Lets face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

I've learned...

Tthat you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be
someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

That no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it

That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life
that counts.

That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that,
you'd better know something.

That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.

That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for
life.

That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the
last time you see them.

That you can keep going long after you can't.

That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the
passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be
done, regardless of the consequences.

That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best
time.

That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be
the ones to help you get back up.

That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that
doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays
you've celebrated.

That you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or
outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would
be if they believed it.

That your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but
people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach
you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.

That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once
in awhile -- you must forgive them for that.

That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are
to learn to forgive yourself.

That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for
your grief.

That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but
we are responsible for who we become.

That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each
other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends
change.

That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change
your life forever.

That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something
totally different.

That no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually
get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't
even know you.

That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries
out to you, you will find the strength to help.

That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

That it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and
not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

JOKE FOR YOU:

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel,
he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of
paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type
it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead
to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day
before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at
the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead
faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

KEEP ON SINGING

Like any good mother, when Karen finds out that another baby is on the way, she does what she can to
help her 3-year-old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling. They find out that the new baby is going to be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sings to his sister in Mommy's tummy. The pregnancy progresses normally for Karen, an active member of the Church in Morristown, Tennessee. Then the labor pains came. Every five minutes ... every minute. Complications arise during delivery. Hours of labor. Would a C-section be required?
Finally, Michael's little sister is born.
But she is in serious condition. With siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushes
the infant to the neonatal intensive care unit at St. Mary's Hospital, Knoxville, Tennessee. The days inch by.
The little girl gets worse. The pediatric specialist tells the parents,
"There is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst."

Karen and her husband contact a local cemetery about a burial plot. They have fixed up a special room in their home for the new baby-now they plan a funeral. Michael, keeps begging his parents to let him see his sister, "I want to sing to her," he says.

Week two in intensive care. It looks as if a funeral will come before the week is over. Michael keeps nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care.
But Karen makes up her mind. She will take Michael whether they like it or not. If he doesn't see his sister now, he may never see her alive. She dresses him in an oversized scrub suit and marches him into ICU. He looks like a walking laundry basket, but the head nurse recognizes him,
and determination rises up strong in Karen. The usually mild-mannered lady glares steel-eyed
into the head nurse's face, her lips a firm line. "He is not leaving until he sings to his sister!" Karen tows Michael to his sister's bedside. He gazes at the tiny infant losing the battle to live. And he begins to sing. In the pure hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sings: "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you
make me happy when skies are gray ---"

Instantly the baby girl responds. The pulse rate becomes calm and steady. Keep on singing,
Michael.

"You never know, dear, how much I love you, Please don't take my sunshine away---" The ragged, strained breathing becomes as smooth as a kitten's purr. Keep on singing, Michael. "The other
night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms..."
Michael's little sister relaxes as rest, healing rest, seems to sweep over her. Keep on singing, Michael. Tears conquer the face of the bossy head nurse. Karen glows.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Please don't, take my sunshine away."

Funeral plans are scrapped. The next, day - the very next day -
the little girl is well enough to go home!

Darwin:
-------
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they have a genetic
disposition to cross roads.

Freud:
-------
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Machiavelli:
-------------
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever
motive there was.

Albert Camus:
---------------
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions
have no meaning except to him.

Oliver Stone (director of the movie "JFK"):
--------------
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom
we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Bill Clinton:
--------------
It wasn't me. I wasn't chasing the chicken. There was no inappropriate
relationship between me and the chicken

Newt Gingrich
--------------
Because the Chicken was kicked out of the coop.

Jerry Seinfeld:
--------------
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing
walking around all over the place anyway?"

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
------------------------
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

Immanuel Kant:
--------------
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross
the road of his own free will.

George Orwell:
-------------
Because the government had fooled him into thinking
that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really
only serving their interests.

Karl Marx:
--------------
It was a historical inevitability.

Nietzsche:
------------
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.

Jean-Paul Sartre:
------------------
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein:
-----------------
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha:
-------
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
---------------------
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway:
-----------------
To die. In the rain.

Bill Gates:
-----------
I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will
both cross roads, balance your checkbook, and solve your Y2K problem

Many people will walk in and out of your life,
but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head,
To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it's his fault.
If he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

God gives every bird it's food,
but He does not throw it into it's nest.

He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses more;
He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature,
but beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing,
but so few people can hold it.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? (my explanation: Styrofoam is used as a packing material to fill in the box and make a cushion for something that we send)

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious. (my explanation.: skylights are small windows in the roof)

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? (my explanation.: lethal injection - one of the ways to execute a convicted person)

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak? (my explanation.: bright has two meanings)

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't
they be called builts?

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