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Chapter 9 - Reprieve

("All the white horses are still in bed" Tori Amos - Winter)

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                Dawn hurried downstairs into the kitchen with her back pack in hand, set her bag down, grabbed a plate and started putting some waffles on it that were sitting in the center of the table.  "So what happened last night after Willow jumped on that van?" Dawn asked as she stuffed her face with a waffle piece.  Buffy turned around, a glass of orange juice in her hand.  "That was wicked cool," the little sister added in.

                "What happened last night happened way past your bed time.  What were you doing up that late?" Buffy said with an accusing face.  Dawn looked defiantly up at her sister as she put another fork full of waffle into her mouth.

                "I was listening to the noises downstairs that were keeping a hard working student from sleep," Dawn said, followed shortly by a sneer as she swallowed her mouthful of food.  Buffy let out a 'Pff' sound.

                "Working hard, my butt.  If you call your last report card 'working hard', I’d hate to see what slacking off would look like."

                "Fine, be that way," Dawn replied as she looked down at her plate.  Buffy sighed quietly to herself.

                "Nothing happened after that Dawn.  The van drove away and lost me and Spike.  We tried looking for Willow but we couldn't find anything.  I’m gunna head out again to look for her again in a little while."  Dawn turned away from Buffy hearing the back door lock turn over.  Buffy rushed over as she watched Willow walk in, slumped over slightly grabbing her chest.  Willow let out an awkward moan as she walked over and sat down on the closest stool, next to Dawn.  Looking up from her hunched over position, she noticed the waffles on the table sitting next to syrup, butter, and orange juice.  Carefully, so as not to jostle her body, she laid the book down that she had on to the table, closed her eyes, and took a light breath.

                "What happened Willow?  Where were you?" Buffy asked in a concerned tone. 

                Willow could smell the waffles, could almost feel the texture in her mouth, without even taking a bite.  The last time she had had waffles was a while ago, sometime after Tara had brought her back.  She had walked in early from patrolling one day, expecting everyone in the house to be asleep but when she opened the door, she could smell waffles all the way from where she stood.  They smelled so good, so warm compared to how cold it was outside.  Tara had gotten up early and made them, or hadn't gone to sleep the night before, Willow never really found out, Tara kept it a secret.  They had sat there that morning and stuffed their faces and talked about Dawn and the house and college.  It was one of the first times that Willow really remembered that she felt happy and safe since she had gotten back from being…  dead.  Those waffles were so warm inside her and Tara was so patient.

                "Willow...  Willow?"  Buffy waved her hand in front of the redheads face, making the Willow blink her eyes a little, focusing back into reality.  "You ok?" Buffy asked.

                "Yeah.  I re-broke some of my ribs again on a spill from the van but if I rest for a day or so, I'm pretty sure they'll mend up again.  Sorry for taking so long on getting back, I wanted to take some back ways home so I wouldn’t get jumped, I wasn't quite feeling up to par."  Willow chuckled slightly at the end of her comment then quickly cut herself off as she felt another sharp pain in her chest.

                "You were thrown from the van?" Dawn asked in an awed tone.  Willow smiled lightly.

                "Yeah, I guess hanging on to the top of a moving vehicle just isn't as safe as it used to be."  Willow moved the hand that wasn't grasping her middle onto the table and slightly pushed at the book that she had set down.  "I think whatever the trio of geekness did, it's in his book.  Whatever it was that hit me, it hasn't done anything yet that I know of."  Willow tried to laugh again but stopped from another pain in her chest.  "Except make me not like them even more."  Willow looked up at Buffy.  "I'm guessing it's safe to say you know about Andrew, Warren, and Jonathan right?"  Buffy rolled her eyes.

                "Yeah, we've had our run-in with them.  They've been on the lamb for a while, hard to track down.  I wonder what they were trying to do here last night..."  As Buffy paused to think for a moment Dawn turned to Willow.

                "Is that the first time you've jump on a car roof?" Dawn asked, wide eyed.  Willow smiled.

                "No.  I shoulda learned by now though, that all that ever happens on top of a moving car is you just get thrown off, which never ends well."  Willow nodded her head down to her hand that was cradling her stomach.

                "You walked all the way here like that?" Dawn asked.  Willow nodded trying to not talk.  "I'm surprised you didn't get attacked by any baddies.  You want some of my waffles?"  Dawn offered up a fork full of her food to Willow who shook her head no.

                "I did run into a vamp on the way back, but nothin’ big," Willow said as she got up and started to make her way to the living room couch, wanting to lie down and rest her body.

                "You fought vampires like that!?" Dawn said in astonishment.  Willow caught Buffy's look of agitation out of the corner of her eye.  Willow thought about embellishing the story a little, to egg Buffy on for chaining her up yesterday, but decided against it.  She knew how hard it was to keep Dawn's attention and the feeling of helplessness when Dawn starts listening to everyone but you.

                "It was a vampire Dawn, and he wasn't looking, so it really wasn't a fight."  When Willow reached the couch she sat down slowly, leaning against the arm of the sofa for support.

                "You want me to get you something?  Like a pillow?" Dawn asked with a captivated look across her face.  Willow waved her hand motioning her away.

                "No, I'm fine.  Head back into the kitchen and finish up breakfast.  I'm sure Buffy has a lunch or something to give you.  I just need to be left alone for a while."  Willow angled her body slightly on the couch, then laid down gradually.  Lying there, resting her head on the sofa's arm, Willow could hear Dawn back in the kitchen eating quietly.  Willow closed her eyes, taking a breath as she listened to the sounds drifting through the house.  She heard Buffy gently mention how she, herself, had fought on top of a van that they drove in to get away from Glory almost a year ago, and smiled.  Willow remembered the fight herself.  She remembered how scared she was for everyone, for Dawn, for Tara.  "I'm sorry we ever fought Tara, you shouldn't have ever had to have gone through that with Glory." Willow said softly to herself.  Letting the sounds from outside drift through her mind, Willow heard Dawn's school bus coming up to the house.  "Dawn!  The bus is coming, hurry up!"  Willow listened as, in the kitchen, Buffy gave Dawn her lunch, telling her to not come home late and to have a good day.  Dawn bounded out of the kitchen into the living room, throwing her book bag over one shoulder, heading to the door.

                "I don't see the bus..." Dawn said questioningly as she looked out the front window.  Willow lifted her head up slightly.

                "It's about a block away.  It'll be here in a bit." Willow said looking at Dawn.

                "How do you know that?" Willow got asked.  The redhead smiled.

                "I can hear it Dawnie..."  Willow tapped one of her ears.  She watched as Dawn gave her a disbelieving cockeyed look.  "It's pulling up right now."  Dawn looked out the window again as the bus pulled up.  "Never hurts to be at the bus stop early." Willow said as she laid her head back down on the couch and closed her eyes.

                "No way," Willow heard Dawn mumble under her breath as the teenager ran out the door to the bus.

                "You know, I think that is the first time I've ever seen Dawn actually impressed by something I've done."  Willow listened as Buffy stood behind her head, breathing softly.  "She is a handful isn't she?  Sometimes I think it's like trying to raise a wild animal that's upset that you're even near it," the young Slayer said with a slight chuckle in her voice.  "She always seems to want to be anywhere but near me, and other times, she seems upset that I'm not around all the time."  Willow sighed.  "But I guess I'm no picnic either."  'Tara always seemed to bring us together though', Willow thought to herself.  'I wonder where she's at now?'

 

Chapter 10 - Restructuring

("And all your weight, it falls on me, it falls on me" Collective Soul - Heavy)

 

Tara paused at the door step of the Summers’ house, feeling the cold air blow lightly across her as she waited, her arms crossed, hugging herself, and thought back again to the phone call the night before. 

                She had been sitting up late like she had been every night; it just seemed so hard to get to sleep.  She was up reading, studying for tomorrow’s lecture, when the phone rang.  Tara looked at the time, forcing the urge to hope that it was Willow down into the bottom of her stomach.  Leaving the book open to the page she was at, Tara leaned over and picked up the receiver that sat on the night stand by her bed.

                "Hello?" the blonde asked tentatively.  She waited as there was a slow pause on the other side.  She was just about to say 'hello' again into the phone when she heard the other person begin to speak.

                "Tara, ummm..." she heard Willow say on the other end of the line.  The young woman felt the wind leave her stomach as she sat on her bed, the phone pressed against her ear.  "This uh, this is Willow."

                "Hu-Hey," Tara tried to say as nonchalantly as possible.  She felt the whole room fade away as she closed her eyes, her hand gripping the phone tightly.  Self-doubt started to fly through the blonde’s head, 'I can't do this' playing over and over again in her mind.

                "Listen umm...  There's been a thing that's happened here that Buffy isn't too certain about and..."  Tara sat quietly, one hand draped in her lap, the other still clutching the phone to her ear.  "She needs some help with some magic stuff and I was thinking...  Instead of going out to some stranger you could come over and maybe help out or something.  I don't think what she needs is too hard, it's just a kinda locater spell with some extra stuff added..."  She heard Willow pause for a bit.  Tara tried to speak into the phone but felt herself choke on the words a moment.  Forcing herself to be calm, she spoke slowly.

                "Sure, I-I can come over.  I can stop off tomorrow night after class, around eight." 

                Tara shook the memory away as she adjusted the backpack that held her spell components while she knocked on the entrance.  After a moment the door opened and the young woman looked at Willow.

                "Hey Tara," the redhead said smiling.  "I'm glad to see you."  Willow backed out of the entrance way slowly to give room for sorceress to come inside.

                "Hi," Tara said slowly.  Stepping inside, the blonde looked at the living room, avoiding Willow's gaze.  Moving next to the couch, Tara turned around to look at redhead and froze up for a moment.  Willow was standing there staring into her eyes with a confused look, unmoving.  The young spell caster felt herself shift uncomfortably under the gaze.  "Wha-what?" Tara asked confused.  Willow kept silent and took a step forward then paused for a moment.

                "I...  I just didn't notice...  Nothing I guess, it doesn't really matter anyways," Willow said as she let the look on her face fade away.  The redhead walked around Tara to the couch and lay down slowly, letting out a breath as she got comfortable.

                "Are you ok?" Tara asked as she watched the difficulty that Willow had lying down.  From her position on the couch, the young woman closed her eyes and smiled warmly.

                "Yeah, I'm ok.  How are you?" Willow inquired as she laid one arm across her face, covering her closed eyes.

                "I-I'm doing ok.  I'm a little behind on a pa-paper that I need to get done for a class but other than that, I'm doing fine.  Ummm, is Buffy here?  I brought the stuff you talked about..."  Tara looked down as Willow let out a sigh.

                "Yeah, about that Tara--" the redhead began.  The blonde looked up with a surprised face as she watched the Willow walking down the stairs towards them.

                "Hey Tara," Willow called out to the tall blonde.  Tara looked confused from the Willow at the bottom of the stairwell to the Willow on the couch and back again.

                "Yeah, like I was trying to say.  I didn't call you.  She did," the Willow lying on the couch said without looking up.  "We come in pairs now, it's a new promotional product.  What do you think?" Willow said, chuckling, then stopping shortly from a light pain in her chest again.

                "Wha-what happened?" Tara asked as the Willow near the stairwell walked up to her and fidgeted lightly with her hands for a second before she began to speak.

                "I was kinda hoping you could help us figure that out.  She showed up Saturday night," Willow said as she looked to the Slayer lying down.  "From what she said, I think that she's here because of a dimensional vortex spell.  I was thinking you can do a variant of a locator spell to see if she's gone through any dimensional travel."  While the two talked, the Willow that was lying on the couch could feel Tara as she stood a short ways away from her head.  The Slayer closed her eyes and took in Tara's smell and smiled as she listened to the blonde’s voice dance through the conversation that was going on.  She could almost feel the movements of Tara's body, the small fidgeting of the blonde’s hands, the soft movements of her head to convey her confusion and eventual understanding.  Willow became suddenly conscious of her own hands as they laid across her stomach, could feel how big they were as they clutched to her own torso tightly.  She could feel her head start to flash through memories of Tara smiling and talking and laughing and crying, they shot through her head blazing one image after another into the backs of her eyes.  She could feel an ache in her throat and mouth, feel her stomach churn over.  The pain from her ribs woke up again as she brought herself upright from her laying position, grabbing a hold of the arm of the sofa she was on, gasping for breath.  Then she felt a hand on her shoulder, Tara's soft voice calling into her ear, almost slicing right into her head, into the core of her body.

                "Willow?" the redhead heard as she shut her eyes hard, trying to clear her head.  The Slayer took a hand away from her stomach and flailed it at the light grip on her shoulder, striking it away as she proceeded to stand up shakily.

                "Get away!" Willow said loudly as she stumbled forward from the couch, bumping into the table that sat on the carpet.

                "Willow, ah-are you ok?" the blonde asked.  'This isn't right,' the Slayer thought to herself.

                "Something's wrong Tara, I...  I'm hot, I need some air for a minute."  Willow stumbled to the door and opened it up, stepping out onto the front porch, closing the door behind her.  As the redhead rested for a moment, she felt the cool air blow across her, taking the heat that was pouring out of her face away into the empty night around her.  She could feel every breath coming out of her chest as she stepped up to the railing and placed her hands on the wood, steadying herself.  Even before the door re-opened behind her, she heard the footsteps coming.  Slowly the door opened up, Tara sticking her head out.  Willow forced herself to keep her face forward, looking out across the lawn.  "Please, please leave me alone, I need some time alone.  You two should start setting up the spell or whatever it is that you have to do."

                "Ok.  You sure you'll be alright?" Tara asked with a concerned tone wrapping around her words.

                "Yeah, I'm fine, just my stomach acting up is all.  I'll be ok."  Willow listened as Tara pulled her head out of the doorway and shut the door.  The redhead walked down the front porch onto the lawn, escaping the scent Tara left behind, and took in a huge breath of air to clear her senses and let it out slowly.  "What the hell is going on?" she muttered quietly to herself.  Willow stood there for a moment thinking about what to do.  Quietly, she walked out into the center of a patch of grass and lay down, looking up and watching the sky slowly move about, pretending she could feel the earth rotate underneath her, feel it sail through space around the sun, and smiled.  Her mind stretched back to when she had watched the night sky once with Tara, watching constellations and talking to each other for hours.  As she played about in her memory she could see the smile on Tara's face, how happy she was.  Willow had never really noticed how Tara looked when she was really happy, how when she smiled her face went kinda lopsided with the grin at times.  Willow wrapped a hand around her dream stone, letting it warm her hand.

                "What do you think is wrong?" Tara asked, concerned as she glanced out of the window at the redhead lying down on the front lawn.

                "I don't know.  It could be some kinda after effect from the vortex spell if that was what was cast on her," Willow replied as she sat down in a chair.  Tara turned away from the window and walked over to Willow.

                "I gu-guess it's best if this is done as soon as possible then.  I'll set up in the kitchen and get things ready."  Willow watched as Tara began to get an awkward look on her face.

                "I'll head outside and sit with her for a bit, just tell us when you’re ready, and I'll send her in," Willow said as she stood up from the chair.  Tara smiled lightly while she brought her bag up and began to unzip it and made her way to the kitchen. 

                Willow went outside onto the lawn next to the other redhead who was lying down, eyes closed, smiling.  "Watcha thinking about?" she asked the laying body curiously.  She watched the face lying on the grass open one eye and gaze up at her.

                "Thinkin’ about dreams.  You know, I really didn't know how much I missed them ‘til last night.  I hadn't had a decent dream in years.  I was starting to believe that I was never going to have one ever again too.  It was beginning to seem like I had never even had a good dream, just the same nightmares I usually have.”  The Slayer sighed.  “You ever get that feeling like... like you know you used to have something that was... that you think was wonderful, and then lose it?  Then one day you start to become afraid that... that now that you've lost the experience you're going to lose the memory of the experience?"  Willow let her question lay in the air as she closed her eye again.  She took in another breath of the night air as the other redhead stood next to her, looking down.

                "If you had a good dream last night then you really don't have to worry about losing the memory then, which is a good thing right?" the standing Willow said as she looked down at the laying figure.

                "Yeah," Willow said as she moved the dream stone about in her hand again, letting it touch all the parts of her skin.  She felt her stomach turn over again as she laid on the cool grass.  Gently she sat upright and crossed her legs, laying her hands in her lap.  Before she could think, the Slayer felt herself speaking.  "Maybe I should head in there and check on Tara, see how she's doing."  Willow began to wring her hands in her lap.  "You think she needs any help?"  She looked up at the standing Willow, secretly wanting to retract her statement for a reason she couldn't place.

                "I'm sure she's fine, she said she would call us when she was ready," the standing redhead stated.  The Willow sitting on the ground started to feel the moisture from the grass soaking into her jeans.  Carefully she stood up, being sure not to jar her stomach to much.  "Are you ok?  You seem kinda distracted," the Slayer was asked.

                "Yeah...  Yeah, I'm fine.  I'm just kinda out of it right now.  I guess the entire situation is finally kinda settling into me," Willow said as she moved herself to the porch slowly, unconsciously wrapping an arm around her stomach, trying to ease the pain as she moved.  'I wonder if Tara is done in there,' the redhead thought to herself as she peered into one of the glass slits in the door.  The Slayer paced back and forth on the porch, a dreading anticipation welling up, causing a sickly-sweet feeling inside of her.  As Willow moved around nervously on the outside wood flooring, she watched her companion eye her.  The two let the silence fill the air as they waited patiently for what, to the Slayer, felt like an eternity.  Finally, to the duo’s relief, the front door opened as Tara leaned out.

                “I think we’re ready to go.”  As Tara guided the Slayer into the dimly candlelit kitchen where everything was set up at, Willow noticed that her twin dangled behind, staying in the living room.  The redhead stopped to give a curious look back at her reflection that had now moved out of sight in the living room, only to freeze up as she felt a hand placed on her arm.  “I’m going to need you to sit here,” Tara said as she led Willow to a chair the blonde was now motioning to.  The kitchen table, which the chair was placed near, contained all assortments of things Willow was familiar with, some vaguely, some more proficiently.  On the outskirts of the table surface, a ring of sand was lined, encircling six cast stones and four separate candles.  Laced about the entire table top was a series of maple leaves and rosemary, and in the center of everything lay a small ceramic bowl which appeared to hold some sort of thick dark liquid.  Willow apprehensively sat down, her eyes fixed on the hand that was gently guiding her arm.  The redhead felt her gaze held by the soft fingers that curved around her, lost in the tender hold. 

                Tara, letting go of her soon-to-be spell recipient, noticed the young Slayer jerk her head up to look her in the eyes with an almost lost confused look.  The blonde felt a pang of sadness at the other woman’s confusion.  She could only guess at how awkward this new Willow must feel, especially if what her Willow had hypothesized was true.  Tara decided to try and be as reassuring as she could in hopes of making the young redhead as at ease as possible.  Sitting down across the table from the Slayer, the sorceress paused and smiled, trying to give the most confident look possible to set the Willow at ease.

                “So uh, what exactly do we do here?  I haven’t tried anything new in the magick arena in some time and uh…” Willow let her words trail off as she looked into Tara’s eyes, feeling a calmness settle into her body.  After a bit, a smile appeared on the Slayer’s face that Willow hadn’t remembered being there a moment before, and she giggled on the inside.  ‘I remember this,’ the redhead said to herself.  ‘I remember doing all this, well not this spell, what ever this is, but I remember doing spells like this a long time ago.  I miss this so much.  It feels good to be part of this again, just like high school.  And with Tara here.  God, Tara’s so beautiful.  I never really thought about it before but, sitting there, in the candlelight, she’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.  If I could just hold her face, just touch her cheek I think I--

                “I don’t know quite how this is going to work out but I’m pretty confident that it will work the first time.  I’m just going to hold your hands over the Taclemyk Bowl and speak the incantation.  After a moment or two you should get an image of where you are from.  Don’t worry if nothing comes to you though, there is a few ways I think that this spell can be done and if doesn’t work the first time we can just try again.  With some time and a little patience we should be able to find out at least where you came from and hopefully start you on your way back home.”  Willow felt an antsyness dancing in her arms and legs as she listened to Tara talk.  “Do you have any questions before we start?” the blonde asked.

                “Nope,” Willow responded as she quickly held her arms out, anxious to have Tara holding her hands again.  Gently, the tall blonde took the Slayer’s hands in her own and closed her eyes.

                “Please close your eyes and try to clear your mind of everything,” Tara said, with a tone of resolve placed in her voice now.  Willow followed the magick user’s example and slightly tilted her head down and closed her eyes, trying to empty all the thoughts in her head.  As the candlelight in the kitchen flickered about, Tara began her recitation of the words she had memorized throughout the day.  The words themselves worked their ways out of the blonde on their own volition after a few lines had been cited, making themselves whole and working their own magick, using Tara as the conduit. 

                As Willow was trying to shake the last thoughts of Tara’s hands from her mind, she suddenly felt everything in her wipe clean, felt an emptiness settle in on her and then, just a quickly, she saw that she was looking down in a room.  She was looking down on a bed, and there was someone on it.  She couldn’t quite make out who it was though, it was too far away.  The redhead willed herself closer, moving in to make out the person lying down.  As Willow got nearer she could hear faint sobs growing louder, the person on the bed crying into a pillow.  While she listened, the Slayer tried to make out the young woman who had stopped her crying for a moment to moan a few sentences.

                “Please Willow, please come back.  Why did you have stop sleeping.  You can’t do this again, not again.  Please sleep again, if you can hear me, please go back to sleep.”  Willow listened closely as a dim voice came from somewhere outside of the dark room.

                “Tara dear, you need to come out, you can’t keep doing this anymore.  You haven’t eaten for two days now, you need to put something in your stomach.”  Finally Willow could make out the woman, could make out Tara sprawled out on a bed, her face red from all the crying.

                “You know I can’t.  She could be asleep any time and if I miss her I…” Tara said in a strained voice.

                “You can at least take some time to unlock the door and have a bite to eat then, and we can talk about it,” came the voice again.

                “Leave me alone damn it!  She could be sleeping right now and I’m missing her!  Don’t come back any more Giles.  Not unless you’ve found something out,” Tara said in an angry voice.  “Just shut up and leave me alone.”  Tara coughed lightly.  “Besides, if Willow isn’t here, it doesn’t really matter if I eat or not,” the blonde said in a barely audible whisper.  “What’s any of it matter if I can’t breathe anymore.”  Willow watched as her friend began sobbing into her pillow again.

                “Please don’t cry Tara, I’ll sleep again,” the redhead spoke, trying to plead with the woman on the bead who couldn’t hear her.  “I promise I will, please, just don’t do this.”  Then, without warning, Willow was ripped out from where she was, back into the Summers’ family kitchen, holding the hands of the woman who looked exactly like her best friend.  For a moment the redheaded Slayer simply sat there, holding Tara’s hands, confused.  “What was that?” she asked.

                “That was where you came from.  That is what’s going on now I think.  You still have a connection to it, a thread if you will, that traces from you to it.  The thread is thinning now and I think it’s going to fade away or break soon if we don’t get you back.  At least we know now where you come from.  I think there is a spell that can help you get back, so long as your thread is still whole.”  Willow brought her hands down into her lap and sat still for a moment.

                “What breaks my thread?” the redhead asked finally, looking into the sorceresses eyes.  She watched as the blonde gave a kind of pained look back.

                “Time.  Eventually, if enough time has passed the thread wears down and breaks.”  Willow closed her eyes.

                “How long do I have to get back?” the Slayer asked apprehensively.  She felt some of her hopes start to sink as a long silence filled the room.  Finally Tara spoke up.

                “Three days on the outside I think, your thread is pretty frayed as is and I’m not certain how long it will last.  I’m pretty sure I know the spell that can send you back, me and Willow, the uh, the other Willow, and you too, we can try and find it together down at the Magic Box tomorrow.  I think it’ll just take a little time is all.  Everything we really need should be down in the shop, so once we find the spell we can do it there right away.”  Tara again tried to smile to reassure the young woman.  Willow smiled back, but her face was traced with a hint of fear.

                “Time it seems isn’t something that I have much of to give.”  Willow leaned back in her chair and started to think quietly to herself as Tara got up and began packing away her materials.  The Slayer’s thoughts drifted backward to her vision of her friend lying on the bed, choked in tears, pleading, leaving Willow with a sense of despair in herself.  “Hey Tara?  I was wondering if you could help me with something else before you leave?”  The blonde looked back at Willow as she emptied the contents of the bowl in her hand into the kitchen sink.  Willow explained about her sleeping arrangements and all the spells she used and watched as Tara’s eyes grew wider as she explained more and more.

                “Willow!” Tara finally said after listening to the Slayers story.  “Magicks aren’t supposed to be used like that!  If what you’re saying is true, you’re abusing your body way to much.  All that time running on spells is going to catch up to you,” Tara said in an excited tone.  Willow felt she had touched a nerve that had been there for a while now.

                “I know what I’m doing I…  Listen, I wanna stop doing it ok?  I need to sleep tonight, I have to sleep tonight.  Can you do something to remove all the spells?” Willow asked in a genuine voice.  Tara looked at the redhead with troubled, disapproving eyes.

                “Of course I will,” the tall girl said.  Then in a low tone, Willow barely could pick out Tara’s next sentence.  “Are all Willows the same?”  The Slayer pondered for a moment about what that meant but quickly forgot as Tara began setting up for her next set of spells. 

                The two spent the next two hours slowly going through and stripping away the layers of magicks that Willow had placed upon herself, some recently, some years and years ago.  As they finished up Willow suddenly had a feeling that only came on her right before her monthly naps.

                “I think I’m tired,” Willow said with a cocked grin at Tara.  The blonde gave a smile back as she wiped a thin layer of sweat from her forehead.  “I get to take a nap tonight and for the first time in a long time, I think I’m looking forward to it.  Thank you for doing this for me Tara.”  The woman who wore the face of her friend gave a kindly look back.

                “No problem.  By the way, I was wondering.  You had a love spell on you.  What were you using that for?”  Willow gave a befuddled stare back to the question.  “It was cast rather recently, about a day or so ago, about the same time as some of the last spells I took off of you were cast.”

                “I cast some spells after I woke up from my nap Sunday but I’ve never used a love spell.  What was it?” the Slayer asked, watching Tara think for a moment.

                “I don’t know which one exactly, all I caught was the flavor, I guess you could call it.”  Willow’s face changed from perplexed to angry as Tara finished.  “What?”

                “Those little bastards, that was what they did to me, they cast a love spell on me.  When I get my hands on those three I’m gunna—“

                “What happened?” Willow was asked.  The redhead took a breath to try and calm herself down.

                “The three geeks cast something on me Monday night.  I couldn’t figure out what, though, ‘cause I didn’t feel any diff…”  Willow stopped as her mind slowly started piecing things together.  ‘That’s why I’ve been freaking out around Tara.  That actually explains everything, there for a while I thought I was losing my mind.’  “I trust it wasn’t too hard to dispell,” Willow said with a slight chuckle in her voice.  ‘I seriously doubt that they could cast anything too well that Tara couldn’t handle.’

                “Actually I didn’t have to dispell anything, it came off sometime early this morning.  The only thing I saw was a kind of after-image tracer of the spell.  Well, it’s worn off now so I guess no worries then,” the blonde said reassuringly to Willow.

                “Yeah, no worries…” the redhead replied.  ‘What the hell spell did they cast on me though?  I doubt that whatever they did was even meant for me, it was probably meant for Buffy.  And if it was meant for Buffy, why did they want her to be with…  Tara…  Why not just have Buffy love them, that makes more since, in a sick, twisted kinda way.  If Buffy was in love with the trio then they could have her do anything they wanted.  They could have their own personal super hero to knock over banks, steal stuff, to do… other things with.’  Willow let out an audible ewwwww at her own line of thinking.

                “What was that for?” Tara asked with a slight giggle in her voice.  Willow grinned up.

                “I was still thinking about the Jonathan and that bunch and ewwwww always comes to mind I think about them.”  Tara smiled lightly as she finished putting everything away.

                “Ok, I’ve got everything so I’m gunna head home.  Tomorrow I’ll skip class and we can head over to the Magic Box.”  Willow got up to thank the blonde and then, without any warning she found herself hugging the young woman tightly.  Tara paused for a moment, but only a moment, and embraced Willow back.  The sorceress could feel the want in herself, the need, to console her Willow, and also her desperate need to hold her lover that she had become so distanced from since their last fight about the abuse of magic.  “It’ll be ok Willow, we’ll get you back to your home, I know it.”  Willow felt a tightness grip her insides as she held the woman close, pressed against her.  ‘She said the spell had worn off though,’ echoed in Willow’s mind as she felt her body shake slightly in the other woman’s arms.  The redhead felt a blush creep into her cheeks as she brought her hand up to lightly stroke Tara’s hair.  She didn’t know why she was doing it; she just knew that it was the only thing it seemed that she could do. 

                “Tara I…” Willow whispered into the blonde’s ear.  Tara pulled back suddenly, a look akin to worry or confusion set in her eyes.  Willow couldn’t be sure what though.

                “I have to go,” the blonde said quickly as she picked up her stuff in a hurry and stepped out of the kitchen and moved herself to the living room where she began talking with the other Willow. 

                The Slayer tried to listen in on the two’s conversation but the voices were muffled; in fact, it seemed that everything was that way.  A lot of the world wasn’t as crisp or sharp anymore, it all seemed slower, thicker.  Willow sat down and rested her head in her hands for a moment and felt an impossible pull to close her eyes, to go to sleep.

                “Hey,” a voice called from over the Slayer’s shoulder.  Willow looked up at her reflection.  “Tara told me what’s going on tomorrow.  You look tired, you wanna sleep in my bed tonight?  I can bunk out on the couch down here.” 

                “No, that’s ok.  I’ll sleep in the living room.  Is there an alarm clock I can use?” Willow asked.  She watched as her counterpart asked her to give her a few minutes and then went up stairs.  The young redhead stood up from where she was sitting while the other Willow rummaged upstairs, and headed over to the living room sofa and laid down.  The last thing the Slayer remembered was fluffing up the couch pillow she was resting her head on, and then she was asleep.

 

Chapter 11 – Fearful Desire

("My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore" Nine Inch Nails – Something I Can Never Have)

 

                “Tara!”  Willow had been yelling for what felt like a good half hour, maybe even longer, time seemed to move weirdly for her as she wandered about.  “Tara!  Answer me damn it!”  The house seemed a lot more stable to Willow now than when she was here only a day ago.  Willow had tried to go outside but the scenery wasn’t the same as it had been when Tara had led her out of the house last time; the outside looked more like a barren dry land without that much color anywhere.  Everything on the inside of the house, though, had color and brightness.  Everything seemed alive to her.  After a few more minutes of searching, Willow paused and sat down in a chair in the living room.  The young redhead sighed wistfully as she felt the cushions of the seat mold to her body and hug her with a soft warmth.  As she adjusted herself, trying to get the most comfort out of the chair, Willow caught something out of the corner of her eye and turned to look.  Off to the right of the young dreamer, a soft ethereal form started taking shape slowly, becoming whole.

                Tara blinked her eyes quickly, seeing that she was in Willow’s mind, realizing that the woman she had been trying so hard to reach had finally fallen asleep.  It was then that she felt a pair of arms wrap around her before she had time to react.  Tara felt Willow’s hug pulling her hard against her friend.  The blonde could feel her own tears coming as she held the young redhead in her arms.

                “Willow I…  Please don’t leave me again Willow, please,” Tara said desperately into her friend’s ear.  The Slayer could only hug tighter in response, her own voice lost in the moment.  Finally after holding each other for as long as they could, they let their arms go reluctantly.

                “I won’t leave you Tara.  The place where I’m at now, we found a way back to you.  There’s a Tara here where I’m at and she is gunna help me get back.”  The Slayer felt a part of herself wanting to sit down, holding Tara in her arms while she talked to her, whispering everything into her friend’s ear while brushing back her soft blonde hair, holding Tara’s hand gently.  Willow started to sweat slightly as it seemed to her that her friend was standing all too close.  “I, I…  I’ll be back soon.”  As Tara smiled happily at the comment with glossy eyes, Willow made herself take a few conscious steps backward, sitting down in the chair near her that she had been in just a moment before her friend had appeared.  The blonde give a curious look at Willow’s backing up.  Tara walked over and kneeled beside the young Slayer where she was sitting, putting a hand on the redhead’s arm.  Willow could feel her limb tingle under her friends touch as she stared down at the hand that had settled on her.

                “Listen Willow, there is something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time and I just…”  Willow barely heard Tara’s voice as she looked up into her friend’s eyes, becoming lost in the feel of the hand on her and the look in Tara’s face.  ‘Everything will be ok if I could just kiss her,’ Willow heard in her mind as everything else around her slowly died away.  “Willow I’m…”  The redhead moved her face closer to her friend, her heart thumping in her chest, and proceeded to bring her hand up to caress the blonde’s cheek.

                “I never knew how deep your eyes were,” Willow whispered.  “I just, I never knew.”  Willow finally moved close enough to bring her lips to Tara’s, not caring what her friend thought, only knowing that she had to kiss her, it seemed like that was all she had ever wanted.  Part of Willow pleaded through her eyes, asking for forgiveness from Tara for what she was about to do, for treating her like this, for making their friendship into something that she knew Tara could never want, could never be a part of.  She watched as something played across the blonde’s eyes while guilt set into her own stomach.  Tara didn’t move as the Slayer’s face moved impossibly close, letting the blonde feel her friend’s warm breath against her own lips.

                “Willow,” Tara whispered out softly as she closed her eyes and waited, all her muscles tight with tension.  The blonde leaned excitedly against the chair that her friend sat in as she waited for what she had been waiting for for years.  She could feel it in the air; she knew that something was going to happen, that Willow and she were going to be…  That…  That is what Willow was doing right?  Wasn’t she?  Could Willow want this?  Tara opened her eyes back up as she stared at an empty chair.  “Willow?”  Tara searched desperately for the next few hours trying to find her friend, doubting herself and the meaning of everything that had just happened.  Then she woke up alone in her bed.

 

Chapter 12 – Returning Movements

("The window burns to light the way back home" Metallica – Hero Of The Day)

 

                “Tara?” Willow said out loud as she sat up and opened her eyes.  Looking around the living room Willow slowly realized where she was and closed her eyes again as she let out a defeated groan.  “Tara…”  Willow pulled herself off of the couch she had slept on and turned off the alarm clock that had woken her up.  ‘Willow must have set that for me,’ the redhead thought.  The kitchen was cool as the Slayer groggily made her way into it, sitting down at the table off to one side.  Willow dragged the spell book that she had taken from Jonathon the day before and started flipping through the pages slowly.  Willow scoured each page quickly trying to find clues to see if any of the spells contained with in the tome had any relation to the one that had been cast on her.  As she flipped through each of the pages, Willow chuckled to herself at the brainfog she had to fight.  It had been a long time since she had had to worry about waking up in the morning.  Willow glanced up at the wall clock in the kitchen that read 6:15am and hurried through the book as quickly as she could.  Finally she reached a page toward the end of the spell tome that she gave a smile to.  The spell title written was ‘Arkath’s Love’ and in the corner was a penciled drawing of a stick figure with Buffy written atop it wearing an apron bowing down to another stick figure…  At least she hoped the stick figure was just bowing as she once again got another ewwwwww in her mouth at thinking about the trio.  Quickly she read the passage on the components and effect.  This is it, she thought to herself.  Those little creeps cast this crap on me.  But Willow was still confused though; the spell mentioned how it would make the spell recipient fall in love with the caster but she knew that she didn’t have any feelings of love, let alone kindness, towards Jonathan or that bunch…  Willow scoured the passage again forcing her brain to concentrate as hard is she could make it.  Arkath…  The name sounded familier.  Then it dawned on her.  Arkath was a caster in the late 1300’s who was supposedly insane.  He spoke in multiple languages often times jumping from language to language in mid sentence, at least from some of his earlier writings that Willow had read in some of her previous research parties with the gang.  The spells actual verbal casting component was always in Latin, though you could sometimes get lost at the descriptive text’s meaning if you confused one language with another, which was easy enough to do.  Willow began reading and rereading the passage running through her mental library of the languages she knew.  Finally it came to her that a middle section that started off very Latin wasn’t actually Latin at all but a hodgepodge of mutt languages that writer had combined.  Willow slowly worked through the translation word by word.  The receiver of the spell would fall in love with the one they were already in love with, make the recipient’s love more pronounced, more noticeable, so that the recipient couldn’t ignore nor deny it.  The Slayer’s brow furrowed.  “What the hell?” she mumbled to herself.  The redhead re-worked the passage again in her head.  Slowly she leaned back in her chair after a bit and closed the book.  ‘But I’ve never felt like this at all for Tara before, I…  How can this spell make me…  I know I’ve been upset when I’ve seen guys look at her but I just…  If anyone took her away from me I mean…  I just didn’t want to lose my friend was all, I wasn’t jealous.  I was never jealous of someone taking her away from me.  Well, I was jealous of someone taking her away but I mean…’  Willow’s mind showed her a picture of a hand slowly touching Tara softly and the Slayer felt an anger spring up inside her that scared her from the suddenness of it.  ‘This can’t be true, not with my best friend.’  Willow forced an image of Tara in a young man’s embrace, again feeling a jealousness eat her up inside.  Then the image came, Tara and Willow, holding each other and kissing.  ‘I can’t be in love like this,’ Willow thought to herself.  ‘Not with someone who can’t love me back, please, not with someone who can never love me back.  Not with Tara, not with another woman.’  Willow felt a part of her crack while another part of her swam in thoughts of her friend.  Willow picked the book up and, as she was leaving the house, threw it into the paper recycle dumpster.

                As 7:00am rolled around, Willow entered the small magic shop, mixed emotions dancing around in the back of her mind as she greeted Tara.  Willow smiled to herself as she saw everyone researching and helping out: Anya at the register near her precious money looking through books laid about the glass counter, the other Willow sitting at the same table that Tara was doing her research at.  Buffy was leaning against a bookshelf, working her way through her own text volume, but there seemed to be no Giles.  In fact, Willow noticed for what seemed like the first time, there hadn’t been a Giles around here at all that she had ever seen.  The Slayer decided to file that away in the back of her head; no need to worry about anything except getting home.  Getting home to Tara.

                “Shut up.” Willow mumbled to herself.  The redhead noticed Anya, who was closest, look up at her.  Willow blushed slightly and bent her head down and sat down near Tara and her identical counterpart.  Tara informed the young Slayer where they were at in the research and handed Willow a book they hadn’t started in.  The blonde gave a general description of the spell that they were looking for.  Willow leaned back in her chair and rubbed her groggy eyes as she began leafing through the pages slowly

 

I’m hungry, we should stop for lunch,” Anya stated.  Willow watched as Tara paused from her reading and looked up at the shopkeeper.

                “We need to keep going, it’s very important that we find this spell as soon as possible I think.”  From behind, Willow heard Dawn chime in.

                “Lunch is important too.  Mom always said lunch is one of the most important meals of the day.”

                “No she didn’t…” the Slayer responded looking at Dawn, and then Willow fell silent.  Willow realized that the young girl near here wasn’t her sister, didn’t even have the same parents as she did.  Willow felt a sudden realization slip into her mind as she looked up at her counterpart.  “They’re alive aren’t they?  Mom and Dad?” Willow asked to the other Willow sitting across from her, who just gave a blank stare back.  “Ira and Shelia, they’re alive?  Are they?”  Willow could tell that her voice was raising to an anxious yell almost.  “Their numbers…  Where they’re working at, I need them.  I need to call them before I leave.  Please Willow, I need to talk to them.”  The young redhead watched as the woman across the table dug into a purse that was sitting near her and fished out a small phone book and pointed out the numbers that would let Willow call Ira and Shelia.  “Keep researching without me, I need to make these calls, I’m sorry.”  The redhead took the book over to the shop’s phone, ignoring all the looks that she got.  Slowly, tentatively, she picked up the hand set and started dialing the first number to Shelia Rosenberg.  Finally, after dealing with a few intermediaries, Willow got ahold of the mother.

                “Willow dear, what can I do for you?”  Willow chuckled at the comment.  Her mother was never that intuitive or overtly emotional and the almost cool response on the phone brought back memories.

                “I just…  I was just calling to say hi was all,” Willow said trying to force tears back.  ‘I’m calling to say sorry for Faith, for me, for not being there,’ rang through Willow’s mind.  “And to say I love you.  I miss you guys, you know that right?”  Willow listened to an audible pause on the phone.

                “We miss you too dear, is everything alright?” she heard the woman say.

                “Yeah, everything is going ok.  That was it…  I just, I just wanted to say I love you Mom and I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done to you,” the redhead said as she started to cry.  ‘Me and Dawn both miss you.’

                “You haven’t done anything to us dear, unless you haven’t told me something.”  Willow laughed out loud.

                “No, I haven’t done anything bad as of late Mom, I just…  I just wanted to say I love you and miss you was all.  I have to go now, I’m on a limited time schedule thing.”

                “Well ok dear, I’ll talk to you later then?”  Willow sighed.

                “Yeah,” Willow lied.  Slowly she hung up the phone and turned in the phone book to the man that was the other Willow’s father and called the number.  Willow talked to the man for some time longer then her mother, asking him about his work and how he was.  She felt she had never really gotten to know her father and felt herself trying hard to make up for years of ignoring through the one phone call.  After what seemed like not enough time, Willow felt a tap on her shoulder.  Turning around, she saw Tara standing next to her with a page opened that she was pointing to, the spell home.

                “You have to go?” Ira asked to Willow’s comment in the phone.

                “Yeah Dad.  I love you, you and Mom ok?  I just want to let you know that.  And if I had a little sister, she’d love you both too, ok?”

                “Are you feeling ok dear?” Willow heard him say.

                “Yeah, yeah I’m ok, I gotta go now.  Bye Dad, I’ll miss you.”

                “Ok dear, when you get a chance, you can call me again if you still want to talk ok?” Ira added in.

                “Ok,” Willow smiled into the phone and hung up. 

                “It’s time.  We’re setting things up now.  You can help over there with Buffy if you want, she’s picking out the items from her list.”  Willow smiled up at Tara and felt herself blush.

                “Ok,” Willow replied.  Buffy was at a shelf near the glass counter that Anya’s register sat at, slowly going through a list.  Willow tapped the other Slayer on the shoulder and inquired as to what she could help with.  With Buffy’s guidance, the two started working through the list together, Buffy calling out the item names, Willow taking them off shelves and placing them on the table near the back of the room.  As they finished up Willow pulled Buffy aside.

                “Hey Buffy I wanted to tell you something.  It’s something that I never really got to tell you, well…  The other Buffy.  I wanted to say thank you for coming to Sunnydale.  Thank you for being my friend and…  I sometimes wonder if what I’m doing is right or if it would be as good as what Buffy would do and I want to thank you for that.  Even when I doubt myself because of that I’m still thankful that I have someone to gauge myself against, you know?  Even after the Master, it always felt like you were still there with me in some way and I just wanted to thank you for everything that you gave to us all; me, Xander, Giles, all of us.  I know this may sound corny, but we all miss and love you.  We all want you to know that we’re thankful you came into our lives.”  Willow watched as Buffy smiled and stretched out to hug her.  The two held each other for a moment then Buffy backed away, letting Willow move to her spot near Tara for the spell that was going to start momentarily.

                “Ok, Willow, I’m going to need you to stand in the middle of the circle on the floor and hold this,” Tara stated as she extended a small shiny metal sphere in her hand.  The redhead took a hold of the metallic object and stepped into the center of the painted ritual circle.  She looked about with trepidation.  “Ok, Buffy,” the blonde said, “I’m going to need you to light the candles, every other one in a counter clock wise motion.”  Willow watched the other Slayer pick up a barbeque lighter and move around the circle lighting the candles.  “When Buffy is finished I’ll begin the spell.  Once it’s done, you should simply just appear at the same point in your own dimension.”  Willow felt herself pale a little at the thought of traveling back, having to go through the black abyss again.  “Relax, the ride back should be easy,” Tara said, practically reading the young Slayer’s mind.  Willow still felt the tension in her rise as she watched Buffy finish the last of the candle lighting and Tara beginning the spell.  The redhead tried to concentrate on Tara’s words but couldn’t; instead she could only feel a mixture of fear and elation at going home, at seeing her friends and family, at seeing her Tara.  Willow closed her eyes as images of holding her blonde friend came flooding into her, and when she opened them she felt her stomach leave her for a moment.

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