The lover after me
By Karyn/Drama

I loved her. I really did. God, why do I always have to screw things up so badly when they finally start getting good? We had this one absolutely amazing night and I realized then how I felt. It was all so simple that night. But I realized what it all meant and it scared me out of my mind. My whole life flashed before my eyes when i realized the consequences of what we were doing. It was too dangerous, they'd try to separate us, use us against each other. Being together was a whole new weakness. One we couldn't afford. I was afraid for my life, but more so I was afraid for _her_ life.

I lay there in the dark, listening to her soft breathing and my mind worked like mad. What if...? What if...? I kept coming up with these frightening scenarios in my head. I couldn't stay. It would just get worse from here, I told myself.

I carefully untangled myself from her body and put on my clothes. The sun was starting to rise in the early morning and it glinted off her auburn locks, splayed on the pillow like the petals of a sunflower. I'll always remember that one little moment in time, like a photograph of love. Her lying on her stomach, clutching a pillow. She looked so peaceful, a slight smile on her lips, her cheeks flushed and her hair tousled from my hands. It took all my willpower not to run back to her at that very instant. I finished dressing and turned towards the door, not looking back. I had no other choice.

She called me four times that day.

"Mulder, it's me. We need to talk about what happened"

"Mulder, please just call me"

I sat there silently as I heard her plead to my answering machine. I had no choice. It became my mantra, the only reason I didn't turn right back into her arms. I went out running after the third call, to try and clear my head, but it just made it worse. Everything I passed had memories attached to it. Memories of her. I had no choice, I told myself again and again.

Monday morning was excruciating. She walked into the office pissed to say the least.

"Mulder, we're going to talk." It was a no-nonsense command. I really hated those.

'I'm sorry, Scully. It was a mistake. Let's just forget about it." I tried my best to keep my voice level, afraid of betraying my words.

"Why couldn't you have told me that before we…? God, Mulder, I can't believe you!"

"Look, I'm sorry, but it was a mistake, okay. Let's just get to work and-"

"That's it? Let's get to work? Pretend it never happened? It's not that easy, Mulder. Nothing's that easy, especially this. I though you of all people would know that. I guess I don't know you after all."

She put on her professional mask and shut me out all day. Barely a word was spoken unless she absolutely had to and she retracted every time I got close or touched her. it was like she tore my heart out of my chest and dissected it right before while I watched.

The next day, she turned in her resignation and my world fell apart. She hung up on when I called, ignored my messages and refused to make eye contact when we by chance passed in the hall. I was hurt, I was crushed and my very soul felt like it was being ripped out, so I did the sensible thing: I threw myself straight into someone else's arms.

Jenna was cute. Not too heavy in the brains department, but definitely cute, and she liked me quite a bit. Wasn't too bad in bed either, not that I really noticed. When we were together, all I could think of was Scully, her lips, not Jenna's, her hands, her body, her love. Jenna was just the vessel.

We had a good thing going, I guess, but Jenna finally figured out my heart could never be hers totally and left, not that I could blame her. I'm really good at screwing stuff up that way.

After Jenna, I gave up on finding a physical substitute and tried other things. For a while, I buried myself in the X files, shutting out the rest of the world, but the lack of sleep started to get to me eventually and Skinner made me take a day off to rest. That's when I started dreaming about her. Dreams that scared me not because they were terrifying, but because what I dreamed was what I wanted, and I couldn't have that. So many nights I woke up and had to take a cold shower, afraid of what I wanted to have.

My life became a mess without Scully there to ground me. My apartment became even more of a dump, my reports were consistently unfounded and unorganized, and I was late to practically everything.

One day, I went out running and I guess I has a sort of epiphany. I'm in love and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. It all got clear from there. I went straight home and cleaned up my apartment, cleaned myself up and got into my car.. I drove mindlessly, going a way I'd driven a thousand times before. I parked an got into the elevator, confident and ready to grovel for her forgiveness. The doors opened and I walked up to her front door. I hesitated for just a moment and that's when I heard it.

"Mmmmmm…Drew…Ohhh…" She laughed and it sounded like bells and my life collapsed before my eyes.

You idiot!! My mind screamed at me. How could you just assume she'd waited for you? After what you did to her you thought she'd be holding out for you to come crawling back I to her doorstep? I slammed my fist into the elevator wall. It was all my fault, for being such a jerk, for blowing off a good thing, but mostly for waiting seven months to figure out how stupid I was. It was too late for me.

Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same.
It's just everywhere I go,
The buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world
That didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
Funny, I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you, I'm always twenty minutes late

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

"The Lover After Me"
Savage Garden
Music and lyrics by Darren Hayes and Daniel Jones

fin part 1