Sassy and Goldie Interview the Not So Secret Six!
The scene.
The TV room and lounge of an American Gothic mansion. A motley crew of anti heroic irony heavy off duty mercenaries are watching Television. Well most of them are. A tall dark haired guy with a serious mo is sitting in one corner sniffling over what seems to be a gun catalouge. A tall blonde beardless male is speaking to him.
“Gee Lowton are you allergic to the ink on the catalouge pages AGAIN? Why don't you try shopping on line... and stop hiding those photos of your kid between the pages?”
“WHAAAT! ... er photos? what photos? ... mmm photos of gun parts ...yes I'm just sooo disappointed these new parts can't be ordered online until next month. They are sooo cool!”
A strange androgynously slender mannikin who really needs a hair cut despite having very few hairs asks,
“Would anyone like to see the latest photos of my children?”
“NO one wants to see your monkeys all dressed up! “ retorts Lowton!
“Would you boys be quiet? We're just getting to the good bit of the movie!” demanded a Petite Brazilian called Scandalous who is snuggling up next to an extremely tall redhead feeding her crisps!
“Can we watch too?” asks a voice from somewhere behind the sofa. Everyone jumps up as an unfamiliar figure (yet very familiar to our irregular readers) trots out into the middle of the room followed by a Goullawk on a skateboard.
“Who are you!” “OH Unhallowed Darkside!” “It's a talking dog!” “Urk!”
“Hello I'm Sassy and my friend here is Goldie and we're roaming inter-dimensional reporters here to interview the Not So Secret Six minus One for Sassygate! Sassygate the site where you can find out what happens to certain fictional characters between the frames! Dada!”
“Whattaya mean Fictional!” “Frictional?” “Factional?”
“Look can we interview you or not? The interview will not appear on this Earth!”
“Mmm er mmm mumble ... er”
“I've got photos of TomCat Junior I'll pay you with!”
Tomcat Senior lunges for the photos. Lowton grumbles something inaudible and rolls his eyes!
“Raggedydoll while Lowton's busy thinking up one of his trademark ironic or sarcastic remarks would you like to answer some questions?”
“Well little dog why should I? Talking dogs ... soo freakish and I'm the official fancy freak around here. There can only be one ....”
“Raggedydoll I know the Madder than your average Hatter person is looking for you. Shall I say why?”
Raggedydoll screaming ,“Impudent bitch!” lunges to grab our canine reporter only to be grabbed by Knockers the extremely tall redhead.
Meanwhile Goldie has climbed upon the sofa and is holding a microphone out to Scandalous.
“Darling where do you get your knives? Are they German Chinese or Kyoto steel?”
“Well there's this little workshop just outside Kyoto and one of my teachers who was a Japanese migrant to Brazil wrote me a letter of introduction ... and they do simply wonderful work though I do have to worry about Daddy finding out I shop there!”
“Knockers any truth to the rumor you might be related to Gracey?”
“Gracey who?”
Gracey of the Offsiders to the Acrobat has red hair. You have red hair. You have a daughter!”
“Who told you about my child! Lowton!”
Lowton backs off towards the door, “It wasn't me! Honest! Tomcat Help!”
“Tomcat would you like to answer some questions?”
“Do you like brunettes? Did you know Catwoman is a natural brunette. And she's single!”
“Really? Catwoman is single? MMM. Er any history of mental instability or serious sociopathy or mad psychotic megalomaniac senators in her family?”
“TomCat Knockers gasp is trying to choke strangle me ... ack”
“Knockers please put Lowton down!”
Knockers does though not very gently. Lowton quietly crawls away, picking up his photos of his daughter and leaving the room on hands and knees. Knockers glares at Sassy and Goldie.
“How did you find out about my daughter?”
“We're from a different dimension and our scribe BOPs? Ever heard of the Birds of Prey or Oracle?”
“Oracle knows about us?”
“Well not that we know of but Gail Simone does. Also has it occurred to you that an allegedly invisible house would actually show up as an anomaly or blank spot in satellite photos so maybe she does? And Raggedydoll trying to sneak up a dachshund is not a good idea. I can smell you no matter how quietly you walk or caper!”
Raggedydoll attempts to make a flying leap but is bitten by Goldie who grabs him by the ankle and twirls him across the room, shrieking,
“Attack my friend will you! Wanna a fight do you!”
A pair of nunchakus appear from thin air along with a headband with the characters Shaolin Graduate around Goldie's head. She grabs the nunchakus and starts swirling them as Raggedydoll rushes at her wielding large filleting knives.
Suddenly that old 80's song “Kung Fu fighting” is being playing in the background.
“While they're playing should we get on with the interview?” asks Sassy.
“Scandalous dear Tea Coffee or Chocolate?”
“All three though my favorite sweetie is right here!”
She and Knockers hug. Right wing neocon readers may now choke though I doubt we have any? Hormonally challenged jealous fans of any ages are asked to go take a cold shower.
Meanwhile in the background Raggedydoll and Goldie are doing back flips and rolls while whirling sharp metallic objects.
Scandalous calls out to them,
“Try not to lose any body parts. We're still paying off Raggedydoll's last microsurgery bill!”
Sassy continues the interview.
“TomCat any plans to travel to Moscow?”
“How did you know about that?!”
We have a broadband net connection. And several pet hackers!”
And unfortunately at that point Raggedydoll and Goldie landed on the microphone and crushed it while screaming still abuse at each other, abuse such as, “How dare you be wierder than me!” “Body fetishist!” “Who's your stylist Edna Everage!”, all the time rolling across the floor brawling and thats all we have of the interview.
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And if Gail Simone reads this and wants a couple of more sidekicks I have this small dragonoid and dachshund who are definitely annoying characters you can borrow anytime!
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