughing their heads off)
Minako: (Somehow picks Red up) And while we're at it, you could use a haircut.
Red XIII: Guys! HELP!!!
Barret/Cid: (Are now rolling on the floor)
Minako: Stop being such a baby. (Carries Red into the bathroom)
Cid/Barret: (Are nearly suffocating with laughter)
Tifa: (Walks in) What's going on out here?! I finally got Cloud to get to sleep after reading "Rapunzel" to him four times!
Cid/Barret: (Die of laughter)
Tifa: Idiots! (Gives 'em Phoenix Downs)
Cid/Barret: (Get up but keep laughing for a few minutes)
Tifa: Now will you please tell me what the hell's going on?!
Barret: Dat foo' tequila man's girlfriend came ta try an nurse us back to health. Now she givin' Red a haircut an' bath. (As he says this they can hear Red yelp in pain from the bathroom).
Aeris: (Comes out) So that explosion was from here?
Cid: Take a look for yourself.
Aeris: MY KITCHEN!!!
Tifa: YOUR kitchen?! I had it for a long time since before you even knew this place existed!
Aeris: Before I even moved here the smoke alarm would go off every time you'd cook something!
Tifa: Look who's talking! That was the third stove we'd have to buy SINCE you came!
Aeris: Why you little... (They start rumbling)
Homer (Sitting at the bar and chugging beer): D'oh! She took my line!
Reno: Booze! It's what's for dinner!
Barney: You said it, Reno! (Belches)
Moe: Ain't it the truth. But if you're getting too hyper over the b***h fight it'll cost extra.
Author's note: Okay, I know that was absolutely pointless, let's move on.
Cid: Was there anything else that crazy chick was doing? (Sits down in his La-Z-Boy)
Barret: She adjusted dat chair of yours.
Cid: She WHAT?! (Cid's chair collapses under him) THAT #$%&@$*%&#%*@%&*^*$%%&(#$%*)%^&#%(#$*$^&($%^(@$%$^($%&#%^(%^*#%&(%*$^&($*$^&(#%^(^( B***H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey! I cussed! I'm f**kin better!
Barret: You damn lucky, foo'! (Sneezes on Cid)
Cid: Ah s**t!
(At the Sector 1 pound)
Ami: This is the place.
Dav: This dump?! I never knew it was a pound. Let's just hope your friends are all right. (Walks up to the front desk and rings the bell)
Squall (Is sitting with his back turned to the two): (Thinks) Someone's here, maybe they'll just go away.
Dav: (Rings the bell louder)
Squall: (Thinks) Why can't you people just leave me alone?
Dav: HEY, ALREADY!!!
Squall: (Thinks) I don't deal with rowdy people.
Ami: Let me try. (Turns to Squall) Excuse me.
Squall: (Thinks) Not even a pretty girl other than my boss will make me do my job.
Ami: We'd like some help, please.
Squall: (Thinks) You won't get any from me, blue-hair.
Ami: GIVE US SOME SERVICE BEFORE I FREEZE YOUR @$$ WHERE YOU SIT AND MY HUSBAND SHOVES THAT BELL DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!
Dav: (Is UTTERLY shocked)
Ami: (Blushes with embarrassment) Dav... if I ever do that again, tie me down and spank me.
The women of Castle Anthrax: A spanking! A spanking!
Dav: (Still in shock) Uh... okay...
Squall: (Thinks) Where'd they come from? But I might as well help them since they won't give up. (Turns to the two and speaks) Welcome to the Midgar Shelter for mentally deranged and forgotten animals, I'm Squall Leonheart.
Dav: Didn't I see you on a news program somewhere before?
Squall: (Thinks) First job I actually handle and I get a sarcastic twit.
Ami: I'll handle this. (Turns back to Squall) We learned that two pets of ours were brought here and we're here to pick them up.
Squall: (Thinks sarcastically) What a couple! One's aggressive and the other's pretty monotonous. (Speaks) What sort of pets?
Ami: They're both cats. One male white and a female black.
Squall: (Thinks) About damn time someone came for them. (Speaks) Are they the ones with the crescent-moon bald spots and talk?
Dav: (Snickers)
Ami: (Elbows him in the stomach) They're NOT bald spots!!!
Dav: Sorry...
Squall: (Thinks sarcastically) Well they get along pretty badly. (Speaks) Yeah, they're here. Follow me. (Gets up and walks into a back room)
Dav/Ami: (Follow him)
(As the three walk through the hall of cages, all of the animals start shouting at Squall.)
Scooby-Doo: Ret me outta here!
Daffy Duck: You're despicable!
Garfield: Why don't you all shut up! I'm trying to sleep!
Archie: Where're the girls? (Notices Ami) Hey, blue-hair, how about a date?
Dav: (Casts Bolt 3 on Archie)
Archie: (Gets turned into Post Toasties)
Nall: I'll turn you in! I haven't had any fish in two days!
Charlie Brown: Hey! My dog's supposed to be here! Not me!
Pee Wee Herman: Ha ha!
Stone Cold Steve Austin: You'd better let me outta her 'cause Stone Cold Said So you $@#^@$#%&@$%#$%%^&#$%^*$%^(&(#%^#%&(#%!!!!!!
Bulbasar: Bulba! Bulbasar!
Michaelangelo: Hey, dude! This cage is smaller than my shell!
Piccolo: Why the hell am I here! I should be on Namek!
Squall: (Thinks) Every day the same thing. The only reason I keep this job is because my boss is so damn hot. (Speaks) They're here. (Hits the cage) Wake up you two! You've got visitors!
Artemis: (Gets up) This isn't a prison, even though it should be! And-
Luna: (Whacks him) Stop complaining or we won't get fed! Besides... (Looks out) Ami-chan? Is that really you?!
Ami: Yes, it is.
Luna: You have no idea how much we were worried about you guys!
Artemis: So you finally overthrew that b***h Yuffie and came to rescue us?
Ami: Well, I had a little help from Dav here.
Luna: I was wondering who he is. Why's he here now?
Artemis: Is he your boyfriend.
Luna: (Whacks him again)
Ami: Actually... (Starts blushing again) he's my husband.
Luna/Artemis:
Artemis: (To Luna) How come you always get top billing in the script?
Luna: Not now!
Artemis: Right.
Luna/Artemis: HE'S WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! (The whole building shakes)
Dav: (Thinks) Have I gone deaf? (Speaks) I knew you two wouldn't take it well.
Ami: I'd better explain all this to you.
Squall: The visiting hours are over. If you want these cats you'll have to pay for 'em.
Dav: All right. How much?
Squall: (Thinks) Maybe if I work well enough the boss'll give me a "raise". (Speaks) 50,000 gil.
Dav: 50,000!?!
Ami: These cats are priceless to me spiritually. But physically, they're worth at least 500 gil.
Luna/Artemis: (Sweat drop) Thanks for your confidence...
Squall: I have to get paid you know.
Dav: Do we care?
Squall: I want my new boss to be proud of me.
Ami: (Whispers to Dav) Should we try to bargain?
Dav: (Whispers back) Let me try something first. (Turns to Squall) Do you like to gamble?
Squall: (Thinks) Yeah, whatever. (Speaks) Depends on the game.
Dav: (Pulls out his copy of Smash Bros.) Show me what you've got.
Ami: You carry it around with you?!
Dav: (Smiles at her) Who doesn't?
Squall: (Thinks) Oh, brother... (Speaks) I don't have an N64 here. How about cards?
Dav: Poker? Gin? Cribbage?
Squall: (Thinks) Hasn't this guy played my game yet? (Speaks) I'm talking about these. (Pulls out his deck of FF8 cards.)
Dav: I've heard of it, but I don't know how to play.
Ami: I do, but I don't have any cards.
Squall: (Thinks) That was too easy. (Speaks) Then you'll have to pay the full price, then.
Artemis: HOLD IT!!!
Squall/Dav/Ami: Huh?
Artemis: Who said either of you two had to play?
Ami: You mean...?
Artemis: (Pulls out his deck) Open, Trade: One, Elemental, Sudden Death, Same/Plus.
Squall: You're on, furball!
(A few minutes and three draws later.)
Squall: (Thinks) I HAVE to win this. (Speaks) Only two spaces left, cat.
Artemis: (Grins evilly and places a card in the center) Ha! Same, Plus, AND Combo! (Turns all the cards)
Author's Note: Yes, that's possible. I've done it twice.
Squall: (Makes a REALLY weird face, as if it couldn't get any more) Uh... damn... (Places the card and only turns one)
Artemis: HA!!! Works every time!
Squall: (In shock) I lost... to a... cat...?
Ami: What's you're secret to winning, Artemis?
Artemis: It's not that hard, really. The worst part is holding onto these DAMN cards!!!
Squall: I lost... to a cat!?
Luna: You finally proved useful.
Dav: No time for that. (Opens the cage. Luna jumps onto Ami's shoulder while Artemis jumps onto Dav)
Squall: (Finally lets the reality sink in) I LOST TO A CAT!!! I won't lose to any f**king feline! (Draws his gunblade and charges at Artemis)
Dav: (Draws Atma Weapon and cut the gunblade in half) Loser! (Grabs Squall by the shirt collar and steals his cards)
Squall: You can't hurt me! I'm a SeeD!
Dav: I won't, moron. (Hits the switch to open all the cages and throws Squall into the middle of the room) He's all yours, guys!
(All of the recently caged animals and people all beat the crap outta Squall before leaving)
Squall (Broken and bleeding): I... will... not... lose... to... a... cat...
Dav/Artemis: SHUT UP ALREADY!!!
Ami: Go ahead, Pee Wee.
Pee Wee: Ha ha!
Squall: NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Dav: (Stares at Ami in utter disbelief)
Ami: (Only smiles at him)
(The couple and two cats leave the pound)
(Somewhere in Sector 4)
Dave: Steel, hand me that map.
Steel: (Hands it to him)
Spanky: You think we'd be there by now.
Steel: I was following the map exactly!
Dave: (Notices something) You idiot! You were holding the map to Sector 5 and it was upside-down.
Steel: I admit I lost the map to Sector 1 but was NOT holding it sideways!
Dave: I said, "upside-down"!
Steel: Sorry...
Spanky: Well this is a wedgie up the @$$.
Steel: Shut up! I'll find us a way out of here!
Spanky: Oh no! I'll get us out of here! (He's about to turn a corner when he collides with someone.)
Dave: (Speaking to you, the reader) These guys don't actually act like this in real life, they're just the comic reliefs.
Kevin: (Picks himself up) Hey! Why don't you watch where I'm going?!
Spanky: Excuse me! I thought this was a walkway, not a freeway!
Lark: Not your fault, Kevin was drooling over some chick who he thinks looks like his old girlfriend.
Kevin: I overheard her say something to her friend-
Dave: (Sweat drops)
Kevin: (Continues) about me looking like her old boyfriend.
Dave (Cloud): (Appears again) Hate to spoil you're mood, Kev, but she was talking about me.
Kevin: How would you know?
Dave: You remember Celebrity Deathmatch 3?
Dave: Yeah, and since then she's been after me.
Kevin: Damn, you're lucky.
Dave: LUCKY?! I've been in hiding ever since!
Dave: I know how you feel. One of 'em suddenly got interested in me!
Dave: Damn, they're probably on the lookout for us now!
Rei: They're over there!
Dave: Holy shnickies! They spotted us already!
Makoto: Don't let 'em escape this time!
Dave/Dave: F**K!!! (Run like hell)
Makoto: Wait! I'll make your favorite pizza! (Runs after Dave)
Rei: I'll sing for you! (Runs after Dave)
Lark: Now what the hell was that all about?
Steel: Just filler. While you guys are here can you tell us how to get back to Sector 1?
Kevin: Hey, are you the guys Dav told us about?
Spanky: Yeah.
Lark: They've probably gotten to the pound and are back at the Hideout by now.
Steel: He knew we would get lost and sent you to find us?!
Kevin: Actually, we're trying to find the Hideout.
Steel: So, you're lost too?
Lark: Not lost, sidetracked by him.
Kevin: HEY!!!
Spanky: We all might as well get back to the Hideout then.
(They try to find the way out of Sector 4)
(Back at Villains Inc. in Queen Beryl's room)
Beryl: Get out of here you little spore!
Ramza: I'm sorry, already! The map said that my room was the one right here, but I must've made a wrong turn and-
Beryl: I said "OUT!!!" (Blasts Ramza through the wall)
Ramza: (Flies down the hallway and into A-Ko's room where she's taking a shower and... uh... I'd better not describe what happens)
Beryl: Why can't that little spitwad just die?!
Pikachu: (Enters the room) Pika! PIKA!!!
Beryl: Not you again!
Author's Note: We already all know that Pikachu is a perverted little bastard.
Pikachu: Chu?
Beryl: Chu this! (Fires at Pikachu)
Pikachu: PIKA! (Dodges)
Ash: (Walks in) Hey Pikachu, our room's the one over thAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (Dies)
Beryl: Damn you! You ruined my "Night of Fun With Ash" (TM)
Author's Note: I am in no way responsible if you barfed all over your keyboard after that last line.
Pikachu: Pika?
Beryl: DIE!!! (About to fire another shot when-)
Ramza: (Comes flying back through the wall, hits Pikachu, and both go through the other wall and down the building.)
Bob: (From his room) Hey, Doc! There's a draft in here!
Beryl: (Thinks) When will they get here? They're four hours late!
(Somewhere in the wilderness)
Jadeite: This is the last time we let Nephrite navigate us to where we're going!
Nephrite: My method of navigation is used the world over by sailors. The movement of the stars rules everything.
Zoicite: Stars schmarz! I've had enough of the kocamammie bulls**t!
Kunzite: Enough, you two! We don't have time to act like little kids. We have to figure out exactly where we are.
Zoicite: (Whining) But Kunzite!
Kunzite: Not now, Zoicite, we'll talk about it later.
Jadeite: Stop being such a baby!
Zoicite: Why, you little... (Rushes at Jadeite)
Homer: D'oh! Again!
Scully: Mulder, we've got to figure out exactly what's behind this.
Mulder: You mean the really funny thing that Dyne's about to put in after our completely pointless conversation?
Scully: No! I mean what's with people stealing everyone else's lines?
Mulder: Well that's a wedgie up the @$$.
Jadeite: (Grabs Zoicite's shirt and accidentally rips it off.)
Zoicite: (Revealed to be a man like he always was)
Nephrite: I knew it all along! Pretty damn flat-chested for a woman!
Zoicite: (VERY nervously) Uh... s**t... that really sucks... (Thinks) I knew I should've stolen Sailor Moon's disguise pen, or at least an Instant Plot Device.
Jadeite/Nephrite: Just add water!
Kunzite (Falls into shock): Zoicite, you always told me you were a woman!
Zoicite: Well... you never checked or asked otherwise.
Kunzite: You... never... told... me... that... you... were... a... man... YOU NEVER TOLD ME!!! (Does the Cloud Strife freakout (TM))
Jadeite: Anyway, have you figured out where we are?
Nephrite: (Pulls out a map) According to this, we're in this swamp. Villains Inc. is southwest of Midgar.
Jadeite: Swamp? Did you say, "swamp"?!
Nephrite: (Nods)
Jadeite: F**k! Then that means-
Midgar Zolom: (Rises out of the marsh) Grrrr...
Nephrite: Looks like we have no choice but to fight.
Zoicite: Kunzite, come on!
Kunzite (Still in shock): You... never... told... me...
Jadeite: We'll fight without him.
(An ff7-type battle screen opens up)
Author's Note: You'll have to imagine this, you may get some good results.
Zoicite: ZOI! (Fires a blast of flower petals doing 2 damage)
Author's Note: I think that attack did too much. I mean come on! It's just a bunch of flower petals!
Zolom: (Attacks Nephrite but misses)
Jadeite: (Summons a jet which runs over the Zolom, leaving tire tracks and doing 563 damage)
Nephrite: Feel the power of the stars! (Fires a white-hot blast causing 1210)
Zolom: (Moves into its upright position)
Zoicite: Ha ha ha! You can't escape from me, Cape Boy- I mean, scale head! (Creates an ice crystal spear and throws it, 756 damage)
Zolom: Grrr... (Whacks Zoicite off the battlefield)
Zoicite: (Lands on Kunzite)
Kunzite: Get off me you f**kin' homo! (Throws Zoicite back onto the field)
Jadeite: (Starts absorbing the Zolom's energy, sort of like a reverse Regen that transfers to him.)
Nephrite: I will be...................... its master. (Tries to manipulate but fails)
Zolom: (Casts Beta)
Jadeite: (Takes no damage but his energy sphere disappears) You'll pay dearly... for this!
Nephrite: (Absorbs the power)
Zoicite: (Uniform catches on fire and he runs around screaming)
Author's Note: Man or woman, Zoicite is just an idiot.
Zoicite: (Runs into Zolom and ignites it)
Zolom: Oh poopy... (Burns to death and disappears in a red flash)
(VICTORY!!! FF5-type)
Gained 1000 GP
Zoicite gained a huge bill for his replacement uniform so all GP is lost.
Gained 250 Exp.
Nephrite gained a level.
Gained 10 ABP.
Jadeite gained a Job Level.
-Learned "Tetis" summon.
(Battle screen closes)
Nephrite: All right then. Let's head west.
Jadeite: Move it, you two!
Kunzite (STILL in shock) Why... didn't... you... tell... me...?
(BREAK TIME)
Cloud: What the hell is this? I've only been in one scene so far!
Vegeta: Damn right! We're still alive you know!
Cait Sith: At least you guys are actually somewhere! Vincent and I are still wandering around Midgar!
Vincent: But not for much longer.
Cait Sith: Dammit, Vince! You're not supposed to give away the plot!
Dave: Doesn't really matter, actually. I've already told some people about a ton of things that happen.
Red XIII: Please don't say anything about what I end up looking like.
Dave: That's all right, considering Minako only has the haircutting time down to two minutes.
Red XIII: (Eyes bulge) WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Cloud: Oh yeah, I can't wait to see that!
Sephiroth: Stop whining already! I was the 1st one to die!
Frieza: Be glad you're still alive in real life, unlike Ash.
Dave: Is anyone complaining that he's dead?
Dave: Not really.
Grahf: And what's this with two people having the same name talking to each other twice?!
Waldo: And I don't think anyone imagined me in any of the crowds yet.
Vegeta: No one thinks about you in any crowd anymore you has-been dips**t! (Blows Waldo away)
Lark: Was there any point to that at all?
Mulder: About as much as when I came in.
Cait's Fiend: Tequila man!
Cid: Nothing in these fics make any f**kin' sense anymore.
Bob: That's what makes it so funny.
Pikachu: Pika!
Dave: There's also another reason for this. (Grabs Pikachu) Who wants to kick the Pikachu?!
Pikachu: Don't kick the Pikachu!
All: KICK THE PIKACHU (Cait's Friend: Tequila man!) (Everyone plays soccer with Pikachu until the end of the break)
(And now back to the fic...)
(At the hideout)
Tifa/Aeris: (Are still rumbling)
Cid: (Sitting in his La-Z-Boy which he duct taped back together) Damn! How long're they going to go on this time?!
Barret: They been goin' on for an hour now.
Homer/Barney/Reno: B***h fight! B***h fight!
Moe: And tell them to shut up!
Cloud: (Walks out with a cleared head) What the hell's going on out here?! (Thinks) As if I didn't already know.
Vegeta: (Walks out) Why even bother? Should we stick with the earlier bet?
Cloud: Sweet! (They join in the cheering)
(Several more minutes pass before Cait and Vincent finally return)
Cait Sith: Hey guys! I know how much fun this is! But we discovered something REALLY important!
Everyone: (Isn't paying attention)
Vincent: (Fires a few rounds through the ceiling) HEY!!!
Bullets: (Fly through the air and nearly miss hitting a plane).
(Onboard the Gelnika)
Tseng: Gelnika to Home Base, we're being fired at. I'm going to launch one of our new homing missiles at the source.
Elena: But Mr. Tseng, they haven't been fully tested!
The voices of everyone on the planet: Elena! Don't act so f**kin' weak!
Rude: (Turns off his tape recorder) It was worth it to record all that. (Sees something shiny) Ooo... pretty.
Author's Note: Ever wonder why Rude is always looking at his watch?
Tseng: Firing missile now! (Pushes the button)
Missile: (Locks onto the Gelnika and destroys it).
(Back to the crew)
Everyone: (Turns to Vincent)
Vincent: Cait and I learned about a new organization called Villains Inc., and they're out to get us!
Barret: What da hell d'ya mean, foo'!?
Tifa (With her hands still around Aeris' throat): How did you learn about that?
Cait Sith: (Holds up a piece of paper) We found a flyer for it on a telephone pole.
Cloud: Gimme that! (Reads) "Hate AVALANCHE? Then come join Villains Incorporated, led by the world famous Dr. Evil. Admission price is one-million dollars..." Wait, that's crossed out, "Admission price is one-hundred billion dollars, unless you're invited or you can find your way to our base on you own. To apply, call 1-800-EVIL." What kind of secret organization advertises?!?!?!?!
Barret: We've done it.
Tifa: (DRIPPING with sarcasm) Oh yeah... and it worked out VERY nicely...
Aeris: But how are we going to find out where they are?
Red's voice: I have an idea.
(The bathroom door opens and Red comes out. He has several randomly cut strips of shorter, or even no hair and his mane is now styled like Bart Simpson's.)
Everyone: (Starts laughing their heads, or in Cloud and Vegeta's case, hair, off)
Red XIII: It's not funny! Cait's Friend decided to help her out!
Everyone: (Laughs harder and are immediately on the floor).
Red XIII: (Goes into a corner and starts crying) You're all heartless...
(The chaos continues for several minutes until Cait realizes something)
Cait Sith: What's going on in there now?
Red XIII: (Isn't listening)
Vegeta: I'll look. (Opens the bathroom door.)
Minako: Eh? Do you mind?!
Cait's Friend: FEJITA!!!
Vegeta: Oh s**t!!! (Slams it shut) They're taking a bath together in tequila!
Everyone: (Pukes once again all over poor Red, and trust me, bare skin and stomach acid don't mix.)
Red: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!! IT BURNS!!! (Tries to lick it off, but ends up running around the room screaming.)
Dav/Ami: (Walk in with the two cats)
Ami: Nothing aside from the usual going on.
Artemis: You brought Ami to live in THIS place?!
Dav: You two obviously don't know too much about this group.
Ami: (Whispers to him) They also don't know what happened on our honeymoon.
Dav: We'll tell them later, right now we'd better get these idiots back in order. (Turns to the group) Hey, idiots!
Barret: Whaddya want, foo'?!
Cait Sith: And who's that cute little kitten with Ami?
Luna: (Blushes) Er... my name is Luna.
Cid: Holy s**t! They can talk?!
Artemis: Doesn't everyone? And you can back off cat, Luna's my girlfriend!
Minako's voice: You? Have a girlfriend?! That's the biggest laugh of the century! (Comes out wearing a towel) You have high hopes, Arty.
Artemis: Minako?! You live here too?! And why are you covered in tequila?
Minako: I'm seeing someone who lives here. Would you like to meet him?
Artemis: Bring him out here!
Minako: (Turns to the bathroom) Come out here, Cait's Friend.
Cait's Friend: V-Babe! (Comes out fully dressed, still soaked in tequila, but trips and accidentally pulls Minako's towel off.)
Dav: (Covers Artemis' eyes.)
Ami: (Covers Dav's eyes.)
Tifa: (Covers Cloud's eyes.)
Aeris: (Covers Vegeta's eyes.)
Vince/Cid/Barret/Cait/Red: OH SWEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!! (Howl and drool)
Minako: (Turns VERY red and immediately jumps back into the bathroom.
Cait's Friend: TEQUILA TEQUILA TEQUILA! (Follows her)
Moe: Now that's the best thing that's happened all day.
Homer/Barney/Reno: (Are already passed out from the booze)
Luna: We'd better have a long talk with her.
Artemis (Still in shock): (Nods)
Cloud: Now that that's all over, what are we going to do about Villains Inc.?
Red XIII: We could ask my grandpa.
Cid: Didn't that old fart die?
Red XIII: Not anymore, I hooked his brain up to a cybernetic body which keeps his mind alive.
Vincent: How could you without any opposable thumbs?
Red XIII: Believe me it wasn't easy. I really didn't help when I got electrocuted.
Vegeta: Whahahahahaha!!! It just goes to show what happens when little kids play dangerously.
Red XIII: I AM NOT A LITTLE KID!!! I'M 48!!!
Aeris: Which is still only 15 or 16 in human years.
Red XIII: $%&@$%&#%^*@$%*#%*@%^(#%^&@$^(@$%@%^(#$%^$%@*@#$%@$#%*@%&@$^&*@^(#%&#*@$%&#%&@$%^*#% ALL OF YOU DONKEYS!!!
Tifa: Typical male talk, nothing but profanity and various grunts.
Cloud/Barret/Cid: Damn right!
Ami: (Has a hand over Dav's mouth.)
Vincent: But may I suggest we take Red's advice and fly to Cosmo Canyon?
Ami: Yes, it would be advantageous to gather the necessary data and apply it to our strategy.
Everyone: (Looks at Ami.)
Dav: (Sighs) She said to think of a plan for attack.
Minako: (Comes out fully dressed) I'm going too! (Thinks) Maybe they'll let me fly that thing.
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Luna: Artemis and I will stay. No telling what else is out there.
Cait Sith: If she stays, I stay!
Vincent: (Picks Cait up by the scruff of his neck and carries him out.)
Cait Sith: NOT FAIR!!! If I still had my moogle, he'd whip your @$$!
Cloud: All right everyone, lets-
Cid: (Has his spear poised to shove up Cloud's @$$ and is grinning evilly.)
Cloud: Move out! (Leaves)
Cid: I have trained you well! (Leaves)
Tifa: Take care of the bar, Moe.
Moe: Yes Ma'am.
Barret: (Says as he leaves) Hey Teef? Whatever happened to Marlene?
(Everyone piles into the Highwind.)
(Back at Villains Inc., in the conference room.)
Beryl: Kunzite! You have failed me for the last time!
Kunzite: Queen Beryl, please! I did my best to get us here on time! It's not like there're signs that say "Villains Inc. Hq. this way."
Beryl: Yes there are... But anyway, you will now be given the ultimate punishment! Sharing quarters with Ramza!
Kunzite: NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The other generals: (Laugh their heads off.)
Ramza: Oh goodie! Someone to practice giving wedgies to!
Yuffie: RAMZA! You're only supposed to give wedgies to me!
Ramza: I'm sorry...
Author's Note: Once again, I am not held responsible if you barfed.
A-Ko: If you nimrods are done, can me get back to the meeting? By the way, where's the Doc?
Grahf: He said that he had some very important business to take care of and told us to go ahead.
(In the kitchen)
Dr. Evil (Is turning the spit with his hot dogs on it): (Thinks) It certainly was worth it to sneak into Balamb Garden for these.
(Back in the conference room)
A-Ko: Since all of you are too lazy to come up with plans, I have one.
Frieza: Whatever it is, we'll follow it!
Pikachu: Pika pi!
Bob: Oh not now!
A-Ko: He didn't mean that.
Bob: Oh... Anyway, I'll follow any plans unless it means danger to my porn magazines.
A-Ko: We will make the first strike against Midgar and lure them out. I'll need two volunteers.
Everyone: (Makes a mad dash for the door.)
Grahf: (Steps on Frieza's tail, causing both to fall.)
A-Ko: Congrats, gentlemen, you get to conduct the first assault.
Grahf/Frieza: Ah f**k!
A-Ko: Don't forget you Gear this time.
Grahf: (Sweat drops)
(In the Highwind's conference room)
Pilot's voice over the intercom: Captain, we should be at Cosmo Canyon in less than an hour. Until then- Hey! What are you doing?! (Gets cut off)
Barret: Okay, what're we gonna do until then?
Vincent: We all know what the three married couples are doing.
Cait Sith: Hey! That reminds me, I improved Dav's bugging system! Let's listen in!
Cid/Barret/Red/Vince: Hell yeah!
Cait Sith: (Turns in on to Aeris/Vegeta's room)
Aeris' voice: Fun's fun, Vegeta, but let me have a turn.
Vegeta's voice: Sorry, honey, can I help it if these old games are addictive? (Takes a few shots but misses) Aw f**k!
Red XIII: They're playing Duck Hunt?!
Cid: Hey, don't diss the classics!
Cait Sith: Let's try somewhere else (Flips to Dav/Ami's room.)
Ami's voice: Dav, you never cease to amaze me.
Dav's voice: I'm just getting warmed up.
Cait Sith: We hit paydirt!
Ami's voice: I mean, who else have I ever seen finish a crossword puzzle from one of my books this quickly before?
Cait/Red/Barret/Vince/Cid: (Sweat drop)
Cait Sith: (Chanting) The third time's the charm... The third time's the charm... The third time's the charm...
Cid: Just flip the damn switch before you send us to Oz!
Cait Sith: All right all right. (Tunes into Cloud/Tifa's room.)
A voice: Oh baby, oh yeah baby!
Vincent: Is that Cloud?
Red XIII: Keep listening.
Another Voice: Ah know that's Mayor Quimby.
Cid: Godammit! They're watching Simpsons!
Vincent: The episode where Homer is accused of sexual harassment.
Barret: Dat's my favorite episode, foo'!
Cait Sith: Why, 'cause you can relate?
Barret: You damn cat! C'mere and I'll squash you!
Pilot's voice: Captain, we've got a problem!
Cid: Ah s**t! Could this day get any worse?
(Everyone heads for the bridge to see the pilot and crew tied up in a corner.)
Minako: (At the wheel, singing) I'm on top of the world! And with this baby I can easily blow it away!
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Cid: WHAT THE %^#$^%*&$%*&$&^%*$%#$%*&)&*#%^(#^&@$%&#%^*@$%#$%^*@%$#%^&@$%^*#%^@$^*#%$^!@$%*#%^@$%&*#%^&@$%&#%^&@$%^*#^&@$^*@$%&#%^*#$^&@$%&# IS THAT B***H DOING TO MY SHIP!?!?!?!?!?
Minako: (Sees them and sweat drops) Uh... hi guys. I only wanted to fly it for a few minutes. But they wouldn't let me, so I had to improvise.
Cait Sith: WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!!!
Minako: Huh?
Highwind: (Collides with another ship)
(Onboard the Draconis)
Philia: Stahn! Wake up! We're under attack!
Stahn: (Still asleep) Oh... just five more minutes, please mommy...
Philia: How are we going to get him up?
Clemente: Same as we always have.
Philia: All right. (Powers Clemente) Lightning! (Casts the bolt on Stahn)
Stahn: EEEEYYYYAAAAAAHHHH!!! (Scoots around the room on his butt trying to put out the fire) What the hell was that for?!
Dymlos: No matter how many times it's happened, I say you deserve it.
Stahn: You stay out of this! (Turns to Philia) What's the problem?
Philia: You're needed on the bridge. Some ship rammed us from the side.
Stahn: I'll never forgive anyone who interrupts my nap time!
(They head for the bridge.)
Crewman: I've opened up a channel.
(Back on the Highwind)
Stahn's voice: This is Stahn Aileron of the Draconis. Why have you attacked us?
Cid: Well this is Commander Sisko of Deep Space Nine. You @$$holes have the wrong number!
Stahn's voice: Oh really? I'm sorry to bother you Mr. Sisko, I was... Hey! You're not Sisko! Deep Space Nine was blown away a few months ago!
Cid: Took you dips**ts long enough. My f**kin' pilot can't keep her eyes on the road!
Philia's voice: We do not wish to engage in any hostile actions. So we will clear up this misunderstanding as an accident and be on our way as there was no harm done.
Vincent: (Whispers something to Cid)
Cid: Tough s**t! Your f**king hull scratched up my bikini goddess! Fire when ready!
Cait's Friend: (Salutes) Tequila man! (Presses the button and fires all missiles.)
Draconis: Gets blown away)
Minako: Well, that's taken care of. I'll just take the wheel again.
Pilot: Oh no! (He and the crew grab Minako and tie her up.)
Minako: Why is everything happening to me?
Cait Sith: Take care of her, friend.
Cait's Friend: Tequila tequila, V-Babe! (Picks Minako up and carries her to the chocobo stable)
Author's Note: Raise your hand if you're surprised that Cait's Friend is still alive.
(Back in Midgar)
Steel: We're finally back in Sector 1, so we should be there soon.
Spanky: Thank God, we've been wandering around for hours.
Lark: It's only been 20 minutes since we were separated.
Kevin: (Suddenly stops)
Steel: What's up, Kev.
Kevin: I heard a strange noise from that pile of boxes. (Draws the Apocalypse)
Lark: Yeah, I heard it too. (Draws the sword of Leah) Let's check it out.
(They knock over the pile of boxes to see...)
Dave: It's only you guys.
Steel: What the hell are you doing here? Where's Dave?
Dave: We got separated in Sector 2. I finally managed to outrun Makoto, but don't know if he got away from Rei.
Dave: (Throws the lid off of a garbage can and climbs out) Believe me, it was close.
Spanky: We'd better get to the hideout before something else happens.
(An explosion rocks the entire city and knocks over the plate support to Sector 3.)
Dave: I really wish you'd stop saying things like that.
(At Shinra Hq.)
Rufus: Oh for the love of God! Are we under attack AGAIN!? Heidegger! Give me a report on what caused that!
Heidegger: (Runs his fat @$$ in) Gyahahahaha! It's two flying guys, sir! Well... at least I think the pink one is a guy. Anyway sir, one is a pink lizard-thing and the other has a Halloween mask on!
Rufus: F**K! I was hoping it'd be those school girls again! Dispatch the troops!
Heidegger: What troops?! No one's signed up since the entire army was destroyed in the last attack!
Rufus: Then where's Scarlet?! She's in charge of the weapons department!
Heidegger: No one's seen her or Palmer lately.
Rufus: $#$%*&^$*#$%&#$%^*#%^&#%^*@$^*&*#%!!!
(Back in the city)
Grahf: (Blasts another building from the top of the city) Augh! Galvatron want the heat-resistant metal alloy!
Frieza: You really should stop watching your Transformers tapes before attacks.
Grahf: I can't help it. I always worry on whether or not they're able to revive Optimus each time I watch it.
Frieza: Why would the outcome of the exact same tape change if you watch it over and over?!
Grahf: Apparently you're not a believer. Anyway... (Turns back to the city) Unless all members of AVALANCHE come to fight, we will destroy this city and no one will be bestowed with the power!
Frieza: (Sweat drops)
(Down in the street)
Dave: Oh s**t! It's Frieza!
Dave: And Grahf!
Kevin: They want the team to come out and fight.
Spanky: That's just perfect! Didn't they see the Highwind leave?
Kevin: Looks like it's up to us, or Midgar's toast.
Steel: It's become history in a ton of fics already!
Lark: No time for that! Kevin, Dave, and I will get horn boy, you three take the other weirdo.
Dave: Right! (They split up)
(At Dave's group)
Spanky: All right! Come down here you living freak show who gives Cyan a bad name!
Grahf: (To Frieza) That would be me. (Floats down to the group) Is it a crime to celebrate Halloween all year long? To speak like this? Or to like Transformers since that's what Xenogears reminds a lot of people of?
Dave: We'll forgive you for the Transformers! If you liked Power Rangers, then it'd be a different story!
Grahf: You amuse me, I'll let my partner handle you. Executioner, come hither!
Executioner: (Appears) I am here, Master Grahf! (Pulls out her staff)
Dave: All right, this one's mine! (Pulls out his staff)
Executioner: I warn you kid, I've never lost a one-on-one before.
Dave: You've never fought the author! By the way, you've got a tear in your gown.
Executioner: Huh? Where? (Looks for it.)
Dave: HAH!!! (Whacks Executioner in the stomach)
Executioner: Why... you... (Attacks)
(Two exchange attacks and parries for several minutes until...)
Executioner: (Swings around)
Dave: (Blocks, but the force causes both of their staves to break in half.)
Dave/Executioner: Aw, damn! (Throw one piece away)
(They fall back into the same attack pattern.)
Dave: (Manages to land a blow to the head.)
Executioner: (Is dizzy)
Dave: (Moves two fingers in front of her face) Watch the birdie.
Executioner: (Follows the movements) A... birdie? Where's the birdie?
Dave: Right... (Pokes Executioner in the eyes) THERE!
Executioner: (Recovers and attacks again, causing their staves to break again.)
Spanky: (Is eating popcorn) Just like on Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
Steel: (Also eating popcorn) Damn right.
Dave/Executioner: (Throw away another piece and renew the assault.)
Executioner: I'm not going to fall for anything else.
Dave: What about Dicaprio standing over there?
Executioner: He's HERE?
Dicraprio: (Is wandering around the street, looking for undefended children to molest.)
Executioner: Leo! Over here!
Dave: I've had enough. (Pulls out a high-power rifle and blows Executioner's head off.)
D**kaprio: (Walks over to the group) You dare mess with Dicaprio?
Steel/Spanky: Shoot his f**kin' head!
Dave: (Shoot's Dicrapio's f**kin' head off) Let's hear it for Assassin, the place to kill celebrities!
Grahf: Just for that, you don't get the power! It must be my turn to eliminate thee. Come forth, my Gear!
True Weltall: (Lands and Grahf enters) Now I will destroy you all!
Steel/Spanky: Don't shoot! Don't shoot! We're the comic reliefs!
Dave: (Sweat drops and thinks) Idiots! (Speaks) Did you guys think I wouldn't come prepared? (Pulls out a transmitter) Send them in!
Captain Cloud's voice: Yes sir! (Activates a console) They're on their way!
Author's note: Remember him?
(Two specialized Omnigears land next to the group)
Dave: Meet your new toys, gentlemen.
Steel: Oh sweet!
Spanky: What're their names?
Dave: That's left up to you.
Steel: All right! (Climbs into his) I'll call you... Soapdish!
Dave: (Jaw drops to the ground) SOAPDISH?!?!?!?!?!
Spanky: (Climbs into his) I'll name you after my favorite thing on Earth. I dub thee, Hot Dog!
Dave: (Face vaults and thinks) Soapdish and Hot Dog... I should've named 'em.
True Weltall: I have yet to lose... again!
Soapdish: Well then, I guess we'll be the second group to ruin your perfect record for the first time!
Dave (Very confused): Huh?
True Weltall: I won't lose! (Charges Soapdish)
Soapdish: (Puts his arm out and holds TW back by the forehead)
TW: (Tries to punch repeatedly but can't reach) Hey! That's not nice!
Soapdish: (Pulls its arms back and trips TW)
TW: (Falls flat on its face)
Soapdish: (Tags Hot Dog)
Hot Dog: (Kicks TW in the @$$ several times)
TW: (Manages to get up) You'll regret that! (Pulls out a laser cannon)
Hot Dog: (Dripping with sarcasm) Ooo... I'm scared! I've leaked my oil! (Pulls out a bigger cannon)
TW: WHAT?! (Pulls out a giant missile launcher)
Hot Dog: (Pulls out a dual missile launcher)
TW: (Pulls out a quad-missile launcher with MIRV attachments)
Hot Dog: (Pulls out a giant mallet and whacks TW)
TW: Ohhh... Lookit all the pretty stars...
Dave: NOW! DO IT NOW!!!
Soapdish/Hot Dog: (Fire several missiles and laser blasts)
TW: (Blows up)
Dave: We did it!
Steel: (Climbs out of Soapdish) That was a lot easier than I thought it'd be.
Spanky: (Climbs out of Hot Dog) We're going to have a lot of fun with these babies!
Dave: (Notices something) Wait! Something's moving in the rubble.
Grahf (With his back turned to the group): (Climbs out of the debris and realizes something) My mask! Where's my mask?!
Steel: That voice?! I've heard it before!
Grahf: (Turns around and is revealed to be a geeky-looking, buck-toothed, zit-covered idiot with a high pitched voice.) Don't laugh at me! (Starts crying)
Steel: Darth Vader from Celebrity Deathmatch 4?!
Spanky: Why are you back as Grahf?!
Grahf: I wanted to do something to avenge myself for the humiliation I received back then. But you ruined everything!
Dave: Shut the hell up, loser! (Shoots Grahf's head off)
Steel: Whoa, is the ground where his head landed dying?
Spanky: I wonder how the others are doing.
(At Dave' group)
Kevin: Hey pinky! You want a target? We're right here!
Frieza: How dare you call me "pinky"! (Floats down) How pitiful, your power levels aren't even a fraction of mine.
Dave: (Thinks) I was about to say the same thing regarding height and brains.
Lark: Would you rather be called "girly man"?
Frieza: Damn you! Just for that, I'll make your deaths twice as painful! (Starts powering up)
Dave: Your shoe's untied.
Frieza: (Loses the power) What? (Looks down)
Dave: (Thinks) Dumber than the average Saiyan. (Speaks) Attack now!
Kevin/Lark: (Charge Frieza)
Frieza: Huh? Shoot! (Dodges, but Kevin's sword cuts his tail off.)
Frieza: My tail! You cut off my tail! I'll make you pay!
Dave: Have a taste of this! (Throws a naked picture of Queen Beryl (Author's Note: NOT RESPONSBILE!) in front of Frieza.)
Kevin/Lark: HUH?!
Frieza: Oh, thank you. It will bring back the few good memories of my good times at the Gold Saucer. (Bends over to pick it up but hears a ripping sound.) Oh s**t! (Covers his rear end)
Dave (Holding a torn sheet): (Smirks)
Kevin: Looks like horn boy needs to lose some weight.
Frieza: (Is trying to see the tear.)
Lark: Here, let me take a look.
Frieza: Oh, thank you.
Lark: (Thinks) This is too easy. (Speaks) Looks like your problem's right... (Shoves his sword up Frieza's @$$) HERE!
Frieza: Oh, my @$$! My f**kin' @$$! I'm not going to let you destroy my reputation!
Dave: How about this? (Pulls out... a rubber ducky?!)
Kevin/Lark: (Look at each other with very questioning faces.)
Frieza: Oh wow! Let me see it! (Runs up and tries to grab it.)
Dave: (Holds the duck high in the air.)
Frieza: No fair! No fair! (Jumps and tries to grab it) Let me have it, you big bully!
Dave: You heard him guys, let him have it!
Kevin: DEATH ROW!!! (Hits Frieza)
Lark: INFINITY STRIKE!!! (Hits Frieza)
Frieza: This wouldn't have happened if I weren't so short! (Dies)
Dave/Lark/Kevin: Or such an @$$hole!
Kevin: Time for a victory celebration.
Lark: Agreed! (They head for Sector 6)
Dave: (Sweat drops)
(At Villains Inc.)
A-Ko: They failed! Lost to people who can't even find their way around Midgar! (Pounds the table and breaks it)
Pikachu: Pika?
Beryl: I never really like Frieza, anyway, I was just bored back then. And that damn tail always got in the way!
Bob/Jadeite: (Think) Maybe now I have a chance.
Dr. Evil: (Walks in) Excuse me, but does anyone have any mustard?
Everyone: (Looks at Dr. Evil) Huh?
Dr. Evil: Um... I mean, I have a plan.
Yuffie: I'm sick of planning!
Dr. Evil: Your opinion doesn't matter. Anyway, we must beat them on our own turf. Grahf and Frieza just demonstrated that we can't win if we attack them.
Ramza: But, I'm going to do my best to wedgie them to death!
Dr. Evil: That's not what I had in mind. We will use their strategy and split into two groups. With this, we can get them separated and work into destroying them.
A-Ko: I don't care what we do as long as I can take care of Dav and that b***h wife of his, personally!
Dr. Evil: I have an idea for what you can do for your plan and have a suggestion for you. Follow me. (Leaves the room)
A-Ko: All right. (Stands up and follows him into a basement room)
Dr. Evil: If you wish to get as much revenge as possible, it would be best not to kill either one of them. But to insure the one thing that Dav dreads most. But should you kill his wife, he could remarry. This device will help you tremendously.
A-Ko: I get it, I understand what has to be done.
(On the Highwind)
Crewman: (To the pilot) So when are we going to arrive?
Pilot: We're there now. (Turns on the intercom) Captain! We've reached-
Crewman: Mideel!
Cid: %#^*@$^*$%^&(#%^&$^%^()#&%*$&*@$^($&#%(#$^&$^&*@$%&#%^*!!!!!!! (Runs in, grabs the pilot, carries him out to the deck, and throws him off.)
Pilot: AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa.... (Splats and makes a very funny "squish" sound)
Crewman: Heh heh heh.
Cid: (Sees his mistake) Well, f**k me. We ARE at the right place. (Goes back to the bridge and lands the ship)
Red XIII: (Dripping with sarcasm) Now for the fun part, getting everyone out here. But it shouldn't be too bad this time.
Cait Sith: All right, let's go get 'em. (Opens a door) Hey Vegeta, we've- AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Vegeta: You idiot! Can't you see we're busy?!
Aeris: You didn't lock the door, AGAIN?!
Cait Sith: B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-but you two were playing Duck Hunt!
Aeris: Cait, you moron! All of us are wise to your bugs and took precautions!
Cait Sith: Then that means... (Hears Red and Barret scream from the other rooms. He leaves to meet 'em.)
Barret: You damn cat! I'm gonna wring your scrawny neck!
Red XIII: What about Minako and Cait's Friend? You get to get 'em!
Cait Sith: (Sighs) I suppose I should. (Walks into the chocobo stable) Hey guys! Look at this! (Starts laughing)
Red/Barret: (Walk in and also start laughing)
Cait's Friend: (Is all tangled up with Minako)
Minako: It's not funny! He got this way trying to get me out of this!
Barret: Well, you foos' getta get outta there on your own.
(Everyone eventually gets ready and they enter Cosmo Canyon, leaving Minako and Cait's Friend still trapped)
Guy at the gate (Drunk off his @$$): Oh, Nanaki, you've become shree pershons and brought every set of shriplets on the Planet to shtudy.
Red XIII: Uh... no... I came to see Grandpa about the new threat that's been brewing.
Guy: Brewing? Shat reminds me, I musht shee Hilda about shat new brew of hersh. (Takes a step, falls down the stairs, and gets stepped on by an Iron Golem)
Red XIII: He always did have a drinking problem.
Cait's Friend (From the Highwind): Tequila man!
(They go to see Bugenhagen, or the computer with Bugenhagen's mind programmed into it)
Bugenhagen: Ho ho ho! Nanaki, you look like hell! But thank goodness you're here!
Red XIII: What's wrong?
Bugenhagen: Two things: The first is you forgot to shut me down the last time you were here! I could've crashed like Windows '98!
Red XIII: Sor-ry, what else?
Bugenhagen: Do you guys still have the Eurocentric Materia? Your cousin, Rojo Dieciseis, brought over his friend from France to meet me and left him here!
Cloud: Oh f**k! You mean there's ANOTHER foreign Red?
A voice: Bonjour, mes amis! (Another Red look-alike enters, but has 19 tattooed on him)
Cid: He did call us @$$holes!
Ami: No, no! He said "Hello, my friends."
Cait Sith: You can speak French, Ami?
Ami: It's one of the things I study.
Dav: Go ahead and talk to him then, and tell him to get lost!
Ami: (Clears her throat) Bonjour, je m'appelle Ami. Qu'est-ce qu'est votre prènom?
The creature: Je m'appelle Rouge Dix-neuf. J'aime beaucoup vos cheveux bleus.
Ami: (Blushes) Merci. Pourqui est-ce que vous êtes ici?
Rouge: Je visite Monseur Bugenhagen. Mais maintentant, j'ai envie de toi. (Walks up to Ami and starts sniffing up her shorts.)
Tifa: What the hell are you trying to do?!
Rouge: Je ne sais pas que tu parles. (Moves over to Tifa, sniffs up her skirt, and turns to Aeris.)
Aeris: Please don't do that. (Backs away)
Rouge: (Advances)
Dav: All right, enough! (Picks Rouge up by the hair) Cloud, Vegeta, you may want to give me a hand here. (Carries Rouge into the next room)
Cloud/Vegeta: (Follow and close the door behind him)
Bugenhagen: Ho ho ho! Anyway, why did you all come here?
Aeris: We need to know if you can help us find a secret organization that's targeted us.
Bugenhagen: Ho ho ho! All I need is to network myself to another terminal and I'll be able to junction with the memory and perform a worldwide search.
Cait Sith: No way in hell that old fart's going to see my memories!
Red XIII: How about the device that opens the Cave of the Gi?
Tifa: You idiot! That was a laser!
Red XIII: But there's a terminal the controls it. Let's try that one.
(Suddenly, everyone hears a window shattering scream as Dav, Cloud, and Vegeta return.)
Cloud: There, he won't bother any married women anymore.
Aeris: What did you guys do?
Vegeta: Cloud and I held him down while Dav chopped off his wee-wee.
Cid: NO! NOT THAT!!!
Dav/Cloud/Vegeta: YES! THAT!
Cid: (Looks into the next room and sees Rouge Dix-neuf sitting in the corner, crying) Damn, Sam! The only fate worse than death!
Barret: How'd you know, redneck?! You've nevah done it wit no one!
Cid: #$^$%&@$%&@$%*#%^&#%*@$^&%&*#% MONKEY!!!
Aeris: Enough, you guys, let's take Bugenhagen down to the terminal.
(A few minutes later, everything is set up.)
Bugenhagen: Make sure no one gets into the cave, I might accidentally open the door.
Vincent: Yeah, yeah, yeah, get on with it.
Bugenhagen: (Connects himself to the Internet and searches the world for Villains Inc.) I found it!
Aeris: Good job, where is it?
Bugenhagen: You mean you wanted to know where it is? I was only able to bring up some info.
Vegeta: You damn box! Stop trying to be funny! (Picks up Bugenhagen and shakes him around.)
Bugenhagen: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! (Several exploding noises are heard) Cannot compute... Cannot compute... Cannot compute... (Activates the door to the cave.)
Kid: All right! I finally get to see what's in there! (Runs through the door.) AAAAAA!!!! (Falls down through the holes, gets attacked by the ghosts, slips on the gold fluid and hits the spikes, gets caught in a Stinger's web, eaten and spit out by the Stinger, and lands in the lava.)
Red XIII: I never liked him. But what're we going to do? Vegeta broke my grandpa!
Dav: Their base is in the mountains southwest of Midgar!
Everyone: (Looks at Dav and Ami, who are looking at something)
Cloud: How'd you find that out!
Dav: While you clowns were wasting you time with that 115 year-old piece of junk, my blue angel (draws Ami close to him) was able to locate the base with her computer. (Gives her a kiss) Good job, Ami-chan.
Ami: (Blushes again) Oh Dav, not here.
Cid: Since when does she have a computer?!
Ami: I've always had it. (Shows it to Cid)
Cid: Sweet damn! Let me see!
Ami: Well... okay, but please be careful with it. (Hands him the computer)
Cid: (Drops it and breaks it) Oops...
Ami: That's all right. (Fixes it)
Cid: (Takes the computer and breaks it.)
Ami: (Picks it up and fixes it.)
Cid: (Takes the computer and breaks it.)
Ami: (Picks it up and fixes it.)
Cid: (Takes the computer and breaks it.)
Ami: (Picks it up and fixes it.)
Cid: (Takes the computer and breaks it.)
Ami: (Picks it up and fixes it.)
Cid: (Takes the computer and breaks it.)
Ami: (Picks it up and fixes it.)
Everyone: NOT AGAIN!
Vincent: This is the third time...
(Flashback 1)
Cid:(Walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
Cid:(Walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
Cid:(Walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
Cid:(Walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
Cid:(Walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
Cid:(Walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
Cid:(Walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
Cid:(Walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
(Flashback 2)
Cid: (Takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: (Takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: (Takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: (Takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: (Takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: (Takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: (Takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
Cid: (Takes the ocarina and smashes it)
Zelda: Stop that! (fixes the ocarina)
(Back to reality)
Cid: (Takes the computer and breaks it.)
Ami: (Picks it up and fixes it.)
Cid: (Takes the computer and breaks it.)
Ami: (Picks it up and fixes it.)
Cid: (Takes the computer and breaks it.)
Ami: LEAVE MY COMPUTER ALONE YOU $%&@$%&#$%^&*$^*)$&#^&(@%^(#%^&*#%^*(#%^(#^&#%^(#$^&@^*($^@$*$&*@$&$%&*@$^&$&*@$^(#&%^($^*@$@%(#%^*@$^*#^*@$^(*#^*&@$^*#^&@^*#$^&*#%*@$^*#%^*@$^*#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Kicks Cid in the nuts and shoves his spear up his @$$)
Everyone: (Stares in ABSOLUTE shock)
Cait Sith: D-d-damn, I never expected Ami to pull a Cid.
Dav: (Thinks) And she wants ME to stop cussing.
Ami: (Calms down) Well then, now that we know where they are, let's go stop them. Come on, Dav! (She grabs his hand and takes him out.)
Everyone else (Still in shock): (Follows)
(Again at Villains Inc.)
Dr. Evil: Our plan of attack has been set forth; they will soon figure out where our base is and will definitely attack first. Through our traps, we will separate them into two groups. In order for A-Ko to get her revenge, we will separate Dav, Ami, and their friend, Minako. Queen Beryl and Jadeite will back her up.
Jadeite: (Thinks) Oh yes! Another chance with Queen Beryl!
Dr. Evil: Everyone else will attack the rest. I will remain in the control room to provide further instructions if they are needed. If you use good judgment, you will win.
Ramza: I will wedgie them all!
Yuffie: As payback for my first campaign, I get to make Cait Sith-kabobs! (Swings her Conformer around and accidentally pokes Ramza in the eye.)
Ramza: AUGH! I'm blind! I'm blind!
Yuffie: Don't be such a baby!
Bob: My porno mags and secret weapon are ready! I'll fulfill daddy's last request and kill Cloud!
Ramza: (Wandering around, holding his eye) I thought that Sephiroth's dying request was for a "Restore" materia.
Bob: What do you know? You weren't in FF7!
A-Ko: We don't have anymore time to argue! Doc, is the device ready?
Dr. Evil: It's all set.
A-Ko: YES!!! (Throws her arms up in excitement and whacks Ramza in the face)
Ramza: Ah! My doze! You broke my doze!
Pikachu: Pika! (Creates a small spark, but farts, causing it to power up and hit Ramza)
Ramza: AaAaAaAcCcCcCcCcCcKkKkKkKk!!!!!
Dr. Evil: Let us finish our preparations separately, then we'll kill him.
Ramza: Huh? What'd you say?
(Meanwhile, the Highwind lands outside the base)
Barret: Awright! We gonna rock!
Tifa: May I remind you that we're here... to... damn! We don't have another reason!
Cloud: All right, everyone! Let's move out!
Cid: Damn! Again! That's getting too f**king old! Be more original, for God's sake!
Cloud: (Just sweat drops)
Ami: Besides, you shouldn't rush, Cloud, wait for the others to get back.
Red XIII: When they do, are we going to split up, or actually go in one group?
Cait Sith: All traditions are eventually broken, let's go all at once!
Minako: Wait for us! (She and Cait's Friend run up to the group)
Aeris: So you finally managed to get free?
Minako: Yeah, Cait's Friend chewed our way out.
Cait's Friend: (Is missing a couple of teeth) Tequila man!
Minako: What are we waiting for? Let's go!
Tifa: Not until Vincent, Vegeta, and Dav get back from scouting for guards.
Cid: They'd better be quick! I've only got two packs left!
Vegeta: (Suddenly appears in front of Cid) Was this fast enough?!
Cid: S**t! (Notices something) Oh f**k, I shoulda held onto my drawer cause I just pissed!
Barret: Whahahahahahaha!!! Dukes freak peed his pants! Whahahahah- (An ice cold hand grabs his shoulder from behind) AAAHHH!!! Oh s**t, I took a s**t!
Vincent: Never be relaxed before a battle.
Aeris: Well, we can put those Depends to good use.
Vegeta: Don't forget to save some for Bob Dole.
Ami: What did you guys find out?
Vegeta: There were some guards, but the ones I ran into are taking a one-way trip to the sun right now.
Vincent: I ran into some as well, and gave them a nice surprise.
Cloud: NO?!
Vincent: Yes, I gave them some tarts from my new recipe.
Ami: Well, now we don't have to worry about guards. Now, where's Dav?
(A guards body flying past the group answers her question)
Dav: (Walks out from behind a rock) Sorry Vince, that one got wise after his partner died.
(After a change of pants for Cid and Barret)
Minako: So are we ready?! Good! VENUS STAR POWER! MAKE-UP!!! (Transforms into Sailor Venus)
Cait's Friend: V-BABE!!! (Starts drooling)
Vegeta: Oh yeah, seeing her transformed gets Tequila-freak into overdrive.
Vincent: Well, she is nude when she does transform.
Red XIII: Somebody shoot him.
Cait Sith: Not yet, we may need him to fight.
Sailor Venus: So what're you waiting for, Ami-chan? Transform.
Ami: I'm going to wait until we actually start fighting. That way, most of them won't know about my true powers until it's too late.
Cloud: Okay! We're going in!
Cid: Damn! He actually came up with a non-sissy comment on his own!
(They all enter the base)
(In the control room)
Dr. Evil: Attention all villains! AVALANCHE has entered the base! And- (Notices Cait) Mr. Wigglesworth changed again and joined them! Is everyone ready?
A-Ko's voice: Ready!
Beryl's voice: We are prepared.
Ramza's voice: Where am I?
Yuffie's voice: Where are those voices coming from?! Get them out of my head!
Pikachu's voice: Pika! Chu?
Bob's voice: You're using big words!
Dr. Evil: Then we are completely ready! (Hits a few buttons and turns to a shadowy figure) You will join the battle should anyone lose? Correct?
Figure: Gyahahahahaha!!! (Farts)
(At the AVALANCHE group)
Cloud: This is too easy! We haven't run into any traps!
Dav: Don't get so cocky, there could be some anywhaaAAAHHHH!!! (A trap door opens and he falls through)
Cloud: That happens every time someone uses a line like that.
Ami: DAV!!! (Another trap door opens under her and Sailor Venus)
Sailor Venus: (Falling) Why meeeeeeeeeee?!
Cait's Friend: V-BABE!!! (Realizes that another one won't open for him) TEQUILA!!!
Tifa: We've gotta go after 'em! (The trap doors close and seal themselves)
Barret: I pity da foo' who uses sealing waxed trap doors!
Vincent: We've got to keep going, those three can take care of themselves.
Vegeta: He's right, the sooner we move on then the sooner we'll be out of here. Besides, I sense a convergence of power dead ahead.
Cid: What the hell are you waiting for then? (Starts walking but Vegeta trips him) #$^$%&@$%&#$!!!
(Everyone continues down the large hallway until they reach a very big, but dimly lit room)
Cait Sith: What in the sam hell?
(The lights turn on, revealing the club members)
Bob: (Waves) Hi everybody! We're here to kill you!
Zoicite: Ahahahaha! You can't defeat us!
Yuffie (Sucking her thumb): I never liked any of you!
Nephrite: The wrath of the stars is on you!
Ramza: (Is trying to undo a self-wedgie) Wait! I'm not ready!
Pikachu (Is facing the wrong way): Pika? (Turns around) PIK!
Kunzite: You'll never leave here alive!
(Meanwhile, Ami and Sailor Venus are sliding down some sort of tube)
Sailor Venus: So, Ami-chan, how ya doin'?
Ami: Just fine, and you?
Sailor Venus: I'm okay. What do you think is going on?
Ami: Maybe they're going to separate everyone and attack them one at a time.
Sailor Venus: Do you think Queen Beryl is going to fight us?
Ami: Most likely, we're her- (She suddenly gets sucked into another tube)
Sailor Venus: Well, that's just great! Now I'm alooooooooone!!! (Falls out of the tube and lands flat on her butt)
Sailor Venus: (Hears a noise below her) Hi, Dav, thanks for breaking my fall.
Author's note: OUCH!
Dav: Don't mention it, get off me! (Stands up and pushes her off) What happened, where's Ami-chan?
Sailor Venus: (Stands up and dusts herself off) She fell through the same door I did, but we were separated on the way down.
Dav: S**t! Where could she've gone?!
(A video monitor suddenly drops from the ceiling and turns on)
A-Ko: Why Dav? You never showed that much concern for me!
Dav: A-Ko?! Why can't you just leave us alone?!
A-Ko: I could never do that, it's my nature. But I'm going to release this anger soon, but not on your "wife", on you. Though I do have plans for her.
Dav: You touch her, and I'll personally kill you!
A-Ko: Oh, I'm not going to kill her. But I am going to make sure you come face-to-face with your worst fear, that you will be the last of your family line!
Dav: WHAT?!
A-Ko: To prove I'm not bluffing... (The camera pans over to a window where Dav and Venus see Ami strapped by her wrists and ankles to the corners of a table that's facing some sort of beam device.)
Dav: AMI-CHAN!
A-Ko: She can't hear you. I'm sure you've seen this situation in many James Bond films and that one Simpsons episode.
Hank Scorpio: (Appears next to A-Ko) you still owe me for buying that prop table. (Leaves)
A-Ko: This isn't a weapon of disintegration like most of them are. As you can see (The cannon fires a continuous laser that sloooooooowly starts to move its way to Ami) once this beam reaches her and hits the correct spot, she will become sterile forever!
Dav: (Eyes widen in fear as he sees Ami struggle to break the straps) B***h! Leave her alone! She's done nothing to you!
A-Ko: But I'm going to give you a sporting chance. (Panels on the floor light up) Follow this path and if you can reach her in time, then she'll still be able to have your kids and your lineage can continue. If not, then I guess you just don't love her as much as you claim. You have 10- wait, 9 minutes 23 seconds, ciao! (Shuts out)
Dav: We don't have any time to waste, come on, Venus!
Sailor Venus: Yeah, we won't let anything stop us!
(They sprint down the path, but after several yards...)
Beryl: (Warps in front of the two) Nothing?
Jadeite: You won't go any farther!
(In the control room)
Dr. Evil: (Sitting in his chair, watching the surveillance monitors, and eating his hot dogs) This is nice, they do all the work and I'll get all the credit. Truly a good day for the forces of Evil.
A voice: Sorry to disappoint you, baldy! But you get to work today!
Dr. Evil; What the dildo, who goes there?!
(Dave, Dave, Steel, and Spanky burst into the room)
Dr. Evil: Ah, gentlemen, I welcome you to Villains Inc.
Dave: So that's what this s**thole's called.
Steel: Villains Inc., haven't I heard of it before?
Spanky: I think you've used some of their restrooms.
Dave: (Slaps his forehead)
Dr. Evil: I must commend you for your arrival, plus your excellent taste in restrooms. But I'm afraid you won't go any further. (Pushes a button) Arise my robots of pure evil!
(Eight robots rise up through the floor)
Dr. Evil: I decided to go along with my favorite villain, Dr. Wily's, idea. Presenting... Donut Man!
Donut Man: Donuts! I got donuts!
Dr. Evil: Sap Man!
Sap Man: Who wants maple syrup? It's made outta me!
Dr. Evil: Milk Man!
Milk Man: Milk, it does a body good!
Dr. Evil: Girly Man!
Girly Man: If this fight messes up my hair, I quit!
Dr. Evil: Fejita man!
Gregory: I'm back, and with a Mexican vengeance! Plus, I like tacos!
Dave: Dear God! He's seeking revenge since I hardly use him in my fics!
Dr. Evil: I'm not finished yet. Hold your gasps of terror until the end. Mail Man!
Mail Man: "Sort this! Mail that!" I'll make 'em all pay!
Dr. Evil: Paper Man!
Paper Man: Actually, I'm still Paper Boy, but I'm going to be promoted soon.
Dr. Evil: That wasn't the line I gave you!
Paper Boy: Sorry... I'm gonna cut you!
Dr. Evil: And last, but not least, a spoof of everyone's favorite character, Bumblebee Man!
Bumblebee Man: Ay! Ay! Ay! ¿Porqué yo estoy aquí?
The good guys: (Look over the group and laugh their heads off)
Dr. Evil: We will do this the patented Evil Method, ATTACK!
Spanky: Who's going first?
Dave: I'll go, I have an idea.
(At Cloud's group)
Cloud: All right everyone! Split up and attack!
Cid: Damn! Again! Stop-
Vegeta/Barret: (Throw Cid in front of Yuffie)
Cid: Damn monkeys!
Aeris: How are the rest of us going to attack, we all can't do one-on-ones!
A voice: Don't worry, we're here to help! Gyaaa! (Trips and falls)
AVALANCHE: Oh no! Not-
Sailor Moon: (Appears with Mars and Jupiter) Yes, it is I! We are the Sailor Senshi, and in the name of The Moon, and everyone on this list... (pulls out a phone book for Rutherford, Ohio) starting with Aaronson, Aaron... (she reads through the entire book, putting everyone to sleep.)
(Three days later... just kidding)
Sailor Moon: (Throws the book away after two seconds, waking everyone up)... We will assist you!
Sailor Jupiter: We've got an old score to settle with these guys, so we'll join you on this one!
Sailor Mars: Plus, this was where I tracked those other two guys!
Tifa: Okay, we're ready! Cloud an' I'll go after Bob, the Porno Clown!
Bob: Hey... that's a nice title!
Barret: I'll take that dumb@$$, Ramza, I gotta idea for dat foo'!
Vegeta: I want that white-haired loser!
Aeris: I'm with Vegeta!
Red XIII: Same here!
Vincent: This may be my ultimate test, but...I will fight Yuffie along with Cid.
Cait Sith: Don't forget me!
Sailor Moon: All right, the Senshi and I will fight Nephrite and Zoicite! Hey... a three-way rhyme!
Sailor Mars: No s**t, Sherlock!
Sailor Moon: Why are you so mean to me?!
Sailor Jupiter: Shut up, already!
Tifa: All right, then! But, who'll fight the Freakachu?
Cait's Friend: Tequila man.
Pikachu: Pika?
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Pikachu: Pika! Chu!
Cait's Friend: TEQUILA MAN!!!
Pikachu: PIKACHU!!! (Starts charging)
Cait's Friend: TEQUILA OF DOOM, MAN!
(The wave of old, acidic tequila engulfs Pikachu and causes him to melt, but the electricity conducts along the tequila and electrocutes Cait's Friend)
Cait's Friend: Teeeqquiiillllaaaaa! (The picture of Venus that Dave took appears in his hands) V-Baaaaabeeee... (Dies with a smile on his face)
Cloud: That takes care of them, attack!
(Everyone splits up into their groups)
Bob: You can't beat me! (Puts on a cape with a nude pic of Britney Spears on both sides of the lining) I am Tuxedo Bob! The Son of Sephiroth!
Cloud: Sweet damn! Hey, Teef, she looks like you!
Tifa: No way in hell that silicon b***h looks anything like me!
Bob: Hahahahahaha!!! I have found your weakness! (Pulls out a rolled up porno mag and hits Cloud on the head)
Cloud: Hey! (Suddenly sounds like Elvis) Now don't go touchin' the hair, man.
Tifa: Cloud! He's poisoned your mind! That does it! BEAT RUSH!!! SOMERSAULT!!! WATERKICK!!! METEODRIVE!!! DOLPHIN BLOW!!! METEOR STRIKE!!! FINAL HEAVEN!!! (Runs up to Bob but collapses due to lack of breath)
Cloud: Ah! Tifa! (Turns to Bob) You rotten bastard! OMNI-SLASH!!! (Tears Bob apart)
Bob: Porn will live forever! (Dies)
Tifa: (Gets her breath back) Good job, Cloud! We're gonna have a nice celebration tonight!
Cloud: Hell ya'!
Ramza: (Fighting Barret) Prepare for the wedgie of your life!
Barret: Shut the f**k up, foo'! (Gives Ramza a wedgie and rips his Teletubby underwear out)
Ramza: Oh no! You mean person! You're gonna live to regret this! (Charges Barret)
Barret: Hey, foo'! Isn't dat Delita?
Ramza: (Stops) Huh? Delita you coward! Come back here! I will not disgrace my family!
Barret: Dumb@$$ foo'! (Whacks Ramza on the head wit' his gun-arm)
Ramza: (Gets knocked unconscious)
Barret: Death is too good for dis dips**t. (Stuffs Ramza into a box, addresses it to "Princess Ruto, Zora's Domain, Hyrule," loads it into his gun, and fires it into a passing mail plane)
Kunzite: (Against Vegeta, Aeris, and Red) You cannot possibly match my power! (Fires an energy blast at the group)
Vegeta: (Blocks it easily) What pitiful attempt is this? (Fires a counter-flare along the blast)
Kunzite: (Gets hit by the flare) AAAAAAHHHHH!!! (His hair is burned away except for a small part that becomes a permanent cow-lick)
Aeris/Vegeta/Red: (Start laughing their heads off)
Kunzite: My hair! And I was going to enter the Sephiroth look-like contest next month! Why you... (Creates his pink boomerangs)
Aeris/Vegeta/Red: PINK? WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Kunzite: DIE! (Throws 'em)
Red XIII: (Puts on a coach's hat) Batter's up, Aeris!
Aeris: Yes, boss! (Pulls out the Princess Guard and whacks both of them back)
Kunzite: Oh s**t! (One sticks in his chest while the other gets his area) I'm... losing strength! And I have nothing to use for a dramatic ending speech this time! (Dies)
Yuffie: (Fighting Cid, Vincent, and Cait) Vinny! You traitor! I'm never speaking to you again! (Throws the Conformer)
Vincent: Tough s**t. (Blows it to pieces)
Yuffie: What?! (Starts jumping up and down) You can't do that! (The jumping causes her shorts to fall down)
Author's note: You know what goes here.
Cid/Cait/Vince: Oh s**t! (Puke all over Yuffie)
Yuffie: That's so mean of you guys! (Starts crying)
Cid: Shut up already, b***h!
Cait Sith: Maybe this'll help. (Sticks a metal bucket over her head) Whack the piñata, Cid!
Cid: (Whacks the bucket several times)
Yuffie (Head nearly ready to explode): (Manages to throw the bucket off) I-I-I-I-I-I-I h-h-h-h-hate y-y-y-y-y-you a-a-a-a-all!
Cait Sith: Too f**kin' bad! (Puts Yuffie in a straight jacket and throws her into a cage) I know someone who'll enjoy this.
Zoicite: (Taking on the three Senshi with Nephrite) Time to finish what I started! ZOI!!! (Fires a blast of flower petals)
Sailor Mars: (Dripping with sarcasm) Oh, I'm dying! FIRE SOUL!!! (Burns Zoicite's shirt off)
Zoicite: Dammit! Not again! I can't afford another one!
Moon/Mars/Jupiter: Zoicite's really a man?! GROSS!!! (Puke all over Zoicite)
Zoicite: AUGH!!!
Sailor Jupiter: I've wanted to do this for a long time! SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE!!!
Zoicite: (Gets burned to ashes)
Nephrite: I never liked him!
Sailor Moon: Nephrite! If you don't reconsider you r ways, I will have no choice but to defeat you!
Nephrite: Too bad!
Sailor Moon: Fine then, time to try out my new power! MOON SPIRAL HEART ATTACK!!! (She spins around to power it up, gets dizzy, falls over and gets wrapped up by the spirals) Ooo... lots of popsicles dancing around my head!
Sailor Jupiter: SAILOR MOON!!!
Sailor Mars: (Face vaults) This attack'll take some getting used to.
Nephrite: You haven't changed a bit, Sailor Moon. Now you'll taste the power of the stars!
(Begins to power up a blast, but a rose comes flying down and stops it) YOU!!!
Tuxedo Kamen: Shame on you, Nephrite, hitting a girl when she's down! You will be punished by my hand! (Reaches for a rose, but sees that he's out) Oh, poopy, I shall have to use my backup. (Pulls out a dandelion and blows it into Nephrite's face)
Mars/Jupiter: (Stare at him wide-eyed)
Nephrite: (Starts sneezing) You idiot! I'm allergic to these things!
Tuxedo Kamen: Now, Sailor Moon!
Sailor Moon (Recovered): Okay! Time to try this again! MOON SPIRAL HEART ATTACK!!! (Hits Nephrite with it)
Nephrite: Lovely! (Dies)
Author's note: In case you haven't seen the Japanese Sailormoon S yet, every monster who's hit by the MSHA says "Lovely" when they die.
Barret: Sweet damn! We won!
Everyone: (Does his/her victory dance)
A voice: You can't celebrate just yet!
Cloud: Holy s**t!
Aeris: It can't be!
Voice: Gyahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... (Breathes) hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
(Back at Dav's group)
Sailor Venus: Who the hell are you?!
Jadeite: I am the first and greatest of Queen Beryl's generals, Jadeite!
Beryl: (Coughs)
Dav: I don't have time for this! (Kicks Jadeite in the nuts) She's yours, Venus! (Moves on down the path)
Sailor Venus: This shouldn't be too hard.
Beryl: You impudent little wench! I'll destroy you first and take care of your friends later!
Sailor Venus: Oh please... You talk big, but you're pretty pathetic. I know how you beaten with a single rose.
Beryl: You dare make fun of me?! DIE!!! (Powers up and fires several blasts, every one completely missing)
Sailor Venus: (Yawns) Dav might need my help. VENUS CRESCENT BEAM SMASH!!! (Blows Queen Beryl away)
Jadeite (With a high pitched voice): My queen?! You'll pay dearly... for this!
Sailor Venus: Shut up! (Kicks him in the nuts and heads off the find Dav, but the lighted path disappears) Oh damn!
(Speaking of him)
Dav: (Thinking) Hang on, Ami-chan. I won't let our future be destroyed! (Turns a corner to A-Ko standing in front of a giant, steel door)
A-Ko: What took you so long? She's right behind here, but you've got to get through me, first. You've only got 5 minutes left.
Dav: I don't want to fight you. You'll find someone else, but please, you have to let go of our relationship first!
A-Ko: You don't really mean that! You won't fight me since you'll know you'll lose! (Charges him)
Dav: Dodges and hits the back of her knees, causing her to fall)
A-Ko: (Immediately gets up and punches him in the stomach)
Dav: (Gets thrown back against the wall)
A-Ko: Ha! Apparently you're still not strong enough to defend that girl.
Dav: (Slowly gets up) You forget... I have something worth fighting for.
A-Ko: What could you possibly have seen in her? She's boring, does nothing but study all the time, and she has BLUE hair for God's sake!
Dav: It just so happens that blue is my favorite color. X-BRAVER!!! (He throws her into the air with the Atma Weapon, jumps up, and kicks her back down)
A-Ko: (Gets up again) All right! I was going to be light on you! But no more Ms. Nice Guy! (Kicks Dav in the chest, picks him up by the ankle, swings him around and throws him against another door, causing it to dent.)
Dav: (Is barely moving) Ami-chan... I'm sorry...
A-Ko: Now to finish the job! (Moves in for the kill)
A voice: STOP!!!
A-Ko: It's you...?
(The source of the voice is...)
(At Dave's group)
Dr. Evil: Girly Man, you go first!
Girly Man: I'm not ready for this, my mascara's running!
Dave: You're a disgrace to all the girly men I've seen everywhere!
Girly Man: How dare you! But I don't care as long as you leave my hair alone.
Dave: Fine then. (Rips out some of his hair)
Girly Man: (Screams until his head explodes)
Dr. Evil: Oh, shucky darn. Mail Man, you're up!
Dave: This one's mine!
Mail Man: Special Delivery! (Pulls out an uzi)
Dave: Puh-leez, this is a Return to Sender package. (Pulls out his rifle and blows Mail Man's head off)
Dr. Evil: Bumblebee Man, it's your turn! Make Evil proud!
Bumblebee Man: Ay ay ay! No es bueno!
Homer: (Appears) Bwahahahahaha! I'm no college grad student, but that's funny!
Steel: I've got an idea. Hey, Homer! Look, food!
Homer: Mmm... donuts... and fejitas!
Donut Man/Gregory: Oh s**t! (Run away)
Homer: (Catches them and eats 'em) Uh oh, I need something to wash 'em down. (Notices Milk Man) Ooo...
Milk Man: Ack! Not me! (Activates his self-destruct and blows up)
Homer: D'oh! Guess I'd better go back to Moe's.
Spanky: Now for this guy! (Picks Bumblebee Man up by his stinger, swings him around, and throws him in to the wall)
Bumblebee Man: ¿Dondé está mi tequila? (Blows up)
The ghost of Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Dr. Evil: Oh, damn. The two of you, get them together!
Sap Man: Yes, sir! (Charges the group but trips and gets stuck to Paper Boy)
Paper Boy: You bastard, get offa me!
Steel: A sticky situation. (Planes falling in the background sound effect is heard) Oh well... FLARE! (Casts it on 'em)
Paper Boy/Sap Man: (Blow up)
Dave: All right, Dr. Evil! You're next!
Dr. Evil: You forget, (Hits a button and his chair falls through the floor) I always get away! I'll be back after I finish my lunch.
(An escape pod shoots out of the base)
Spanky: F**k! He got away!
Dave: No, he won't.
(They watch as the pod travels 10 feet, loses its power, and rolls down the mountain towards Junon Crater)
Dr. Evil: At least I'm going to land in water!
(Two inches from the water, the pod suddenly blows up)
Spanky: HA! We won!
Everyone: Does his victory dance.
Steel: There's one more thing that I have to take care of. (Leaves)
(Returning to Dav and A-Ko)
Voice: I said, leave him alone!
A-Ko (In shock): But how?!
Sailor Mercury: (Steps out) I was able to think my way out of your little trap before there were 4 minutes remaining.
Dav: Heh... that long? I should've told you... A-Ko, her IQ is... 300.
A-Ko: No way! But I can still kill you! (Charges Sailor Mercury)
Sailor Mercury: (Sidesteps and trips her) It's never a good idea to underestimate your enemy.
A-Ko: (Gets up) Die! (Charges her again)
Sailor Mercury: SHABON SPRAY!!! (Creates the fog)
A-Ko: (Gets lost) B***h! Where'd you go? (Gets kicked from behind) AAAA!!!
Sailor Mercury: SHINE AQUA ILLUSION!!! (Blasts A-Ko against the wall) I don't want to hurt you, but I must return what Dav is ding to protect me. So please, leave us in peace.
Dav: A-Ko... stop living this life of jealousy... move on and find someone else.
A-Ko: (Gets up) You don't understand! My powers were what mostly kept me from ever finding love! Dav was the first one to overlook that! But he lost interest and left me! I guess I'll never find out what it's like to be in your position. (Pulls out a dagger and holds it to her heart)
Dav: Stop!
Sailor Mercury: Don't give up like this!
A-Ko: Good bye, Dav.
A voice: WAIT!!!
A-Ko: Huh?
Steel: (Runs into the hall) I wanted to ask you something.
A-Ko: Go ahead.
Steel: Uh... would you like to go out with me?
A-Ko: (Eyes light up) REALLY?! (Drops the dagger, grabs Steel's wrist, and runs out, nearly missing running down Sailor Venus on the way)
Sailor Venus: Well, that was weird. You guys okay?
Sailor Mercury: I'm perfectly okay, but poor Dav.
Dav: I've had worse... I was in the hospital for a month after she knocked me through that one whole building. Ami-chan, take the "Restore" materia from my armlet and use it on me.
Sailor Mercury: Sure. (She's about to cat Cure3 when a blast shoots by her) Huh?
Jadeite: Tough s**t! You're not going to do anything! Tetis, come and help me destroy the Sailor Senshi once and for all!
Tetis: (Appears) Yes, Jadeite, I know we'll do a nice job together.
Jadeite: Shut up and attack!
Tetis: (Creates giant columns of water and aims them at the group)
Sailor Venus: Mercury! Do something!
Sailor Mercury: I don't have enough time!
Tetis: So long, Sailor brats!
(The water is suddenly turned back and it hits Tetis head on)
Tetis: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! (Gets crushed)
Sailor Venus: Who did that?
A voice: I did.
Mercury/Venus: (Turn around to see Dav standing in blue body armor)
Dav: I never thought that Dyne'd use me in my Anime self for this.
Sailor Venus: You became Guardian Mercury!
Jadeite: So what! (Prepares to fire a blast)
Dav: ICE BARRAGE!!! (Huge chunks of hail hit Jadeite)
Jadeite: MOMMY!!! (Dies)
Dav: (Reverts to his usual RPG fic self) Damn, that was cool!
Sailor Mercury: Hey! No cussing! (Elbows him in the stomach again)
Dav: Sorry...
(The three do their victory dances)
Dav: What happened to you?
Sailor Mercury: After we were separated in the chute, I was hit by a mild sleeping gas and awoke just a minute later with A-Ko standing over me and I'd already been set up. She explained her plans and then left.
Sailor Venus: How did you escape.
Sailor Mercury: (Smiles) That's my secret.
Dav: Anyway, I'm glad you're all right. (Hugs her)
Sailor Mercury: Dav, this is unlike you. Tears?
Dav: (Sweat drops) Uh... no! Never! Not me!
Sailor Venus: Let's find the others and get out of here.
(Back at Cloud's group)
Figure: Gyahahahahahaha!!! I am here! The Return of Evector is finally eminent!
Vegeta: Not for long, dumb@$$! (Fires a blast at Evector)
Evector: Gyahahaha! (Farts and knocks it back to Vegeta)
Vegeta: Oh s**t! (Gets blown down the hall)
Aeris: VEGETA!!!
Evector: Who's next?! How about lameboy? (Farts at Tuxedo Kamen)
Tuxedo Kamen: (Tries to block with his cape but gets blown away)
Sailor Moon: Tuxedo Kamen!
Cid: That's just a b***h, ain't it?
Evector: Gyaha! You're up! (Farts at Cid)
Cid: No such luck! (Pulls Yuffie's cage in front of him)
Yuffie: Oh GAWD!!! (Gets covered with fart goo)
Red XIII: My turn! (Farts at Evector)
Evector: Ah ha! Time for a fart-off! (Farts and holds Red's blast at bay)
(Several minutes later, everyone has gask masks on and can still barely breathe)
Evector: I tire of this. ULTIMA FART!!!
Red XIII: ULTRA FARTICATOR!!! (Counters the Ultima Fart and sends both powers up Evector's @$$)
Evector: Oh... fart... (Gets pumped full of enough gas to make him explode in a green cloud)
Tifa: Red! You did it!
Red XIII: (Sniffing his @$$) No s**t, Sherlock!
(Dave's group enters)
Dave: Oh f**k! Should I call Rehab and have them bring in their supply of air freshener?!
Dave: Nah, we're leaving anyway and- OH CRAP!!!
Sailor Mars: There you are!
Sailor Jupiter: You're not getting away this time!
Dave/Dave: S**t! Not again! (Run like hell)
Mars/Jupiter: (Chase 'em again)
Spanky: Don't that just beat all.
Cloud: Now that that's all over, we can take care of the leader!
Spanky: We already did.
(Dav's group enters)
Ami: All of Villains Inc. has been destroyed.
Sailor Moon: Hey, you're all right!
Yuffie: Not all of us are gone!
Dav: YOU!!! (Opens the cage and punches Yuffie in the face) That was for being such a b***h! (Bashes her face into the bars over and over) That was for taking control of my wife that one time! And... JUSTICE SLASH!!! (Kills Yuffie) that was for sucking so much on Ehrgeiz!
Vegeta: (Arrives back in the room) Well then, if we're done, then let's get the hell outta here!
Tuxedo Kamen (Covered with fart goop): You all have fought valiantly, farewell. (Starts to walk away, steps on his cape, trips, slams his head against the wall, cracks it open, and dies)
Sailor Moon: Oh no! Tuxedo Kamen!
Barret: Whatta foo'!
Minako: That reminds me. Where's... where's Cait's Friend?
Cid: Ah, that tequila-freak's dead again!
Red XIII: Hallelujah!
Minako: HOW DARE YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE DEAD!!! (Pulls out her electric razor and shaves all of Red's hair)
Red XIII: ACK! I'M NAKED!!!
Everyone: Sick! (Puke all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: %&@%$&#%^$%^*#%&$^&%^(#^%#%^*)@$%)&@%^)&$%^&)@$*^)*@$%)&!%)&*@)%$%&)%*&)*&*$%)*&@)$%*^)@$%&*@)$%*&@$)%&*@$^%(&*(^&*^*&%&)@$*&&*)&*)$^*&@)$%*&)$%&*#$%*&@%(^*&@$)%&*)&*@$%)&#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Everyone piles into the Highwind)
Cid: Hasta la vista, dips**ts! (Presses the fire button)
Highwind: (Drops a huge bomb which obliterates the base)
(Everyone returns to Sector 7, where...)
Tifa: What the hell? Why is there a huge crowd in front of the bar?!
Vincent: I can see a sign up there, but can't make it out.
Vegeta: Let me check. (Flies up to the sign and shouts) "See the talking cats! 100 gil a ticket!"
Tifa: What?! Couldn't hear you!
Vegeta: (Comes back) Your bartender is charging money to hear those bald-spotted cats talk.
Minako/Usagi: WHAT?! LET ME SEE!!! (They push their way inside, everyone follows)
(Inside the bar)
Artemis (Wearing a bow tie): Hey Luna, I just flew in from Snake Way and boy are my paws tired!
King Kai: (In audience) Hey! That's not fair! He stole my bit!
Luna (Wearing a yellow ribbon): Then I guess that explains why you're always so sore.
King Kai: (Laughs his head off)
(A curtain falls over the cats)
Moe: That's it everyone, clear out! The next performance is in an hour!
Audience: (Leaves)
Moe: (Starts counting gil)
Minako: What the hell are you doing to my cats?!
Moe: Uh... hi.
Artemis: It was mine and Luna's idea. We wanted to get this place some extra money.
Usagi: Well not anymore! Luna is coming home with me and you're going with Minako!
Luna: NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!
Usagi: Too bad! (Grabs Luna and carries her out)
Cait Sith: Farewell, Luna, I hardly knew thee...
Minako: I'm staying here for a while, so you have nothing to worry about. Plus I have to hide out for a while until dad gets over me blowing up his surround sound system. I also have to revive Cait's Friend.
Artemis: (Sighs)
Tifa: And as for you, Moe!
Moe: Wait, I can explain!
Tifa: You know the secret about this place! What if someone from Shinra found out?!
Reno (Still drunk off his @$$): You mean shis place ish the AVALANCHE hideout? I musht tell Rufus! (Starts running out but falls over and dies from an overdose of alcohol)
Tifa: You're fired! (Kicks Moe out of the bar)
Moe: Oh well, I'll go back to Springfield.
Cloud: All right, everyone. Let's relax!
Cid: Damn! Again! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say-
Cloud/Dav/Vegeta/Barret: (Grab Cid)
Cid: Hey! What the f**k are you doing?!
Cloud/Dav/Vegeta/Barret: (Carry Cid outside and throw him into a pile of garbage)
Cid: ^%@$%&@#$%&$%^&#%^#%^*#%^($^&!!!!
The End? Yeah right!
(Epilogue)
(One week later, at the hideout)
Ami: Dav, you've been so tense lately, you should relax and take a vacation.
Dav: (Not listening and is playing cards against Artemis using Squall's deck) One of these days, I'll beat you.
Artemis: Not likely. (Places one to flip over most of 'em) HA!
Dav: Dammit!
Ami: (Sighs) I shouldn't have taught him how to play. What should I do with him?
Cloud: If you want him to relax, I just had a pool installed at the villa in Costa Del Sol.
Ami: Really? Thanks! (Runs upstairs and comes down less than a minute later with a full suitcase) Come on, Dav, we're going to Costa Del Sol so you can relax. It's time for something to go right for a change.
Dav: Hold on, soon as I beat him.
Ami: Okay then. I'll have to rub suntan oil on my own back. (Walks out)
Dav: HUH?! (Drops the cards and runs after her)
Ami: (Smiles to herself)
Artemis: Have fun, you two! (Looks at his deck) Hmm...I still remain undefeated.
Cloud: Not for long. (Sits down and pulls out his own deck) Open, Elemental, and Trade: One. That way you can't hit me with any combos.
Artemis: You're on!
(Late that night at Villa Cloud, Dav and Ami's swimsuits are lying at the edge of the pool)
Ami: Oh Dav, this is a completely new experience for me. And quite frankly, I'm loving every second of it.
Dav: I couldn't hear you, come a little closer and say it again.
Ami: All right. (She begins to swim towards him)
(Suddenly, a light from a helicopter shines over the two)
Ami/Dav: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Scarlet: (From the helicopter) Don't be alarmed! Ignore us and continue swimming naked!
Palmer: (From the helicopter) Pretty pretty please! Keep swimming naked!
Ami (Beet red): What are we going to do?
Scarlet: As head of the Shinra's Weapon Development, I order you to continue!
Dav: I thought something like this would happen. So I came prepared.
Palmer: C'mon! I love to see yummy yummy lard bounce!
Ami: Go ahead! Please!
Dav: (Reaches behind him and grabs a rocket launcher from the edge of the pool) HERE'S YOUR SATISFACTION!!! (Blows the tail end of the helicopter away)
Scarlet/Palmer: AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! (They crash in the ruins of the Gold Saucer and blow up)
Dav: (Throws the rocket launcher away) Now then, my blue angel, where were we?
Ami: Right here. (She swims up to him)
(They kiss, fall under the water... and the rest is history)
The Real End... for a while...
Next Installment: Wild Wild Sith
Uh... shoot... I can't think of a comment. Head back?