Scribble Page

August 12, 1999

Studies. Social activities. Recreation.Relaxation.Concentration.Friends. RevisionPersonalattentionFamilySleepEatThinkWorkStudyActivities- ObligationsBreathe...Breathe? Prioritize, prioritize!

ARGH!

A friend told me this was actually "living it out". I'm supposedly at the age where I'm actually taking Life by both hands and living it. It seems to me both my sleeves are caught on a hook somewhere on Life (rip, dammit, rip!) and I'm being dragged at 200mph. Road kill! Ew.

Oddly enough, as I watch my life sort of fall apart and glue itself back together again, I'm doing pretty well. All things considering, of course. I envy those seemingly perfect people who juggle their social lives, "work" lives and personal lives almost effortlessly. So, who cares if they're falling apart inside--they're getting it done it! I'm falling apart inside, and I'm not getting anything done. (gripe, gripe, gripe)

There are so many things I want to do in life... and if in my youth, I can't seem to get enough energy to do it all, I shudder to think what'll happen in 25 years. Prioritize. So, what's really important? My brain seems to think it knows, but then, so does my heart... Of course, they're both leaving me out in the dark. Whooo, road kill!

What's funny, however, is that things don't seem so bad. Stressed? Oh, definitely. Nervous breakdown? Getting there. Health deteriorating? The best diet there is. But I feel okay. (pinch) Ow. No, I'm not completely numb. Maybe this is living it, after all. Hanging on to the tendrils of some wild, uncontrollable force; getting beaten up in the process; and thinking, "Whoa, what a rush." Youth is such a wonderful thing. Of course, you only realize that.. fully, that is, when it's gone.

I'm glad I'm alive. Despite all the bruises, the cuts, the bumps on the head.. I'm truly glad to be alive. "Living it out" does something to me, I think. It cultivates a maniac deep down inside me who's laughing for no good reason as she gets dragged along; good thing there aren't any bugs around. And in the blur of Life, I think I can see her shaking her fist at everything that's bad or hurtful, saying, "Oh, go suck a sock."

I don't get it, either.

Previous Scribblings: July 6, 1999 - Blaugh
More Previous Scribblings

[ Main Room ] [ Friends ] [ Realityville ] [ Scribble Page ]