Irish Jokes


Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys."
Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not
the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are.
"Ahh, ye know me too well, Michael, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me
first blow job."
Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. "Now,
that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on
the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you."
Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Michael, but
I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."

You can tell an Irishman
But you can’t tell him much

THE TOP TEN KEEBLER ELF EUPHEMISMS FOR DEATH

10. Bit the big morsel
9. Failed his freshness test
8. On the cooling rack
7. Bought the Pepperidge Farm
6. Gone to aisle three
5. Creamy casket filling
4. Owl bait
3. Super-fudge-a-riffically-dead
2. Overbaked
1. Somebody get the Mini-Vac!

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines

10. "I'm down here"
9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler"
3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
¨ Late Night with David Letterman

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on:

1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn
day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike
began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest
out!"
"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off
and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."
So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back
and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road
again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to
see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around
and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and
saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the
ground.
"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here
.. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word
since!"

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day
when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Paddy,
that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"



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