a cynic's guide to modern life
Commentary #8 6.18.03
Why Everybody is a Short-Sighted Dumbass
About a month ago was Victoria Day. I’m
sure you all had fun, doing whatever it is people do on Victoria Day,
which from my observations pretty much involved fuelling up your vehicles
and heading to the mall.
I worked on Victoria Day, and before you go
on about retail jobs are the bottom of the employment food chain, I’m
willing to accept my part of the blame.
But all in all, I was there because my schedule said I was there,
and not showing up means not paying the rent.
But what’s the excuse of the 2,000 or so
people who did show up? What
kind of empty people are we dealing with here?
Who knows, except that people apparently either don’t understand
that the idea of a holiday is to relax and take a break from the usual
grind, or they see that taking out their wallets and yelling incoherently
at uninterested sales clerks as fun.
Which is fine – whatever fries your bacon, go for it.
But because a city full of people is so bored and/or completely
inept at life, I get fucked out of a holiday.
I justify my job, because it’s more field
research than it is actually labour.
Whether it’s the yuppie couple who are chatting to each other in
different parts of the store on their cell phones to “maximize their
shopping efficiency”, or the woman dragging around 90 screaming brats
because state-sponsored eugenics is for some asinine reason
unconstitutional, I am constantly reassured that North American culture
doesn’t have far to go before it implodes and millions of disaffected
people stagger aimlessly around in circles, making swiping motions in the
air with their credit cards.
But I’m getting ahead of myself, and the
intended purpose of this little rant, which I’ve tactfully entitled
“Why Everybody is a Fucking Short-Sighted Dumbass.”
Basic economic theory works on the principle
of supply and demand. We want
something. People make money producing it and selling it to us.
Simple enough to understand. I
also know that people love their holidays.
Most people (myself included) work shitty, mind-numbingly dull and
frustrating jobs, and we appreciate a paid break from them a few times a
year. And I also further
understand that industries are not stand- alone entities.
They are all interwoven and entwined with each other, which is why
when one company takes a beating on the stock market, a lot of other
businesses do as well.
I wonder why then, knowing these obviously
rudimentary facts, that people shop on statutory holidays?
Because they’re open? What
the fuck is that? If people
need an incentive not to shop on holidays, I’ll spell out carefully the
reasons why. So if you’re ready, Mr. And Mrs. Sports Utility Vehicle,
let me show you the chain of industry:
1) Retail/Wholesale
2) Secondary Industry (warehouses/shipping outfits/factories etc.)
3) Primary Industry (forestry/mining/oil and gas etc.)
If
you patronize retail businesses on holidays, you thereby increase the
demand. If the demand is
increased, the supply will also be increased.
Many of our vendors who supply us with product are now keeping
weekend hours simply to service us. And
if they’re open? Well, that
means a host of businesses will have to be open to support them, right?
And sooner or later, that means you Mr. Tommy Jeans and Ms. Oil of
Olay. Your precious weekends
that you pissed away at the mall will be taken away from you. And if your weekends are gone, well, why not the holidays
too? After all, the stores
are open, and if the stores are open, the warehouses have to be open, and
if the warehouses are open, the shipping companies have to be open, and if
they’re open, the factories are open and if they’re open etc. etc.
You get the point now. Way
to spend your holidays, dipshits. Don’t
worry; I’ll be laughing my balls off at you.
But alas, it’s fairly typical of our race. Shortsighted to the very end, until one day Mr. Dockers Fat-Ass Pants wakes up and realizes he’s working 365 days a year. “How the fuck did that happen? Fucking government!” he’ll lament, because our culture finds it utterly blasphemous to actually accept any responsibility for anything we do.
So next time you’re at the mall on the next holiday, having this conversation with your wife:
YOU: “Let’s buy these
Tommy Jeans and an X-Box for Todd. Maybe
now he’ll stop sniffing glue and downloading child porn.”
HER: “Is that such a good idea?
I mean, we’re already $80,000 in debt as it is.”
YOU: “The TV people said
so! Besides, at least
that’ll shut the little imbecile up for a few days.
And we’re helping the War on Terrorism™ by spending money like
complete idiots!”
HER: “Okay honey!
Buy me a ring and a new Escalade while we’re at it.
Bill bought Sally a hot tub and a new pair of tits the other day,
which makes me think that Bill has a bigger dick than you.
Oh, and I have to go to the salon.
Jennifer Aniston has a new hairstyle.”
YOU: “Okay sweetie.
(to clerk) I want a black Escalade!”
CLERK: “Sir, this is a
picture framing store.”
YOU: “Is this what you call
customer service? This is bullshit! I
want to see the manager!”
Say something like:
YOU: “Fuck all this
sweetheart. Let’s lie in
the park this afternoon and watch the clouds. Or maybe we can do something with Todd. I think the boy’s starved for some attention.”
HER:
“Are you on crack? I’m
going over to suck Bill’s dick right now!!
And who the hell is Todd?”
Well, any real change might take a little time.
Copyright © 2003 Don Porter. All rights reserved.