Dear Prabhus, Hare Krsna! Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada. I'm real happy that you have a section for devotees to share how they came to meet and surrender to Srila Prabhupada. Reading the two accounts inspired and enlivened my Krsna consciousness somehow and I would like to thank the devotees for their loving exchanges. Srila Prabhupada says in "Nectar of Instruction", that ISKCON is nourished and was formed to facilitate these loving exchanges between devotees, so I feel your sharing was a wonderful service to ISKCON and future disciples.

Below I begin to tell my story. I want to note that I am living as a brahmacarini outside the temple and due to circumstances beyond my control, have my own temple and my own morning and evening program. Having been well-trained as a brahmacarini in ISKCON, I had serious hesitations about participating in a forum such as this for fear of fall-down, but I decided that I need the association of like-minded devotees and as this is a preaching tool as well, Krsna will give me special protection, as he does to all His preachers who sometimes have to take risks to spread Krsna consciousness. Mainly I am participating because I think it'll be a lot of Krsna Conscious fun and a contribution in helping to get ISKCON back on track.

My story, I feel, is very typical. I was materially comfortable and was supposed to be happy, go to college and have a career. However, I wasn't. I was concerned around age 15 why I wasn't married and subsequently was raped twice, and began using nicotine and marijuana habitually. During this time is when I first encountered Hare Krsnas. I sort of had a disrespectful attitude toward them, because of their austerity, simplicity and purity. I found it a bit shocking and overstated. The circle in which I grew up, was considered sophisticated; getting high with your parents' "stash" and engaging in other illicit activities (as well as long-winded speculative discussions about life and being politically orientated), was considered the measure of cultural advancement - concepts borrowed from the "Turn on, tune in, and drop out" and Black Power movements.

At that time Berkeley was, and still is, full of people trying to change either the world or themselves, using everything from psychotherapy to psychedelics. Indian influence also permeated the atmosphere, largely through the Beatles, the Maharishi, the Hare Krsnas, etc., and so as a teen it was considered cool to adorn your body and surroundings with Indian cultural paraphernalia and listen to Ravi Shankar, sit on the floor and chant "Om" and such - mostly while high on drugs. In 1969, the Hare Krsnas were in front of the Berkeley campus every day without fail, it seemed - all day dancing and chanting, hour after hour, with a big pot of kitcari. Many of us would stand or sit and watch, or sometimes participate with them. They were different, and relaxing, and they were simple yet interesting. I didn't get bored as I usually would after a short time of school, or "Om" chanting. The drum often really "cooked", easily engaging our restless souls. We liked the superexcellent rhythms, coupled with the karatalas. It was often great music and rocked your soul. So, because of this nice mrdanga and karatala playing, we became captivated.

At that time in the midst of that rather large sankirtan party, there was one black male devotee. He stood out in my eyes like a sore thumb because of that. At the time the Black Power Movement was under full sway and there was a strong pressure to disassociate from whites, (considering them the cause for minority exploitation), and to become politically active - spiritualism was considered the "opiate of the masses". And here was this poor, weak, sell-out, I used to think. But I'd find myself looking to make sure he didn't drop out, because he looked very sincere and a genuine example of a Hare Krsna was supposed to be: humble and really into chanting, and did not display a quality of wanting to "lord it over". It was very obvious and that devotee, through Krsnas grace, changed my negative feeling about devotees, because of his surrender to Srila Prabhupada. He was a very good advertisement, and even though he bewildered me he peaked my curiosity. So in this way the door to Krsna was opened through the purity of this devotee.

Ten years down the road, after being pretty unhappy, I approached the devotees with serious questions. I didn't attend many darshans or even read their books. I surrendered there because I had tried every other path and guru I could find and they were a last resort. I was lucky because it turned out to be the real thing. I was again lucky because despite all the ISKCON turmoil, I was initiated by a ritvik acarya who, even though he was having problems, was very sincere and extremely inspirational, as were many of the ritvik acaryas I'd seen. Surrendering in a rather overnight fashion, the way I did, spontaneously deciding to give up all material engagements, like a $13,000 scholarship to a respectable womens' college, car and apartment paraphernalia, severely strained my family's trust in my ability to make good decisions. I found after four years of such a lifestyle and an attempt at continuing to live that way for two more, I was advised by the ritvik who had fallen, to find someone and marry them and bring them to Krsna.

Taking his guidance to heart (at the time we had all been offensively worshipping him and Prabhupada - saying pranams to both of them as we considered him our guru, not Srila Prabhupada, and this caused his fall-down, he feels), I went out on the famous avenue in Berkeley, known all over the world as "Telegraph Avenue" - the blocks leading to UC, and sat down with books and chanted, and the first pious soul that came up who happened to be looking to marry either a nun or nurse I took and accepted as my mate. He turned out to be a good person and supportive of my Krsna-conscious lifestyle - I had explained the four vows and he said he could respect my sexual vows and wouldn't smoke in the house etc., but I was not attracted to him materially, so the relationship didn't last. I just kept finding too many faults. He was still a "karmi" who smoked, ate meat, was into illicit sexual practices and intoxication and I found myself getting attracted to maya despite being so fully engaged in deity worship.

I had no choice, but to resume devotee standards again, and I am happily doing so and my consciousness is getting clearer and more purified daily. The devotees at the temple scare me. They don't worship Prabhupada as their guru, but others. The temple management has been very intimidating towards me for no apparent reason, scaring me to death. I find the Sunday lectures often very dull and it's near impossible to have a nice exchange with devotees - a lot of whom don't even chant their rounds (because they "have too much service" is the new line; the other is "I'm always chanting in my mind"). So I stay away. Sad. But I'm counting the months until I can get everything Prabhupada ever spoke, in books, on tapes and videos. I know my main service to Srila Prabhupada is distributing books, so that's what I know will have to be my life's goal, though right now I'm just re-establishing myself in sadhana-bhakti - strictly. Do or die, that's my karma and I know it. No foolin' around.

So thanks for letting me share my experience, strength, and hope in Krsna consciousness - ie how I came to meet and surrender to Srila Prabhupada.

Praying for the continued mercy and blessings of the Vaisnavas now and forever. Hare Krsna.

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irg@zetnet.co.uk
Chant Hare Krishna and be happy!