Disclaimer on first part of story.
By Orion and Noda
Kathryn, still in her uniform, paced her quarters later that evening. She couldn't get the thought of the Berthold rays, and the possibilities of harnessing some for their benefit out of her head. If only they were more knowledgeable about the effects the radiation would have on the modified shielding. But she didn't want to pass up this opportunity. She couldn't pass it up. She had to do something. She was tired of feeling helpless.
Not that the radiation would get them home faster, but it would keep them from running out of gas in the desert, so to speak. They wouldn't have to look for dilithium around every corner, risking hostile encounters with new aliens. Yes, it would definitely help. And if she could do anything to assist their journey, she would. She'd just have to convince Chakotay it was for the best. "Computer, locate Commander Chakotay," Kathryn said into the air.
"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."
Her mind made up, she headed out of the door and down the corridor. When she arrived at his door, she rang the chime and waited until she heard the muffled, "Come in." Entering his quarters, Kathryn saw Chakotay coming out of his bedroom and stopped halfway into the room. He really looked good in the navy t-shirt and sweatpants he wore. He had bare feet and his hair was damp as if he had just showered.
"Am I disturbing you?" she asked, not being able to keep her eyes from wandering over his chest and arms. It was rare to see his arms free of his uniform jacket, and she liked what she saw.
"No," he said, "I was just going to have a cup of tea. Can I get you anything?" he asked, walking to the replicator.
"No, thank you," she said, watching his movements.
Kathryn still hadn't moved any further into the room. Chakotay turned around with his cup and looked at her. "Kathryn?" he prompted, and her eyes traveled up to his.
"Oh,…yes. You're probably wondering why I'm here. I want to talk to you about the Berthold rays."
Chakotay set his cup on the coffee table in front of the sofa and began walking toward her. "I was under the impression we'd finished that discussion," he said, stopping a few feet in front of her.
"I'm reopening it," Kathryn said, walking to gaze out of the viewport. She could feel Chakotay's eyes following her. "I really think we could do this with a shuttle, Chakotay."
"Kathryn…"
"I know what you're going to say," Kathryn said, interrupting him as she turned around. "It's too risky."
"You know it is."
"But I still think with environmental suits and the proper shielding…"
"No, Kathryn," this time Chakotay interrupted her.
"What?"
"I said no."
"Chakotay, I can not allow this opportunity to pass us by. We have a chance to practically solve our energy problems!"
"I understand what this could mean for Voyager, Kathryn, I really do. But, unfortunately, we are going to let this opportunity pass."
"You can stop playing the part of the Captain now. I'm back, remember?" she said somewhat edgily, standing in front of him. Chakotay placed his hands on her shoulders and, looking into his eyes, she felt she was being torn in two. "How can you not want to give this a try?" she practically whispered.
"It's not that I don't want to try it," he said gently. "It's simply too dangerous. You know it, and I know it. I know you feel we're missing a hell of a chance here, but think about it, Kathryn. We really don't know what would happen if we got too close to the nebula, even with improved shielding on a shuttle." Chakotay paused. "And I know you'd never forgive yourself if something happened, or we lost somebody."
Kathryn's gaze fell to the column of his throat. He was right. She wouldn't be able to live with herself knowing she had sent crew to their deaths on a mission that was unnecessary and a gamble at that, just because she wanted to relieve some of her own guilt.
She pulled away from him and he dropped his arms. "You're right," she said, walking to the viewport again. "It would be unfair to ask anyone to take a risk like that. I guess I got carried away for a moment."
Chakotay moved to stand behind her. "It happens to all of us from time to time," he chuckled as his eyes met hers in the glass in front of them.
Kathryn's mood eased upon meeting his eyes and they watched each other for a moment. "Chakotay," she said. "I never did get to thank you for taking care of things while I was 'out of touch.'"
"Don't mention it, Kathryn. I know you were going through a tough time." He smiled slightly. "Besides," he added, "it's all a part of my job."
Kathryn turned around to face him, only then realizing how closely he had been standing as her eyes came in contact with the top part of his chest a few inches away. "Is part of your job covering for a Captain who's "hiding out," as you put it?" she asked, her eyes slowly reaching his.
"Whatever is required of me," he answered softly.
"Well, I still want to thank you. You're always there for me." She stood on tip toe and kissed him briefly. She intended for it to land on his cheek, but it fell on the corner of his mouth. Kathryn blushed slightly. She wasn't sure what had driven her to kiss him just then.
"You're welcome," he said, staring at her mouth. "Does my job also include making the Captain feel better about a hard decision she had to make?" He reached up and caressed her cheek.
Kathryn licked her lips, which felt like they were on fire from his burning gaze. "It might." She leaned into the palm of his hand and closed her eyes. "Of course, that may be going above and beyond the call of duty." She could tell he had leaned closer. She felt the heat radiating from him.
"I don't mind," Chakotay whispered, his breath brushing her lips a moment before his own did the same. Kathryn felt her heart skip a beat as she reveled in the feel of his mouth on hers. Something she had only allowed herself to dream about, up until now. But not tonight. Her dreams would become reality tonight.
Chakotay shifted and the hand on her cheek now buried itself in her hair. His free arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her against him. Kathryn's arms wound up and around his neck, her fingers sifting through his hair. She parted her lips and Chakotay didn't hesitate to do the same, deepening the kiss as their tongues explored each other's heated caverns.
Chakotay's hands ran along her back to her waist and back up again. On their second pass down, they went further and came to rest on her buttocks and pressed her firmly to him. She could feel the length of his arousal jutting against her and a soft moan escaped her throat.
Kathryn pulled away from him and slowly tugged her arms free of her uniform jacket.
"Kathryn…?" Chakotay said questioningly.
"Shhh…don't say anything, Chakotay," she said, taking his hand and leading him toward his bedroom. She knew he was questioning her decision to follow through with this. And she was sure. With the beginnings of an idea forming in the back of her mind, she didn't know if she'd get the chance again. She wanted to take it now.
As soon as they entered his bedroom, which was dark except for the glow of light from the living room, Kathryn turned around, grabbed the bottom of Chakotay's t-shirt, and pulled it over his head. She feasted her eyes on his smooth chest and stomach before letting her hands glide over the same areas, her fingertips feeling and learning every muscle, every square inch of his warm skin. Leaning forward, Kathryn pressed her lips to the center of his chest. She could feel his heart beating rapidly beneath them. Slowly she slid her mouth across his skin until she reached his nipple. Her tongue flicked out to taste it, and she gave a small smile when it immediately became erect.
Chakotay gripped her hair in his hands and pulled her mouth up to his. As his tongue plundered her mouth, his hands tugged her shirt free of the waistband of her pants before running underneath to caress the soft skin of her back. Kathryn broke the kiss and Chakotay took the opportunity to pull her shirt over her head. The sudden air felt deliciously cool on her heated skin, as she felt the fire inside of her would never burn out. Chakotay reached out and ran the tip of his finger along the front edge of her bra and she began to tremble.
"Are you cold?" he asked.
"Far from it," came her husky response.
"Then lets get you out of the rest of these clothes so you're more comfortable," he said, sitting her down on the end of the bed. He kneeled down in front of her and pulled off one boot and then the other, following with her socks. Chakotay slowly ran his hands up her uniform-clad calves and stilled them just above her knees. He pulled her knees apart and situated himself between them, still kneeling on the floor. As his hands continued their travel up her thighs and around her hips, his head bent forward and he began kissing the white skin of her stomach. Kathryn's hands moved to weave through his hair as she enjoyed the sensations his mouth, so soft and warm, was having on her senses.
Chakotay's lips made their way up her stomach and he pulled his head back slightly to view her cream-colored satin bra. "Nice," he commented.
"Don't tell headquarters," she said grinning, alluding to the fact it wasn't Starfleet issue.
"I wouldn't dream of it," he said before kissing the hollow between her breasts. Kathryn let her hands drift from his hair to run along the bronze skin his back, her nails dragging a light trail up and down.
As Chakotay playfully bit at an erect nipple through the satin, Kathryn's nails dug deeper into his skin. His hands worked their way around her back and unclasped her bra. He backed away pulling the delicate satin with him and discarded it onto the floor. Reaching for her again, he pulled her to him, his mouth claiming the rigid peak it had only just moments ago abandoned. Kathryn gasped as he sucked it between his lips, flicking it with his tongue. Her fingers twined into his hair again as an even stronger heat began to curl in the pit of her stomach, spreading throughout her body.
Kathryn felt drugged, her eyelids heavy. In all of her dreams of Chakotay, she had never imagined feeling so utterly consumed by him. And she found she wanted to be consumed by him. As if sensing her need, Chakotay stood up and removed his sweatpants. Kathryn wasn't sure if she was surprised or not to see he wasn't wearing any underwear, and when he straightened again she was awestruck by the total beauty of the man before her. She gazed upon him, her eyes taking in and assimilating the entire vision that was Chakotay until it was burned indelibly into her mind's eye.
Chakotay smiled down at her and began to reach for her arm as if to pull her up. "Wait," she said, stopping him, and he remained standing where he was. Kathryn's mind was filled with wonder as her hands moved to feel the hard muscles of the thighs only a foot from her. It wasn't as if she had never touched a man before, but this was Chakotay. Chakotay. She wanted to savor this time with him. Her left hand journeyed upward to smooth across his flat stomach and eventually settle on his hip, while her right hand wandered to the base of his arousal. She wrapped him in her hand and it was Chakotay's turn to gasp. Her hand skimmed the velvety smoothness as she caressed the length of him. Leaning forward, Kathryn paused, then kissed the tip briefly before drawing him into her mouth.
Chakotay's hands drove into her hair as if to steady himself. Kathryn, hearing his harsh breathing, knew the power she wielded over him at that moment and basked in it. She pulled her mouth away from him only to come back and run her tongue along the underside of his hardened shaft. This seemed about all Chakotay could take.
"Kathryn, stop," he said hoarsely, grabbing her wrists and pulling away from her. She looked up at him and grinned. "You're wicked," he smiled at her.
"Come here." He crawled onto the bed and helped her move back further to join him. Laying her on her back, he knelt beside her and undid her pants. He hooked his fingers in her waistband, removing her pants and underwear at the same time and tossed them over his shoulder where they joined the rest of their clothes on the floor. Chakotay lay down with her and looked into her eyes. Kathryn felt his gaze penetrate her very soul and she felt lost in the dark coal depths. She knew this meant something to him, as it did to her too, and a split second of guilt raced through her before being chased away by the feel of his hand running up the inside of her thigh. His mouth nuzzled her neck and she bit his shoulder lightly.
"You're beautiful," he whispered against her skin. Kathryn allowed her hands to roam free and feel as much of him as was in her reach. Chakotay's fingers continued their path and stopped when they came in contact with the abundance of wetness he found between her legs. "Kathryn…," he said softly.
Kathryn felt more aroused than she'd ever been in her life and knew Chakotay was surprised by the amount of her full desire. His hand slid along her slick swollen flesh and she began writhing, her breath coming in ragged gasps. "Chakotay," she said, trying to pull him to her to make their union complete.
"Not yet, Kathryn." He began trailing hot kisses down her neck, between her breasts, over her stomach. All the while his hand was performing sinful explorations in another area.
"Now, Chakotay," she breathed heavily, pushing herself upright. He sat up and she pushed him flat on his back. Swinging her left leg over him, she straddled his hips. Leaning forward, Kathryn placed her hands on the bed by his shoulders and kissed him passionately. The depth of emotion in the bruising kiss was so deep it took her breath away. Her heart was pounding and Chakotay gently cupped her breasts with both hands, stroking the hardened points with his thumbs, driving her feral need for him out of control.
She felt his firmness nudging between her legs and she glided along the length a few times until he broke their kiss and spoke. "God, Kathryn! That's enough!" She raised up slightly and positioned herself over him and as she was about to lower herself, Chakotay's hands grabbed her hips and pulled her downward as he plunged inside of her. A moan was ripped from her throat as he filled her inner depths. They remained stationary for a moment, each taking in the view of the other. Souls laid bare and hearts on the line. Chakotay reached up and pulled her head to his until their lips met. This time the kiss was sweet and sensuous as the true value of their shared passion surfaced.
But soon their primal need took over again and they began to move. Slowly at first, and then building in momentum. Chakotay's hands skimmed her body, down her ribcage, past her waist to her hips. One hand left a hip and trailed between her legs to stroke the secret nerves hidden there, now within easy reach. "Oh God, Chakotay," she cried, her hands curled into fists and clutched the blanket on both sides of him. Kathryn could feel a throbbing deep inside of her and she increased the pace of her rocking. Chakotay met her thrust for thrust and brought her to the vortex she was seeking. With her blood rushing in her ears, Kathryn quietly cried out her release, but didn't stop moving until Chakotay joined her shortly afterward with a shudder of his own.
Collapsing on top of him, Kathryn kissed the juncture where his neck met his shoulder. "Kathryn…" Chakotay began.
Kathryn raised her head and put her fingers on his lips. "Not now, Chakotay," she said softly. "Let's just lay here for a while, please."
He nodded, and with the salty taste of him still clinging to her lips, she laid her head down on his chest and tried to catch her breath. Chakotay wrapped his arms around her back and stroked it lightly. Kathryn felt safer and more relaxed then she had in years and began to drift off to sleep. After a few minutes she shivered and Chakotay helped them both get beneath the blankets. He held her to him, her back against his chest, and she could feel the steady beat of his heart lulling her to sleep. The words "I love you" slipped from her lips a moment before unconsciousness took over and she became dead to the world.
Chakotay's arm tightened around her middle at the sound of those words. Had he heard correctly? Of course he had. It wasn't every day Kathryn told him she loved him. He leaned forward and gently kissed her shoulder. He just thought it odd she had wanted to do this now, seemingly out of the blue. He had tried asking her about it but she had only silenced him. Her behavior had seemed rational enough though. Maybe it had been her way of finally admitting her feelings for him to herself and to him. And oh, what a way to admit them, he thought smiling to himself. Perhaps she had truly freed herself from her guilt and had begun the next phase of her life, letting someone love her.
*****
Chakotay's arm reached out, contacting. . .nothing. His sleep-fogged brain told him it wasn't unusual for his bed to be empty, but he distinctly remembered not being alone an hour or so ago.
"Kathryn?" he called out, wondering if she was merely out of sight, somewhere within his quarters.
No response.
"Computer, what time is it?"
"02:34," came the precise reply.
She'd probably gone back to her quarters, Chakotay rationalized. Kathryn wouldn't take the chance of exiting his quarters when there was the possibility of encountering some of the crew. He was a little disappointed she hadn't woken him as she'd left, but concern over disturbing him probably prompted her to slip out quietly.
Smiling to himself, he called out, "Chakotay to Janeway."
He waited a few seconds for her to answer. Maybe she'd gone to sleep upon her return. Torn between wanting to hear her voice and allowing her to sleep, Chakotay tried the comm link again. Still no response. Now he was beginning to worry. Unless something was wrong, she always answered her first hail.
"Computer, locate Captain Janeway."
"Captain Janeway is not on board."
"WHAT?"
Mistaking Chakotay's exclamation as a request for further information, the computer repeated the information. "Captain Janeway is not on board." Chakotay's mind whirled. Not on board? Where in the name of the spirits could she. . . . No, even she wouldn't be that reckless, that foolish, he thought wildly.
"Chakotay to Tuvok!"
"Tuvok here." In his agitated state, Chakotay didn't stop to wonder what he was doing awake at this hour.
"Tuvok, the Captain is missing. I believe she's taken a shuttle to gather the berthold radiation herself."
"I'm all ready on it, Commander. I was alerted of an unscheduled shuttle launch five minutes ago." His tone was even, as always, but Chakotay imagined a hint of censure in the Vulcan's voice, as if Chakotay should have been on top of the situation.
"I was about to contact you," Tuvok continued. "I gather you have evidence which supports this theory?"
"I'll be on the bridge in a minute. Chakotay out." Grabbing his uniform, Chakotay angrily thrust his legs into his pants. What was he going to tell Tuvok? He'd been completely duped by Kathryn? That he didn't recognize her behavior for what it was? A last good-bye? A farewell fuck? He didn't know if he was more upset about the fact she'd used sex to distract him or the fact that she was on a suicide mission.
The turbolift seemed to crawl to the bridge. "Report!" Chakotay called, almost before the doors opened and he vaulted onto the deck.
"The Captain is within range, but she isn't answering any of our hails," an Ensign stationed at Ops informed him.
"What about a tractor beam?" Chakotay asked, descending the ramp to the command deck.
"Unable to get a lock," the young man answered again. At that moment Tom and Harry arrived together, relieving the gamma shift crew.
"Harry, what's preventing the tractor lock?" Chakotay asked.
Taking a few minutes to acclimate himself to the situation, Harry hesitated a moment before answering. "It looks like it's the modified shielding. The properties that repel the berthold rays seem to have the same effect on our tractor beam at this distance. It's just bouncing off. You know, if we could apply this to Voyager's shields we might be resistant to alien. . . ."
"Now is not the time, Harry," Chakotay chided none too gently. He had to get through to Kathryn, convince her to give up this impossible quest. Before she died of radiation poisoning.
"Chakotay to shuttlecraft. Captain, please respond!"
*****
Kathryn switched off communications. She couldn't listen to the sound of his voice, pleading for her to answer. She felt guilty over how she had used him; lulling him into a false sense of security by sleeping with him. That really hadn't been her intention when she'd entered his quarters. But something happened as she'd placed the chaste kiss on his cheek and contacted his mouth. Suddenly she'd realized that this might be the last time she saw him. She couldn't do what she had to, knowing she'd never told him, never showed him how she felt. She didn't have a death wish. In fact she had more to live for now than ever, but she owed him this. Owed them all this chance. It wouldn't make up for putting them here in the first place, but maybe it would help ease their journey. If she could do even that small thing for her crew, she was willing to risk her life. Modifying the shields had been a rather simple, straight-forward task, it was getting away from Voyager undetected that had been the tricky part. For once she hoped her efficient crew was less than observant.
The environmental suit was making it difficult for her to navigate the shuttle, gloved hands feeling clumsy on the control panel. "Computer," Janeway called out. "How long until I'm in range of the nebula's radiation?"
"Fifteen minutes."
Kathryn sighed. Fifteen more minutes for them to attempt to stop her. Fifteen more minutes before she was exposed to the deadly berthold rays. She hoped to God Seven's new shield design and her environmental suit did what they were supposed to do.
*****
Chakotay's fist came down on the console of the captain's chair in frustration. Gods, he never felt so helpless! He didn't have time to modify another shuttle, and he couldn't risk taking the ship in. The best he could do was wait for her to complete her mission, and pray to the Spirits that she hadn't over-exposed herself to the radiation.
Pacing the deck before their chairs, Chakotay gave a fair impression of the Captain in a crisis situation. "Anybody have any ideas?" he ventured, eyes touching the assembled senior staff. The bridge remained silent, gazes averted as Chakotay looked at them. He knew they felt as helpless as he did; in some bizarre way, it was a comfort. "Tom, move us in as close as possible. I guess we just have to hope she comes to her senses before it's too late."
*****
The nebula began to fill the shuttle's viewscreen as Kathryn readied the vessel for berthold collection.
"Radiation reaching dangerous levels," the computer warned.
"Noted. Computer, disengage audio warning."
Deploying the collectors, Kathryn watched the radiation indicator on her control panel in fascination. Every second another diode illuminated, causing the meter to climb at a steady rate. She was beginning to feel nauseous, her vision swimming before her. "Just a few more minutes. . . ." she mumbled, as if drugged. She knew she was going to pass out before the collection was complete. Dammit! To be so close only to be stopped by her body's weakness!
The collectors weren't quite half-full yet. She was losing consciousness. Fighting to stay alert just a few minutes more, Kathryn busied herself laying in a return course. If she didn't make it back to the ship, the shuttle would. Even with the small amount of radiation she'd gathered, she'd given Voyager a better chance of survival, even if her own demise was now imminent.
She really hadn't counted on the effects of the berthold rays being so immediate. To think it had only been minutes. B'Elanna better have one hell of a containment field in place when she used the radiation to reinitialize the dilithium. Too bad she wouldn't be there to see if Seven's theory could be applied to Federation vessels. Somehow that thought didn't distress her as much as the thought that she'd left Chakotay with the impression the only reason she'd made love with him was to distract him. She thought of leaving a log entry, but what would she say? She was sorry? Sorry for using him? Sorry she was reckless? Sorry she was dead?
Just before the blackness enveloped her, Kathryn heard a voice she barely recognized as her own; she couldn't recall forming the words. "Computer, set course for Voyager. Top speed."
*****
"Commander!" Harry cried. "She's turned around, heading back toward the ship!"
"Try to hail her again!" Chakotay exclaimed.
"Still no answer," Harry informed him.
"As soon as you can get a lock on her, beam her directly to sickbay, and get a tractor beam on the shuttle. B'Elanna," Chakotay said, turning to look at the engineer standing behind the captain's chair on the upper deck, "if she's collected any berthold radiation that ship is going to need to be held in a containment field."
"I'm on it," B'Elanna acknowledged, fingers working the panel before her. "I recommend we evacuate the shuttle bay just to be safe."
"Agreed. Tuvok?" Chakotay looked to the Vulcan for his assistance in clearing the bay. Tuvok simply nodded as he initiated evacuation procedures.
"Chakotay to sickbay."
"Sickbay," the Doctor replied.
"Doctor, we'll be beaming the Captain there in a matter of minutes, prepare for berthold radiation poisoning."
"Berthold radiation poisoning? What. . . ."
"I don't have time for this now, Doctor!" Chakotay cut him off angrily. The minutes were dragging like hours as he waited for the shuttle to be within range. "Harry?" he asked, worry creasing Chakotay's brow.
"Almost," Harry answered, drawing out his sentence as if he were drawing the shuttle closer with his pronunciation of the word. "Got her!" he cried. "She's in sickbay!"
"Thanks, Harry," Chakotay said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Good job everyone. Get that shuttle into the bay and then let's get the hell out of here. I'll be in sickbay."