Nocturnal Admissions


Story notes: After months of passing story line back and forth we finally got this baby out! I'm so glad Noda and I had the opportunity to do this together. We truly are linked. This story is loosely based on the episode "Night." It begins with the scene in Janeway's quarters and takes on a life of its own from there. I know, slightly late, but here none-the-less. Thanks, Margie, for our starting point!

Disclaimer: Paramount owns these characters, but what they've been doing with them is beyond me. So here's what we did with them. No infringement is intended.

Rated:NC-17 No minors beyond this point!

By Orion and Noda

April 1999


"It's a longshot, but alter course," came the despondent reply from Kathryn Janeway regarding the potential problem Chakotay had brought to her attention.

"Yes ma'am."

"If that's all, Commander?" she said, noticing his delay.

"Actually I'd like to make a request. I've been saving up my holodeck rations, and I've got three full hours coming. Any chance I might persuade you to join me for a few rounds of velocity? It will help clear your mind."

"My mind is perfectly clear."

"Then what if I told you I'm not leaving until you join me?"

"I'd say, have a seat. It'll be a while." Kathryn felt the heat of Chakotay's gaze upon her, but kept her face averted as she continued to stare out of the viewport. After a moment she heard him move and waited for the familiar sound of the door opening and closing. When the sound refused to fall upon her ears, she glanced over her shoulder to see him sitting on the sofa, his left ankle resting on his right knee and the fingers of his right hand drumming idly on the armrest. He appeared to be reading the padd he held in his other hand.

Kathryn turned to face him. "Commander?"

"Oh, don't mind me," he said casually as he continued reading.

"When I told you to take a seat I didn't actually mean it. It was sarcasm."

"You shouldn't say things you don't mean. Someone may get offended one day," he said, still not looking at her.

Kathryn slowly approached him. "You're dismissed, Commander," she said, hoping to be rid of his intrusion so she could be alone once again with her self-deprecating thoughts.

Chakotay finally looked up at her. "I'm not going anywhere," he said matter-of-factly.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," he said, placing the padd on the coffee table in front of him and standing up to face her. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on."

She was not in the mood for this. "I dismissed you , Commander. You're disobeying a direct order," she said, her voice low and even.

"Yes, I guess I am. But if you ask me, you haven't been acting very much like a captain lately."

"I didn't ask you."

Chakotay continued as if she hadn't spoken. "I've been the one performing a captain's duties for the past two months. Maybe I should start giving you orders."

Kathryn was fast approaching her limit. "That will be enough, Comman..."

"For starters," Chakotay said, interrupting her and taking a step closer, "why don't you tell me the reason behind this self-imposed solitude of yours? If not to assuage my curiosity, then at least for the crew's." Her gaze settled somewhere above his right shoulder and she remained silent. "They've been asking about you practically non-stop since you've gone into 'hiding.'"

"They have?" Kathryn asked, walking past him. "What have you been telling them?"

"I told them you didn't need to be on the Bridge to run this ship," he answered, turning around to watch her back. "I've been supporting your actions as if they were quite natural. And frankly, I've let this go on for too long." Chakotay paused. "Kathryn, I think I have a right to know what's going on here."

"Nothing's 'going on.'"

"Bull!" he exploded, and she turned to look at him, surprised by the intensity of his voice. "Don't tell me it's nothing. 'Nothing' doesn't make a Captain hide in her quarters for two months, avoiding any and all possible contact with her crew. 'Nothing' doesn't make a normally outgoing person withdrawn. And 'nothing' doesn't make you lose your passion for something you love."

"Do I love this, Chakotay?" she asked, swinging her arms out to the sides in a sweeping gesture. "Do I?" she demanded again when he didn't answer her.

Chakotay's eyes followed Kathryn as she began pacing the room. "You know you do, Kathryn," he said quietly. "You love being in space. You live for the exploration of a new discovery. I've watched your face come alive while witnessing unfamiliar stellar phenomenon."

Kathryn stopped pacing and gazed at him, left hand on her hip. "Maybe it just doesn't appeal to me the way it used to," she said dispassionately.

"I don't believe you."

"I'd rather not discuss this right now, Chakotay," she said, pinching the bridge of her nose as she felt the beginnings of a headache forming behind her eyes.

"Would you rather I fill the Doctor in on your peculiar behavior?"

"What's so peculiar about wanting some time to myself?" she asked, and he looked at her pointedly. "You wouldn't really tell him, would you?"

"If that's what it's going to take to get you to talk, to me or anyone, I will." Kathryn eyed him up, trying to decipher if he was bluffing or not. "What do you think he'd have to say about your...seclusion?"

"This is none of the Doctor's concern."

"I'm not so sure about that. Since we've entered this void," Chakotay said, gesturing toward the viewport, "you have made yourself more and more unattainable to us all. Crew morale is at an all-time low. We need our Captain," he finished, stressing his last point.

Kathryn stared at him for what seemed an eternity.

"If it's boredom, Kathryn, come to the holodeck with me, or have Neelix organize a party. God knows we could all use one."

Kathryn sighed and walked over to gaze out at the black nothingness beyond the viewport once again. "I'm not bored, Chakotay. In fact my mind is very occupied. Way too occupied," she whispered the last part.

"With what?" Chakotay asked.

Kathryn paused, then finally said, "With thoughts of my own inadequacy."

Chakotay's eyes narrowed. "What are you talking about?"

Remaining with her back to him she said, "I'm talking about my failure to make the proper decision in dealing with the Kazon and the Caretaker's array. I never should have destroyed it, Chakotay," she finished, hugging her arms around her stomach.

"Is that what all of this is about? Kathryn, we've all accepted the fate dealt to us."

Kathryn whirled around to face him. "The fate I thrust upon you! I had no right, Chakotay!"

"You had every right to make the decision you thought best. You saved the Ocampa!"

"But to what expense? I didn't have the right to alter the lives of two entire crews! My first and foremost thoughts should have been of their well-being," she said with self-loathing.

"Kathryn, no one blames you for our being in the Delta Quadrant. And look at the amount of knowledge and information we've gathered in our travels," Chakotay pointed out, but she took no notice.

"I blame myself. And I don't know how to make it right except by getting us home," she said, desolation coating her words.

Chakotay stood in front of her and placed his hands on her upper arms making sure she was looking at him. "You can make everyone feel better right now by being the Captain we all know you are. Strong, courageous... compassionate. Kathryn, everyone relies on you to be there for them. But I want you to know I'll always be here for you. If you ever need to talk about anything, just come to me. Please. You won't be judged."

Kathryn was tired and didn't feel like arguing anymore. She took a step backward and Chakotay dropped his hands. "Thank you, Chakotay. And maybe one day I'll take you up on that."

"Soon, Kathryn. I want to make sure you're all right with this," he said seriously.

Kathryn nodded her agreement.

"See you on the bridge tomorrow?" Chakotay asked.

He had her. Trapped like a mouse with no where to run. Admitting she was loath to return to duty would unerringly prompt him to seek out the Doctor. Knowing he knew he had won she said, "I'll be there."

Chakotay nodded and was gone.

*****

Kathryn returned her gaze to the viewport. How did she get out of this one? If she wasn’t on the bridge at 08:00 tomorrow, someone would be at her door; Tuvok, the Doctor or worse yet, Chakotay himself, confirming his suspicions she was unfit for command. Wandering over to her closet, she pulled her uniform out to examine it. It was immaculate, of course, but she flicked at a speck of lint anyway, dreading the thought of putting it on in less than twelve hours.

When had it come to this? She’d always felt invincible in that uniform; a physical reminder she was surrounded by Starfleet. But she wasn’t. Not out here. It almost seemed as if she were playing at being a Starfleet officer. Going through the motions, and not doing a very good job of that lately.

Where had her confidence gone? Her sense that her decisions had been based on what was best for the greater good? It was almost as if her self-assurance was being leeched away by the void itself. She’d always had doubts, there isn’t a person alive who didn’t second guess his actions from time to time, but this was different. Every decision she made added to her load and she was floundering under the weight. Chakotay was right, of course. Her absence probably had been missed, but she felt her presence would be no more reassuring. What could she tell her crew when she saw their accusing eyes? She was responsible for them being here, in the Delta Quadrant, in the void. How could she sprout useless platitudes and expect them to be comforted by them?

It was late; she needed to get some rest, but sleep was another normal function she was denied. At the very least she should lie down, make the effort. It was the most effort she'd put into anything in days.

*****

Kathryn woke with a start. She hadn't remembered falling asleep, but apparently she had. Her sudden wake-up sent a surge of adrenaline coursing through her body; the most excitement she'd had in days. Calming her rapid breathing, Kathryn realized it wasn't merely the jolt back to reality that had her heart pounding. It was time. Time to put on that uniform and face her accusers. And she deserved it. Every last shred of their contempt.

Her uniform seemed to be a bit looser than the last time she'd worn it, but then she hadn't been eating well. She hadn't been eating much of anything, actually. There was no need; she had no hunger for anything these days be it life or food or even sex. Not that she'd had any of the latter recently, but the thought at least had entered her mind on occasion. Now it had been weeks since she had thought of such things. Even Chakotay's disarming smile hadn't had it's usual effect on her, she realized.

Standing before the mirror, Kathryn ran a brush through her lifeless hair. There were dark circles under her eyes; a testament to her sleepless night.

"You look like hell," she said to her reflection, the head in the mirror nodding in agreement. Kathryn stood before her exit, hesitating just outside the parameters the mechanism used to recognize a presence and open the door.

"You can do this," she mumbled under her breath. Closing her eyes, she stepped forward. The door opened. The hall was empty. Breathing a sigh of relief she headed quickly towards the turbo-lift, hoping to avoid her crew. Looking up she saw Ensign Bristoe approaching.

"'Morning, Captain," he greeted her, huge grin on his face as if he'd won Paris' latest jack-pot. Perhaps he had. It wouldn't surprise her if Paris had been taking bets on when she'd emerge.

Nodding to the happy crewman she said, "Ensign." Three more well-wishers met her before she reached the solitude of the 'lift. Kathryn tried to take comfort in her crew's apparent sincerity, but couldn't quite believe even they could be so accepting of their fate.

"Please state a destination," the computer requested, bringing Kathryn out of her wandering thoughts. Swallowing, she commanded, "Bridge." Moments later the doors retracted and she felt four pairs of eyes on her.

"Captain on the bridge!" Harry called out. It was a bit much, especially under the circumstances, but she passed it off as his way of welcoming her back.

"How've you been, Harry?" She asked conversationally, patting him on the arm.

"Great, Captain! It's good to have you back!"

"Thank you, Ensign." She crossed over to Tuvok. He would be harder to convince she hadn't purposely cut herself off from the ship. Besides his telepathic abilities, was the fact he knew her so well, knew her patterns better than she.

"Tuvok," Kathryn nodded.

"It is good to see you, Captain." She could tell he wanted to say something else, but held his tongue, possibly withholding comments inappropriate for the bridge. Strolling down the ramp to the command deck, Kathryn walked up to Tom, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"What's our heading?" It was a useless question, given that there was nothing besides the sensors to even indicate they were moving.

"On course for the Alpha Quadrant, Captain," Tom answered, giving her a jaunty grin.

"I hear you've created a new holo-program. Captain Proton?" she asked, her eyebrow raising in a look of amusement.

"Well, it's just something Harry and I put together," he said, a slight blush staining his cheeks.

"Maybe you can show it to me some time."

"Sure, Captain. Any time," he answered, praying she wasn't serious.

Kathryn could feel Chakotay's eyes on her, gauging her mood. So far she thought she'd done a pretty credible job of acting normally, but he was the one most of all who needed the assurance she was fine.

Turning around, she stood before the man occupying her chair. "Don't get too comfortable there, Commander. It's not yours yet."

Chakotay rose, making a show of relinquishing his seat, "I'm glad to hear it," he whispered as he brushed passed her to take his own chair.

Kathryn sat down. She'd hoped that once she was on the bridge some of the despondency she'd been feeling lately would disappear, but that was not the case. Instead, it only served to remind her how comfortable she had once been being at the heart of the ship. Now it seemed as though the eyes that once looked to her for leadership, were now looking at her with questions: Was she fit to command this vessel? What crazy stunt would she pull next? Would she sacrifice their lives for the sake of her morals? It was bad enough to lose confidence in herself, but it was even worse when the crew lost it as well.

"Captain, did you hear me?" Kathryn was jarred from her musings by Chakotay's question.

"I'm sorry, Commander, I guess I was thinking about some duties I should accomplish."

Chakotay struggled not to laugh. "Duties? Captain, there are no duties to see to."

Kathryn leaned closer to him and whispered, "Then why was it so damned important I be here today?"

Leaning in himself, he said, "Your presence is the 'shot in the arm' this crew needs, Captain. You may not be able to feel the change in the atmosphere on the bridge today because you've been gone, but the attitude has definitely improved."

Kathryn sat back, trying not to be obvious as she scanned the senior staff. "I'll have to take your word for it, Commander."

"I've taken the liberty of calling a staff meeting, I thought maybe it would help reacquaint you with what's been going on," Chakotay informed her.

"According to you, nothing has been going on," Kathryn returned dryly.

"It's nice to know your sense of humor's in tact," he smiled. "Shall we go to the briefing room? The others should be here in a few minutes. Perhaps you'd like to take a minute to look over some data before they arrive."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay, not sure if the offer was for her benefit, or as a chance to further scrutinize her. Nodding, she rose, staring straight ahead as she entered the conference room. She gazed at the chairs surrounding the table, dreading when they'd be occupied. It was bad enough sharing the room with Chakotay.

"So, is everything really okay?" he asked, as she'd taken up residence staring out of the viewport once more.

"Hmmm? Oh. Yes. I'm fine. I just find it fascinating how different the nothingness looks. I never realized how much light even the most distant stars give off." Kathryn could tell she hadn't fooled Chakotay into thinking her distraction was due to scientific interest in the void, but it didn't hurt to try. Perhaps if she continued to play her part, he'd relax. Back off on his intense examination of her behavior. He always watched her, but this was different. It was like he was expecting her to trip up somewhere.

Just then the doors retracted, admitting Tuvok, Tom and Harry. She knew Seven, the Doctor, B'Elanna and Neelix wouldn't be far behind. After a chorus of "welcome backs," Kathryn started the meeting.

"Thank you all for being so prompt," she started.

"It's not like there was anything holding us up, " Tom joked, causing Kathryn to cringe slightly. Another reminder of where they were and how they'd gotten there.

Kathryn smiled, "No, Mr. Paris, there doesn't seem to be anything pressing at the moment, does there?" The others joined in, looking at each other, exchanging smiles knowing all their departments were experiencing the same lack of activity.

Watching her crew, Kathryn saw them trade their little inside jokes. Oh, they hadn't come right out and specifically blamed her, but the looks said it all. There was nothing to do because she had stranded them in a place where they shouldn't be.

Clearing her throat, Kathryn tried to calm her rising fears and continued. "Well, be that as it may, let's pretend to have a meeting shall we? Perhaps we'll discover there's something here worth investigating." She looked over at Chakotay, more as a gauge of how she was doing than for support. His features remained neutral, giving her no clue as to what was going on in his head.

"Anybody? Anything?" she asked, hoping to God someone would start the ball rolling and take all of the eyes from her.

"I did discover further evidence of Theta radiation," Tuvok offered. Kathryn nearly sighed with relief. At last, a topic to discuss that didn't revolve around her.

"Go ahead, Tuvok," she encouraged.

"It was a minor fluctuation," Tuvok stated. "No doubt the same unexplained residue we discovered earlier." Kathryn's eyes flew to Chakotay's. She didn't have to ask him before he smoothly recovered for her.

"The matter we discussed last night," he reminded her.

"Of course," she replied. She remembered him coming to her quarters and informing her of something, but she didn't remember the details. She had been confident he would handle the matter for her. All she could clearly remember about the evening was him trapping her into being here today. Sitting before her crew who wore their concern for her as a veneer, when in actuality it was blame she saw in their eyes. Especially Harry, who surely missed Earth the most out of all of them. How could he help but equate his current situation with the fact that she was responsible for it? They were consummate actors, all pretending they didn't mind being stuck in this nothingness for two years, besides the sixty-some years they still had to go to reach the Alpha Quadrant.

Their true feelings came out in their jokes, the thinly veiled sarcasm that cut her like a knife. Each jibe another reminder that. . . .

"Captain?" Seven asked. "You seem preoccupied. Is there something on your mind?"

God, even Seven was questioning her! But why not? Hadn't she destroyed her life as well? Ripping her from the collective without her permission? Assuming she knew best, as she had for all of them? Kathryn's hands started to shake. In an effort to regain some measure of control, she clenched them into fists, hiding them beneath the table.

"I was thinking about possible sources of Theta radiation," she stated lamely. Changing the subject, Kathryn addressed B'Elanna. "How are things in Engineering?"

B'Elanna shifted in her seat. "Same as they've been for the past two months," she stated. "Same as they are likely to be for the next twenty-two." The inactivity must be eating away at her, wearing her patience thin.

"B'Elanna," Chakotay warned. Whether it was out of concern for her or her disruption to the meeting, Kathryn didn't know or care. It was the first honest emotion anyone had shown her. She'd rather have their condemnation, up front, where it belonged, instead of masked beneath politeness and deference to her rank.

All of the eyes in the room rested on her, as if waiting for her to comment. Feeling her heart rate increase, she noted she was perspiring more than usual. Her breathing began to match the pace of her heart, her fists clenching so tightly the nails bit into her sweaty palms. When had the dimensions of the room grown so small? She could almost feel the walls contracting. Rationally she knew the room had remained the same but that thought didn't disperse the panic rising within her. Sounds fell upon her ears as if she were under water, but above all were the eyes, staring at her accusingly.

Kathryn jumped to her feet, doing the best to school her voice. "Thank you all for coming. That will be all." Before anyone had a chance to comment she was out of the door.

*****

Chakotay stared at the closing door along with everyone else in the room. Knowing they were waiting for some explanation he said, "She has several reports to catch up on."

"You said that's what she's been doing," Tom said.

Chakotay looked hard at the Lieutenant. "She obviously thought we'd discussed all we needed to."

"You have to admit she's been acting pretty strange, Chakotay," B'Elanna interjected. "First the isolation, now this. . .distraction. It's not her usual behavior."

"This void's affected us all; the Captain's no more immune to it than the rest of us," Chakotay said. "She's had a lot on her mind." He could tell they wanted to debate the issue further but his look stopped them cold. No doubt the speculation would continue later in the mess hall. "All right, people. You heard the Captain. Dismissed."

The senior staff rose, once again exchanging knowing looks.

"Neelix," Chakotay said, halting him before his exit, "I'd like you to try and keep some of the gossip down on this. There's nothing wrong with the Captain other than a mild case of the space blues. I don't want this to get out of hand."

Neelix gave Chakotay a warm smile, patting him on the arm. "Understood, Commander. You can count on me." With that Chakotay exited the briefing room himself, heading toward the ready room door. Kathryn had a hell of a lot of explaining to do.

*****

Kathryn paced the length of her ready room in agitation. She placed a hand on her stomach and tried to control her breathing. She couldn't believe she had done that. Her, the Captain, running away like a child. But isn't that what she had done shortly after entering the void? Run away? Abandoned her crew? No, she told herself. She hadn't abandoned them. She had made it easier for them. Easier in the sense they didn't have to look upon the face of the person responsible for keeping them in the Delta Quadrant against their will.

"We need our captain," Chakotay's words rang through her head. "No," she said softly. "He's wrong." Kathryn stepped up to the upper level and grimaced as her eyes came in contact with the opaque blackness on the other side of the viewport. For being totally devoid of anything, it certainly seemed to be mocking her.

Her door chimed, causing her to jump. She shouldn't have been surprised. It had been expected, hadn't it? She had known it would only be a matter of time before he sought her out. Kathryn turned to face the door, took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

"Come in," she called, wiping her still sweaty palms on the thighs of her uniform. Her doors opened and Chakotay entered. "Commander," she said, stepping down to the lower level again.

Chakotay stood looking at her for a few moments, and Kathryn walked over and sat down behind her desk. She felt uncomfortable under his unwavering gaze. "Yes?" she asked, glancing up at him and finding she couldn't quite meet his eyes.

"Kathryn, are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine, Chakotay," she said, but stood up again, unable to sit still for his scrutiny. She made her way to the replicator and got herself a cup of coffee.

"Why did you run out of the briefing room?"

Kathryn shrugged. "I didn't feel there was anything else to discuss. And I hardly ran out."

"It sure looked like it to me. You have to admit you ended the meeting and took off rather abruptly."

Kathryn cradled her cup in both hands as she walked to her desk again, this time leaning back against it. She stared into the dark amber liquid. "Didn't you see their eyes?" she asked without thinking.

"What about their eyes?" Chakotay asked, coming closer to her.

Kathryn's head jerked up as she realized what she had almost said. She looked at Chakotay, who's eyes had narrowed. "They were bored," she recovered nicely. "Chakotay, I know you called the meeting for my benefit. And I thank you for it, really I do. But I'll get back in the swing of things just fine. You don't need to worry about me."

Chakotay took another step closer and stood directly in front of her. "But I do."

"And I'm grateful," she said quietly. It always amazed her how he could stay by her side no matter what decisions she made. After all, he had been the Maquis she had been sent to hunt down. And yet, he remained faithful.

"Kathryn, are you going to be able to deal with this on your own? I know your feelings didn't disappear over night. Maybe you should talk to the Dr."

"No, Chakotay, I don't want the Dr. to know. I've already begun dealing with it by resuming my duties. And I do see more now what's done is done, so I might as well concentrate on getting us home. And I will get us home," she said determinedly.

Chakotay smiled. "Now that sounds more like our Captain. But remember, if you want to talk, my door is always open."

"I'll remember. Thank you, Chakotay."

"What are you going to do now?"

"After I finish this," she said, indicating her coffee, "maybe I'll check on Seven's latest findings concerning the slip-stream technology."

"Good. If you need me, you know where I'll be," Chakotay said, and began walking away.

"Bridge as usual, Commander?"

"You know it." He gave her one last smile and was gone.

As soon as the ready room doors closed, Kathryn walked around her desk and sank into her chair. She set her cup down, leaned her elbows on the desk and rested her head in her hands. Going back to work was taking more effort than she had thought. She sighed deeply. Was she destined to spend the next sixty years forcing herself to interact with a crew who would rather not have her around? Kathryn gnawed on her bottom lip. No, she vowed to herself while raising her head. She would get them home, and soon. She would do anything in her power to see to it. No matter what it cost her.

*****

Chakotay exited the ready room and made his way to his seat. It actually felt good to sit in the First Officer's chair again. Not that he had minded acting as Captain, he just felt better knowing Kathryn was back. But was she really "back?" Running out of the briefing room was not like her at all, yet she seemed to have a little of her old fire back a few minutes ago. He knew she was constantly under a great deal of pressure, some of it her own making. Maybe she had just been worn out and in much need of a rest. He'd keep his eye on her for a couple of weeks, and hopefully in that time she would realize nobody blames her for being where they are today.

To Part 2





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