Robert Downey Jr. is in the news again. Caught in an alley acting, as a police spokesman put it, like "someone under the influence of a controlled substance", DJ went to the cop shop for a couple hours, then his parole agent signed him into rehab. Maybe he'll clean up his act this time but probably not. Downey is hooked good and he has a high profile; he'll get busted every time he uses. Someone will always call the cops. Anyway, DJ lost his job on "Ally McBeal" for the rest of this season and possibly for good and all. Maybe now he'll have to knock off a Seven Eleven to get money to buy his drugs but I doubt it. He'll cash out his IRA or float a loan from Calista Flockhart. His habit didn't affect his work; he was doing a good job on the show and even won a Golden Globe award. But he broke the law and got caught so he pays the price. Bob will work again though; I suspect sooner rather than later. He's too good an actor not to hook on somewhere. He'll show up on time and hit his marks, until the night he dies of course, OD'd or shot in a deal gone bad or stomped to death by some tweaker who wanted to kick someone's ass just for the adrenaline rush.

 DJ is sick of course. Unfortunately it's not cancer or heart disease or anything else that would allow him to get his drugs legally by prescription. He's just sick of himself. When my father was dying he was legally loaded on morphine to dull his pain. Dad had been taking it for weeks as his cancer ate him up. The morphine contipated him; that was one of its side effects. On the last full day of his life my father literally let go; he was incontinent and incoherent, rolling around in his feces while the hospice nurse tried to change his diaper. He had dulled his pain but lost his self. Robert Downey Jr. has been losing his self for years now and he still hasn't dulled his pain, but he keeps on trying. So here's the question for Captain Virtue and the Drug Czars: if we regulate and control the manufacture and distribution of some addictive or habituating drugs (beverage alcohol, nicotine, morphine, valium, aspirin, viagra, prozac, to name a few) why can we not do the same for other drugs (marijuana, cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine, to name a few others)? Why can't the states decide for themselves if they want to make some of these other drugs available by prescription? Several have already legalized marijuana by prescription, but the federal government continues to block inplementing legislation that would allow it to be sold to those who want it. It's ironic that many conservatives who favor states rights when it comes to environmental or corporate regulatory issues acquiesce to the Feds when it comes to drug regulation.  So what's to be done? Well, as a public service, I hereby offer for your perusal the Biv Omnibus Substance Control Act of 2001, guaranteed to bring an end to the Drug War once and for all:

1. Tobacco products, marijuana, and beverage alcohol are classified as "potentially harmful recreational drugs". Tobacco and marijuana will only be available at pharmacies by prescription only. A prescription can be obtained on demand from any licensed pharmacist or doctor. Users will be limited to one pack of cigarettes per day and seven cigars,fourteen grams of smokeless tobacco (snuff), and/or three grams of marijuana per week. Participating pharmacies will be required to pay for the cost of a nationwide network, similar to automatic teller machines, that tracks purchases so users won't be able to exceed their quota. Beverage alcohol will continue to be sold as usual. No advertising save point of sale displays will be permitted for either of the three. With every dispensed prescription, the consumer will receive brochures explaining the dangers of these substances and outlining methods and programs to quit using them. Prices for marijuana and tobacco products will capped at $5 a gram for marijuana and snuff and a dollar each for a pack of cigarettes or a cigar.

2. Cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine and other such non-therapeutic psychoactive drugs will be classified as narcotics and available at no charge by a prescription issued by a licensed doctor. The doctor will determine dosage for each consumer. Users will be required to attend weekly drug-diversion programs to encourage them to end their dependency on these drugs. Proof of attendence will be required in order to get prescriptions refilled.

3. Recognizing that the greatest danger to public health is caused by tobacco products, American tobacco companies will be prohibited from exporting, licensing, or selling American-branded products. If the French and Chinese want to get lung cancer they'll have to do it with their own brands. No more Marlboros from Uncle Sam. American companies will also be barred from any ownership or partnership agreements with foreign tobacco companies. We won't continue to be the drug dealer for the third world.