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As a child I watched a cartoon series called Captain Pugwash. I noticed nothing rude about it. While I don’t remember, I have it on good authority that it had characters called Seaman Staines and Master Bates. This program was shown for years and is a prime example of what might be called the “didn’t they realise?” factor.

Warning: this page includes spoilers for the shows described.

Auntie Beeb

While (from what I have heard), perhaps a little more liberal than much of the American channels, the BBC still has its rules. Certain words can only be said at certain times, that kind of thing. However, as with any elderly relative, she’s sometimes caught napping.

The Vicar Of Dibley

My favourite episode of this programme features a string of fist-fucking jokes. The episode’s first line (if my memory serves me) is something along the lines of “I had my hand up her to the shoulder”. It turns the character is talking about examining a sheep. Later, the Vicar (played by Dawn French), and her dim assistant are looking at a tombstone. The assistant reads the inscription as including the phrase “the fister of the above”. The Vicar explains to her that in Old English spelling, ‘s’ was represented by a letter close to the modern ‘f’, so the word is actually ‘sister’. In the final scene the assistant has to read out a lesson in church. The intended text is “I will sit on the right hand of the lord, and he will be my succour”. But guess what, she’s reading it from a bible with the same Old English spelling as the tombstone…Work it out.

This episode was originally shown at 8pm on BBC1. That’s primetime family viewing.

Red Dwarf

I’m not totally sure if this really qualifies. After all it is shown after the watershed (9pm, after which children are expected to be in bed). However I have a strong suspicion that the word ‘smeg’ which is used frequently, was assumed to be a harmless, made up term. It’s not. It’s actually slang for the nasty stuff men get under their foreskins if they don’t wash properly, otherwise known as dick cheese.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Looking For Par'mach In All The Wrong Places

The station is visited by the Ferengi Quark’s wife (in a marriage of convenience), a Klingon from a high-ranking family. Worf immediately falls for her, but his advances are rebuffed, because he comes from a disgraced family. Quark, meanwhile, has decided he wants to consummate his marriage. In a plot reminiscent of Cyrano DeBergerac, he enlists Worf’s aid in wooing the Klingon woman. In the end Quark has to prove his worth in combat. They use technological means to allow Worf to control Quark’s movements. Worf is aided in this by Jadzia Dax. The tactic works, and Quark gets his wish. Meanwhile Jadzia, who has been interested in Worf all along, gets him to look at her by fighting him. This leads on to Klingon style foreplay involving strangulation. In the final scene, all four are shown attending sickbay the next morning. They are all visibly injured (up to and including broken bones, as dialogue makes clear), and all look very happy.

This was shown on BBC2 at 6pm, just after the end of Children’s TV.

More Trek

Of course, Looking For Par'mach is hardly the first Trek episode (or the last) to dwell on alien sexual practices. The original series (which I admit I have hardly watched since I was a child), had an irrepressibly randy Captain who was forever chatting up the ladies and/or getting his shirt ripped off. It also introduced us to the Vulcans, a species who usually act like monks, but have a little secret they try and keep quiet. Once every seven years go into lust hyperdrive so bad they can die if they don't get it (or failing that, at least get to beat the shit out of someone). This condition of Ponn Farr was first shown in the episode 'Amok Time', in which it was resolved by Kirk and Spock fighting, which could be argued to be the starting point for the whole Slash Fiction Genre, spawning hundreds of Kirk/Spock stories.

The idea was next covered on TV in the Voyager episode 'Blood Fever', which is possibly the sexiest Trek episode ever, involving Vulcan and Klingon kinks. The Vulcan Vorik starts to go into Ponn Farr, and makes a pass at the half-Klingon B'Elanna Torres. She breaks his jaw for his trouble, but not before he's made enough of a telepathic bond to pass the condition onto her.

Vorik is left with a big problem, and nothing to do about it (though the Doc does his best). Meanwhile, B'Elanna's acting weird on an away mission, finally biting Tom Paris on the cheek hard enough to draw blood (a gesture of affection for a Klingon apparently). Before long the two of them are trapped underground together, with B'Elanna down to her vest and only stopping just short of pinning him to the floor. Tom resists, though he wants her really, he also wants to be sure she really wants him too!

By the time they reach the surface though, it is clear that B'Elanna is becoming very ill, and Tom realises he has to 'help her' (poor boy...). They disappear into a patch of bushes while the rest of the away team wait outside, in hearing range. B'Elanna pins Tom, then when she asks him too, he pins her (so that's why she didn't pin him down earlier, she wants him to act dominant...) They are only moments away from doing it, when Vorik pulls Tom off, and demands to fight for 'his' woman. B'Elanna claims the right to defend her own honour, and the Klingon and the Vulcan beat shit out of each other until they feel better.

In fact this ending is the reason why Par'mach still gets my 'didn't they realise?' prize. While the Ponn Farr is undeniably kinky, in these episodes nobody actually gets 'it'. Still, there is hope that the Voyager character Tuvok may yet be shown going through Ponn Farr, and maybe it will be third time lucky for the Vulcan race.

I'd also like to give an honourable mention to 'Dark Frontier' for its SM subtext. It's subtle (too subtle to be noticed by those who don't get the conventions, and quite likely totally unintentional). Basically, Janeway and the Borg Queen both want to be Seven's Daddy, and have a topping contest over her. In the end Janeway wins, and the last scene shows her ordering Daddy's girl into bed (a scene in which anyone can see the flirtatiousness, even if they don't get the SM stuff!).

Film

Free Willy

It would have been better if someone had warned the makers of this film as soon as they first named the whale, that in England ‘willy’ is slang for penis. Even worse, it’s the term of choice for many parents when talking to their male children, so every child knows it. But someone really should have warned them before they compounded it by using the advertising line “Free Willy - How far would you go for a friend?”.

More TV

So Graham Norton

This program goes out of its way to stretch the limits. For example showing film clips of a dancing penis, and a man getting his head stuck in an elephant. A standard feature is to show celebrity guests a bizarre website, then go on to phone the makers or advertisers. While normally I wouldn’t count this program – the makers know just what they are doing – in one special case things took a definite step into ‘didn’t they realise’ land.

The special guest was none other than Joan Collins. Graham introduced her to a site made by a man who was a fan of ladies in long gloves, which included a picture of Joan, in gloves, of course. He then phoned the maker. While the man was initially reluctant to believe he was really talking to Ms Collins, he soon warmed up. In fact, as Joan went on to (very flirtatiously) describe the gloves she was wearing, and how she was taking them off, the man warmed up to the point where he was having difficulty talking. Graham (to his credit), cut him off rather hastily.

Yes, I can confirm that he was, without doubt, while talking to Joan Collins on national television, having a wank.

Joan has since returned to appear on the show again. Graham presented her with a novelty vibrator in the shape of a tongue. Also on the show was a lady with the trick of firing ping-pong balls. This was of course done with her back to the camera (British TV is still not THAT open). Joan quite blatantly leant over in her seat for a better view...

Catchphrase

In this quiz program competitors have to guess a phrase from a picture clue. In one round the whole picture (an animated cartoon) is not revealed at once, but square by square as the contestants take turns to guess. In one case though, someone really should have checked what this partial revelation would look like…

As the squares were taken away, they revealed:

A man, with his hand in his crotch area, moving up and down and holding a red knob.
That the man was raising his top hat and winking.
A snake looking at the first figure and smiling.

At this point the contestants admitted defeat, and it was revealed that the red knob was in fact the head of a cane. The intended phrase was, if I remember correctly, ‘Snake Charmer’.

In Praise of Fannies

To the Americans 'fanny' is a fairly innocent term for the behind. You can fall on your fanny, or give your partner a slap on one in polite company. Unfortunately (sorry to tell you this Americans) the English and Australians are by this point laughing their heads off, because in these countries 'fanny' means something a little further forward and specifically female.

So here's the start of what I hope will be a fine collection of fannies.

The Nanny

Thanks to Sybil for this one. Apparently this is an American series currently being shown in Australia ('Jewish lower middle class woman, takes nanny job in posh Brit's New York home'). It has a lovely theme tune recounting how the Nanny is 'out on her fanny'.

So Graham Norton (Again)

In a recent program one of the guests was Sylvester Stalone's mother, Jackie. Jackie, for those of you who have never seen her, is a bit of a character and makes her living as a psychic. Apparently she has just released a book detailing her own method of telling peoples' fortunes by looking at photocopies of their rears. She calls these pictures 'fanny-grams'. I just hope she makes sure she is understood before asking anyone in the Commonwealth to send her one…

As an after note, our Graham did try and explain to her. Unfortunately he used the term 'front bottom' (a polite term over here), which led to Jackie declaring very seriously "We don't have front bottoms in America". The mind boggles.

A Very Respectable Cookery Show...

Many years ago British TV cookery was ruled by a very respectable couple, the Craddocks. Or rather by the rather fierce lady, with her henpecked husband in tow. This couple were named Fanny and Johnny (the latter being a slang term for condom....)

This made for some interesting dialogue, such as (from Fanny) "Here comes Johnny with the cream." or, (from Johnny), "May all your doughnuts turn out looking like Fanny's!"

Star Trek (R) is a registered trademark of Paramount Pictures registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office.

Star Trek: Voyager is a trademark of Paramount Pictures.

Other programs and films are copyright of the BBC, Channel 4 television and other companies. My apologies that these notes are, as yet, incomplete.