Disclaimer:Paramount owns the characters and whatnot. They're just having a little fun in my mind. No infringement is intended.
Rated:NC-17 I had every intention for this to be PG-13. And I tried to stop them, really I did. But they wouldn't listen.
By Orion
August 1998
Kathryn Janeway headed toward the Bridge to begin her duty shift. As her feet robotically carried her body closer to it's final destination, her mind drifted farther away. Her visit to sickbay ten minutes earlier, and the accompanying conversation with the Doctor had left her dazed and sullen.
A quick exam with a simple answer was what she had gone in search of, and ultimately, what she had received. Except her 'simple answer' had fallen prey to a cruel twist of fate. The exam had taken all of a few minutes as the Doctor scanned her body, idly humming to himself. And in those few short spaces of time he had gathered enough information to inform her of the unanticipated results.
"I'm sorry, Captain," was all he had said. She had nodded and thanked him, actually thanked him for giving her such unwelcome news. And it wasn't that she hadn't been aware of the possibility ever occurring, especially since being stranded in the Delta Quadrant. She just thought she had had more time. And now that remote possibility had become reality. Kathryn Janeway would never have children.
She entered the Bridge and sat down, the report she called for barely registering in her preoccupied mind.
"Good morning, Captain," Chakotay said when she was sitting aside of him.
"Good morning, Commander," she answered, the smile on her lips not quite reaching her eyes.
"Here are the propulsion systems reports you wanted to see," Chakotay said, handing her a padd.
"Thank you." Suddenly she stood up. "You have the Bridge, Commander. I'll be in my ready room," she said as she turned to leave.
"Aye, Captain," Chakotay said, his face holding a look of puzzlement as his eyes followed her across the Bridge.
Once inside her ready room Kathryn replicated a cup of coffee and sat behind her desk, grateful to see three padds already awaiting her perusal. Immersion in work was exactly what she needed. She had to keep busy so she wouldn't dwell on her unfortunate circumstances. Looking down at the padd she carried in with her, Kathryn began reading, trying her best to concentrate.
The hours passed by and she remained unmoving. After reading the same padd three times, she still wasn't sure what information it contained, other than it being about the propulsion systems. Her door chimed and she sighed before saying, "Come in."
Chakotay entered, and she set the padd on her desk. "What can I do for you, Commander?" she asked, standing up to stretch her stiff legs.
"You've been in here a while. I wanted to make sure everything was O.K," he said, watching her walk to the upper level and gaze out of the viewport.
"Everything's fine, Chakotay. I guess I got caught up in the reports and lost track of the time."
"I don't suppose you've had lunch?"
"No, I haven't," she shrugged, and turned toward him. "I wasn't hungry."
"Did you get to the report on the propulsion systems?"
"Yes, I did. Everything looks good," she said, trying to remember some shred of the information she had read.
Chakotay studied her. "B'Elanna said there's a problem with the power relays."
"Oh. Yes, well...I assume it's being worked on," she stated, rather than asked, coming down from the upper level.
"Yes it is," he said, eyebrows furrowed. "Kathryn, are you all right?"
Kathryn glanced up at him and saw the concern in his eyes. She was tempted to tell him, but held back, not wanting to burden him with her personal problems. "I'm fine, Chakotay. It's nothing I can't handle," she said, giving him a small smile.
Chakotay nodded. "If you want to talk anytime, I'm a good listener."
"I know. Thank you."
"I'll check with engineering now and see how the repairs are coming along."
"Keep me informed, Commander."
Chakotay walked out and Kathryn slumped down in her chair pinching the bridge of her nose. A dull headache had begun in the region behind her eyes. "Dammit, just what I need," she said softly, leaning her head back against the chair and closing her eyes.
*****
By the time Kathryn was ready for bed, her headache had almost completely disappeared. She had succeeded in stifling her melancholy thoughts for the remainder of the day, and surprisingly, she drifted off to sleep a few minutes after her head hit the pillow.
But her subconscious mind worked overtime that night, filling her head with various images. There were children in torn, filthy clothing, faces smeared with dirt and mud, crying out to her, surrounding her, screaming. Then she was being backed into a corner, her crew coming after her, pointing accusingly, B'Elanna, Tom, Harry, even Chakotay. "It's your fault we're stranded here," they chanted at her.
Kathryn awoke with a start as her alarm went off. It was only a dream, she thought, trying to calm herself. She sat up in bed. This shouldn't be bothering her so much, should it? It wasn't as if she had had any plans of starting a family in the near future, she tried to reason. But at least the choice had always been there. Now that choice had been cruelly wrenched from her and a decision had been rendered final without her approval. She was becoming angry at the realization that even she didn't have complete control over her own body.
Starting the day with that thought did nothing to put her in a good mood. Throughout the day, Kathryn fluctuated between feeling sorry for herself and being angry. She either wasn't paying attention, forcing the person she was speaking with to repeat himself, or she would snap at someone for practically no reason. Kathryn couldn't help noticing the crew's curious glances at her erratic behavior.
After two days of riding an emotional roller coaster, she decided she had had enough. Her situation could not be altered, and so she reasoned, she might as well put it behind her and get on with her life. And that is what she set out to do.
*****
The next evening, Chakotay entered the holodeck to a party in full swing. He had stopped by his quarters and changed into black pants and a cream colored pullover shirt. Neelix had instigated the somewhat impromptu gathering, issuing invitations only the previous day. He had claimed it was just the typical quarterly morale booster party, but Chakotay suspected Neelix had also been aware of the Captain's mood swings and wanted to alleviate any growing tension among them. The odd part was, Kathryn had seemed like her old self again today. She hadn't sought him out to speak with him, so she must have worked out whatever it was that had been bothering her, like she had said she would.
Chakotay's eyes caught hers across the room and she flashed him a carefree smile. Yes, he was definitely glad to have his Captain back. She really looked good in the white jumpsuit she was wearing, he thought. Chakotay smiled and nodded to her and stepped further into the crowd.
He mingled with his shipmates, joining in the various conversations as he worked his way around the room. Even through the crowd, he was able to single her voice out above the myriad other sounds which assaulted his ears. Her husky laugh drifted toward him and was music to his ears, telling him she really was in a better mood. As Chakotay approached her, he saw she was deep in conversation with Neelix, allowing him to unobtrusively observe her. God she was beautiful. She affected him so much, and yet seemed oblivious to the supreme power she wielded over him. He would do anything for her. Go to any lengths to make her happy. But he couldn't tell her. Couldn't share what was in his heart. Not yet. Not until she was ready to hear what he had to say.
Neelix was walking away as Chakotay came even with Kathryn. "We can't have the Captain lacking for company, can we?" Chakotay said, filling in Neelix's newly vacated space.
Kathryn turned toward Chakotay. "I think they have more fun when I'm not here at all," she said, half joking.
"Not true," Chakotay said. "At least not me."
Her eyes met his and he thought he read an unspoken question in them, but the moment was broken as Naomi Wildman ran up to Kathryn.
"Captain, Captain. Are you having fun at Uncle Neelix's party?"
Kathryn smiled down at the young girl. "Yes I am, Naomi. Are you having a good time?"
"Yes, but Mommy said it's time for me to go to bed now," she said, looking rather dejected.
"Have you seen Neelix? He said he'd tell Naomi a story before bed," Sam Wildman asked, having caught up with Naomi.
"He just headed in that direction," Kathryn said, pointing over her shoulder.
"I'll go get him," Naomi said, before running off. All three adults watched her as she weaved through the throng toward Neelix.
"She's growing up so fast," Chakotay commented.
"Oh, I know," Sam said, her eyes still on Naomi. "Stranded in the Delta Quadrant wouldn't have been my first place of choice to have a baby, but I'm so thankful everyday that I have her. I wouldn't give that up for the world. Well, I'd better go after her or she'll never get to bed. Captain, Commander, have a nice evening," she said, and walked off in search of her daughter.
Kathryn cleared her throat. "Excuse me, please. I have to check on something," she said quickly to Chakotay, and hurried through the crowd.
"Kathryn?" he called, but she didn't stop. Chakotay watched her departing back. What was that all about? Has something upset her? Maybe she hadn't worked through her problem like he had thought.
Setting out to pursue her, he was soon stopped in his tracks by Tom. "Oh, no you don't. You can't leave until you have at least one drink with us," Tom said, motioning toward B'Elanna.
"O.K," Chakotay said, after a brief pause. He knew the pair wouldn't let him go easily. "But just one." He glanced over his shoulder in time to see Kathryn retreating out of the door.
*****
Kathryn practically ran down the corridor, tears stinging the backs of her eyes. She hoped she didn't run into any crew on the way to her quarters. Damn! She had been fine all day until she had seen Naomi and Sam's obvious love and adoration of her. "I will not get upset over this again," she said softly, determined to stop any tears before they showed themselves.
Once inside her quarters, Kathryn called for the lights at one quarter illumination and ordered herself to calm down. She replicated a cup of tea and sat down on the sofa to drink it, willing her mind to remain blank. Five minutes later her door chimed.
She set her cup on the coffee table. Should she answer it? She wasn't in the mood for company. It chimed again. Kathryn walked over to the door and opened it, hoping to be rid of whoever it was quickly. "Chakotay," she said, not really sure who she had expected. "I thought you'd still be at the party."
"I thought the same about you," he said. "May I come in?"
She didn't want him to come in, but what could she do? "Sure," she said, and moved aside.
Chakotay followed her into the room. "Why'd you run off so fast?" he asked.
"I had something to do," she said, absentmindedly picking up her teacup and taking a sip.
"Did you do it?"
"What? Oh, yes." Why did he keep looking at her like that?
"I thought maybe you left because you were upset," he said, too astutely.
"Why would I be upset?" she asked, setting her cup down again to give her hands something to do.
"You tell me." She shrugged and walked by him. "I know something was bothering you the other day, but thought everything was O.K. until you ran out tonight." Her back was to him and her arms were folded across her chest. "Does it have something to do with Sam and Naomi?" he asked, sounding confused.
Kathryn let out an audible sigh but didn't turn around. This time when Chakotay spoke, he was standing directly behind her. "Sometimes we try and tuck our problems securely in our pockets hoping we'll forget about them. But the trouble with that is, they will remain there until we are ready to take them out and deal with them." He paused, and put his hand on her shoulder. "Kathryn..." he said softly.
Kathryn bit her lower lip. Tears threatened again and she rapidly blinked them back. When she felt she had them under control, she turned to face Chakotay.
"I thought I could just forget it," she said quietly. "I thought I had done a good job of it today. Until now." She walked past him again and stared out of the viewport at the swiftly passing stars. "I saw the Doctor the other day. I hadn't expected anything of importance to come out of my exam."
"You're not sick, are you?" Chakotay asked, sounding concerned.
Kathryn gave a self-derisive laugh. "No. I'm not sick. I guess I should be thankful for that," she said, saying the last part almost under her breath. "The Doctor informed me what I am experiencing is," she turned around to face him, "premature menopause."
Chakotay looked shocked at first and then sympathetic as if the realization of what she actually meant sank in. "Oh Kathryn, I'm sorry," he said. "Can't the Doctor give you something..."
"It's too late for that," she interrupted him. "Apparently, it has been progressing for months now, only I was too busy to notice." Chakotay watched her as she went on, her eyes welling with the tears she could no longer hold back. "I had always thought one day I would have a child. And up until now the possibility had always existed, no matter how remote." Kathryn blinked and the first two tears spilled over and ran down her cheeks. "Any hope I ever had is gone," she whispered. "It's almost like...a part of me has died." She covered her mouth with her hand as she choked back a sob.
Chakotay took the few steps needed to close the distance between them and enveloped her in his warm embrace. Kathryn went easily into his arms and cried against his chest, finally allowing all the frustration she had kept inside the last few days to spill forth. Strong hands stroked her back, and a gentle voice whispered soothing words into her hair as she grieved for the child she would never hold. Never call her own.
When at last she finished and there didn't seem to be any tears left, Kathryn only then realized she had been clinging to Chakotay like he was her lifeline. Embarrassed by her unusual display of emotion, she slowly unwound her arms from around his back. She sniffed and wiped her cheeks with the palms of her hands. "I'm sorry," she said quietly.
"Don't be. I'm glad I was able to help, in a sense. Do you feel better?"
"Somewhat." Kathryn began pacing. "I just can't help thinking about all of the choices I've made in my life."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," she stopped moving and faced him, "maybe if I hadn't chosen to enter Starfleet, if I hadn't taken the Voyager assignment," she paused and continued more quietly, "if I hadn't destroyed the array.... If any one choice had been made differently, I might now have a child. And Naomi Wildman would have a mother and a father," she finished with self-loathing.
"You're right, Naomi doesn't have her biological father, but she does have many people who care about her and look out for her. What's done is done and it's not going to do any good to dwell on it." Kathryn turned her head and looked out of the viewport again. "Are you still upset over him?"
"Who?"
"Mark," Chakotay said, and Kathryn's head snapped back to look at him. "Are you angry with yourself for making those decisions which took you away from him? Took the child you could've had together?"
Kathryn tried to visualize a life with Mark and their children like she had done in the past, but somehow the visions wouldn't come. "No," she said honestly. "Maybe if this had happened a few years ago I would have been upset for that reason, but not now."
"Good," Chakotay said, coming to stand in front of her.
Kathryn felt a deep yearning begin inside of her. "At least one good thing has come out of all this."
"What's that?"
"If I hadn't destroyed the array, I wouldn't have gotten to know my First Officer so well."
Chakotay smiled at her. "I'm glad you feel that way. And Kathryn, the choices you have made throughout your life have also made you who you are today. And I wouldn't want you any other way."
Kathryn found his gaze upon her to be so intense she had to look away. She suddenly felt close to tears again. "Thank you," she whispered, staring at the region below his neck.
Chakotay's hand came up and lifted her chin. His eyes burned into hers and she felt her body temperature rise. He slowly lowered his head toward hers, and Kathryn shifted her gaze to his mouth. She knew it would be mere seconds before it made contact with hers, and a thrill of excitement ran through her as she suddenly realized she couldn't wait that long. She swayed forward slightly and, as if taking their cue, strong hands closed around her waist and pulled her the short distance needed to close the gap between their mouths.
Their lips touched, tentatively at first, as this was unexplored territory for the both of them. Kathryn's hands crept up Chakotay's chest and curved around his neck, where her fingers curled into his hair. Chakotay's tongue came out to caress her lips lightly and she opened her mouth, giving him access to it's inner softness. Their tongues met and a soft sound escaped from the back of her throat. He tasted of sweet wine, and the effect he was having on her senses was very intoxicating.
Chakotay's hands came around in front of her and began unbuttoning her jumpsuit. His mouth moved across her cheek to her ear and nibbled on her lobe. His hands came in contact with her belt, which he undid with the minimum of trouble, and then continued with the few remaining buttons. He whispered in her ear. "You wear a contraption like this everyday. Did you have to wear one during your leisure time, too?"
His mouth dropped a trail of kisses across her neck and throat. Kathryn tilted her head back and clutched his shoulders. "I didn't expect anyone else to be removing it for me."
"It's nothing I can't handle," he chuckled, and his hands slipped inside the open front and gently cupped her breasts.
"Chakotay," Kathryn gasped softly, as his thumbs toyed with the rigid peaks through the lace of her bra. Her skin felt like it was on fire and his warm breath fanned her neck, then moved lower to the white skin just above her bra. The tip of his tongue trailed along the border to dip between her breasts, where her heart was beating wildly. Just when Kathryn thought her legs would give out on her, Chakotay brought his head up and looked at her.
"Kathryn..." he began, only to be silenced by her.
"Shhh...don't say anything, Chakotay," She said, pulling his head down and claiming his lips with hers, this time more forcefully than before. With their tongues driving into each others mouths, their passion began spiraling out of control. Chakotay picked her up and carried her into the bedroom, their mouths still drinking from one another's trying to slake their growing thirst. Laying her on the bed, he quickly removed her clothes and followed with his own, tossing them haphazardly over his shoulder. He joined her on the bed and pulled her to him, kissing the area between her neck and shoulder. Kathryn ran her hands up and down his back, reveling in the feel of his muscles against her palms.
Chakotay's one hand tangled in her hair and the other stroked her back before slowly brushing over her hip and thigh. He kissed her mouth once more and then dipped his head to taste the erect nub of her breast. Kathryn's mind was reeling as he sucked the sensitive flesh into his mouth and bit down gently. The ache between her legs deepened and she longed to be whole in every way. When Chakotay's hand reached between her thighs and came in contact with the wetness there, she moaned quietly and writhed against him. Her need for fulfillment was so great. And it was a need only he could satisfy.
Chakotay seemed to understand her silent plea and parted her legs with his knee. He positioned himself above her and gave her one last soul-searching look before taking her mouth and body simultaneously. Chakotay set the rhythm, and with her blood coursing through her veins, Kathryn matched him thrust for thrust, driving out her sorrow and pain. The real world was totally forgotten as a new heat began spreading through her body.
Chakotay's elbows rested by her head and she reached up and grabbed his upper arms, her nails biting into his biceps. Their breaths were coming short and ragged. Chakotay increased their pace, taking them both closer and closer to the precipice of ecstasy. Suddenly Kathryn's body tensed as waves of pleasure shuddered through her, her cry of delight muffled in the curve of his shoulder. Chakotay followed closely with his own release, whispering her name against her neck. When their breathing slowed, he reached down and pulled the covers over them, then turned Kathryn until her back was against his chest and cradled her in his arms. He kissed the top of her head and, "Chakotay," slipped from her lips as she drifted off to sleep.