Irish Jokes

Sixteen year old boy from a tiny little village
in Ireland is the local football hero. Scores an
average of six goals every game himself.
Not too long before big English clubs are
making their way to his house to sign him.
Signs huge contract with London club,
guaranteeing him ten million pounds a year for five
years. When leaving home to go to Big City,
mother cautions him about evils of smoking,
drinking, loose women, and lectures him on
going to mass every Sunday.
Few months later, big limousine pulls up outside
her door. Surprise! Chaffeur has airline
tickets for her to go to London to visit son.
Drives her to airport. First class tickets. Big
limo waiting at other end to take her to son's house.
Arrives at son's house. MANSION!
Indoor swimming pool, sauna, hot-tub,
full-size gym, HUGE TV's etc. Also very well-built
young maid named Fifi. Son takes mom on tour
of house, and makes point of showing
her Fifi's bedroom, which is away at other
end of house from his bedroom.
Explains to mom that football club gave him
all of this for scoring four goals in European
Cup Final couple of weeks ago. Fifi just the
housekeeper assigned to him. Sleeps in her
own bedroom etc. No romantic involvement whatsoever.
Mom has dinner with son, served by butler in
big fancy dining room. Mom admires silver
soup tureen on large silver tray, and highly
decorated silver ladle. Son explains that set
belonged to Napolean. Given to son by club
for scoring three goals in English FA Cup
final, few months ago. Mom very impressed.
Mom leaves. Next day Fifi reports that silver
ladle mom was admiring has disappeared.
Son wonders if mom is guilty. After a week,
plucks up courage and phones mom.
Discusses weather. Aunt Maureen's chilblains etc.
Finally gets around to explaining that
silver ladle mom was admiring has disappeared.
Maybe mom borrowed it to show
neighbours and forgot to mention it?
Mom replies, "If dat whore of a housekeeper was
slaypin' in her own bed like ye said --
she'd have found the bloody ladle by now!"

sean and michael were tipping in the pub one night,
vowing their lasting friendship they made a pact.
whichever one passed on first, the other would pour a
bottle of the finest irish whiskey over the grave of
the departed. sean replied "aye tis sure i will,
michael but do ye mind if it passes trew me kidneys
first?"

Irishman went to a pet shop and
asked how many budgies were in
stock. "We have 99" replied the
shop owner "Give us the lot" said
the Irish man, paid for them and
left. He went to a tailors shop
and had 99 pockets sewn into a
jacket, put a budgie in each
pocket, went up to the Post
Office Tower and jumped off.
He hit the ground with an
almighty smack and lay there
groaning until a passer-by came
and asked him what had
happened. "I don't know sur" he
replied "but that's the last time I
try that budgie jumping"

Walking into the pub, Patick said to the bartender,
"Pour me astiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with
the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Sean. "And how did this one end?"
"Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Patick replied, "herself came to me on her hands and knees, she did."
"You don't say? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under that bed, you
gutless weasel!

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
To a diffrent pub

When Clinton visited the Pope, he noticed a red
phone on a small table in the corner of the office.

After several minutes of conversation, Clinton asked
the Pope what the red phone was.

The Holy Father told him that it was a very special
phone with a direct line to God. However, the Pope
told Clinton he rarely used it because it cost
$20,000 a minute from the Vatican.

Clinton accepted this explanation without another thought.

Later, when Clinton visited Ireland, he saw another
red phone in the Archbishop’s office. Being curious,
Clinton asked the Archbishop what it was used for.

The Archbishop told Clinton it was a direct line to God,
and he used it whenever he had a puzzling question or concern.

Clinton asked if the calls were quite expensive since
the Pope had to pay $20,000 a minute when he used
his red phone in the Vatican.

"Oh no," replied the Archbishop, "In Ireland it’s a local call."

A farmer named McBride lived along in the Irish
countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog
finally died and McBride went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead.
Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Michael replied, "No, we cannot have
service for an animal in the church, but there's
a new denomination down the road. No telling
what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the animal."
McBride said "I'll go right now. Do you think
$50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Michael asked, "Why didn't you tell
me the dog was Catholic?"

~~~ Gardening made easy! ~~~
An old man living alone in South Armagh,
whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE,
don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried
the guns!!!!!"
At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers
turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours,
but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him
what had happened, asking him what he should do now?
The son sent the reply: "NOW plant the potatoes!"

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh
air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his
face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and
falls
flat on his face. He crawls through the door and
up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time
to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound
asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing
over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your damn wheelchair there again."

A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.
It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days
if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today
and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."