Roadtrips

 

Chapter 1

 

Buffy Summer's Journal

June 23, 2003

Cleveland is so different from Sunnydale or LA. Giles and Robin are settling
up a not quite on the up and up private school for girls, the young Slayers.
We know what it's going to be but they pretended it was just going to be
some regular private girls school to the local people.

I don't know how Dawn was able to convince me to get on the bus and leave
with them. Why they asked me what they were going to do next made no sense.
Asking a woman who hasn't had a normal life since she was 15 years old- over
seven painful years ago- what they were going to do now? And someone they had
mocked and called stupid and kicked out of her own home just a few days
before?  

Only Spike never did that, never doubted me either, even when we were on
opposite sides. And now he's gone, had to save the word, just like me- the woman that loved him, but told him too late...

I've cried more the past few weeks than I ever did before. More than after I
sent Angel to hell when he was going to end the world. And when Mom died, I
started shutting off myself more and more- couldn't deal with it and with Glory
breathing down our backs. Then I died. When I came back I didn’t want to feel at all - only
Spike could reach me. I'll never forgive myself for the way I treated him, I
was the monster, not him. I wish I could have told him that, really said it.
The guilt was so much, I couldn't get it out even when I
wanted to.

I've felt so strange since that day, sad, tired, anxious, nauseated, then
starving at other times. My body seems to be as unsettled as my mind. Everyone but Xander and Andrew
has been steering clear of me. I've heard them talking when they don't
notice I'm around about "weird Buffy". They think I've gone nuts, but not
enough to bother doing anything about. I think the clincher was when screamed at
Giles to "shut his stuck up Watcher mouth up"  when he made another
dismissive comment about Spike.  Andrew is the only one who knows why I'm
feeling this way and no one else talks to him or listens to him. Xander
understands too, I think, but losing Anya has hurt him so much that the
others think he's crazy too.

Sometimes I think the others are right, I am crazy. I know I don't fit here.
I want to leave. Who would care if I did? Xander probably, Andrew maybe,
Dawn I think so, the rest though, no. Willow has forgotten me and Giles and
Robin just find me annoying. Although, oddly enough, Faith might miss me.
It’s changed now that we are no longer rival Slayers, and she knows my life wasn't all sunshine
and roses even when she thought it was. She's talked to me a few times in a
sort of friendship way. She may sort of grasp why I'm this way now, just not
understand it. I've even heard her once disagree with Kennedy and Rona when
the "Buffy's a flake" topic came up. I don't know if it's because she
noticed I was walking into the room or that she really felt that way but I
had to smile hearing her say "You morons, you have no idea how hard life can
slam you, do you? She's lost more people and things special to her than
years you snotty nosed brats have lived."

I think I'll pack things up and leave tomorrow morning. I guess I should
tell the others I'm leaving. Not sure where I'll go but I guess I'll go to
LA eventually. There's some things I need to say to Angel and he deserves to
hear it face to face. I hope he takes it better than in my nightmares. And
maybe I can figure out by the time I get there how to say it. Right now all
that comes to me is "Sorry Angel, no Buffy cookies for you, Spike already
ate them all up. I hope we can still be good friends." Don't think that'd
work. Why do I always feel like I'm still a silly 16 year old whenever I'm
around Angel? I never felt silly or stupid around Spike, even when I was 16
and we'd just met. I just can't quite figure it out. I know I'm not that
girl that worshipped and adored Angel anymore, but I feel like he still can
only see me as that way. We argue and need to get away from each other
whenever I try to get him to see the real me. I do have to tell him,
although part of me still may love him, that we'd never work out. I'm not
that girl he was attracted to anymore, if I ever was.

Sometimes I wonder if what he loved was me or a fantasy of what he thought I was.

I’m just as guilty, I think I loved a fantasy of this older, mysterious man who would swoop in as the hero, and then disappear.

He disappeared alright, that was his favorite thing to do. All the men I’ve been with have.

Now even Spike, is gone, the man who never left me was taken from me. Maybe I’m doomed that way.

No man will ever be able to stay with me.

God, it's 4 AM already, I need to sleep.

June 24

9 PM

There was no big screaming match when I told them I was going,
although I feel a bit sad that there wasn't. One tiny surprise, Xander asked
if I'd like someone to talk to on this roadtrip and I couldn't find it in
my heart to say no. Once we got on the road he said; "Neither of us fit in,
thought you might like a fellow misfit to keep you company". Neither of us
has said much since then.

Giles, Faith, Willow gave us “traveling” money. Dawn insisted I call her on
my cell phone at least once a week. Andrew looked like he wanted ask if he
could join us, but was afraid we'd say no. Giles gave me a look like he
thought I was abandoning a great cause to waste my life, but said nothing.
Robin just shrugged his shoulders and muttered something I didn't catch.
Willow gave both Xander and I a hug and said she'd miss us. Faith grinned
and told me to grab whatever joy I could find. Some of the girls said
goodbye. Vi actually whispered in my ear as she hugged me goodbye: “I’m sad
he's gone, I know you loved him."  So maybe not all of them thought I was
crazy after all.

Spike. I do miss him, with all my heart. I replay every moment of our last
days together in my quiet moments, which there's a lot of nowadays. Maybe
Xander does the same with thoughts about Anya. We haven't really talked
about it yet. We've stopped in some town called Evansville in Indiana for
the night. One hotel room, two beds. Xander is already asleep in the other
bed. Leaving me to watch the Weather Channel and write in this diary. I
hadn't written in a diary since I was 16. But after what happened in
Sunnydale I've felt I had to write about it. Right now, I'm thinking about how
Spike felt, his skin against mine, those last three nights. The first one we
we just held each other and slept taking comfort in just each other’s close
ness. The next night we kissed and touched, I was ready to make love,
not just what  Spike would have called "shagging". But Spike
shook his head no and I didn't push it., I gave him the same respect  he gave me.

The last night- it was beautiful, I felt like not just our bodies were joined, but our souls. He
wore that amulet, I remember the feel of it in between our bodies. It
was strange, I could swear he felt warm to the touch, just like when I tried
to get him to come with me, not die saving the world.

I can't write anymore tonight, the feelings are still too raw.
Chapter2