Disclaimer:Paramount owns these characters, but apparently, not what they do between episodes.
Rated R or NC-17, so if you're under 18 TURN BACK NOW!
This is my first fan fiction, let me know what you think.
May 1998
By Orion
"Kathryn," Chakotay called, hurrying to catch up with her in the corridor. "I want to talk to you."
Knowing what was coming, she said over her shoulder,"I haven't had dinner yet. It will have to wait."
"You have been avoiding me for days."
She stopped walking and he stood in front of her. "Chakotay, this is neither the time nor the place to discuss this."
"We are going to talk about this, Kathryn, whether you like it or not."
She was about to answer when Tom Paris came around the corner. "Chakotay," he said, "I've been looking for you. I wanted to go over those...," he paused. Noticing the Captain's face, somewhat flushed and averted, he asked,"Am I interrupting something?"
"Not at all, Tom. Chakotay and I had just finished," Kathryn said, as she made a hasty retreat.
"Kathryn," Chakotay called.
"Later, Chakotay. Much later," she said, muttering the last part under her breath.
Kathryn, who had been on her way to the mess hall, had suddenly lost her appetite and rerouted back toward her quarters. He's right. I have been avoiding him. She couldn't help it. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to work closely with him. The other day after the senior officer's meeting, he casually brushed by her on his way out and she'd practically had a meltdown. She couldn't go on like this much longer. Sooner or later someone would notice her deliberate avoidance of him.
Oh, God! She stopped dead in her tracks as the realization hit her. Could I be falling in love with him? I can't let that happen. A starfleet Captain can not fall in love with a member of her crew, especially in a situation like ours. They depend on me. What am I going to do? She covered her mouth with her hand in a defensive gesture. Oh Chakotay, what have you done to me?
She practically ran the rest of the way to her quarters, not stopping until she was safely inside with the door closed. She knew Chakotay had strong feelings for her. He had also gotten her to admit she had some feelings for him last weekend, the result of one too many drinks on her part at Sandrine's. Since then he'd tried on two occasions to get her to talk about it. Once at dinner, he sat down with her, but she claimed to have some work to do and quickly left. The other was that morning in her ready room, but Tuvok had interrupted just in time. Hopefully, she'd be able to keep him from finding out how much she did care.
Damn him, she thought. Why can't he drop this?
She hadn't realized she had been standing there, staring out of the viewport until her door chime sounded ten minutes later. "Come in," she called, slowly pulling out of her reverie.
Chakotay entered to find Kathryn standing with her back to him. "You didn't think I was going to let this go, did you?" he asked.
Without turning around she said, "I was hoping you would."
Chakotay walked toward her slowly. "I can't. What we have is special, Kathryn."
With that she turned around. He was now standing in front of her. He reached up and ran the back of his finger down her cheek. "It could be very special."
His finger seemed to blaze a trail of fire down her face. She turned her head, and he dropped his hand.
"Chakotay, we've been over this before. I'm..."
"I know, I know," Chakotay finished for her, "You're the Captain. You have certain responsibilities to the crew." He quoted her former tirade.
"That's right, I am the captain. I have to be strong for the crew."
"And you couldn't be strong if we were together?" Chakotay asked.
Ignoring his question, Kathryn walked away and continued. "They expect me to make rational decisions."
"Like you did with the Borg?"
She turned and glared at him but ignored this question, too. "I need to be in control, Chakotay. I can't afford to make mistakes. I don't need any outside distractions. The crew needs..."
"Oh," he cut her off, "so I'm a distraction?" He was getting angry.
"That's not what I meant."
"Then what did you mean?"he asked.
"I...I don't know." She put her hands up to her temples as if to help her think better. "I just know I have an obligation to the crew I have to keep."
"Dammit, Kathryn, you're not a robot! You're allowed to make mistakes. You're allowed to lose control every now and then. You don't have to be perfect."
She dropped her hands and her eyes met his. "I never said I was," she said softly.
All the anger seemed to drain out of him at once. "I know. I'm just trying to get you to realize you're human. Flesh and blood, like everyone else. With feelings and needs, and the right to do something for yourself occasionally." When she didn't speak he went on. "Do you plan to keep everyone at a distance for seventy years? That's a long time to go without the comfort of a friend. Or physical intimacy."
"People can live without sex," she stated, folding her arms across her chest and half turning away from him to gaze back out the viewport.
"Yes," he agreed. Chakotay reached up, taking her chin in his hand and turned her head until she looked at him. "But what about love, Kathryn? Can you live without love?"
Her eyes searched his face, almost pleading with him. For what, she didn't know. Maybe for understanding. Maybe for what was about to happen as Chakotay leaned towards her.
Her mind shouted, "No!" but when she tried to speak nothing came out except a soft gasp. At first his lips just brushed hers, with no other physical contact connecting them. She thought she should stop him before she no longer was capable, and put her hands up to his chest to push him away. But when she felt his heart beating beneath his uniform she found she couldn't withdraw her hands. In fact, they seemed to move of their own volition over his shoulders to run through the hair at the back of his neck. Seeming to take that as encouragement, Chakotay increased the pressure of the kiss as his hands pulled her against him and pressed at the small of her back. His tongue came out and slowly licked over her lips. Feeling like she was pleasantly drugged, Kathryn parted her lips and gave his tongue access to the warmth of her mouth. As all rational thought was leaving her, she was suddenly released.
She stumbled back two steps, and a hand reached out to steady her.
"You can't deny what's between us, Kathryn," Chakotay said, pinning her with his eyes.
When she realized what she'd done, a blush crept up her neck and face. "I don't know what to say," she whispered.
"I think your body is saying it for you."
When she started to protest he said, "Look. I'm not going to push you with this anymore. I think we'd be terrific together, but I need you to feel the same way too, without any doubts. So," he said walking toward the door, "the ball's in your court now."
"Wait. Chakotay," she called, going after him.
He went back to her, kissed her swiftly and said, "If you need me, you know where to find me." Then he was gone.
"Chakotay," she said weakly as the door closed behind him.
Chakotay walked down the corridor to his quarters. Let her sleep on that, he thought. She's one stubborn woman. And she had felt so right in his arms. A perfect fit. Maybe he did the wrong thing by saying he'd let it go. No, it has to be up to her now. And, after all, she could hardly ignore him for long when they were thrown together every day.
"Oh Kathryn," he muttered. "What have you done to me?"
******************************************
Over the next two weeks Kathryn found it difficult to concentrate on anything. Fortunately, this section of space was rather uninteresting. But no matter where she went, Chakotay always seemed to be there. Trying to overlook the cravings of her body was wearing her down.
As she entered the mess hall for dinner one night, B'Elanna, who was sitting with Tom and Chakotay, waved her over to the table. She didn't want to raise suspicions, so she sat down, Chakotay giving her a barely veiled grin as she did so.
During dinner his knee brushed hers a few times, whether on purpose or not she couldn't tell. The first time it happened her leg flinched and out of the corner of her eye she saw him give her a questioning look. The next couple of times she steeled herself not to move.
When Tom and B'Elanna finished eating, they excused themselves and headed for the holodeck. Kathryn was going to leave too, not wanting to be alone with Chakotay, but before she could excuse herself, Neelix came over and offered them more coffee, which they both refused.
"Captain," Neelix said, noticing her plate, "you've barely touched your dinner. Didn't you like it?"
"It was fine, Neelix," she answered. "I guess I'm not very hungry tonight."
"Aren't you feeling well?" Chakotay asked.
"I'm fine," she stated firmly, knowing what was hidden in his question.
"I'll just take that plate for you," Neelix said. As he was turning away he stopped and asked,"You are going to make it to the Luau tomorrow night aren't you, Captain? I'll make you one of my infamous tropical drinks."
She had forgotten all about the Luau. And now that she had been reminded, she did not want to go. But Neelix would be disappointed, he and Tom had been planning it for weeks, and she didn't want to answer questions the next day as to why she hadn't been there.
Smiling up at Neelix she said, "I wouldn't miss it for the world."
"Great. See you tomorrow night," he said, and walked out.
Kathryn looked at Chakotay, ready to excuse herself again and saw the disbelieving look he was giving her. "What?" she asked.
"You were going to say you couldn't make the Luau, weren't you?"
"No."
"Yes you were. I saw it in your face. And it's because of me, isn't it?"
"What?" she asked again, trying to sound casual and hoping he didn't know how right he was.
"Admit it." He searched her face. "I affect you so much you have a hard time being in the same room with me."
"That's absurd," she hissed. "Don't flatter yourself, Chakotay, it's not becoming. Excuse me." She stood up to leave.
As she was walking away she heard his parting remark. "Sleep well, Kathryn."
That's what I've been trying to do, with no help from you. Between episodes of fitful sleep and insomnia, she was plagued by steamy dreams of Chakotay. His hands on her, his mouth on her. She could still see them if she closed her eyes. At least there will be plenty of people at the Luau. She won't have to be alone with him.
************************
The next night, Kathryn entered the holodeck to find quite a few people already milling about. She felt a little uncomfortable in the Hawaiian dress B'Elanna had dropped off for her. It was light blue with a white floral pattern and tied behind her neck, letting her upper back and shoulders exposed. Not exactly the dress of a Starfleet Captain, but everyone else seemed to be in the spirit of the occasion, down to the floral leis some of them wore around their necks.
Glancing around the room, Kathryn spotted Chakotay talking to Seven and headed in the opposite direction toward Tom, B'Elanna, and Harry. She felt his eyes following her across the room and did her best to pretend he wasn't there.
After about an hour of mingling with most of the crew, she wandered to the bar and had Neelix make her something fruity with a parasol stuck in it, only her second drink of the evening. Wondering if it was too early to make an escape, she walked over to a column holding up one end of the roof over the bar. She leaned sideways against it and scanned the room, glad the potted palm tree in front of the column partially hid her from view.
Taking a sip of her drink, it occurred to her she hadn't seen Chakotay for some time. Just then she felt, rather than heard a presence behind her.
"Kathryn," Chakotay said in greeting, as he leaned his forearm on the column behind her head.
"Chakotay," she said, glancing over shoulder. Feeling at a loss for words, and not being able to think clearly when she could feel the heat of his body warming her back she said, "Everyone appears to be having a good time."
"What about you?" he asked. "Are you enjoying yourself?"
"I'm having a wonderful time," she lied. "Occasions like these are good for the morale of the crew."
When he didn't say anything she glanced over her shoulder again. He looked a little flushed and he was much too close.
"How much have you had to drink?" she asked.
"Not enough to have taken away the memory of how you felt in my arms two weeks ago."
Kathryn audibly sucked in her breath. She looked away from him and stared straight ahead.
"Do you know what you do to me, Kathryn?"
"Stop," she said, and started to walk away.
He reached forward and grabbed her wrist, holding it down at her side. He was still behind her and the plant was sheilding them from most of the room. His thumb began making slow circles on the inside of her wrist.
"Do you know what you're doing to me right now?" he whispered in her ear.
"Chakotay." She had meant to say it as a warning, but it came out a breathless whisper.
"Do you know what I'd do to you right now if we were alone?" He spoke softly so anyone who happened to walk by wouldn't hear. He let go of her wrist and she stayed standing with her back to him, both hands now clutching her drink. "First, I'd place my lips on this delectable shoulder," he said and lightly placed a finger on her bare shoulder. "And I'd kiss you from here to here." He ran his finger across the top of her shoulder, up the side of her neck and stopped below her ear. She tilted her head to the side slightly as if to give him greater access. "Then I'd trace the shell of your ear with my tongue. Do you think you'd like that, Kathryn?"
She made an unintelligable sound and he went on. "After that, I'd go to your mouth, kissing it lightly at first and then more firmly, parting your lips with my tongue. You'd welcome it into your mouth and let me taste the sweetness of it. And don't forget my hands. They'd start at your back and continue on down." As he was talking, he put his arm up between their bodies and ran a finger from her shoulder blade down to the bottom of her buttocks and cupped it briefly with his palm before removing it.
Kathryn nearly jumped. She was breathing faster and hoped he hadn't noticed. Her hands were gripping her drink so tightly her knuckles were white.
"My hands would move over your hips and your stomach and then up to your breasts, teasing your nipples through your dress with my thumbs. Can you feel it?" he asked.
Kathryn nodded almost imperceptibly. She shouldn't let him talk to her like this. She should stop him, but her body couldn't seem to move. Molten lava was flowing through her veins, weighing her down.
"My mouth would still be devouring yours," he continued talking. "And my hands would slide back down and take a hold of the hem of your dress, slowly pulling it up your thighs to your hips..."
"Stop," she choked the word out and half turned toward him. "That's enough."
"But I haven't finished yet."
"Oh yes you have," she said more firmly. She was shaking from head to toe as she pushed past him, set her drink on the bar, and left the holodeck.
Chakotay walked to the bar and leaned on it. Neelix finished serving someone a drink and came over to him. "Did the Captain leave already?" he asked.
"Yes."
"I wonder why. It's still so early."
"I think she had to...uh...relieve some tension," Chakotay said cryptically.
"Oh. I thought this was the place to do that," Neelix said, and shrugged as someone called for another drink.
***************************************************
The next morning Kathryn headed to the Bridge for her duty shift. She had done her best to cover up the dark circles under her eyes, evidence of her lack of sleep the night before. Damn him, she thought as she remembered last night. When she had returned to her quarters after leaving the Luau she immediately took a long, cold shower cursing Chakotay the entire time. He knew what he had done to her, and had probably gotten a big laugh out of it after she had gone.
After stepping out of the shower and drying herself vigorously with a towel, Kathryn had gone to bed and attempted to get some sleep for her early shift the next day. Tossing and turning most of the night, she had finally managed to drift off, only to be harshly awakened two hours later by her alarm.
Getting up and stumbling to the bathroom, she glanced in the mirror. Oh hell, she thought. Anyone would have to be blind not to notice those dark circles under her eyes. She had gathered her make-up and set to work on her face, doing her best to hide the signs of sleep deprivation.
Now, entering the Bridge, she wondered if she had done a good enough job.
"Good morning, everyone," she said, trying to sound pleasant.
"Good morning, Captain," came a chorus of answers throughout the Bridge.
Noticing Chakotay was already seated, she walked over to her chair and sat down, trying hard not to look at him. "Report."
"All systems are go, Captain. And we're cruising along at warp six," Tom answered.
"Thank you, Mr. Paris."
Tom turned to look at her. "Captain," he said.
"Yes, Mr. Paris."
"Are you feeling alright?"
"Yes I am. Why do you ask?" She tried not to say it too sharply.
"You look a little tired, that's all."
"Well I'm fine. But thank you for your concern, Mr. Paris."
"Don't mention it, Captain," Tom said, and turned his attention back to his console.
Kathryn stole a glance at Chakotay and found him studying her. She gave him a look that dared him to make a comment. With amusement in his eyes, he looked away.
The next two hours dragged by as Kathryn fumed silently. Thinking back over the previous night's events, for what seemed like the tenth time, didn't help. How could her body betray her like that? Who was she kidding. She knew now that Chakotay controlled her body completely.
Fidgeting with her hands in her lap, she heard him cough as if to get her attention. She looked at him, her heart rate increasing. Their eyes met for a few seconds and then he mouthed the words, "I'm sorry."
Kathryn looked away and feigned interest in her padd for a few minutes. She had to get some air. She stood up. "Commander, you have the Bridge," she said as she was leaving, not waiting for a reply.
About twenty seconds later Chakotay got up. "Tuvok, you have the Bridge," he said.
"Aye, Commander," Tuvok replied, looking curiously at Chakotay.
Kathryn was entering the turbolift when Chakotay caught up to her.
"Kathryn," he said as the doors closed them in the lift.
"Chakotay, aren't you supposed to be covering the Bridge?" she asked more forcefully than she wanted to.
"I think Tuvok can handle it for a few minutes. Computer, halt turbolift."
"What are you doing?" she asked. She didn't want to be confined in such a small space with him.
"Relax, I only want to talk to you." He was standing directly in front of her. She could see his chest rising and falling with each breath he took.
"Haven't you said enough?" she asked.
"I want to know if you're O.K?" he said softly. He tipped her chin up and his finger lightly traced one of the dark circles under her eyes.
"I'm fine," she said, unable to meet his eyes.
"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't get much sleep last night either."
"Good. Computer, resume turbolift."
When the lift stopped at the next floor she started toward the open door, but Chakotay detained her by taking her arm. "Kathryn."
She turned to face him.
"I didn't intend to make you feel uncomfortable today."
"Liar," she said, but she didn't feel quite as angry anymore. Walking off the lift, she ordered over her shoulder, "Get back to the Bridge, Commander."
"Yes, ma'am."
She could practically feel his devilish grin on her back as the doors closed behind her.
Kathryn walked the corridors, not really knowing where she was going. She volleyed back and forth between being angry with Chakotay and being angry with herself. Angry with him for putting her in this position to begin with. She had told him her reasons for her refusal to get involved. Why couldn't he have accepted her answer the first time? Angry with herself because now she was in love with him, and realized she had been for some time. How could she have let this happen? What about her responsibilities? She had to stay focused.
But what about her needs? Maybe Chakotay was right. After all, seventy years was a long time. Not wanting to think about it anymore she somehow found some busy work to keep her occupied and off the Bridge for the rest of the day.
Chakotay got off the turbolift still grinning. Last night had definitely had an effect on Kathryn. The effect he had been hoping for. How could she be so stubborn and deny her own needs? How long could she shelve her feelings for him and hide behind her protocol and responsibilities? I know I let it up to her, he thought as he entered the Bridge, but if she doesn't come knocking on my door soon, I think I'll go insane.
*******************************
Over the next week, Kathryn saw no more or no less of Chakotay than usual. He didn't mention anything about their relationship, or lack thereof. But she didn't miss the slow lazy smiles he gave her on the Bridge when no one was watching, causing her hands to shake and her face to flush. Her senses were so heightened, she could feel when he entered a room before she saw or heard him. At night, when she did sleep, her dreams were filled with erotic images of skin touching skin.
One week after the Luau, Kathryn was leaving the mess hall after dinner when she collided head on with Chakotay in the doorway.
"Kathryn. I'm sorry. Are you O.K?" he asked, grabbing her upper arms to steady her.
"I'm fine. Just a little winded, that's all. I shouldn't have been rushing like that."
He pulled her out into the corridor. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" he asked, dropping his hands from her arms.
"To my quarters. I have some work to catch up on." She rubbed her arms where his hands had been because they suddenly felt cold.
"Along with some sleep?" he asked, alluding to the dark circles still under her eyes, although now somewhat faded.
"Chakotay..." she started in a tired voice.
He held up his hands, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"Actually, I could use some sleep," she said, while her hand rubbed the back of her neck.
Chakotay's eyes followed the movement of her hand. "Aren't you going to Talent Night?"
"No. Not tonight. I'll make the next one. Are you going?"
"No. I'm grabbing dinner and taking it back to my quarters. I have some reports to finish. The Captain is such a slave driver," he said with a smile.
She smiled too. "Then you'd better get going. I wouldn't want you to get in trouble."
He chuckled. "Well, have a good night."
"Thanks. You too, Chakotay," she said, and headed for her quarters.