Irish Jokes

An Irishman is a man who?

May not believe there is a God,
but darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope...
Won't eat meat on Friday,
but will drink Jameson for breakfast.....
Is against abortion,
but in favor of hangings.....
Has great respect for the truth,
he uses in emergencies...
Sees things not as they are
but the way they never will be.....
Cries at sad movies,
but cheers in battle....
Hates the English,
but reserves his cruelty for countryman....
Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.....
Believes in civil rights,
but not in his neighborhood...
Believes to forgive is divine,
therefore doesn't exercise it himself....
Loves religion for its own sake,
but also because it makes it so
damnably inconvenient for his neighbors....
Scorns money,
but worships those who have it...
Considers any Irishman who
achieves success to be a traitor...

A drunken Irishman staggers in to a Catholic church
and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention,
but still the Irishman says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times
in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' me boy,
there's no paper in this one either."

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.
"What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of