Harry and Gretel

Once upon a time there was a little starship named Voyager that was stranded in the Delta Quadrant. On this ship lived Captain Janeway, First Officer Chakotay, and their crew. They were very poor and were always getting chased out of the nicer parts of the quadrant by large, heavily armed vessels. Then one day, as they were cruising the Delta Quadrant ghettos, Captain Janeway could no longer procure daily sustenance. She called Ensign Harry Kim to her ready room to fix the replicator but he could not help her.

"What do you mean I'm out of replicator rations!" Captain Janeway snarled, grabbing Harry by the jacket and pinning him against the bulk head. "I haven't had my coffee yet!"

"I'm sorry, Captain!" yelped Harry. He tried weakly to break the Captain's grip. "I warned you about this last week before you hosted the Oktoberfest party. Beer and sausage are very hard to replicate you know - Urp!"

The captain had shifted her grip to Harry's throat, lifting him off the ground. In a demonic voice she growled, "I need that coffee now, Ensign!"

The doors swished open behind them and another crew member, Gretel of Nine, marched in. Upon seeing her, the Captain let Harry drop, gasping, to the floor. Assuming a pleasant expression, Captain Janeway turned to greet her, "Good morning, Gretel!"

"My designation is Seven of Nine." Gretel grated in a low voice.

"Could you play along for once please, Seven!" snapped the Captain. She shook her head and fixed another insincere smile on her face. "Now, how about buying your favorite Captain a cup of coffee? I hear you have plenty of replicator rations."

"Ten thousand, six hundred, and forty-seven replicator rations, to be precise," stated Gretel of Nine. "But I can not comply. I am saving up for a Miata."

At this, Captain Janeway flew into a rage but, Harry had recovered enough to scramble to his feet and hustle Gretel of Nine out of the room. Behind them, they heard the Captain howl, "Chakotay! My ready room! Now!"

"Poor guy," Harry whispered to Gretel of Nine as they watched Chakotay enter the room with a grim look on his face.

In truth, Chakotay wasn't afraid of the Captain. He was just upset because he had left his "naughty school boy" outfit in his quarters. With a sigh of regret, he asked, "What can I do for you, Captain?"

"I'll tell you what, Chakotay," answered the Captain. "Tomorrow morning I want you to take Harry and Gretel down to that uninhabited planet we just passed and walk into the forest. You'll leave them alone to investigate the local flora and fauna. Take the shuttle back without them and they won't be able to get back to Voyager. Then I can use Gretel's rations to replicate my coffee for the next 55,000 light years."

"Why take Harry too?" questioned Chakotay. "He hasn't got many replicator rations."

"That little suck-up is starting to get on my nerves," said Captain Janeway persuasively, stepping in close to run her fingers up his biceps. "Are you in?"

"I don't know, Captain." said Chakotay uncertainly, his eyes on her fingers. "Our ratings might drop if I get rid of Gretel and I really like the way Harry does my laundry."

"Did I mention I have a new game for us to play?" the Captain purred seductively. She ripped off her uniform to reveal a short leather dress complete with thigh high boots and brass breast plates. "I call it, The Warrior Princess Takes a Slave. You'll be the conquered villager... "

"I'm in," said Chakotay.

Harry and Gretel had remained outside the Captain's ready room and had heard what the Captain said to Chakotay. Gretel of Nine wept bitterly and said, "All is over with us now. I should have assimilated that bitch when I had the chance."

"Don't cry, Gretel," said Harry tenderly, for he loved her quite as a brother loves a sister - meaning they'd never had sex. "Don't cry! I will find some way out of it."

"Oh, I feel so much better now," Gretel of Nine said sarcastically as Harry hurried away.

While the Captain and Chakotay were distracted, Harry slipped down to the mess hall. The mess hall lights were shining as bright as the moon and the freshly washed sporks shone like, well... freshly washed sporks. Harry crept over and put as many into a back pack as he could.

Then he went to Gretel of Nine and whispered, "Take comfort, Gretel, and go to sleep. I have taken care of everything."

"Why are you whispering?" she questioned. "We're alone in cargo bay 2."

"You have no sense of drama, Gretel!" Harry complained as he left the cargo bay.

Gretel of Nine called after him, "And I don't sleep, I regenerate in my Borg alcove!"

The next day, Chakotay called them to the shuttle bay and said, "Harry, Gretel, I want you to accompany me on a mission to that uninhabited planet we passed yesterday. You'll be doing research on the local flora and fauna. Don't bring any tricorders, communicators, phasers, or homing beacons."

"You want us to conduct a scientific study without equipment of any kind?" Gretel of Nine said incredulously.

"Yeah, it will be more... er, natural that way," he said, looking suspiciously at Harry's back pack. "What's in the bag, Ensign?"

"Would you believe it's my lunch?" answered Harry. He picked up the back pack and the sporks inside jangled together noisily.

"Oh yeah, sure!" said Chakotay with a relieved smile. Gretel of Nine rolled her eyes as they entered the shuttle.

They flew the little shuttle down to the planet and Chakotay lead them deep into the woods. When they reached the middle of the forest, Chakotay said, "Stay here Harry and Gretel. I am going on further to collect a sample and, when I have finished, I will come back and fetch you."

So, Harry and Gretel of Nine stood in the forest and waited for Chakotay to return. Eventually, they grew bored of playing "Rock, Scissors, Paper" and sat down. Then their eyes began to close and they were soon fast asleep.

When they awoke it was darkest night. Gretel of Nine began to cry, "How shall we ever get out of the wood? This bites!"

But, Harry comforted her and said, "Wait a little while until the moon rises and then we will find our way. I left of trail of sporks to guide us back to the shuttle."

"Sporks?" said Gretel of Nine. "Your big plan is to follow a trail of sporks?"

"Everybody's a critic," muttered Harry.

When the full moon rose, Harry and Gretel of Nine got up and walked on, guided by the sporks which glittered in the moonlight like, well... sporks. The walked the whole night and, at daybreak they found themselves back at the shuttle. Harry spiked his back pack triumphantly and began to dance around the clearing doing the cabbage patch and shouting, "Who's da man!".

Ignoring Harry, Gretel of Nine walked over the entrance of the shuttle and looked inside. She asked, "Where's Chakotay?"

Just then, Chakotay burst out of the bushes looking disheveled and a little wild eyed. He had become lost on the way back to the shuttle. He would not of found the shuttle at all if he had not come across a mysterious trail of sporks through the woods. Chakotay was annoyed to see Harry and Gretel of Nine but, when he thought of how angry the Captain was going to be with him, he found his good cheer returning.

"Why is he smiling like that?" Gretel of Nine whispered to Harry. "It's giving me the creeps."

"Don't ask," said Harry with a shudder. The three returned to Voyager.

Not long afterwards, the ship was again in great destitution, and the Captain could not get her daily sustenance. That day Harry and Gretel, who were "accidentally" monitoring communications in the Captain's ready room, heard her say to Chakotay, "I have used up all my replicator rations again. I have enough for a half cup of decaf, and then I will be at the end of everything! Harry and Gretel must go so that I may have my coffee. You will have to take them farther into the forest this time so that they won't be able to find their way back. There is nothing else to be done."

Chakotay took it much to heart and said, "Do I have to? Harry really knows how to spit shine a pair of boots."

But the Captain would not listen to a word he said and, as Chakotay had already given in the first time, he had to do so the second time as well. Plus, Captain Janeway proposed a new game for them to play - The CEO and the Hostile Takeover. Chakotay got to be the Executive Secretary.

Harry quickly switched of the communications line to the ready room as the Captain's shouting had started to get loud. He looked up to find the entire bridge crew staring at him. Face red with embarrassment, he turned to Gretel of Nine and whispered, "Don't worry, I will find some way out of this."

"Whatever," said Gretel of Nine with a shrug. She reached over and switched the communications line to the ready room back on. Listening carefully, she pulled out a PADD and started to take notes.

While the Captain and Chakotay were distracted, Harry slipped down to the mess hall again. But, there were no more sporks to be found. Even so, the mess hall lights were shining brightly as the moon and the freshly scrubbed pleeka rinds shone like newly washed sporks. Harry stooped down and put as many into a back pack as he could.

The next day, Chakotay called them to the shuttle bay and said, "Harry, Gretel, I want you to accompany me on a mission to that uninhabited planet. You'll be doing research on the local flora or fauna. Don't bring any tricorders- "

"Communicators, phasers, or homing beacons, yadda, yadda, yadda." interrupted Gretel of Nine. "We know the drill."

"Are you sure you want to go, Commander? Harry said hopefully. "You're walking kind of funny today. Maybe you need to see the doctor."

"I'm fine," grunted Chakotay, wincing as he eased himself into the pilot's seat. The role of Executive Secretary had been particularly demanding. "Let's go."

They flew the little shuttle down to the uninhabited planet and landed in a clearing. As they entered the forest, Chakotay turned to Harry and said, "You'd better not be carrying any sporks in that back pack, Ensign."

"Oh no, sir!" Harry exclaimed. He opened up his back pack to display the contents. "It's just pleeka rinds for our lunch."

"Ugh," said Chakotay, looking kind of green. "I guess that's okay."

Chakotay walked into the forest with Harry and Gretel of Nine following obediently behind. As they walked, Harry would reach into his back pack and throw the pleeka rinds onto the ground. When they had walked far beyond where they had ever been before, Chakotay stopped.

Again Chakotay said, "Stay here Harry and Gretel. I am going on further to collect a sample and, when I have finished, I will come back and fetch you."

So, Harry and Gretel of Nine sat in the forest and waited for Chakotay to return. They tried eating what was left of the pleeka rinds but even Harry didn't like it if it wasn't in a casserole. They grew tired, their eyes began to close, and they were soon fast asleep. The evening passed, but Chakotay did not come to fetch them.

It was quite dark when they woke up, and Harry tried to cheer Gretel of Nine. He said, "Wait a bit, Gretel, until the moon rises, and then we can see the pleeka rinds which I scattered to show us the way back to the shuttle."

"Pleeka rinds? You used pleeka rinds?" Gretel of Nine asked. "Didn't it occur to you that some of the creatures in this forest might eat them?"

"Well, uh... no. I guess I hadn't thought of that." Harry said crossly. "Next time why don't you come up with the freakin' plan!"

When the moon rose they started out, but they found no pleeka rinds, for all the thousands of creatures in the forest had picked them up and eaten them.

Harry said to Gretel of Nine, "Don't worry, we shall soon find the way."

"Oh sure, you're a regular Magellan," Gretel of Nine snapped. She kept stumbling over roots in the dark, her high heels were sinking into the mud, and she was fairly sure the night air was making her hair frizzy. She was not amused.

They walked the whole night and all the next day from morning to night, but they could not find the shuttle. When they woke the next day, they started to walk again, but they only got deeper and deeper into the woods. If no help came they would surely perish from hunger.

"Hey, Gretel," said Harry, desperately. "Are you sure you didn't pack a sandwich or anything?"

"Does this outfit look like it has pockets?" she said, gesturing brusquely to her skin tight cat suit. "Or maybe you think I've got one wrapped up in my hair or something?"

"Well, there does seem to be a lot of things stuck in your hair." Harry admitted. "I thought it was worth asking."

Gretel of Nine growled with frustration and pushed past him.

At midday, they saw a beautiful snow-white bird sitting in a tree. It sang so beautifully that they stood still to listen to it.

"I think we can catch it," whispered Harry. "That bird's big enough to feed us both."

Harry and Gretel of Nine gave chase but the bird always stayed just out of reach. They followed they bird until it settled down on the roof of a strange little structure. They crept closer to see what it was.

Gretel of Nine gasped in surprise, "It's a small Borg cube! And it appears to be made of some kind of baked good!"

Harry lifted his nose to the wind and inhaled deeply. "Smells like gingerbread to me. Last one eating is a rotten egg!"

Harry ran towards the cube with Gretel of Nine following him as quickly as she could in four inch heels. Harry reach up and broke off a piece of the gingerbread armor plating and tasted it. Gretel munched on a piece of the licorice whip conduit. Soon they heard a chorus of a million, monotone voices saying:

Harry and Gretel of Nine answered:

And they went on eating without disturbing themselves. Harry, who found the pixie stick cannon turrets very good, broke off a large piece for himself, and Gretel of Nine pushed a whole round peppermint portal out and sat down on the ground to enjoy it. She looked up at Harry and asked, "Do you think this cube is low-fat?"

All at once the door opened and an old Borg queen, supporting herself on a crutch, came hobbling out. Harry and Gretel of Nine were so startled that they dropped what they held in their hands.

"Dang," said Harry. "I was just getting to the frosted part too."

But the old Borg queen only shook her head and said, "Ah, dear humans, who brought you here? Come in and stay with me. Resistance is... er, You will come to no harm."

She took them by the hand and tried to lead them into the cube. But, Gretel of Nine balked and would not enter. She said, "I do not understand. You are Borg, a queen. Why are you living on an uninhabited planet in a cube made of pastry?"

"Once I was queen of all Borg, but I made a tactical error. I assimilated the Good Ship Lolly Pop." the Borg queen said sadly. She gestured toward the gingerbread cube, "This is what became of my cube. The Borg considered me unfit to lead the collective and left me on this planet. Now, come inside. I've got a nice apple pie for you."

Harry started to follow her, only to be stopped by Gretel of Nine. Gretel did not trust the Borg queen although she appeared to be friendly. Gretel of Nine was right too, for despite her sugary demeanor, she was still a Borg queen who was on the watch for strangers in her forest. She had built a special machine out of marzipan to assimilate them and turn them into Ginger-drones. Anyone who walked through the door of the cube would actually be entering the marzipan machine and would instantly be assimilated.

But, Gretel of Nine had seen her intentions and said, "I don't know how to get into a cube. How am I to manage it?"

"Are you kidding, Gretel?" Harry said. "You used to be a- "

"Shut up, Harry!" Gretel of Nine hissed. She smiled at the queen who looked confused at their exchange.

"Silly girl," chided the Borg queen. "The opening is big enough. You can see that I could get into it myself."

The Borg queen hobbled up and stuck her head into the doorway. But, Gretel of Nine gave her a push which sent the queen right in, and then she banged the door shut and bolted it.

"Ow! Ow! Stop poking me!" the queen began to howl horribly. "I'm already Borg, you stupid machine! Hee hee hee! That tickles!"

Gretel of Nine cried, "Harry we are saved! The wicked queen can not assimilate us now!"

How delighted they were! They fell upon each other's necks and kissed each other and danced about for joy. Their celebrations were interrupted when Chakotay stumbled into the clearing.

"Gee whiz you two, get a room already." Chakotay said. Then he noticed the cube. "Is that Gingerbread? I'm so hungry I could eat the whole cube!"

After Chakotay had eaten his fill, Harry and Gretel of Nine told him their story and begged him to take them back to the shuttle with him. Chakotay shook his head and sighed, "There's nothing I'd like to do better, nobody gets my toilet bowl quite as clean as you do Harry. But, I can't find my way back to the shuttle and even if I did, the Captain would just want me to get rid of you the next time she runs out of coffee."

"You're lost? I thought you were an Indian scout!" Gretel of Nine said, but Harry hushed her.

"I've got an idea," Harry said. "We can build a gingerbread locating device from the remains of the cube. When we get back to Voyager, Gretel can just give the Captain her replicator rations."

"What about my Miata?" Gretel of Nine protested.

"Where are you going to drive it anyway?" Harry said persuasively. "Why don't you replicate yourself a Harley Davidson, that should fit in the hallways. The remaining rations should be more than enough for the Captain's coffee."

"The helmet will disturb my hair," said Gretel slowly, warming to the idea. "But, your plan is acceptable."

"All right!" Chakotay exclaimed. "Let's get busy!"

So, the three made it back to the shuttle and flew home to Voyager. After the Captain received Gretel of Nine's extra replicator rations, she no longer tried to leave her behind. Gretel of Nine became fond of lurking outside Harry's quarters and then trying to run him down with her Harley and Chakotay taught the Captain a new game - The Borg Queen Assimilates a Drone.

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