Gentle Readers you probably should imagine some one like Tom Baker doing a one of his instant classic Little Britain voiceovers while reading this?
Yet another fine misadventure brought to you by Sassy and Goldie! Fandom's Most Impudent Critic's !
A Goullawk and a Sentient Dachshund! The Team Supreme or Extreme AKA the Temporal Pe(s)ts!
The Scene : A Gothamic Alley! A certain chaotic clown fond of a color between blue and purple has just probably fatally shot young "Alex"! Henceforth he'll be referred to as Xander Luthier. Gotta protect him from irate copyright lawyers, evil editors, and oh yes the fans! As the Chaotic Clown and his new special friend the really evil Luthier take souvenir photos and DNA another flash appears behind them. A circle of light opens and two figures appear. A strange lil' creature best described for the moment as a small dragonoid and her companion a elegant canid of the short legged saluki variety, also known as dackels, teckels, residents of Gergweis and other places , etc,.
Sassy and Goldie are here! A taller humanoid follows them, their faithful assistant and sidekick, JonaHeXed, and activates a "futuristic device". It's a p****r "borrowed" from the S*T*verse. When you have access to quantum tunneling techniology you sure can ra ... er borrow stuff from a lot of military surplus depots. The Chaotic Clown and his special friend collapse.
Our three visitors from beyond converse. "Oh dear they really made a mess of him didnt they!" "He still barely has a pulse Sassy we can save him! But should we?" "JonaHexed I know you used to be a ethics advisor but this isnt the time or moment for a dilemna! We saved you! Time to pass on the karma!"
Sometime later in a pocket dimension in a castle ... a really cool NeoGothic Castle, with turrets and towers and moats and a Grail Chapel and a superb Sushi Chef, lights are in the medical center.
"Pass the scalpel!" "No that's the sonic screwdriver! Pass the laser scalpel and then the tube of medical nanites!"
"Pass the B**g spare parts and the dermal regenthingy!" "Okay Goldie you can turn on the special effects now"
A traditional display of lightning dances around the room and strikes the comatose figure on the operating table. His eyes slowly open.
(Gentle readers you may now scream He's alive!) Xander's eyes close again. They slowly open.
You'ld close them too if the first thing you saw was coming out of a com was a dachshund and a Goullawk in surgical greens sitting on your legs and chest!
"Good Morning Xander! How does it feel to be alive!? "
"I ... I was dead .. I had half my chest and face shot and seared off by but I'm alive! Thank you! er who are you?"
"You Remember Us! Sassy and Goldie? We interviewed you at the Megaphallic Plot Device!"
"It must be post-traumatic brain damage! All I remember is trying to change the Multiverse and create a perfect world."
"Yes well the word perfect should probably only be applied to verb forms in grammar texts.
But we'll deal with that when you start therapy.
... but first let's see how you feel about our surgery!"
But first gentle readers a brief flashback ... to the Demented about Continuity's Infinitely Profitable Crisis!
Ever wonder why we only saw one side of the Megaphallic Plot Device? Screams can be heard!
"The net! Psychopest ! Get the Net! Then slot them in next to the Gallifreyan, the Coyote, and that Abodean super elf!"
"Gee Alex just cos we asked questions about your crush on Power Boobs!?" protests a canid voice ! A dragonoid voice can be heard chanting, "Alex loves Kayrara! We've got photos! Nyahnyahnyak! "
And now back to our main feature!
The girls hold up a large mirror. Xander screams. He is now covered with spare parts, B**g, Grigori, Cybermen, Dalek, Anime, Manga, Shirow, and much more. His face and head where not covered with spare parts and medical appliances is covered with purple stuff.
"So how do you feel about no longer being pretty studly?" Xander whimpers one word - "kayrara"
"Dear boy dont worry about your dating prospects - most of it comes off after regen is finished! " nargles Goldie cheerfully. Goullawk sounds like this ..." nargh!#$%%!!!hkkk''''gelrlrlelrl nargel hik high pitched whistle ... " Fortunately for your sanity gentle readers Goldie uses a vocoder most of the time !
"More good news Xander! Ever heard of the secret laws of fictionality? Young Xander you were written off but your dead body was never shown ! So we could recycle you! All the readers saw was a clone so there was a continuity lapse! We saved you! Sassy has a thing for red hair and cosmic orphans! And you can still date Kayrara provided you do it between the frames of fictionality! If she'll have you?" "So Xander Luthier welcome to copyright 2006 the author Teckelstein ! Home of sentient dachshunds and even stranger creatures. OOOH there is one little thing ... paying off the medical bills. You start occupational therapy on Monday. IN the puppy kennels. Cleaning up after them. But you also get to play with them! Xander? Oh dear he's passed out! "
So what do you think gentle readers - is servititude to some very special sentient dachshunds more or less than young Xander deserves?
And so we leave you with an invitation to visit other parts of our site and enjoy other Between the Frames "reports". If you found these at all amusing please consider making a donation to Red Cross or some other Diaster relief organisation? Thank You Neith lowly scribe on behalf of and for Sassy an impudent dachshund and Goldie an even stranger little creature.