Useless Ideas 88-94

Useless Idea #88: The Prophecy

Vir's in his quarters, reading through his books. He looks up as someone enters.
"Oh, hello, Buffy," he says.
"Hey, Vir." Buffy flops down in a chair. "It's getting crazy out there, you know?"
Vir nods. "I know. That's why I'm looking through the books, trying to understand it..."
"Something's happening in Downbelow. A lot of people are turning up dead...Then there's this Sheridan guy of yours, and that bald guy he hangs with..." Buffy shakes her head. "They go down into the docking bays, and then come out with an armload of data chips, talking about 'making modifications' and 'preparing for the defense'. What's up with that?"
Vir frowns. "I hadn't heard that."
"Well, now you have. I don't suppose I could have the night off for enlightening you, could I?"
"No chance. Patrols can't wait."
Buffy rolls her eyes, and leaves. Hours later she returns and confronts Vir.
"It's on a rampage in Downbelow, Vir. I need you to help me stop it."
"Stop what?" Vir frowns.
"The Evil Penguin. Word is that something was taken from it--and now it's pissed Roaming out of its normal territory, killing people. *It's* behind all the deaths..."
Vir grabs her shoulders, stares at her. "There's a reason we leave that creature alone, Buffy. The prophecies say that if you face the Evil Penguin, you'll die!"
Buffy waves it away. "Yadda, yadda, yadda. Been there, done that. So let's do this, all right?"
"But--"
"This'll work better if you help me, Vir..."
Vir throws up his arms. "Fine, fine. Nobody ever listens to me, anyway..."
Vir gathers his supplies and they head out. On their way to Downbelow, Vir pauses, looks down a corridor.
"What is it?" Buffy asks.
Vir shakes his head. "I could have sworn I just saw G'kar carrying a pink bunny toward the docking bays..."
They continue on, and soon near the Evil Penguin's lair.
"Okay, you get started," Buffy says. "I'll keep him distracted."
She disappears into the darkness. Vir hears a voice floating out: "Doooo-be-do-be-dooo..."
Then he hears Buffy scream, hears the sounds of fighting and thrashing about--and then a battered Buffy comes flying out of the darkness. She slams into a wall and crumples to the floor. Vir hurries to her side.
"Buffy!" He shakes her.
"You've got to stop it," Buffy gasps. "Hurry!"
Vir leaves her, and reaches into the bag he's brought with him. He pulls out a bottle of beer, and sets it on the floor. He backs up a few feet and sets down another one. Then another one and another...
Soon, he sees the penguin emerge from the darkness and start moving down the line of beers, gathering them up.
Vir leaves a trail of bottles down into the docking bays, and sets the last beer just inside a hatchway. Then he hurries for cover.
Soon the penguin arrives. When it steps into the hatchway for the last beer, Vir slams the door closed and hits a button...

Up in C&C, Corwin turns to Lochley. "Captain, we've got an escape pod launching."
"What the hell is going on, here?" Lochley pulls at her hair. "Don't people know that *I'm* in charge, now? They'll leave when *I* want them to leave, damn it!"
"Well, too late, now," Corwin says. "Should we retrieve it?"
Lochley shakes her head. "Screw 'em. Just let that thing drift off wherever it's programmed to go."
"But it's heading for the Rim."
"Who isn't, lately?"
"Ooookay..." Corwin checks his boards again. "Captain, ambassador G'kar requests permission for his shuttle to depart the station."
Lochley shakes her head. "Ohhhh, no! This one can wait! He'll leave when *I* say he can. I am the *left* hand of vengeance, and I'll..."

Meanwhile, Vir returns to Buffy's side, finds her dead. Weeping, he hurries her off to Medlab.
Franklin looks over the body, frowns.
"This looks bad," he says.
Vir grabs his shirt, shakes him. "She's dead, doctor! Fix it!"
Franklin shakes his head. "I didn't say she was dead." He looks around at the medical crew. "Did any of you say she was dead?"
They all shake their heads.
"No, Vir," Franklin says. "This is what we call 'metabolic shutdown'."
"What's that mean?"
"It means keeping our butts covered in case we decide to bring someone back later."
"Can you do anything?"
Franklin ponders it. "There is one thing I've been working on...but for now, we'll just stick her in a cryo-tube."
"Ooooh, I hope that won't mess up her hair," Vir says. "She'll kill me for that..."

B Minus 6

UI #89: The Preparations Begin

Sheridan and Delenn are in the station gardens. High above them, maintenance workers scramble about, constructing a huge tube running right down the axis of the station.
"You say this is supposed to help in our defense?" Delenn says.
Sheridan nods. "The message from the Marcuses contained data from the various dimensions they've visited. Pieces of technology that might be useful. Of course, once the Marcuses themselves get here, we'll be that much better off."
"I still do not know about all this, John. I mean--spoo? We're supposed to fear spoo?"
"Apparently so."
"It just seems so silly," Delenn says. "No more than hanging your socks in the bathroom, but..."
"Excuse me?" Sheridan says. "At least it's better than leaving your panty hose all over the floor."
Delenn puts her hands on her hips. "Oh, really? Let's talk about leaving the toilet seat up, Mr. Back-From-The-Dead! How much effort does it take to put it back down when you're done, anyway? Or can't you humans handle that?"
"How much effort does it take? About the same amount as *looking* before you sit down!"
High above them, the maintenance crews stop to watch the bickering...

Meanwhile, in the docking bays, Pinky and The Brain, inside their G'kar suit, sit at the controls of their shuttle.
"How long is it going to take Lochley to give us clearance?" Brain says.
"Relax, Brain," Pinky says. "You've got to give her time to settle into her role. Poit!"
"Yes, but we've been waiting here for three days!"
"Well, the time always goes by faster with a good story..."
Brain shakes his head. "I swear, if you recite "How the Vorlon Stole Christmas' again, I'll have to hurt you, Pinky."
A voice comes over the comlink. "Ambassador G'kar, this is C&C. You're free to depart for Epsilon Three."
"Thank you," Brain growls. He activates the engines, and the shuttle begins to slip out of the dock.

Up in C&C, Corwin and Lochley watch G'kar's shuttle as it begins its departure. The Sheridan walks in. "Where's G'kar going?" he asks.
"Epsilon Three," Lochley says.
Just then, Corwin calls out, "Captain, something's coming through the jumpgate. Some kind of dimensional disturbance...I think it's a White Star..."
Sheridan grins. "That must be the cavalry."
Out of the jumpgate emerges a White Star--a broken and shattered White Star, tumbling end over end.
"This," Sheridan says, "does not bode well..."

B Minus 5

UI #90: Lost In Space

Pinky and The Brain's shuttle is heading for Epsilon Three when suddenly a battered White Star emerges from the jumpgate--and heads right for them!
"Quick, Pinky!" Brain calls. "Fire the maneuvering thrusters!"
"You mean this?" Pinky says, reaching for a control.
"No, not that!" Brain says, but too late. Pinky hit the control and the shuttle shoots wildly forward, away from Epsilon Three and into the jumpgate.
The shuttle careens out of control through hyperspace. Pinky points out the window at the lightshow, eyes wide. "Naaaarf...Look at the pretty swirlies, Brain!"
Brain, wrestling with the controls, scowls at Pinky. "I'm going to have to hurt you, Pinky. But later. If I don't get this shuttle under control, we could be lost in here forever."
"Jumpgate!" Pinky says, pointing.
Brain sees a huge spectral hand ripping open a jumpgate, while another grasps the ship and steadies it, turning it toward the gate. Then the hands vanish.
"What in Spielberg's name was *that*?" Brain asks.
Pinky shrugs. Ironheart owed me a few favors. I guess he decided to repay one of them. Narf!"
The ship drops back into normal space. A planet looms ahead. Brain checks his charts.
"It looks like the Vorlon homeworld," he says. "Think of all the technology waiting down there for us, Pinky! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain. But I don't think Keepers come in designer colors."
"No, Pinky. We'll claim the technology for ourselves!"
"Oooooh. Right." Pinky nods. "Can't have too much of that. Poit!"
They take the shuttle down to the surface, but find only a wasteland.
"There's nothing here!" Brain scowls. Then he picks up a signal, heads for it. He finds a shuttle standing near a ring of stone tipped up on its edge.
"Wait a minute," Brain says. "That's the shuttle Bester stole from Babylon 5! And look--there are footprints leading into that ring!"
"Is it a mood ring?" Pinky asks. "I can put it next to my pet rocks!"
"No, Pinky. We're not taking it with us. We don't have the time. And since there's nothing useful here..." Brain steers the ship away, back through the jumpgate, setting a course for Epsilon Three.
"This time, there shouldn't be any problems," Brain says.
Pinky points out the window. "What was that, Brain?"
"What? I don't see anything."
"I thought I just saw something flying nearby."
"Well, it's gone now. What'd it look like?"
Pinky frowns. "It looked like a big cube of spoo."

B Minus 4

Useless Idea #91: The Revival

The shattered White Star tumbles through space near the station. Up in C&C, Corwin calls out, "Captain, I'm picking up some life readings...very faint."
"Send a rescue team out," Lochley orders.
A team shuttles out to the White Star, and soon returns with one survivor, badly wounded, who's hustled into Medlab. Sheridan and Lochley accompany the patient there.
"Hey," Franklin says. "He looks just like Marcus!"
"He is Marcus," Sheridan says. At Franklin's baffled look, he adds, "Just trust me, I'll explain later."
Franklin shrugs and sets about healing his patient.
Hours later, Marcus is lying in bed, weak but conscious. He looks up at Sheridan. "The torpedo..."
Sheridan nods. "It arrived. We're making the modifications to the station."
"Not that anyone approved it with *me*," Lochley growls. "Everybody keeps pulling rank."
"Bitch, bitch, bitch," Sheridan says, rolling his eyes.
"Good," Marcus says. "Good. Let's just hope it's enough."
Just then, Vir hurries into the Medlab and grabs Dr. Franklin at Marcus's bedside. "Doctor, you said you've made some progress, that you could help Buffy?" He sees Marcus. "Oh, hi, Marcus." He looks back at Franklin. "So? Can you revive her?"
Franklin smiles. "Indeed." He takes Vir over to Buffy's cryo-tube, and Vir can see that she's been hooked up into the alien healing device.
"I've been able to modify the device so that it will bring back the dead," Franklin says. "Damn, I'm good. Of course, to do so, we'll have to completely drain the donor of life-energy, killing them in the process, but hey!" He shrugs.
"So, who do we hook up?" Vir says.
Everyone in the room looks at the recuperating Marcus.
"Hey," Marcus says, holding his hands up. "Don't look at me."
Franklin frowns. "Okay, then, we have no other choice."
Franklin signals to two of his assistants, who grab Lochley by the arms and start to drag her toward the machine.
"Wait a minute!" Lochley says, struggling. "What's going on, here?"
"Sorry, Captain," Franklin says. "It seems that there are just too many people who haven't taken a shine to you. In their eyes, you're expendable. And who am I to argue, eh?"
"You can't do this!" Lochley wails as she's hooked into the machine. "I was on 'Lois and Clark' during its best season, damn it! I was on 'Lois and Clark'...!"
Her cries trail off as her life-energy is sucked from her.
Inside her cyro-tube, Buffy begins to stir, then opens her eyes. "Deja vu," she says, sitting up.
"Buffy, you're alive!" Vir cries, hugging her.
"Yeah, yeah, keep it under control, Flounder," she says. "You Centauri don't do mushy very well."
Nearby, Marcus looks over at her. "I don't suppose you have any expertise in fighting spoo, do you, Buffy? We'll need every advantage we can get."
"Spoo?" Buffy shrugs. "Not really, but I could give it a shot."
"No, Buffy!" Vir says, shaking her. "The prophecies say that if you fight the spoo, you'll die!"
Buffy shakes her head. "How many of those stupid prophecies are there, anyway...?"

B Minus 3

Useless Idea #92: The Coup

Sheridan's inspecting the new modifications to the station when a maintenance worker comes running up.
"Sir, everything's ready. But what should we do with that photon torpedo?" he asks.
Sheridan shakes his head. "Space it. It was only used to carry the data to us. Let's just hope that data saves us."
The maintenance worker nods and heads off.
Up in C&C, Corwin picks up a signal on his boards, looks out to see the jumpgate opening. "Oh, my God!" he cries. "It's them! It's them! The Spoo have arrived! We're doomed!"
A moment later everyone sees, not the spoo cube, but a shuttle emerge from the jumpgate.
"That's G'kar's shuttle," someone says.
Everyone looks at Corwin, who scowls at them, embarrassed. "Oh, like you didn't think the same thing? Bunch of nameless extras..."
Aboard the shuttle, Pinky and The Brain steer their way down into the chasm of the Great Machine, and land on one of the docking pads.
"What's up with the lights?" Pinky asks. "They're all dim."
"They must be on back-up, since their primary power source is missing," Brain says, looking at the pink bunny in the seat beside them.
"In any event," he adds, "we won't be needing the G'kar suit anymore, so..."
The two of them hop out of the suit. Brain grabs the bunny and they start through the corridors of the Great Machine.
They haven't gone very far when they turn a corner and run into Draal. Zathras 12 is standing near him.
"You!" Draal says, pointing. "You have the bunny! Zathras 12, arrest them!"
Zathras 12 shakes his head. "No can do. I can only take orders from the one running the machine. That title's up for grabs at the moment. You'll have to handle this one on your own."
Draal scowls and runs away.
"Wuss," Zathras 12 mutters.
The two mice hurry on. Rounding another corner, they see a horde of Zathrases up ahead. The Zathrases start moving toward the mice, all of them hunched over and snapping their fingers in unison.
"Brain..." Pinky whispers. "They're frightening me..."
"This way, Pinky! Hurry!" Brain shouts, running off into a side corridor.
Another horde of Zathrases appears in front of them, also snapping their fingers.
"They're everywhere!" Pinky shouts. "No more snapping! No more snapping!" he pleads.
"Be quiet, Pinky! Let's go into this air duct!"
They slip into the small air duct, follow it into a room with a hole in the floor.
"This is it," Brain says. "This is the power room."
He hooks the bunny into its socket, and suddenly the lights in the room brighten.
"Quickly, now!" Brain says. "We have to beat Draal to the control area!"
They go running off through the ducts, and soon arrive at the control area. They hear an angry shout, and see Draal heading their way.
Brain jumps up and hits a control button, sealing the doors of the chamber.
"Yes!" Brain shouts. "We're nearly there, Pinky!"
"Egad, Brain!" Pinky says. "Oh, no...wait. You'll never be able to fit into that thing." He points to the control area, where the arms and legs of the controller would fit.
Brain frowns, paces back and forth. "So close, to be denied by mere height discrimination?" Then he brightens. "I've got it! We'll just modify this thing. Pinky, find me all the extension cords and duct tape you can!"
"Right, Brain!" Pinky salutes, goes running off.
"I'm not out of this yet," Brain says...

B Minus 2

Useless Idea #93: The Arrival

Sheridan's up in C&C running the crew through battle drills, planning for the arrival of the Spoo. Suddenly he hears a strange, rhythmic whirring noise, and turns to see a blue police call box materialize near the door. The door of the call box opens and a curly-haired man in a longcoat and scarf comes out.
"Ah, we made it," the man says, patting the call box proudly.
"Who the hell are you?" Sheridan asks.
The man grins. "I'm the Doctor."
"Doctor who?" Sheridan says.
"Exactly."
"What exactly are you doing here?" Sheridan asks. Then he stares in surprise as someone else emerges from the call box: Bester!
The Doctor gestures at Bester. "This odd little fellow came and found me, told me you'd need my help fighting something called the Spoo. Haven't seen the chap in years, and back then he was calling himself Chekov. I think he's gone a bit crazy, if you ask me."
"You got that right. So what can you do to help us?"
The Doctor reaches back into the call box, pulls out a white coat rack with buttons on the front. "Fire this at the Spoo, and it will destroy them."
"That's a coat rack," Sheridan says.
"No, no. Trust me," the Doctor says. "It just looks like one. That's the beauty of it. Use your imagination."
"Oookay." Sheridan calls an officer over, orders him to load the object into a launcher.
A short while later, Corwin calls out, "Mr. President, something's coming through the jumpgate. Something *big*."
Everyone tenses, and watches a huge pale cube emerge from the jumpgate.
A voice booms over the speakers. "WE ARE THE SPOO. YOUR BIOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS WILL BE ADDED TO OUR OWN. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE."
"This is it, people," Sheridan says. He turns to the gunner. "Fire the coat rack thing."
The gunner fires, and the object shoots out toward the Spoo cube. Hopes rise...and then it bounces harmlessly off the cube and drifts away. Sheridan turns back to the Doctor.
"Ah. Well," the Doctor says. "I guess it really was a coat rack. I must have grabbed the wrong one." He looks out at the approaching cube, then back at Sheridan. "Must dash!"
He ducks back inside the call box, which disappears with the odd whirring noise.
"Okay, let's do it right this time," Sheridan says. "Time to put those modifications to work. Open the docking bay doors."
The docking bay doors slide open.
"Goggles, everyone."
Everyone dons their goggles.
Sheridan turns to Corwin. "Fire the Wave Motion Gun."
Corwin pulls the trigger, and a huge burst of energy shoots from the reactors at the rear of the station, down the newly constructed axial tube and out through the docking bays.
The beam strikes the Spoo cube dead on, burning it away into nothingness. A cheer goes up from the command crew.
It takes a few moments for the power to come back online, and then Corwin, scanning his boards, breaks the cheerful mood. "Sir," he says to Sheridan. "I think we have a problem."
Outside the station, dozens of jumpgates open up, a Spoo cube emerging from each one, surrounding the station.
Sheridan turns and looks off-camera. "Stunt double!"

B Minus 1

Useless Idea #94: The Final Battle

Dozens of Spoo cubes have arrived around the station.
"Prepare to fire the Wave Motion Gun again," Sheridan shouts. "At least we'll be able to take some of them with us!"
Corwin grins. "Watch this," he says, and pulls the trigger.
There's a grinding, whirring sound, but nothing happens.
"Watch what?" Sheridan says.
Corwin checks his boards. "Looks like we fried the mechanism with that first bolt. I think we're in trouble."
Sheridan raises an eyebrow. "No Wave Motion Gun?"
"It's not my fault!" Corwin says.
Suddenly an ISN reporter comes barging onto the command deck, speaking into a hovering camera. "Is this the end of Babylon 5? Will our last, best hope for peace be blown to smithereens? Mr. President," he says, moving up into Sheridan's face. "Can you share with our viewers what you're--"
Sheridan belts him one, and the man folds like a puppet. Everyone applauds.
The Spoo continue to close in, and the defense grid opens up. But there are just too many cubes.
Even as everyone in C&C prepares for the inevitable, Corwin calls out, "Mr. President, something's happening down on Epsilon Three. Picking up some weird readings..."
Suddenly, a flurry of missiles and laser beams comes roaring up from Epsilon Three, tearing through the Spoo armada, annihilating them left and right. Within minutes, there is nothing left, the Spoo having been completely disintegrated.
Then a huge hologram of a mouse's head appears in every area of the station.
"I am The Brain," he says. "I have saved you from certain destruction. The Alliance Council will sign complete and total control of the galaxy over to me, or I will turn the Great Machine's firepower on you. I give you ten minutes."
The hologram disappears, and an emergency meeting is called. Ten minutes later, Sheridan and the Alliance Council face the hologram of The Brain.
"Your decision?" Brain says.
Sheridan hangs his head. "To preserve lives, and our own future episode appearances, we turn over control of the galaxy to you. Hail, Brain!"
"Hail, Brain!" the others chant.
Brain is exultant. "YYYYYYYYYES!!!!!"
Suddenly, the station rocks from an impact.
"What was that?" Sheridan says.
A voice comes over the speakers. "C&C, this is Delta Leader."
"What's going on out there, Delta Leader?" Sheridan says.
"A beam just shot up from Epsilon Three, hit the back of the station. You know that graffiti on the hull back here? The one that says 'Created by J. Michael Straczynski'?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, some of it's been altered. Now it says, 'Ruled by The Brain'."

And so dawns the Fourth Age of Mankind...

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