BARKING MAD

 

Yet another Sassy Gate Production, our first for 2005!

 

But it’s SOOO Not Sassy who’s barking mad this time!

 

This story is dedicated to whoever had the “bright” idea of a baby-naming contest, whether it was an actual MGM executive or some fan doing a dumb joke.

Thank you for giving me another reason for satire!

 

It is also dedicated to AT and to young Patrick for his excellent performance as Fifth.

 

Adult readers be prepared! There are some appalling or hopefully appealingly silly puns involving fire hoses, and hunky men using them, at the end of this story, which you might want to keep children away from so they will not embarrass or annoy you asking for explanations.

 

 

If this is your first visit to Sassy Gate you might want to go back to the top page for this section and check out the other stories first especially the two latest “set reports” Gone to the Dogs and Repotoys.

 

 

The Setting – A Dark and Stormy Northern Hemisphere January Night.

The car park of a certain Studio in a certain city.

 

(Scribal Disclaimer – I strongly suspect the “studio” Sassy and Goldie visit is in an alternate universe since with the antics they get up to if it was in our timeline by now I should have the entire set of Pros screaming and pounding on my door begging me to call them off. Sassy and Goldie visit so many universes that sometimes they get mixed up as to exactly which reality they are transiting or infesting?)

 

We see a single figure with blonde hair wearing black leather (No not the Cylon from Battlestar Galactica) lurking in the shadows looking up at one lighted office window. Within the Junior Pros are having an all night season nine snafu planning session. Er story plotting session. The solitary figure is revealed by a flash of lightning. It’s Repotoy Reactor! And she’s clearly not happy. Still!

 

Repotoy is muttering to herself.

 

“Make fun of my Prime’s pregnancy will they? Do jokes about diaper changing as a challenge on a web site visited by thousands of people? No way are they getting with that! I’m barking mad and I’m going to do something about that!”

 

Some mysterious source starts issuing forth the music of the Sorcerer’s Apprentice as the new Queen of the Repotoys stealthily approaches the building.

 

Yes the background music for a certain Fantasia animation sequence.

You have not yet seen this classic in the original film format or the remastered digital version? Shame on you! Go straight off to the video store! NOW! It’s a classic!

 

A moment later screams can be heard. You can safely presume RepoReactor is doing a hands on digital recording of the Junior Pros. Sadly one voice can be heard yelling excitedly. “Cool awesome SFX! Dudette Do me next!”

 

Some time later screams of triumph can be heard using the words, “It’s alive!” Several times over and over … and yet again?

 

Security ignores all this as they just assume the noise is simply from the Junior Pros acting out one of their snafus er story scenarios.

 

The next morning.

 

A happy shiny day with a studio full of happy shiny people. A lot of happy brunette people. Male people. Oddly clone like people.

 

The senior pros are upstairs reading plot outlines for Season Nine.

 

Let’s see Episode One: Cathouse. Spam is kidnapped by Loki to be impregnated by his alien love child. Tallawk, Spaniel, and OsNarl are kidnapped by the Repotoys, then sold into slavery after an auction, during which they pose naked for System Ladies. They are forced to endlessly parade up and down a catwalk as male models for an alien fashion house wearing nothing but sleeveless black silk tops or leather vests and pants or metallic cloth kilts.

 

Well that could be very enjoyable but where’s the dramatic tension and about this scene where Spaniel states that yes he’s bi and tells Jack he loves him and Tallawk starts uncontrollably giggling …could we rework that?

 

Episode Two: Queer as Fashionable. A Probable infestation of Queens is reported from Pittsburgh. Tallawk who alone has escaped from slavery, curiously leaving Spaniel and OsNarl behind, finally has an excuse to wear Armani clothing all day long, as he goes undercover in a certain design firm. In a subplot Ted and Em become Buddhists. Unfortunately, this does not mend their relationship since Ted becomes a Zen Buddhist and Em opts for Tantric Buddhism. Apparently, everyone has been presuming the bratty arrogant behavior of a certain character was due to his traumatic childhood with the ultra neocon mother from purgatory, … no … it’s genetic. He’d be just as arrogant if he was straight. There is a climactic fight between Tallow and … it turns out the real Queen is …, who …, and in a happy ending Em and Ted are recruited to do a Queer Eye makeover for SGC. MMM boys we could have legal problems with a Queer as Folk crossover to say nothing of the reaction from Crysafur’s girlfriend?

 

Episode Three: Little Lost Survivor. Spam is stranded by Loki along with 50 other people on an isolated tropical hellhole planet outside of the gate network and there’s a big invisible monster stomping around. OsNarl falls through a quantum wormhole and joins them. Both are voted out by the tribe for not being bitchy enough. Meanwhile back at Star Grope Command the new replacement, Genial has banned all mention of scuba gear and the new Colonel and the new token sexy alien femme are busily bonding over coffee in weird Aussie accents …

 

AAARGH which one of you were responsible for this @@#%#%#@^%#!!!

 

Where’s the dramatic tension! Where’s the Conflict! Where’s the Story? The Science?

The Mythology? We want to see the real storylines now! Get rid of this gag stuff!

 

Another huge pile of paper is dropped onto the table by shiny happy eager male persons who just wont stop smiling.

 

Episode One: Spaniel discovers he is the long lost heir to a Galactic empire and his real surname is Palpating, Spanner Palpating Skyworker, and he runs off to a Galaxy far way and …

 

Episode Two: Genial Snarl mutates into a strange caned being and escapes to haunt the hills of Hollywood howling for ….Yes we know we have to write Snarl out of the show but not like that!

 

Episode Three: With Spanner and Snarl gone the new Colonel and Tallow go house hunting together and Tallow lovingly and tenderly teaches him to wear Armani jackets. Meanwhile two semi-regular new characters have joined the cast. The new Genial has a glorious pet dachshund who he brings to work and one of the teams returns with a strange lil’ dragon queen, who along with the dachshund, are adopted as the new team mascots.

 

“What is wrong with you people? Has your consumption of Crispy Kermes finally reached toxic levels? More is less! Keep it simple! Get back to your offices and return with freshly written intelligent scripts!” Thus screamed the Senior Pros in unison!

 

Thirty seconds later the happy shiny Junior Pros are back piling more scripts on the desk.

The Senior Pros glare despondently at them. Despondently they  walk over to the windows. Glance down at their domain they behold a strange and terrible sight.

 

Junior Pros here! Junior Pros there! Junior Pros everywhere! Junior Pros wandering around the car park wearing costumes, Jaffa costumes, shudder topless Jaffa uniforms, … ugh not a pretty sight! Junior Pros wandering around carrying plates of Krispy Kreme donuts stuffing their happy shiny faces. Junior Pros singing and dancing in conga lines.

Junior Pros wandering around with laptops in one hand lurking in fan forums when they should be working! And behind them rose a strange and eery shuffling sound.

 

(Gentle Reader feel free here to recall the opening theme and lyrics of the Addams Family – the TV show not the movie!)

 

The Senior Pros turned around and discovered their office was slowly disappearing under a continual influx of scripts flowing through the doorway. They were trapped with no way out! The pile had already blocked the fire exit of the conference room!

 

One of them pried a window open and sensibly screamed those magic words

“Sassy! Sassy! Sassy! Help!”

 

No one came. At least no one who was a sentient dachshund. Other beings continued to pile scripts through the doorway.

 

Some time later the producers, who were standing by the window franticly shoveling out scripts, hoping to make a pile big enuff to safely jump onto and plus escape, heard an evil hissing noise, and an merely naughty and mocking hargling noise behind them.

 

Goldie, a large platter of sashimi, and a fiend er friend who appeared to be a Goual’d Queen, were perched on top of the pile of scripts chortling at them. If JonaHeXed had been there he could told them that Goldie was telling our guest star Sen’il from Gateworld, (All Hail the mighty Sen’il!) “See watching the humans be silly is much more fun than fighting! Wanna another sashimi dear?”

 

“Where’s Sassy?” cried one Pro piteously.

 

Repotoy suddenly appeared lying on top of the pile of scripts in a seductive sensuous pose that would have melted the brains of most fan boys. Yes she was wearing black leather. She smirked evilly at them.

 

“Sorry guys but Sassy went shopping in Tokyo! She saw a story on TV about a store that makes kimono for dachshunds and is currently being measured for a red brocade one with matching obi and JonaHeXed is with her. Oh dear looks like my RepoClowns have overrun the studio. That should make Season Nine interesting or possibly just the same as usual!

 

By the way I have a list of demands – first get MGM to change that stupid baby contest so it’s a charity fund raiser then next edit out that stupid diaper changing gag off the site. Thirdly I want to see an announcement that there will be a female writer for season nine.

Numero Four a guest appearance for Goldie and Sassy in the show or Atlantis scripted by Neith who is willing to donate her payment to a tsunami relief charity. Quintus give me a better motive for being evil! – I do not want to look like a cheap ripoff of the Cylon from BattleStar Galactica!”

 

She smirked and faded out until nothing was left but a smile similar to that of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. The last thing to be seen were her lips uttering these words

 

“Boys I made sure all the water guns are locked up and inaccessible so there’s no way you can remove my RepoClowns!” There was one last burst of sarcasm … “make me all girly in the worst way will you!”

 

The Senior Pros continued to throw scripts out of the window though one of them stopped and attempted to smother himself by diving into the pile and had to be pulled out and slapped manfully.

 

Finally the pile outside and below the window was high enuff and the producers leapt out and slide down it to the ground. RepoClowns were fighting over the last of the Krispy Kremes and strutting around the car park half naked in black leather pants. Some of the m spotted the Senior Pros and begun advancing towards them, stopping only to pick up an armful of scripts.

 

“Oh no we’re cornered!” whimpered a Senior Pro, “who will save us!”

 

A familiar figure beamed in – “Fifth Repotoy! You’re alive!”

 

“Yes well fortunately you didn’t show any body and there’s been a renewal of fannish interest after that interview on Gateworld with my Prime and the Scribal One thinks I’m an interesting character who deserves revival! So nudge wink I probably transmitted my memories to a backup copy of myself? Right guys? If I arrange for someone to get a message that you need help?”

 

The RepoClowns were inches away from them advancing with piles of scripts and muttering inane plot ideas. “Let’s make Valala pregnant!” “Let’s make Spaniel pregnant!” “Can we have Baal marry Anubis?” One of them clearly malfunctioning, muttered “Let’s show OsNarl consistently displaying an IQ appropriate for an officer with his piloting and technical experience!” The others turned around and performed a brief slapstick routine on him.

 

The Senior Pros screamed in unison as RepoClowns  shoved scripts at them!

“Yes Yes YES anything ! We’ll write you back in and fix the RepoQueen!”

 Fifth Repotoy disappeared and thanks to the narrative powers of the Scribe a minute or two later a fire engine could be heard racing up the road to the studio.

 

Soon a strangely familiar Fire Chief could be seen directing his strangely familiar crew to connect powerful hoses to hydrants. The RepoClowns ignored all this as their minds had been stunted by over exposure to Krispy Kremes and other junk foods!

 

The Fire Chief howled manfully, “Full blast boys!” and his cheeky crew who strangely resembled Being Broader, the Young Prince, and Crysafur, blasted away, powerful hoses thrusting and thrusting, and pumping and spraying, and more thrusting, of water at the Repoclowns.

 

The RepoClowns began to dissolve under the onslaught.

Several lurking shippers and slashers swooned at the imagery of big hunky men in fireman uniforms playing with big powerful thrusting hoses spraying powerful jets of water. And yes some of they did get wet in the splashback and had to remove their jackets to reveal shirts clinging to powerful wet shoulders and and and

AAARGH I Need Chocolate!!! Darn the inspiration just run out!!!

 

We interrupt this story for a chocolate break … a sensible healthy MILO drink … must not think about dark chocolate or trilayered cakes … bad for waist line and blood sugar levels …B A A A D Chocolate. Good chocolate.

 

Okay the Fire Chief was the Silver Canid who roundly scolded everyone involved for disturbing him while he was still on vacation! In the background people swooned as he exerted his masculine authority while wearing those braces and the fire chief outfit.

Little bits and pieces of melted RepoClown bubbled and dissolved on the ground like marshmallows melting into a hot chocolate drink. Ooops there’s chocolate again.

 

The setting sun radiantly framed our heroes as everyone happily swooned melted or oozed away. The local Krispy Kreme franchise folks were happy too though the accounting department will be screaming when they get the bill for all those doughnuts. The morale of this tale is … do we need one?

 

The actual Junior Pros were found sometime later locked in the screening room getting a style makeover from Ted, and Em, a pair of tourists from Pittsburgh!