The Plan
In the beginning was the planand then came the assumptions
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the employees
and they spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of caca and it stinks"
and the employees went unto their supervisors, saying
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof"
and the supervisors went unto their managers, saying
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it"
and the managers went unto their directors, saying
"It is a vessel of fertilizers and none may abide its strength"
and the directors went unto their executive directors, saying
"It contains that which aids plant growth and is very strong"
and the executive directors went unto the general manager, saying
"It promotes growth and is very powerful"
and the general manager went unto the board of directors, saying
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency
of this organization and these areas in particular"
and the board of directors looked upon the plan and saw that it was
good and the plan became policy.
This is how S__t happens.
How to Secure a building.
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
speak the same language. For example, if you told:
Navy
personnel to "Secure a building," they would turn off the lights
and lock the doors...
Army
personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines
would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with
suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force,
on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease
with an option to buy.......
10 Best Tools of All Time.....
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; its never been there when you need it.
Besides there are only 10 things in this world you need to fix any car,
any place, any time.
1.
Duct Tape... Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more - in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in concours competitions, but in the real world, everything from LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas rockets use it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
2.
Vice Grips... Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
3.
Spray Lubricants... A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous Little Red Tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross eyed (one of the 10 _worst_ tools of all time).
4.
Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids... If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the pertal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some of course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
5.
Big Rock... at the Side of the Road Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "Made in Malaysia" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
6.
Plastic Zip Ties... After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked-up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur- quality wiring from a working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie under the hood.
7.
Ridiculously Large Craftsman Screwdriver... Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flatbladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver--and you will just like Dad and your shop teacher said--who cares, it has a lifetime guarantee.
8.
Baling Wire... Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concours contenders, since it works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.
9.
Bonking Stick... This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod separator, but how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
10.
A Quarter and a Phone Booth... See tip #1 above
YOU MIGHT BE A HIGH-TECH REDNECK IF.........
Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
You refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy".
If your screen saver is an image of your favorite truck, tractor or farm animal.
You begin all your email with, "Howdy Y'all".
You've doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
The bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a lap-top".
Your lap-top has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson".
Your email address ends in "over.yonder.com".
You connect to the Internet via a "Down Home Page".
Your baseball cap reads "NEC" instead of "CAT".
You have ever used a CD as a coaster".
I won't be coming in to work to day because....
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!If you would like to see some more jokes
click here.If you would like to see some of my favorite Pictures
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