Pepsi has just released their newest policy: they're testing every employee for traces of coke.

I tell you I don't know anymore these days. What's our world coming to? It's rough out there. And getting to heaven, well, that's really, really tough these days. Forgiveness is now an irreligious word. There is justice though, isn't there? Who it is that said there isn't justice in this world? Ah, there has got to be justice in this world. You remember Herbert? .... Yes, the guy who reclaimed his virginity after thirteen years on the rock concert tour. He turned celibate, just like that. No more acid. Nothing of the sort. Enough was enough. Yes, that Herbert!

He and Ernest had this deal. Whoever died first would make every effort to communicate with the other. Well, wont you know it, Herbert was first to depart. For many, many months after Herbert departed, Ernest fasted and kept his eyes and ears open for any sign that his friend had reached the other side. Finally, one night Ernest awoke from a deep sleep and heard a familiar voice calling, "Ernest! Ernest!"

"Herbert! Herbert is that you?"

"Yes," Herbert said. "It's me."

"Oh my God, you've done it. So what is it like?"

"It's not too bad. I'm in a comfortable, calm, dark place."

"Really, what do you do?"

"I enjoy a good sleep. When I awake I eat in beautiful green meadows. Then I have a little sex. Then I return to my dark comfort for some more rest. After a while I get hungry so I come out and eat again. Then I have a little sex. Then I go back and get some more sleep."

"Gee," said Ernest, "That's absolutely wonderful. Heaven is a pretty happening place."

"Heaven?" said Herbert. "Who's talking about heaven? I'm a rabbit in Altoona, Pa."

Oh, talking about second chances!

Navritolova is my bestest, bestest friend in all the world. Yes. She is. She really is. She even signed my yellow tennis ball. And I really, really, really like her. I like her so much, I have that tennis ball encased in glass. Yes! She is really a nice person you know. My bestest, bestest friend, and all. Down to earth, you know. Speaks her mind, and all. Never seen a bit of racism on the tennis tour. Oh, no. Now it's so cool to be out these days. Ain't that something? It's really cool. Mauresmo is winning, and my friend Navritolova, well she is back on the tour.

Talk about second chances. Isn't that pretty cool? I like second chances, don't you?

But whatever does it take these days to get into heaven? Do you know?. I'm checking this out for real.