</head> <body link="#003300" vlink="#006633" alink=“#663300” size="4">   <div align="center"><table width="700"><tr><td> <center>><H1><FONT COLOR="RED"> <IMG SRC="http://geocities.datacellar.net/buddychai/Files/smiley.gif"> ... Go Figure Rednecks ... <IMG SRC="http://geocities.datacellar.net/buddychai/Files/smiley.gif"></FONT></H1></center> <p align="right"><B><font color="#006699" SIZE="2" FACE="Verdana"> ... <A HREF="mailto:?subject=checkout this series&BODY= Redneck Thoughts... http://geocities.datacellar.net/buddychai/Misc/RedneckThoughts.html">Recommend</a></font><font face="Verdana" SIZE="1"> this series to a friend.</font></B><p> Probability Theory ... If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, will they eventually produce all the works of Shakespeare in Braille?<P><FONT COLOR="RED">BUDDY'S REDNECK CENSUS FORM</FONT></CENTER><P><CENTER><TABLE><TD><FONT FACE="comic sans ms" SIZE="4"> Last name: ________________<P>(Check appropriate box)<BR>First name:<P>[_] Billy-Bob<BR>[_] Bobby-Sue<BR>[_] Billy-Joe<BR>[_] Bobby-Jo<BR>[_] Billy-Ray<BR>[_] Bobby-Ann<BR>[_] Billy-Sue<BR>[_] Bobby-Lee<BR>[_] Billy-Mae<BR>[_] Bobby-Ellen<BR>[_] Billy-Jack<BR>[_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue<P>Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)<P>Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure<P>Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right<P>Occupation:<BR>[_] Farmer<BR>[_] Mechanic<BR>[_] Hair Dresser<BR>[_] Waitress<BR>[_] Un-employed<BR>[_] Dirty Politician<P>Spouse's Name: __________________________<BR>2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________<BR>3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________<BR>Lover's Name: __________________________<BR> 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________<P>Relationship with spouse:<BR>[_] Sister<BR>[_] Aunt<BR>[_] Brother<BR>[_] Uncle<BR>[_] Mother<BR>[_] Son<BR>[_] Father<BR>[_] Daughter<BR>[_] Cousin<BR>[_] Pet<P>Number of children living in household: ___<BR>Number of children living in shed: ___<BR>Number of children that are yours: ___<P>Mother's Name: _______________________<BR>Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)<P>Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)<BR>Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)<P>Vehicles you own and where you keep them:<BR>___ Total number of vehicles you own<BR>___ Number of vehicles that still crank<BR>___ Number of vehicles in front yard<BR>___ Number of vehicles in back yard<BR>___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks<P>Firearms you own and where you keep them:<BR>____ truck<BR>____ kitchen<BR>____ bedroom<BR>____ bathroom<BR>____ shed<P>Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_<P>Number of road kills presently in your freezer?<BR>[ ] 3<BR>[ ] 5<BR>[ ] 10 or more<P>Do you have a gun rack?<BR>[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:<P>Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:<BR>[_] The National Enquirer<BR>[_] The Globe<BR>[_] TV Guide<BR>[_] Soap Opera Digest<BR>[_] Rifle and Shotgun<P>___ Number of times you've seen a UFO<BR>___ Number of times you've seen Elvis<BR>___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO<P>How often do you bathe:<BR>[_] Weekly<BR>[_] Monthly<BR>[_] Not Applicable<P>How many teeth? ___<BR>Color of teeth:<BR>[_] Yellow<BR>[_] Brownish-Yellow<BR>[_] Brown<BR>[_] Black<BR>[_] N/A<P>Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:<BR>[_] Red-Man<P>How far is your home from a paved road?<BR>[_] 1 mile<BR>[_] 2 miles<BR>[_] don't know</FONT></TABLE></CENTER><P><CENTER><FONT COLOR="RED">BUDDY'S TEST FOR REDNECK STATUS</FONT><P>YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...</CENTER><P><OL><LI>Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this.<P><LI>Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."<P><LI>Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.<P><LI>One of your kids was born on a pool table.<P><LI>The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.<P><LI>The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.<P><LI>You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.<P><LI>You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.<P><LI>You go to your family reunion looking for a date.<P><LI>You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.<P><LI>You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.<P><LI>You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.<P><LI>You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.<P><LI>You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.<P><LI>You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.<P><LI>You take a six-pack cooler to church.<P><LI>You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.<P><LI>You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.<P><LI>You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.<P><LI>You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.<P><LI>You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, Gentlemen, start your engines."<P><LI>You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.<P><LI>Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.<P><LI>Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.<P><LI>Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."<P><LI>Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.<P><LI>Your wife can't divorce you 'cause you've never been married.<P><LI>Your wife divorces you and she's still your sister.<P><LI>Your wife's (mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend) hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.<P><LI>Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.<P><LI>You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.<P><LI>You've got more than one brother named Darryl.</OL><P><CENTER><FONT COLOR="RED">REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS</FONT></CENTER><P>BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods<BR>BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern<BR>BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick<BR>BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro<BR>CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps<BR>CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in<BR>TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker<BR>CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited<BR>DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers<BR>DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer<BR>FAX - What you lie about to the IRS<BR>HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking<BR>HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos<BR>INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair<BR>KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere<BR>MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food<BR>MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers<BR>MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall<BR>MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live<BR>NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line<BR>ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test<BR>ROM - Where the pope lives<BR>SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch<BR>SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast<BR>SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year<BR>SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear<P><A NAME="SWIM"><CENTER><FONT COLOR="RED">AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?<P><IMG SRC="Files/redneck.jpg"></font></center><P><FONT COLOR="RED">FINALLY A WARNING...</FONT><p>It seems that the Arkansas Quarter that the US Mint put out in the program featuring quarters from each state might not be worth any more than the stated 25 cents. They are being recalled after the numerous reports saying they will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices.<p>The problem lies in the unique design of their quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark specialists. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.</FONT><center><A HREF="mailto:sperare@hotmail.com"><IMG SRC="http://geocities.datacellar.net/buddychai/Misc/Files/emailscroll.gif" BORDER="0"></A><P>Please don't open until ... <A HREF="RedneckValentine.html">Redneck Valentine's Day</A> ... for Redneck lovers.<P>We return to ... <A HREF="http://geocities.datacellar.net/buddychai/Navigator.html">Our Navigator</A> ... you Redneck, you.</center></td></tr></table></div></font></body></html> </object></layer></div></span></style></noscript></table></script></applet><script language="JavaScript" src="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mc/mc.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://us.js2.yimg.com/us.js.yimg.com/lib/smb/js/hosting/cp/js_source/geov2_001.js"></script><script language="javascript">geovisit();</script><noscript><img src="http://visit.geocities.yahoo.com/visit.gif?us1240693864" alt="setstats" border="0" width="1" height="1"></noscript> <IMG SRC="http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=76001548&t=1240693864&f=us-w6" ALT=1 WIDTH=1 HEIGHT=1>