... Test Page 2 ...

SO ~~ YOU WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN?
Here are a few tests to see if you are ready.

The Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower-bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons ... Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
The Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's - (Now if Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles) ... Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
The Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) ... and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
The Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.
The Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug ... Fill halfway with water and suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Now try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
The Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with about 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard ... Make up about a dozen more and sing these too, until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
The Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
The Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself ... Now proceed to the nearest food store ... Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper ... Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
The Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child ... Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

This'll takes you to the ... Menu... making it easy for you.

ARE YOU READY TO BE JEWISH?
By that I mean: do you think you can function in a Jewish family?
Take this test and see:
~~ taken from "Jewish as a Second Language" by Molly Katz ~~
Try to keep score ... a decent score and ... you're in my family.

There are no Jews living in
a. sin.
b. El Paso.
c. trailor parks.
The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to
a. do windows.
b. make latkes.
c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings.
To make a good pet for a Jewish child, and animal must be
a. gentle.
b. housebroken.
c. stuffed.
Jews spend their vacations discussing
a. their sightseeing.
b. their sunbathing.
c. where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next.
A Jewish mouth never
a. lies.
b. closes.
c. contains gold teeth.
If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are
a. up on the latest styles.
b. entitled to free haircuts.
c. not Jewish.
Wilderness means
a. no running water.
b. no electricity.
c. no hot-and-sour soup.
The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is
a. jogging.
b. tennis.
c. howling over the neighbor's lawn ornaments.
Jews never drive
a. unsafely.
b. on Saturdays.
c. eighteen-wheelers.
A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
a. Easter lilies.
b. a crucifix.
c. a Zippo lighter.
a Jewish skydiver is
a. careful.
b. insured.
c. an apparition.
Jews never eat at restaurants that
a. aren't kosher.
b. cost too much.
c. have paintings for sale.
No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
a. become a prostitute.
b. deface a synagogue.
c. remove the back of a TV set.
There is no such thing as a Jewish
a. black belt.
b. obscene caller.
c. toll collector.
Jews never sing
a. off-key.
b. “Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu”.
c. around a piano bar.
You won't catch a Jewish person on a
a. horse.
b. backhoe.
c. toot.
Jews are ambivalent about
a. vegetarianism.
b. Jesse Jackson.
c. absolutely nothing.

SCORING: Take 1 point for each Aanswer, 2 for each B, and 3 for each C.

39 to 51: Mazel tov. You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied our traditions carefully out of respect for our years of nurturing these ways, or you're from Florida.

29 to 38: You're not there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer, and with a lot more butter than you used to.

17 to 28: Sorry. Better go back to reading between the lines on this website. I think you're missing the purpose of all these pages. Ever think of buying a Denny's franchise; that might fit ya.

TESTING GENERAL SMARTS

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are. Ready? GO.

First Question... You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? (scroll down for the answer)

Answer... If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second. Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question... If you overtake the last person, then what position are you in?

Answer... If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you over take the LAST person? You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question... Very tricky math. Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000. Now add 10.

What is the total? Scroll down for answer...

Answer... Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator.

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Last Question... Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana,
2. Nene,
3. Nini,
4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer... Nunu? NO. Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

That's about it. Don't think poorly of yourself; most people get the wrong answers.

UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI ENTRANCE EXAM - Football Player Version

What language is spoken in France?
A … Greek
B … French
C … Hebrew
Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
Would you ask William Shakespeare to
A … build a bridge
B … sail the ocean
C … lead an army
D … WRITE A PLAY
What religion is the Pope?
A ... Jewish
B ... Catholic
C ... Hindu
D ... Polish
E … Agnostic (check only one)
Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
Name a color that rhymes with urple.
What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
What are people in America's far north called? A. Westerners B. Southerners C. Northerners
Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
Where does rain come from?
A …Macy'
B … a 7-11 store
C ... Canada
D ... the sky
Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A ... yes
B ... no
What are coat hangers used for?
The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
OR - spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
Where is the basement in a three story building located?
Which part of America produces the most oranges?
A … New York
B ... Florida
C ... Canada
D ... Wisconsin
Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
The University of Miami tradition for efficiency began when? (approximately)
A ... B.C.
B ... A.D.
C ... still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

A NOTHING RIDDLE
By that I mean it's simple, really nothing, if you give it some thought.

It's more powerful than G-d.
It's more evil than the Devil.
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
If you eat it you will die.

Believe it or not, 70% of elementary school children quizzed solved the riddle.
And only 17% of college age people figured it out. Good luck.

STOP HERE

Don't move to the bottom unless you give up and want the answer.

The answer is NOTHING.
NOTHING is more powerful than G-d.
NOTHING is more evil than the Devil.
The poor have NOTHING.
The rich need NOTHING.
And if you eat NOTHING you will die.

Mensa is an organization whose entire membership of 100,000 has IQ's in the top two percent of the population. Although you can't qualify for membership online, you can take the Mensa Workout. Absolutely guaranteed to be most stimulating or headache-inducing, and depending on your mood, you'll have 30 minutes to solve 30 problems like “What is the number that is one half of one quarter of one tenth of 400?”. Then after automatically tabulating your score, the Workout will tell you if you're likely to be Mensa material. If not, then you probably don't want to know that Mensa's youngest member is only four years old.

In only thirty minutes you'll know if you're Mensa material.
Give it a try ... Mensa Workout... it's also fun.

Some more testing on … Tests Page 3… your keyboard keys.
Return to ... Navigator... that's it.