Disclaimer:  George Lucas created STAR WARS.  I live in constant awe.  No copyright infringement is intended.

Notes:  This arose from a discussion on a mailing list regarding Qui-Gon treating Obi-Wan like he wasn't there in several fanfics.
 
Many thanks to Layna, who made the hilarious comment about Remedial Mastering and "A Padawan you have, not a pet rock"; and also to alia, who then came up with the brilliant title of this piece.

I don't think it's quite what either of them had in mind...but it works for me.  And that "rock" line was *too* good to pass up.
 
 

"Read it, you will!" Yoda all but barked.  Heaving a huge sigh, to show how much he was suffering and perhaps elicit some sympathy from the other Jedi Masters who'd obviously also been conned into this, Qui-Gon again scanned the words.  He then looked up at the group.  He opened his mouth and began to speak.

"My name is Master Qui-Gon Jinn and I treat my Padawan like a rock."

There was a snort.  He was sure he heard a snort.  But every face was impassive, or perhaps there was a trace of a grin on Yoda's face, or maybe he was just yawning.  It was hard to tell.  And after that initial noise, there was nothing but a vast silence as everyone else just stared at him for a moment.  Maybe they hadn't heard him.  But there was no way he was going to utter that particular sentence again.

Qui-Gon glowered at Yoda, wondering just what he'd done to get himself dragged into a meeting of Masters Anonymous.  He hadn't even known such a group existed, supposedly, it was a group for Jedi who were having trouble with their apprentices.  Which definitely meant that Qui-Gon didn't belong there.  Obi-Wan was a fine boy who followed his every direction and rarely got in the way.  In his yearly report Qui-Gon had said almost exactly that, also commenting that Obi-Wan was progressing well in every field and would be a great Jedi Knight someday.

And for some reason, his report had caused Yoda to believe that it warranted his attendance at a meeting of Masters Anonymous.  Looking around the room, Qui-Gon knew more than ever that he didn't belong here.  There was Master Mani whose apprentice had Sithly tendencies, as evidenced by the recent penchant for red and black tattoos the padawan had garnered.  Not to mention the snarls she gave to everyone.  Yes, Qui-Gon decided, Master Mani had many troubles.

And Master Inka, a delicate, fairy-like being a mere ten inches tall, had an apprentice who was a three-hundred pound, hairy Swamprie with poor vision.  As a result, he kept sitting on poor Master Inka.

Qui-Gon didn't even want to think about Master Lasador's padawan, Misty, who followed Lasador around with moony puppy eyes and constant declarations of love, which Lasador did not return.

Glancing at the other Masters, Qui-Gon could tell at a glance that their padawans were trouble.  Whereas his padawan, his Obi-Wan, was the perfect apprentice.

So why was he here?  And why had Yoda made him introduce himself by saying he treated his padawan like a rock?  He didn't!  He had no reason too, either.

"Qui-Gon!  Your attention we require!" snapped Yoda, obviously enjoying his role as Master-counsellor.  "Master Anlashok was telling us how he accidentally left his padawan behind on Endor."

"You forgot your padawan?" Qui-Gon burst out incredulously.  "How could you do such an irresponsible-"  He was suddenly silenced by several angry glares from around the room.

"We are here to support each other, not judge," Master Inka said prissily.  She arrogantly tossed her hair behind her shoulder and said, "Anlashok, I understand.  I have been tempted to leave my own padawan behind upon occasion, or sneak away when he's not looking.  But we must remember that the Force has brought us together and so we are bound by its wishes."  She smiled warmly.  "I'm sure your padawan has forgiven you.  You are loved."

"You are right, my friend," Anlashok agreed, wiping a tear from his hairy face.  "Aw, you all mean so much to me!"

"Group hug!" suddenly burst out Yoda and he waddled forward, his arms extended.  Qui-Gon watched in near amazement as all of the revered masters bar himself conglomerated into a writhing mass of arms, legs and tails.  More tears were shed.  Qui-Gon knew he had to get out, and had to get out now.  He began surreptitiously backing away to the door when a stick hooked him around the foot and a mind-whammy pushed him off balance.

"Oh, Master Qui-Gon, did you fall over?" someone simpered and before he knew what was happening, he was being pulled into the group hug as well.  It was not pleasant.

A good ten minutes later, Anlashok finally found the strength to let everyone go and they returned to their seats.  Qui-Gon straightened his robes as best he could, trying to regain his dignity, but it was a little hard with a large wet patch on his shoulder caused by a blubbering Wookiee.  He had to get away from there.

"It is someone else's turn to share.  Qui-Gon!  Tell us about your apprentice!"

Qui-Gon was sure Yoda was giggling.  His former master still enjoyed humiliating his apprentice, mercilessly teasing him that he was too proper and staid.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi is a good student, very bright, very talented," Qui-Gon said.  "And I do not treat him like a rock."  He expected sympathetic nods but received none.

"Yoda sees into the heart," said Anlashok.  "The words he has given you must be true."

"My first words were true," chimed in Inka.  "I remember my first words to this very day."  She took a deep breath and thrust back her tiny shoulders.  "My name is Master Inka and I have a padawan who sits on me."

Qui-Gon just stared at her.  "Well, of course that's true!  That's why you're here, to learn to deal with your problems!"

"And you are here to deal with the fact that you ignore your padawan's abilities," Anlashok said slowly.

"I do not."

"Do too, you do."  That was Yoda, gleefully jumping into the conversation.

"I do not," Qui-Gon repeated, gritting his teeth and feeling as if he were in the school playground again.   He shot a longing glance at the exit.

"Enough of this," Yoda suddenly decided.  "Move on to the next part of our therapy session, we shall."

Qui-Gon suppressed a groan.  The next part?  They'd already been through introductions, and sharing, and the interminable group hug.  What possible other torture could Yoda have devised?

He suddenly noticed that papers and pencils were being Force-propelled to each person.  Paper?  It was rarely used, except for artwork.  Art.  Now that was something Qui-Gon was comfortable with.  Although he had little opportunity to practice, he knew he drew quite well.

"Draw a picture of your apprentices you each shall, to focus on your frustration with them."

A chorus of approving voices was heard.  Qui-Gon plucked a charcoal pencil from the air and spread the sheet of paper out in front of him on the floor.  He quickly knelt down next to it, noticing other masters were doing much the same thing.

A broad stroke here, a few lines there, and Qui-Gon found that he was quite enjoying himself.  He'd never had reason to draw Obi-Wan before and now appreciated how beautiful the boy was.  The laughing eyes, the irrepressible smile, right down to the cute little cleft in his chin.  Qui-Gon hummed idly as he drew, wanting to get his picture of Obi-Wan just right.  He chose a fairly typical pose, Obi-Wan standing meekly and awaiting his next instruction.  The picture would prove to Yoda and to everyone that he didn't have a problem with Obi-Wan, nor did Obi-Wan have a problem with him.  They were the perfect pair.  Another line here, colouring in the robe, and Qui-Gon was quite lost in his own world until he heard someone clearing their throat right in his ear.

"Ahem," Yoda coughed.

"Yes?" Qui-Gon replied, still distracted as he attempted to get Obi-Wan's cute spiky hair just right.

"Quite finished, are you?"

Now Qui-Gon looked up, and was surprised to see every other Jedi Master sitting primly in his or her chair, obviously having completed their drawings quite some time ago.  Master Mani even had the audacity to be drumming his fingers in a not-so-friendly manner.

"I am done," Qui-Gon granted, crawling off the floor and into his chair.

"Then share our pictures, we shall."

Firstly came Master Inka's, and instead of the hairy beast Qui-Gon expected to see, the picture depicted a lost-looking teddy-bear.

"Well done, Inka!" congratulated several Masters and she smiled demurely.

"This shows how much you have all helped me to realise that my padawan is a loving child at heart," she said.  She then shot a look, almost a challenge, at Qui-Gon which seemed to say, "Beat that!"  Qui-Gon returned the feral grin, knowing his own picture was far superior.  And at least he had a good-looking padawan with nice teeth.  Funny how Inka had left the ugly fangs out of her drawing.

"Master Mani?"

Now this was a picture to look at. A padawan standing proud and tall on the edge of a volcano, fire spewing into the sky.  Mani had used a wonderful combination of reds and yellows and oranges and the person was no more than a black and red silhouette.  Qui-Gon began to applaud just before he heard Yoda sigh and send a none-too-gentle poke into Qui-Gon's side.  He almost yelped in surprise.

"Much fear you have in you," Yoda counselled.

Qui-Gon decided to be quiet from now on, although he was severely tempted to laugh when Master Anlashok presented a blank piece of paper, claiming he'd forgotten what his padawan looked like.  Now there was a master with problems.

Managing to block out the now tedious and repetitive wishes of support, Qui-Gon checked over his own picture again.  Yes, it was perfect, the very image of Obi-Wan.

And it was his turn.  Like a proud father, Qui-Gon held up the picture and gestured grandly.  "This is my apprentice," he said, unnecessarily, positive that everyone had seen Obi-Wan sauntering around the temple and would immediately recognise the picture.

But blank looks met him.

"Who is that?"  Master Inka was the first to speak, and then she shot a worried look at Yoda.  "Master Yoda, I do not understand.  Why has Qui-Gon drawn a different person?  Does he wish for a new apprentice?"

"What?" Qui-Gon replied, trying not to be outraged (because that was the way to the dark side) but it was getting very hard to quash those tendencies given the present company.

Yoda sighed, a long weary sigh, which made Qui-Gon even more afraid.  "Qui-Gon, why drawn a boy have you?"

"I have drawn Obi-Wan as he is!" Qui-Gon protested, scanning the picture again.  He was sure it was right.

"No, you've drawn a fourteen year old boy."

"Qui-Gon, your padawan is twenty years old!" burst out Inka.

"Yes, I know that," Qui-Gon said wearily.  Why were these people telling him things he already knew?

Yoda was still shaking his head, and chuckling softly.  "Know what the problem is now, I do," he said.

"Oh, so I don't treat him like a rock after all?"  Mocking, his tone was definitely mocking, but at that time Qui-Gon didn't care.

"Yes, treat him like a rock you do.  So much so that you never look at him!"  Yoda seemed positively delighted at the revelation, perhaps he thought that by determining the problem it would be a simple matter to fix it after all.

"I look at Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon protested.

"Qui-Gon," and it was another of those long, suffering sighs.  "Given Obi-Wan the same yearly report for the last six years, you have!" Yoda exclaimed.

"He's consistent," Qui-Gon quickly countered.

"No, you think he's a rock," Inka said vindictively.  Nods of support greeted her statement.  "You must learn to open your eyes, Qui-Gon," she continued, a warm smile on her face.  It reminded Qui-Gon of a snake ready to strike.  "If you would just open your heart and mind, we can help you."

He did not want to be helped by these people.  The glower from his stormy eyes said as much.

"More than this, you need," Yoda finally relented.  "You may go, Qui-Gon."

At last.  He was free.  Qui-Gon quickly got to his feet and bowed low, not before securely tucking the picture into his robe.  He would compare it against Obi-Wan later and then they'd see who was right.

And just as Qui-Gon was walking out the door, Yoda threw one last comment at him.  "Expect you tomorrow, I shall.  You and your padawan."

"What?"

"My place.  After the noon meal."

One last smile crept across Yoda's face.  "Therapy session we shall have."

Qui-Gon could only throw his hands up in disgust as he left Masters Anonymous once and for all.
 

---
End.

Feedback most welcome to stardestiny@bigfoot.com !  I haven't attempted anything remotely funny in quite a while so I'd love to know if it worked.

And yes, a sequel is in the works...
 

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