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Comedy Central The Onion rec.humor.funny Darwin Awards Cruel SotD Religious Nut |
 Can you make me laugh? I have no professional experience as a comic, but I do take some pride in my wit. I was heavily involved in competitive public speaking both at the high school and university level. A challenging freshman year of college inspired me to take a gamble. Impromptu and extemporaneous speaking were my primary events, but, after a series of disappointing outings, I decided to experiment with after dinner speaking. The event's name is deceptively dull. Some of the best performances are essentially ten minute long stand-up routines. To my delight, my first effort was an unambiguous success, and that spring I managed to rank among the top 24 after dinner speakers at the final national tournament -- a remarkable achievement for a freshman. Though I went on win many more awards and even land a paying gig as an actor, outside of competition I have never taken the stage as a comic performer.More recently, I have spent a tremendous amount of time exploring various literary forms. Much of my work is serious, but I have a small body of humorous material including sketches, short stories, and the beginnings of a screenplay. Of all my comical writings, my favorites are the fake news stories. Since I first started working online, I have been thoroughly amused on a weekly basis by The Onion. At one point, I decided I would try to get inside their organiztion by submitting a batch of material in the same idiom. I found them wholly unreceptive to the idea of hiring people outside their social circle to work as writers, but I took solace in the fact that I now had a non-trivial collection of original bogus news stories. With the passing of the year 2000 and the Clinton administration, several of those items are no longer timely. Most of the rest needed some minor editing to make them current. The next portion of this document is one such item, composed approximately two years ago. The only way to know if you can make someone laugh is to try, so what follows is my attempt to answer the pending question. |
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Bill Gates Issued License to Print Money Redmond, WA -- In an unprecedented action last week, officials from the Treasury Department and the Microsoft Corporation came to a historic agreement. Bill Gates has become the first private citizen of the U.S. with official authority to manufacture and distribute legal tender. Terms of the deal give both the software tycoon and his lucrative corporation the power to manufacture coins and bills of any denomination up to one hundred dollars. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson declared, "a new golden age for corporate America," and expressed his hope that the license would be a way of "giving something back to the man who has already taken so much from our society." Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan expressed shock and outrage when informed of the deal. He ranted, "ever since its inception, the Federal Reserve Banking System has been the primary instrument of monetary policy in this country. Our cryptic addresses to Congress and subtle manipulation of interest rates insure that financial titans remain subservient to political leaders. This [license] directly undermines the Federal Reserve's ability to manipulate domestic and global economies. The clear division between rich and poor could be eroded if the power to print money is used indiscriminantly."Hilda Kriegman, a senior member of Microsoft's legal team, characterized the event in a different light, "for years Microsoft has operated above the law. We have intentionally cultivated a monopoly which penetrates into most of the homes, businesses, and schools of the United States. Subsequently, we have exploited our position to compel almost every major entity in the computer industry to offer us favorable business terms. We have used intimidation where neccessary and secrecy where possible. This agreement with the treasury department will enable us to step out into the light. Rather than hide our blatant disregard for the hundreds of millions of Microsoft users, we can now revel in it! At last, the legal environment is starting to adapt to accomodate the needs of our organization."Tarquin Duvall, CEO of a small software firm in San Diego, concurred with Greenspan in principle, but doubted that Microsoft would choose to jeopardize the ongoing concentration of wealth in the U.S. Even so, he did identify the license as a source of great danger. Duvall explained, "there is one word that comes before all others in the mind of Bill Gates, and that word is 'proprietary.' I think it is unlikely that he will use his new legal power to mint simple hundreds, fifties, and twenties. I would be on the lookout for a new eleven, thirty-three, and ninety-nine dollar bills. The Treasury's ideal of 'print once, spend anywhere' is incompatible with Gates's methods. If he follows the business model which has driven him to this point, in a decade or two merchants and banks will be forced to switch to Microsoft Money. Conventional U.S. dollars will cease to work with cash registers, accounting systems, and tabulation machines, all driven exclusively by Microsoft operating systems."Bill Gates acknowledged such concerns in his address on the formation of the Currency Products Division at Microsoft. Against the backdrop of his own image on the world's largest video screen, the world's richest man said, "this country has had basically the same system of currency denomination for a very long time. People are crying out for something newer and better . . . Sure, most people today are comfortable with one hundred cents to the dollar. At Microsoft, we aren't interested in making people comfortable with what is. Our mission is to inspire people with what could be. We have long refused to let popular opinion or the rule of law prevent us from bringing innovations to our customers. This enlightened act by the Treasury Department will be the first step toward a money supply controlled by Microsoft and constantly upgraded to insure that the American people are getting the most from their currency."Dr. J. Walker Arnsworth, an expert in the history of American currencies, expressed suspicion that these "innovations" are actually undesirable changes made to insure incompatibility between conventional money and the currency Bill Gates will issue. After much conemplation, he speculated, "the shift from cash transactions to electronic commerce is rapid and irreversible. Actual cash will be a fairly rare commodity in just two or three more generations. The real crisis will come when Microsoft attempts to integrate money into its operating system. Other forms of money might still be available, but spenders must go out of their way to find a substitute for something which is already at hand. Sun Microsystems and Apple Computers are likely to offer alternatives with clearly superior performance characteristics, reliability, and ease of use. Sadly the business practices of Microsoft will cause most of the United States, and eventually the world, to rely entirely on funds originating with Bill Gates.""Do you see what we're up against?" said Microsoft apologist Kriegman, taking umbrage at any suggestion the corporation might abuse its new capability. She insisted, "Our plan will result in a global consolidation of currency, forever ending the recessions and depressions caused by currency speculation. Travellers will no longer have to convert funds from one form to another, and international business will be dramatically simplified. Here we are, trying to make life better for people everywhere, and all we get is questions about our methods and motives! So Bill Gates will decide who is rich and who is poor. So Bill Gates will have more personal wealth than the combined treasuries of all the world's governments. So Bill Gates will be in complete control of wholesale, retail, and banking practices. So what! The root of all evil is money, so Bill Gates will solve the problem of evil by replacing our money with something better. These people should be celebrating in these magnificent times, not criticizing a glorious visionary."Amid the controversey, plans have already been made for Microsoft Money 1.0, the first release. Industry experts who have been allowed to test prototypes report that the software giant has a lot to learn about operating a mint. There are known problems trying to work with both coins and the paper currency at the same time. In addition, the user interface is awkward, requiring a difficult double-tap on the lower left portion of each bill in order to display the face value. On the other hand, the new currency does offer some nice features, like the option to adjust the colors of the paper money or the ability to select which Microsoft executive's head appears the larger coins. Microsoft Money should be available to the public in time for Christmas or perhaps early next year. |