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MY STAND UP ROUTINE |
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Sweet Honey A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner wanting so badly to sell assured the buyer that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it. Finally, the landowner made a sure offer because he was sure of the friendliness of his bees. He said if the buyer would agree to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest, and if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought the offer over and decided it was worth the risk. He was tied, nude, to the tree. An hour later, the landowner returned and found the buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst he asked the buyer if he had been stung. The buyer looked up to him, and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that calf have a mother?"
One day a farmer in Louisiana was counting his money. He had done pretty well with the cotton crop that fall, so he decided to go to Texas and celebrate. He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, "Where's a good place to eat?" A man said, "Right down the road is a men's club." The farmer didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a workout room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, "Lady, bring me a steak and a beer." The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The farmer said, "I just wanted a beer, not the whole brewery!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas." Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge sizzling platter. He said, "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas." He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the restroom?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The farmer absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and with one step fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it!"
A guy goes into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, "Man, you look terrible. What's the problem?" The guy says, "I just caught my girlfriend in bed with my best friend." Bartender: "That's awful. What did you do?" Guy: "I threw her naked ass out onto the front lawn, threw her clothes out after her and told her that we were finished and I never wanted to see her again." Bartender: "Good for you - that was pretty tough. What did you do to your best friend?" Guy: "I shook my finger at him and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
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FARM BOYS 
Texas Size