"What would an answering machine say for the assorted characters of the X-Files?"
Conspiracy: "Hello, Conspiracy. We're not here. We never were. Please leave the details of your alien experience after the beep and then forget about it"
Mulder: "Hello. The truth is out there and I'm out looking for it, so please leave your name, number, and guess as to who is involved in the conspiricy along with what *really* happened at Roswell after the beep."
Scully: "This is Scully. My partner has once again ditched me and I have to go find him to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. So please leave your name, number, and scientific explanation as to what *really* happened at Roswell. And I will get back to you as soon as I finish the autopsy, thank you."
Lone Gunmen: "Hello, you have reached this number by mistake. Please do not bother to leave your name or number because we already know who you are. And if this is _____ you know better than to call at this time! (in backround:) If it's Scully, tell her I think she's hot! (*whap!*) Ow! What was *that* for?"
Skinner: "You have reached the residence of Walter S. Skinner, Assistant Director of the FBI. Please leave your name and number after the beep. And if this is Agent Mulder, no you cannot take *that* case! If this is Agent Scully, no, Mulder cannot have *that* case!"
Pusher: "Hello. I had to go, so leave your name and number after the beep. Leave your name and number after the beep. Leave your name and number after the beep."
CSM: "There is no answering machine. And if this is Agent Mulder; I'm sorry, but you can't *handle* the truth."
Krycek: "Please press one to hear this in Russian. (phrase repeats in Russian). Hello, this is Ratboy, if I have not betrayed you please leave your name and number after the beep and I will get to it as soon as I finish backstabbing the Conspiracy, Mulder, and Skinner. Thank you."
How to survive school as a "Phile":
1. Make the truth be known about the "Mystery Meat"
2. Get two of your best friends together, go on the internet and nitpick the scientific inaccuracies of Earth 2.
3. Create your own underground X-Files division complete with I.D. badge and squirt gun. Your mission: Expose the truth about "The Faculty".
4. While using your microscope in Biology, claim to have found evidence of a massive infection. Warn classmates that this could be "the plague to end all plagues." See how many you can actually convince.
5. Whenever you find a dead lab rat, fish, etc... Do an autopsy. Phone your best friend and tell them what you found out. Don't be surprised if it disappears under mysterious circumstances.
6. Consult with "the secret student body" on what to do about the Unidentified Food Object (U.F.O.) that was found in the lunch today.
7. When the office asks you why you were absent, tell them that you were abducted by aliens over the weekend and had to get the implant removed. Make a fake scar on your neck to show them. (If possible bring a "Pet Microchip" with you in a glass vial.)
8. When asked to show your I.D., show your badge then say, "Oops," and bring out your student I.D.
9. Go through the kitchen looking for "Nature's Best" products.
10. If there's a bee in the classroom ask your classmates if they remember what you said about "the plague" and nod meaningfully towards the bee. Back slowly towards the door, turn and run. (Bonus points if anyone follows who is NOT trying to catch you!)
Song Parodies
IF I ONLY HAD AN ARM
(Sung by Krycek to the tune of If I only had a brain, from The Wizard of Oz.)
I'd buy gloves and not have extras
And I'd be ambidextrous
If I only had an arm
I could pummel Fox and Dana
Then I'd do the macarena
If I only had an arm
I'd take vengeance on that prick
Who made me asymmetric
If I only had an arm
The fake one causes blisters
And I wish I could play Twister
If I only had an arm
Oh I could tell you why the finger meets the thumb
I could handstand and not fall on my bum
Then I'd clap when I'm done!!
I'd win at thumb wrestling
Its hell when you're undressing
If you've only got one arm.
I could tie my own shoe laces
I probably won't misplace it
If I only had an arm.
JOY TO THE WORLD (not the Christmas Carol)
Dana Scully was a skeptic.
Was a good friend of mine.
She never understood a single word I said,
But she would always drink my wine.
Joy to the world.
All abducted girls.
Joy to the aliens who abducted me.
Joy to my Scully.
If I had the truth in my hand
I tell you what I'd do.
I'd take away the bees and the killing trees
And say, "Scully, oh, I love you!"
Joy to the world.
All abducted girls.
Joy to the aliens who abducted me.
Joy to my Scully.
You know I love that Scully.
She's always lots of fun.
I'm an iced tea drinker, always a believer.
And I always drop my gun.
Joy to the world.
All abducted girls.
Joy to the aliens who abducted me.
Joy to my Scully.
SISTER OF MINE (to the tune of Father of Mine by Everclear)
Sister of mine,
Tell me where have you been
You know I just closed my eyes
My sister disappeared.
Sister of mine,
I remember the day,
When we were playing Stratego,
Right before you went away.
I remember a bright light
A Presence in the room
I tried to move with all my might
To save you from your doom.
You wanted to watch a movie,
I wanted to watch my show,
They wanted to abduct you inside
A glowing U.F.O.
Sister of Mine
Tell me are you a clone?
You're part of a bigger Plan
And you turned into green foam.
Sister of Mine
Tell me who is your dad?
When you tell me it is CSM,
I think you've gone mad.
Now I'm all grown up,
Doing all that I can,
To find the truth about you
With my partner Scully
Against that Smoking Man
One day you came back to me
To use me further still,
I wanted to believe you then,
and I guess I always will.
(chorus)
Daddy took Samantha
My dad he took Samantha
Then rat boy shot him
Daddy took Samantha
Then rat boy shot him
My dad he took Samantha.
Yeah, oh yeah
(repeat)
Sister of mine,
Tell me where have you been
Yeah, I just closed my eyes,
And you disappeared.
Sister of mine,
How many clones of you
Live on that Ginseng farm I saw
Marita said was not true.
I will never find you
I will never know the truth
I will always be Paranoid
I will always miss my youth.
Now I'm Spooky Fox
With a partner that I love
And I swear that I will keep her always safe
From things that fly above.
(chorus)
KRYCEK THE RATBOY (Sung to "Frosty The Snowman")
Krycek the Ratboy was a sullen, angry soul
he's been possessed by an alien that came out of a lump of coal
Krycek the Ratboy killed Melissa Scully dead also killed Mulder's dad
it's really quite sad
he's an evil, evil Fed
He can speak Russian fluently, thought he'd be safe from harm, but he met some guys in the forestand they cut off his left arm!
Oh, Krycek, the Ratboy, is really a Russian spy
(But doesn't he work for Cancer Man? So confusing, I'm going to cry...)
B-L-U-N-D-H-T(To the tune of Respect, by Aretha Franklin)
