Useless Ideas 81-87
After the conflict with the Drazi, Sheridan sits at the council table with the signed scrolls before him, and talks to Delenn. Then G'kar walks in and gathers up the scrolls, and gives Sheridan a new version.
Sheridan scans it. "This is better," he says, surprised. "But what's this fine print, here?"
"Nothing important," G'kar says. "Don't worry about it."
They hurry off, gather all the ambassadors together again. G'kar hands out the new scrolls, and the pens to sign them with. After everyone has signed, G'kar picks up the scrolls and walks off.
When he reaches his quarters, he locks the door, puts the scrolls on the table. Then he lowers his head, closes his eyes and stands motionless.
There's a *whir* and a *click*, and suddenly a hatch pops open atop G'kar's head. Two white mice clamber out.
"YYYYYES!" the small one says. "This time, we've done it, Pinky!" He gestures to the scrolls. "Little do they know, but that fine print on the declaration actually signs control of the galaxy over to ME!"
Pinky looks at the scrolls. "Egad, you astound me, Brain! This is almost as good as having five fingers now! But...won't they be upset when they find out we fed the *real* G'kar to the Pak'mara? Especially the Narns!"
"They would, but they'll never find out," Brain says. "Which is a good thing; the Narns can be especially vicious."
"And they've got those spoooky red eyes," Pinky says, wiggling his fingers.
"Stop worrying about it, Pinky!" Brain unrolls one of the scrolls, and cries out, "Aaagh! Someone didn't sign this!"
He hurries to another, sees that that one is unsigned as well. All of them turn out to be unsigned.
"I don't understand this!" he cries. "I saw all of them sign the declaration! How is this possible? I even supplied the pens!"
"Oh, those," Pinky says. "Well, I didn't really like the ones you bought, so I found some identical ones in the Zocalo. But these new ones are REALLY neat, with disappearing ink and everything! I got them for a steal! And they had these other pens with pictures of Vorlons on them, and when you tilted the pen, the encounter suit disappeared, and--"
Brain starts to growl, then starts heading toward Pinky with a murderous expression on his face.
"Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Pinky?" he snarls.
"I think so, Brain. But *I* thought that Psi-Corps dress made Lyta looks kind of fat."
"Close enough." And Brain bonks Pinky on the head. Then he sighs. "I feel cleansed, now."
"Look on the bright side, Brain!" Pinky says. "At least we still have the G'kar suit."
'
"True..." Brain rubs his chin. Then he starts to walk away. "Come along, Pinky, we must prepare for tomorrow night."
"Why, Brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night?"
"Same thing we do every night, Pinky! Try to take over the galaxy!"
They're dinky, they're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...
UI #82: Unexpected Visitors
In *another* universe, near *another* station...a lone ship hovers in a wormhole, preparing to make a last stand against the thousands of enemy warships that will soon appear and try to claim the galaxy. Then suddenly the enemy ships vanish without a trace, and the heroes reclaim their station...
Meanwhile, on Babylon 5, Sheridan is up in C&C with the recently returned telepath Mr. Grey.
"When I heard about Bester's condition, I knew I had to come right away," Grey says. "Is it really as bad as everyone says?"
Sheridan nods. "Always screaming about photon torpedoes, whatever the hell THEY are. He hasn't been the same since the visit to the Vorlon homeworld..."
"Photon torpedoes, eh?" Grey laughs nervously. "Yeah, that sure is crazy. Yep. What a kook."
"I'll be grateful of any help you can give me with this Byron guy, too..."
"Mr. President!" Corwin shouts. "Something's coming through the jumpgate!"
"Well, since nobody's seen Captain Lochly for a while"--Sheridan pauses for the ominous music--"I guess *I'll* have to handle this."
He goes to the window with Mr. Grey, and they watch as ship after ship pours out of the jumpgate.
"What the hell are those?" he asks.
"Jem'Hadar," Grey says. "Well, kiss my shamrocks and call me Irish!"
Grey opens a comlink. "This is Vorta Way-out, contacting the Jem'Hadar," he tells an alien face.
"Way-out?" the Jem-Hadar says. "Don't you mean Weyoun?" Then he says, "Wait a minute! You're the *other* one! Well, spank my dilithium crystals and call me Scotty! How the hell have you been?"
"Good, good," Grey grins. "Why don't you come on over? The white's on me!"
"Will do," the Jem'Hadar says. "You do have transporters here, don't you?"
"'Fraid not," Grey says.
"Replicators?"
"Nope."
"Nope."
"Photon torpedoes?"
"Nope."
"I'm in hell, aren't I?"
"Not even close. Just come on over." Grey signs off.
Sheridan comes to his side. "What the hell is going on?"
"I have to tell you up front--I'm not from this dimension," Grey says. "I'm part of a race called the Vorta. We control the Jem'Hadar, an unstoppable killing force. Most Vorta have these big, weird ears. I did, too, but then I got wasted on some Romulan ale and had my ears removed on a bar bet. The Jem'Hadar loved it, but the Founders hated it, and banished me here."
"And what about them?" Sheridan asks, pointing out at the ships.
"Well, I *am* the ranking Vorta hereabouts, so the entire fleet falls under my command."
"This is great!" Sheridan cheers. "We can crush the Drakh now!"
"Of course," Grey muses, "we'll need to keep them supplied with ketricell white."
Franklin pops his head out of the ceiling. "What's ketricell white?"
Sheridan jumps back. "What the hell is this? 'Laugh-In'?"
Grey explains it to Franklin, and adds, "Once their supply runs out, they'll all die."
"Sounds like liquified spoo would do the trick just fine," Franklin says.
"Perfect!" Grey says. "The galaxy will soon be MINE!" He throws back his head. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--!"
He breaks off as everyone in C&C stares at him. "Uh...of course I meant that in the best possible way..."
UI #83: The Further Adventures of Mack and Bo (Put on those cross-referencing hats, folks!)
Maintenance workers Mack and Bo are sitting together, eating lunch.
"What have you got today?" Bo asks.
"Spoo," Mack says. "Want to try some?"
"Ugh! I told you I didn't like that stuff."
"Yeah, but this is new spoo. They just started selling it." Mack hands Bo the sandwich.
Bo takes a bite. "Mmmm...tastes like Centauri."
Mack frowns. "What?"
"Uh...nothing! I didn't say anything!"
"Yes, you did, you said it tasted like--"
He's interrupted when the voice of his supervisor comes over the comlink. "Mack, Bo, we need you to repair a conduit down in Brown sector."
"We're on it," Mack says.
The two of them head down into Brown sector. Bo takes off a wall panel, and finds that he can see into the next compartment. "Mack, look at this, it's those telepaths."
Mack joins him. "Wait a minute, who's that coming into the room?"
"Looks like ambassador G'kar," Bo says.
The watch the Narn ambassador stop in front of Byron, then they gasp as a hatch pops open in G'kar's head and two tiny mice emerge.
"So," Byron says to the mice. "You said you wanted to involve me in some sort of plan?"
Just then, one of the telepaths turns and looks right at Mack and Bo.
"Gah!" they both cry, slapping the panel back in place and running away.
Shortly thereafter, their supervisor radios them again. "You guys done in Brown sector?"
"Yeah!" Mack says. "Absolutely!"
"Good. There's a problem down in the docking bays with the sensors. Take care of it."
Mack and Bo head down into the docking bay, where they find Sheridan and Garibaldi standing before a black, flattened cylinder.
As the two maintenance workers go about their business, they hear the men speaking.
"So what do you think it is?" Sheridan says.
"Beats me," Garibaldi says. "Damn thing just came out of the jumpgate and drifted here. Sensors picked up some kinds of dimensional disturbance, but..."
Suddenly the Psi-Cop Bester comes bouncing into the room. "Captain, the Romulans are coming! The Romulans are coming! Preparing to fire the--" he breaks off when he sees the strange object. "Phooooton torpeeeedo," he leers. "Oooooohhh..."
"You know what this is?" Sheridan says.
Bester ignores him and starts fondling the torpedo.
"Bester," Sheridan says. "Will you stop drooling on it and tell us what it is?"
Bester grins and jumps on top of the object, hopping up and down on it. "Phoooton torpeeedo! Phooooton torpeeeedo! Phooton torpeeeedo...!"
Mack and Bo exchange strange looks. Then, their job done, they head out, leaving the three men behind.
As they head down the corridor, they see a man-like creature with a warped face and sharp teeth fly around the corner and slam into the wall near them.
"What kind of alien is that?" Mack says.
"You got me," Bo shrugs.
Then a bouncy blonde girl appears. She punches the creature, then whips out a wooden stake and drives it into the creature's heart. The thing turns to dust before their eyes.
As Mack and Bo stare at the girl in shock, she comes over to them and grins. "Hey, you guys got any gum?"
"Uh, sure," Bo says, handing her a pack.
"Thanks!" And she strolls away.
Mack and Bo look at each other, then continue on in silence.
Soon, their supervisor contacts them again. "Okay, guys, we've got a problem with a power junction in Downbelow."
"What part of Downbelow?" Mack asks.
The supervisor tells him.
"What?!" Bo says. "Couldn't you find someone else?"
"Sorry, guys, you're the only ones available."
Mack and Bo go on their way.
"I don't like this," Mack says as they near the sector in question. "This place gives me the creeps."
"You're telling me," Bo says. "All sorts of weird stories about this area. People disappearing, and such..."
They reach their destination and start to work on the power junction.
"I heard the last crew that came down here never returned," Bo says.
"Yeah, I know," Mack says. "Let's just finish up and--"
Suddenly there's a *pop!*, and the lights go out.
"What the hell's going on?" Mack says. "What's--"
"Quiet!" Bo says, holding up a hand. "Do you hear that?"
"Hear what?"
They stand in silence, and after a moment they can hear a voice drifting toward them through the darkness: "Dooo-be-do-be-doooooo..."
"Aaaaagh!" Both Mack and Bo scream and scramble madly through the dark, trying to find their way out. Eventually they do. Back in safer surroundings, their fear fades.
"Mack, do you ever get the impression that our fates are in the hands of a total lunatic?" Bo asks.
"After today?" Mack says. "Definitely..."
UI #84: Fatal Attraction
The day after the mysterious alien attack on the station, Delenn returns to her quarters and finds someone waiting there for her. It's one of the maintenance workers she'd met.
"Hello, Mack," she says. "What brings you here?"
"Hi, Delenn," Mack smiles. "I was thinking that maybe we could go out, grab some dinner or something."
"Uhhh...no. I have plans with John."
"How about a movie? Maybe a walk in the gardens?"
"No. Listen, Mack, I--"
Mack frowns. "What's going on here? Huh? I thought we had something after yesterday."
"All we did was talk."
"Do you think you can just toss me aside? I won't be IGNORED!"
"Riiight." Delenn starts backing away.
Just then, Sheridan walks into the room. He looks at Mack. "Can I help you?" he says.
"No, just leaving, sir." Mack hurries off.
Delenn doesn't tell Sheridan about the encounter, and Sheridan heads off to the bathroom to wash his socks.
The next day, Delenn and Sheridan return to their quarters, and Delenn frowns at a boiling pot on the range.
"Did you leave something cooking?" Sheridan asks.
"No..." Delenn heads into the kitchen, while Sheridan moves off to the other rooms. Cautiously, Delenn approaches the boiling pot. She reaches out for the lid, starts to raise it...
"Hey, Delenn," Sheridan calls. "Have you seen my socks? I--"
Delenn screams when she sees the socks boiling inside the pot!
Sheridan comes running, and frowns when he sees the socks. "Wow, I've never been able to get them *that* clean before. I'll have to remember this little trick..."
Then Delenn tells him about her run-in with Mack.
"I'll take care of it, Delenn," Sheridan says. "That man is obviously disturbed. Great cleaning skills, but obviously disturbed."
Sheridan tracks down Mack who's busy waving the vacuum-cleaner-like machine over the floor of the corridor.
"Let's talk, Mack," Sheridan says. "I know you've been harassing my wife."
"Your wife is madly in love with me. She just doesn't want to admit it."
"Yeah, whatever," Sheridan waves it away. "Tell you what: I'll give you twenty credits to stop hassling her."
Mack ponders it. "Mmmmm...no."
"Okay, I'll give you twenty credits *and* tell you what that vacuum-cleaner thing actually does."
"Really?" Mack sticks out his hand. "Deal!"
Sheridan hands him the credits, then leans in and quietly tells him about the machine.
Mack listens intently, then his eyes go wide. "No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It can't be!" He stares at the machine in horror, then whips out his ppg gun and points it at his head.
"Wait a minute!" Sheridan shouts. "Wait a minute!" He points to a stain on his shirt. "I've got this stain, here, that just won't come out..."
"Try a little club soda," Mack says.
"Yeah? Thanks!"
Mack nods, then pulls the trigger. BAM!
Sheridan walks over to the body and retrieves his credits. Then he lifts Mack's wallet for good measure.
Bo, who just happened to be standing nearby the whole time, says, "So, Mr. President, what exactly does that weird thing do? What'd you tell him?"
Sheridan shrugs. "I told him the truth. That it's subliminally inserting the teachings of scientology, political correctness and Rush Limbaugh directly into his brain..."
UI #85: Tokyo, Shmokyo
Twenty years in the future, the Emperor Londo sits on his throne, looking out the window at his beautiful, unmarred city. Then a messenger hurries to his side, breathless.
"Emperor," the messenger says. "We're picking up some disturbing seismic readings. And we've lost contact with our coastal base!"
"Yeah, whatever," Londo waves it away.
"But sir," the messenger persists. "Our patrols report that the cause of the disturbance is some kind of giant lizard! And it's heading straight for us!"
"Lizard, you say?" Londo frowns, considering. Realization hits him. "I want Sheridan and Delenn captured and brought here. Immediately."
"Yes, Emperor. But if I may ask, how are you doing that?"
"Doing what?"
"Well, your lips are moving out of synch with what you're saying, sir."
"Really?" Londo raises an eyebrow. "You're doing the same thing. How odd."
A while later, Londo watches out the window as a huge reptilian shape appears, lumbering through the city, crushing buildings, swatting away fighter ships. Londo watches helplessly as the capital city is reduced to a broken, burning ruin.
Someone then comes to inform him that Sheridan and Delenn have been captured. Londo gets wasted and has the prisoners brought to him.
"You see?" Londo says, pointing out the window. "You see what you've done?"
"How could *I* be responsible for this?" Sheridan asks.
"You remember that present you gave me for my coronation? That little lizard? *That* is what's causing all this!" Londo goes back to the window. "It's grown to gigantic size."
"And whose fault is that?" Sheridan says. "Who said he didn't like the thing, and flushed it down the toilet? Don't you know what happens to lizards down there?"
"How was I supposed to know?" Londo shakes his head. "It must have washed out to sea, and the lingering radiation from the destruction of the Shadow base must have warped it."
"Excuse me," Delenn says. "But I don't see a lizard anywhere."
"Of course not," Londo says. "It's hiding just off-screen, see?" He points. "We've *got* to do the scene this way, so this can be a mysterious glimpse into the future for Sheridan."
"Ah." Delenn nods. "But...did you both know that your lips are out of synch with your voices?"
"Yeah," Londo grins. "Pretty cool, huh? Now listen, I'll let you two go, but you must do it quickly. And you must promise to save my world."
"Uhhh...sure, Londo," Sheridan says. "Whatever you say, man."
"You mean it?"
"You got it, buddy," Sheridan says. "Scout's honor."
"You're sure."
"Absolutely."
"Then hurry to your ship before--"
Suddenly a huge reptilian foot comes crashing down through the ceiling, crushing everyone in the room.
G'kar comes in a moment later and looks upon Londo's corpse. "Well, damn, there goes MY big death scene. Maybe Vir will let me strangle him. Oh, Vir...!"
UI #86: It Begins...
The telepath Byron arrives at the door to ambassador G'kar's quarters. He punches the door chime.
"Who is it?" a voice calls from inside.
"Byron. I have news concerning the matter we discussed."
The door opens, and Byron can see Pinky and The Brain sitting in chair, while the G'kar suit stands idle nearby.
Brain leaps up. "Did you get it?"
Byron shakes his head. "I'm sorry, it's just not possible."
"Argh!" Brain begins to pace. "I told you when I recruited you for this scheme how important all this was!"
"I know, but--"
"There's an energy source down in that sector that I must have, if my goals are to be reached! I thought you and your telepaths would be enough to handle it!"
Byron shrugs> "It's just too dangerous. Whatever's down there, it seems immune to my telepaths. I've lost two of them already. I can't risk anymore."
Brain throws up his hands. "Great! Now what am I supposed to do?"
"Well," Pinky says. "We could spend the afternoon painting little butterflies on the walls!"
Brain frowns. "Yes, Pinky, let's do that. We'll paint little butterflies on the walls and pretend my well-laid plans aren't crumbling around me."
"Oh, goody!" Pinky claps his hands.
"You know," Byron says. "It could be that an alien telepath might have better success..."
"But where am I supposed to find an alien telepath on Babylon 5?" Brain says.
"How about G'kar's son--H'omer?" Byron says.
"H'omer?"
"Egad!" Pinky shouts. "That's brilliant! Oh, no, wait...Brain doesn't let H'omer anywhere near us anymore. Doesn't want him to catch on to The Plan. And H'omer always ate all our doughnuts when he came to visit..."
"Let me handle the negotiations with H'omer," Byron says. "Of course, if Sheridan catches me..."
Brain shakes his head. "He won't. He's spending all his time in the docking bay, trying to figure out that 'photon torpedo'..." He waves Byron away. "So get going!"
Byron leaves, and within hours has the Narn telepath H'omer brought before him.
"We've got a job for you, H'omer," Byron says. "A dangerous one. You could be killed."
H'omer shrugs. "Okay."
Byron leads H'omer down into the depths of the station, into an isolated sector.
"There it is," he says, pointing into the room ahead. A pink bunny with sunglasses and a drum is seen dangling from a noose in the middle of the room. "We need that bunny, H'omer..."
"No problem." H'omer walks forward. As he enters the room, a voice drifts out: "Dooo-be-do-be-doooo..."
A penguin waddles out, and H'omer focuses on it. The penguin stops, and starts scratching its butt. While the bird is thus under his spell, H'omer grabs the bunny and leaves.
Byron takes the bunny from H'omer as they hurry away. "Good work, H'omer! Let's celebrate with some refreshments."
They return to Byron's area of Brown sector. One of the telepaths brings a bowl full of pills, holds it out to H'omer.
"Have some," Byron says.
H'omer grabs a fistful and starts eating them. He leans back, smiling. "Mmmmmmm...cyanide capsules..."
Fifteen minutes later, the telepath holding the bowl whispers to Byron, "He's gone through the whole bow and he's *still* hungry! How can he be alive?"
Byron shrugs. "To quote the bard: it doth beat the hell out of me." He turns to H'omer. "Hey, H'omer, how would you like to inspect an airlock?"
H'omer brightens. "Would I!"
They take him to an airlock, flush him out into space. As he's drifting away, mouth chomping at nothing, Byron can pick up the thought in his mind: "Mmmmmm...vacuum..."
Byron returns with the bunny to G'kar's quarters. Brain accepts the object, throws his hadns up ecstatically. "YYYES! The first phase is complete. Do you know what this means, Pinky?"
Pinky scratches his chin. "Ummm...that that guy from 'Roar' never killed the bunny?"
Brain rolls his eyes. "Close enough, Pinky..."
B Minus 8
UI #87: A Warning
In one of the docking bays, Sheridan and Garibaldi continue their inspection of the photon torpedo, while Bester capers around them.
"Wait a minute," Gairbaldi says. "I think I found a button..."
He pushes the button and the top of the torpedo lifts up. Inside amongst the electronics is a big red button. Sheridan pushes it, and a hologram of Marcus appears.
"This is Marcus 48," the hologram says. "I serve aboard the White Star, our mission to gather our fellow Marcuses from the various dimensions..."
"Hey," Sheridan says. "I remember that ship. A ship full of Ivanovas was chasing it."
"To date, we've collected sixty of us," Marcus continues. "Myself, along with Short Marcus, Ghost Marcus--"
"Fast forward," Sheridan says.
Garibaldi pushes another button, and the hologram speeds up, eventually resuming with, "--arcus, and Six-Million-Dollar Marcus--not that *that* couch potato ever does anything useful. I've seen a lot of weird things in my dimension hopping: I've seen the medical staff succumb to Celtic dancing urges, and Londo dissolved by shampoo; I've seen Kosh revelaed as a giant chicken, and seen the station invaded by people with weird online names. And I've seen the station itself destroyed countless times. But nothing like the threat we now face. Nothing like--"
Suddenly the hologram of Marcus is pushed aside by the hologram of a woman in white. The woman pleads, "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope..."
Marcus pushes back in. "Watch out, sister! This is MY hologram space."
"Oh, yeah?" the woman starts clawing at Marcus, and the two begin to fight.
"Fast forward," Sheridan says.
Garibaldi complies. They watch the accelerated fight.
"Hey!" Garibaldi says at one point. "Did she just stick a crowbar up his--"
"Keep going," Sheridan drawls.
Eventually Marcus pushes the woman aside. "Ah. Now, as I was saying...Nothing I've ever encountered has been like the threat we now face. We encountered it in a war-torn dimension, where Lennier was a great resistance leader. He was also a little bit crazy, if you ask me. But when your enemy is the Spoo, that'll happen."
"The Spoo?" Sheridan says.
"Lennier thought he had destroyed them, and he had. But only one batch. The others came, and eventually conquered his dimension. That would have been the end of it. But then the Spoo assimilated another dimension-hopper: a young man named Quinn Mallory. They thus gained access to the other dimensions, and started to conquer them."
"This isn't sounding good," Garibaldi says.
"We fought them in every dimension, but failed. All our allies fell. The Ivanova Ship was destroyed, the Barney were killed, Wesley Crusher was killed...well, actually *we* killed Wesley Crusher, but the little brat had it coming. So we're sending this message tube ahead to the last untouched dimension, hoping that you might prepare for the fight. We'll be there soon, to help. In the meantime, use the data contained in this torpedo to help plan your defense."
The hologram flickers away.
"This doesn't sound too good," Sheridan says.
"You're telling me," Garibaldi says. Then he looks around. "Hey, where's Bester?"
Sheridan looks around, but can see no sign of the Psi-Cop.
Up in C&C, Corwin turns to Lochley. "Captain, we've got an unauthorized shuttle leaving one of the docking bays."
"What?" Lochley says. "Contact them."
After a moment, the image of Bester appears on the screen.
"Bester," Lochley says. "What's the meaning of this?"
Bester says nothing, and disappears into the jumpgate.
Lochley throws up her hands. "Why do I even bother being the captain? Huh? Can someone explain that to me? No one ever listens..."
One of the maintenance workers speaks up. "Actually..."
Lochley glares at him. "Oh, shut up! You already had your episode..."
B Minus 7
The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille
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