STAR WARS - Hell

Hell.
23 August 1999.

Warning: As usual, this is a dark piece with some strong language.

Disclaimer: George Lucas created Star Wars and it was good. I intend no copyright infringement with the following interpretation of his universe.

Hell

This life, or more correctly, this death, is hell. I wander through the spaces between planets, an insubstantial blue wisp of a thing, as if I don't exist. No one can see me. No one can hear me. I might as well be dead, but I already tried that and just look where it got me.

Perhaps if the Jedi were still alive then I would have some hope. I remember reading the ancient legends when I was younger of individuals so strong in the Force that they could hold on to the living soul of a loved one just before death. Foolishly, I never paid attention to the stories. If I had, perhaps things would have been different. Perhaps I could have reached out and grabbed Qui-Gon's soul just before he left me forever.

It's been so long yet I still miss him intensely. It's a raw gaping hole in my soul. During the long living years without him, I deadened myself to the pain, knowing that someday, someday, we would be together again. I longed for that time. It was my only salvation.

But now I'm stuck in an eternity of hell. So alone....

I had been preparing myself for the moment for most of my life. Ever since that bastard Anakin, my ex-best friend, destroyer of everything that is right and good, betrayed me for the first time I always knew it would end this way.

Vader stood in front of me, breathing in his menacing way, but it did not frighten me. I was merely tired of it all. Tired of looking out for his son, as if I owed him something. The only debt I owed was to Amidala, to protect Luke until he was old enough to decide what he wanted, and then give him a good grounding in the basics of the Force.

There was no way I would dare train him. The legend of the padawan has become all but lost. My hopes for Luke lay with Yoda, who had also been waiting.

My waiting was over. I longed for death and I knew it would give Anakin pleasure to give it to me. Yet I didn't know what he was doing. I thought he would release me into a world far more wondrous than the living one, a world where my love once again lived. I was wrong.

The boy, Luke, arrived. I sent a message through the Force, telling him to go, and then I stared at Vader. It was time. Qui-Gon, I thought, a half-smile on my lips, knowing he would be waiting for me in whatever realm lay beyond this one.

A swish of a lightsaber was all it took. And then I was gone.

And yet...that foolish Luke was still standing there, yelling "NO!" as I once did when my master was struck down by a Sith. A terrible dread settled over my heart...Luke was still watching me? Luke, only the second person in the universe with a higher midi-chlorian count than Yoda?

I half realised then the truth I know now, that the Skywalkers were fated to doom my soul for all time. From the moment I set eyes on Anakin to Luke's unwitting betrayal, all they have ever done to me is kept me away from Qui-Gon.

I had a very bad feeling about it throughout that first day. Dazed, I watched Vader callously stamp on the robe which had once been Qui-Gon's. I wondered if any part of Anakin remained to recognise it. I continued to follow Vader for a while, more out of curiousity over my new state than anything else. I sensed that Luke would be all right for the moment.

Vader ritually incinerated the cloak before sending a message to that Sith bastard Palpatine. I concentrated on Jedi calmness as the cloak burned, telling myself that I was beyond anger over such things now. Yet a part of me remembered how safe I felt in that cloak, the one I had stored carefully for so long until I sensed my death was near.

I had felt powerful in that cloak, alive again, ready for one last crusade. Now it was gone and so was I. Vader concluded his communication and then looked up, right at me, I was sure. A chill went through my non-corporeal heart. "Still here, Obi-Wan?" he asked insidiously. I refused to let him intimidate me.

"You thought death would be better, didn't you?" Vader continued. I wondered if he could see me truly, or was it just a sense through the Force? "You should have known better than that, old man. Now you're bound to watch my domination of the galaxy. You are powerless to interfere."

I wanted to answer him and I tried, but it was so difficult to penetrate between the realms. I was the ghost and he was not. "You should not have underestimated the power of the Dark Side," Vader said grimly. "If I had wanted to keep you here, I could have, but it seems that my son is even more powerful than me."

His son! How did he know?

"I shall thank the boy some day, when he joins me," breathed Vader. "Perhaps together we shall thank you for giving us an introduction to the ways of the Force and being living proof of why the Dark Side is so much better! Did you ever know that I hated you, my old master?" Vader paused, suddenly thrusting his hand into the space where I thought my body was. Hatred flowed through him, into me, and I shivered with intense loneliness.

"I was always second in your thoughts, second in your heart, to a man who was long dead." I was surprised Vader chose to elaborate, for years Anakin had kept his thoughts secret. "I was your padawan who was never good enough, the apprentice you took on only out of guilt. You hated me and now I return that hatred."

He had a valid point and as I realised the truth, a wave of remorse shot through me. Anakin, I'm sorry, I tried to say, but even had my words been audible, Vader would have ignored them.

"I finally have my revenge," Vader concluded, and that was when I knew the awful truth.

Despite being dead, I was still there. I am still here. Not in the Jedi afterlife, no, I am trapped as a ghost in this realm.

As far as I know, I am the only one who's been "fortunate" enough to die in front of Luke Skywalker. I do not know if I can stand to be the last. I will go insane shortly, I know I will. It's been two and a half years of this emptiness and despite the fact that Luke heard my words once, it is an act that has never been repeated. I've tried countless times to communicate with him, or with Yoda, but always, there is nothing.

I want to die but this is death. There is no escape, nothing I can do but cry at the injustice of it all.

I miss Qui-Gon more than ever. Wherever his spirit is, can he sense my pain? Does he know that we are now separated for eternity, even though he promised as he was dying that we would meet again someday? I love him still and it tears at my soul to know that it can never be.

Sometimes I walk the planets searching for someone who could be him. Every so often I catch sight of a tall, strong man with flowing hair and a beard and I pause, just for a moment, wondering if reincarnation is possible. But always, whomever he is turns and I see that the eyes are not Qui-Gon's. Not the brilliant blue I recall, the blue that could speak a thousand different emotions to me and me alone. Gentle humour or chastisement, serenity or passion. All these things I remember, all these things I can never have again.

There are times when I close my own eyes and can almost imagine him near me, perhaps watching from his own afterlife. I used to feel his comforting presence when I was first Knighted, even though I could never see him, never touch him. But to know that he still existed was enough. I wish I had such comfort now.

Do I still exist? It's something I argue with myself about. One can go quite mad having no one around to have conversations with. Of course, there's always Vader but I blame him for this. I am quite certain he *knew* what Luke would do. Anakin always had remarkable insight.

It's circular insanity sometimes. I go from raging grief to hatred to depression, or quiet loneliness. I drift. I do not exist. I am alone and nothing is ever going to change that fact. All I can do is watch the darkness continue to spiral through the universe, the darkness I created. This is hell. And I belong in it.

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End.

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