LIBRARY AT MARIANAT

Scene Five

A chorus line of KILLER PANDAS dances in front of a forest backdrop.
PANDAS A panda must live,
A panda must be!
A panda must give,
A panda must pee.

A panda must glow,
A panda must kiss,
A panda must grow,
A panda must piss.

A panda must stand proud and tall,
A panda must be true,
A panda has to give his all
And do what a panda has to do.

That’s why a panda’s got to use his skill---
And feel a special panda thrill
When his destiny he doth fulfill---
A panda must live,
A panda must live,
A panda must live
To kill!

(THEY pull out their weapons as THEY dance off and
make howling noises. DEEDELUS, MILLIAMA, SOMA
and MAXIMUSH enter from stage right.)
MILLIAMA Did you see that? Did you see them schluckers? They were singing and dancing!

SOMA

Schlit! All I want is some funga. We better get to that schluckin’ place soon.

MAXIMUSH

If only we could find a member of the scientific community---if anyone would know, it would be a member of the scientific community. (Backdrop rises and we are on a curious plain. TWO ARCHEOLOGISTS are digging with shovels. The first is a middle-aged male, KARKALENE. The second, a younger female, FRIMKEY. THEY are extracting articles from the ground---articles covered in dirt. As THEY scrape away the debris we see perfect examples of three different sized plastic Tupperware Thatsa bowls.) FRIMKEY What an incredible find!

KARKALENE

It must be Netherine.

FRIMKEY

Netherine? Panda crap. It’s Gangacine.

KARKALENE

What are you talking about? The ore used is pure Netherine.

FRIMKEY

This particular ore, plastenimite formed into a circle---it’s Gangacine, I tell you.

KARKALENE

Oh, it’s plastenimite all right, but it’s Netherine plastenimite.

FRIMKEY

Gangacine!

KARKALENE

OK, we’ll test it. (HE pulls out a tiny instrument from his pocket, places it next to the Tupperware object. We hear a slight ringing noise.)
KARKALENE

Look. Netherine!

FRIMKEY

That’s your eonnometer.

(SHE extracts an identical instrument from her pocket, pries the object away from him and puts it through the same test.) FRIMKEY Just as I thought. Gangacine.

KARKALENE

Your eonnometer schlucks.

FRIMKEY

No. Your eonnometer schlucks.

KARKALENE

Idiot!

FRIMKEY

Schlucker!

(As FRIMKEY picks up her shovel and is on the verge of bashing in Karkalene’s head, DEEDELUS, MILLIAMA, SOMA and MAXIMUSH enter from the right.)

MAXIMUSH

Ah, fellow scientists! If anyone would know the whereabouts of that Library---what was its name?---these would.

DEEDELUS

Marianat.

MAXIMUSH

Marianat.

KARKALENE

You got to be kidding!

MAXIMUSH

I do?

FRIMKEY

The Library at Marianat was a figment of Manakadoo’s imagination.

DEEDELUS

Who’s Manakadoo?

KARKALENE

The great Netherine philosopher who claimed there had once been a continent called Amerikus. He wrote, among other things, that it contained a Library with all the knowledge of the world.

FRIMKEY

All these years people have been trying to find some scientific proof of this lost continent. And, of course, there is none.

KARKALENE

A description appears only in Manakadoo---and no where else.

FRIMKEY

Obviously he was writing a parable, but some non-scientific people took him seriously. Can you imagine? They’re actually convinced that once the sun rose in the east and set in the west. And if you believe that, I got stock in the Clittsburgh bridge.

KARKALENE

They’re the same people who believe that in the Gangacine period, the solar system was different than it is today.

FRIMKEY

Which is all utter pandarot. Everyone knows there’s always been the Sun, the Moon, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto and Schwartzkopf.

KARKALENE

(with a snicker)
So if you can find the Lost Continent of Amerikus, you can find the Lost Library at Marianat.

MAXIMUSH

What did I tell you about the scientific community?

SOMA

No funga!?

MILLIAMA

No way of ridding the world of these schluckers?!

FRIMKEY

Watch your language!

MAXIMUSH

Oh, she didn’t mean you.

DEEDELUS

But all through my childhood, my mother kept telling me I’d find all the answers to everything at the Library at Marianat. I’m sure my mother never even heard of Manakadoo.

KARKALENE

You’re a coner. No wonder.

DEEDELUS

What do you mean by that?

KARKALENE

Coners, bleh!

DEEDELUS

Yeah? Well, what are you?

FRIMKEY

(baring her chest)
Isosceles, of course!

MAXIMUSH

All us members of the scientific community are Isoscoleses.

(HE bares his chest, as does KARKALENE.)

FRIMKEY, KARKALENE & MAXIMUSH

Isosceleses---
How our intellect seizes
All the mental trapezes---
We are quite nonpareil!
Isosceleses---
All the birds and the beeses
Know Isosceles pleases---
We are smarter than hell!
You can gladly stone a
Cuber or a coner,
Or go and dent a
Stupid old crescenter---
But don’t dare to tangle
With a perfect triangle!
With us
Isosceleses

KARKALENE Know the temperature when it freezes,

MAXIMUSH

What’s wrong with a lung when it wheezes,

FRIMKEY

And the moon’s made of what kind of cheeses----

ALL THREE

That’s us,
The Isosceles! (At the end of the number, FRIMKEY sees MILLIAMA holding one of the Tupperware pieces and turning it every which way.) FRIMKEY What are you doing? Put that down!

MILLIAMA

Just wondering what the shlucker was used for.

(FRIMKEY grabs it, places it upside down on her head.)

FRIMKEY

Obviously a headdress.

KARKALENE

In the Netherine period, people had three different sized heads.

FRIMKEY

Gangacine.

MILLIAMA

Looks like schlit.

FRIMKEY

Yeah, well can you imagine what that crap you’re wearing will look like in three thousand years?

MILLIAMA

A helluva lot better than that schlit you’re wearing. (Actually what they’re both wearing is not too dissimilar, except that it looks better on Milliama.) MAXIMUSH Please, ladies. Well, it appears that our search is over. In other words, that search is over. Now my suggestion is we search for something else. I mean, what we search for isn’t really important, is it?

DEEDELUS

(close to tears)
But it is. My mother’s ashes…I promised her… (MAXIMUSH places his arms about him and his crotch as close to Deedelus’ thigh as he can.) MAXIMUSH Dear boy, your mother doesn’t know. She’s gone to Beast heaven…

KARKALENE

Feast heaven.

MAXIMUSH

Whatever. The heaven isn’t important. It’s the going.
(aside)
And the cumming. (MILLIAMA has moved downstage left toward a clump of bushes. SHE begins pulling out some of the overgrown shrubbery.) SOMA What the schlit you doing? (Now we see a small dilapidated arrow pointing to the left which reads LIBRARY AT MARIANAT.)

DEEDELUS

You see!

MILLIAMA

So much for the schluckin’ scientific community.

KARKALENE

Someone is pulling your codpiece.

FRIMKEY

Some joker planted that there.

KARKALENE

You’re on a wild moose chase.

(Music of "Isosceleses" builds in the background. SOMA directs DEEDELUS, MILLIAMA and MAXIMUSH offstage to where the arrow is pointing.)

FRIMKEY

Schlit. I hate unscientific people!

BLACKOUT