time is still continuing..

08/01/01 12:13am
woohoo!! its monday...thats basically one of the most crappiest days of the week. hee hee. but im looking forward to it, cause i get to see my rockin friends, like muna and diana and sarah and jessica, and hmm..i wish i could see hayley, but she doesnt go to our school, she graduated. she's so sweet!!! as are allll of my buddies. mwa! love you guys!! i should get going to sleep now. the shape of pete townshend's head looks like my friend paul's, ha ha, i wonder what paul will think to that remark. ;)
9:29am
i'm in my communication graphics class, eating Ritz cheese crackers, and of course workin on my wbsite. ha ha. tax payer money hard at work! =) my mommy didnt pack me a lunch today, shucks. oh well. yum yum yum i like ritz crackers. im sharing them with ashley. :-) yummy. okay, thats enough, i cant really think of what else to write about.
3:56pm
im at home and i finished up some cheetos that were really yummy. my life has changed people. i am using this new brand of deoderant called Degree, and its great!!! i really recommend you try it, smells awesome. And it also keeps you fresh..i should be their spokesperson!!

09/01/01 5:20pm
alright, today wasnt too shabby i guess. did stuff, said silly things as usual. didnt wear my Senior shirt, sorry girls, I'll try and look for it later. I am in dire need of a job, and money pronto!! My parents only have enough money to pay the bills, other then that, they are broke. Not even enough money for lunch, which will explain why my mom has been packing my lunch lately...I really need the for the following:
1. $40 for art supplies
2. $22 to pay sarah back for the Weezer ticket
3. $5-40 for the secure, or the complete purchase of a year book
4. $60 ?? for a deposit on ordering invitations to my graduation [ha ha, i was going to put funeral!!]
Alright, so if you have money, and take pity on me..hee hee, email me here, and i'll give you further info to mail me money!! i was feelin kinda low, and as usual Paul comes to save the day with his humor. ha ha. HERE goes a pic of him that im sure you'll just love. i ate some yummy left overs from my trip to IHOP last night with Dee and Alan. It was cool! We went out late, and we had a really nice waitress. Dee even gave me some of her yummy cheesecake. In the restroom this lady i swear..she was standing up when she was peeing!! i couldnt help but notice things like that, hee hee. I think maybe she was really a man!!! SCary..

10/01/01 Wed. 3:48pm
Alright, thats it. I'm a very caring person, and it isnt always as easy as it seems people. The other day i noticed that some people left really mean comments about my brother in his guestbk. apparently he is a "physcho" or some shit like that, and if he is people, then boo hoo. I've known my brother all my life [duh] of 18 years 1 month and 10 days. He is not an evil person, in fact his only "problem" is that he is too nice. It sometimes comes off as him making a move on you, or trying to play a mind game on you..Cause who can be so open and honest?? Especially a guy. No he is not gay either. He doesnt wear turtlenecks, nor would he be caught dead in one. Anyways, my whole point is, its bothering me. Many of my friends know that i worry too much, and let a lot of things bother me. And right now, this is one of them. I dont want my brother to feel partly to blame, because i know he'll feel bad about it, and tell me not to worry..I always tell him that one of his flaws is that he is too trusting and nice. A lot of people in the past have stopped being his friend for their own reasons, or his own. I fuckin hate bringing up certain situations, so i wont. Because frankly im over it all. I dont think about it, or talk about it, because ITS IN THE PAST, i dont like to hold grudges for too long because its VERY unhealthy VERY. not only does it give you bad karma [if you believe in that sort of thing, i kinda do], but it soon starts to deteriate your mind [spelling badly..] and body. Now...I love all of my friends, and basically most of them check outmy ramblings. So if youre reading this, and it makes sense to you, then know that i hate confrontation, and i choose to express my feelings on this matter for a reason. I dont like knowing that my brother is hated, by, or is annoying or scaring, some of my friends. Being around you guys and knowing that he bothers you makes me feel somewhat responsible, like ..do i have to babysit him?? Make sure that he wont talk to you all? Wont write to ya'll? Make any contact with you?? I know that you all love me for me, and disliking him hasnt affected how you feel for me, thats great, thats what true friendship is about. Just...agh, i dont even know where im going with this now. Maybe just to say "Hey. It makes me uncomfortable knowing that you hate my brother, because he has hurt you and you think he is crazy. If you cant get over it, or if you have, then why discuss it so much? Use another person as an example, no wait. Fuck. Just do whateva you want. Its YOUR life, and YOU choose to talk about who ya wanna bitch about, etc etc etc..." I'm just so FUCKING TIRED of seeing people being taken advantage of for being misunderstood or too nice. EVERYONE has been taken advantage of, im not saying that you havent , and i for one am sick and tiring to see it!!! Once i leave highschool i'll be so goddamn happy! Im not the type to go up to my friends and start bitchin them out, if they feel the right to talk shit about someone for something that they did to them, then okay. Just know that it does bother me.
4:32pm
and yes, i still love you all.

11/01/01 Thur. 7:23pm
bitch bitch bitch
8:38pm
okay, so i took a shower and feel much more refreshed and relaxed...today was just like any other day. went to school, did the same routine, heard the same crap told by everyone, and left with a feeling of not accomplishing much of anything. that happens basically every day. i know what i need to fix, im just not fixing it yet. im not 100% happy, im not 100% sad. im just 100% here. i had a lil talk with my friend. im not sure if it really got anywhere, i guess i'll find out tomorrow at school. no more just sitting there and taking shit. i dont really want to parade around with witty remarks that only i find funny, and say for my own amusement. its time i fucking sit down and say "piss off!" to everyone when i feel it necessary. alright, enough with the teenage angst. Now onto my parents plan to slowly starve us...They brought my sister and I some fast food today right when we got home today...come on!! I'm sure for a fact that they know what they are doing...Any time after we eat fast food, anything else that we want to eat pales in comparison. Therefore we wont usually eat anything else for the rest of the day, cause it wont be the same. Crazy you say? Well its not so crazy when its happening to you...

13/01/01 Sat. 12:32am
Here go the things that happened today, and how i feel about them, the high points, and low points...
Woke up for school -Low Point: having to wake up and go to school/ High Point: dont have to be at home
Being at school- Low Points: same fucking bullshit routine/High Point: my friend jessica gave me some of her grapefruit, first time i ate grapefruit
Leaving school -Low Points: have to clean up my room when i get home/ High Point: duh! I left school!! 3 day weekend!!
Going to movies-Low Points: movie wanted to see was sold out, then there was this VERY scary looking man [mostly it was his eyes that were scary, everything else was fine]/ High Points: saw a pretty funny movie, got to hang out with my friends
Eating at mcdonalds after movie- Low points: I realized that i hadnt been to that mcdonalds in forever, b/c the counters were different/ High Points: got to hang out w/my buddies and sis, i got to eat
Came back home-High Points: my bed rocks, so does my bathroom, workin on my webpage/Low Points: having to be redundant
11:09am
watching MallRats on the FX channel, its been sooo edited, i'd rather watch the un-edited version, but im far too lazy at this point to find the tape and pop it in. my mother said that we have to go to a wedding at 3 today, my friend diana is going to a wedding too. it'd be freaky if it ended up being the same wedding, but i really really doubt it. i've been checking out the statistics on my page too, very interesting...I put up a pretty pretty SONG that i've always liked. it was my fave when i was depressed for a long time, because the song kinda has a suicidal thought at the end. [ dont worry, i aint gonna ever kill myself] Oh neet, they are also showing Look Whose Talking 2 on tv!! Hee Hee, i love watching movies.
2:02pm
one of the things i must restate that i really fucking hated about going to church [also weddings, etc etc] was that my mom gets anal about what we wear. she'll tell us what to wear, and if we pick out something that she doesnt like, all hell breaks loose. this is a shitty situation, because we always end up bitching at each other and getting frustrated and its just horrible horrible horrible. they'll say "do you plan on wearing that dress? why dont you wear some make up, brush your hair more, arent you embarrassed to be going out like that? dont you feel bad about going to a wedding dressed like that and looking like that??" you know what i say back to them? "you know what, i think i look fine, at least im not dressed slutty like some girls that go in short skirts or showing tons of cleavage. do you want me to dress slutty?? and my hair is fine, it'll get messed up on the way there anyways. and no im not embarassed, if youre embarassed to have people see me and know that im your daughter, then im sorry that you feel that way..." i should move at least 150 miles away from this place...
8:35pm
the wedding ceremony was pretty nice. it was freezing in the church though, guess they were too cheap to put the heater on. i hear they want to expand the church, so that there will be more room...how interesting. theres now a cross like hanging up in the air above the altar, its kinda scary looking to me. im afraid it could fall down one day or something, that wouldnt be good at all. i started to pray for everybody i knew, and then just started to pray for basically everyone in the world, hee hee. i know too many people that are sick or dying, or very depressed or confused, etc etc. so i prayed extra hard for them all. of course i didnt forget to mention myself in the praying. i wonder what it'll be like when i get married... i didnt cry, but i did say "awww" a lot. couldnt help it, so sweet and cute the couple was. my bestfriend is an uncle now!!! congrats to him and his family, i just hope he doesnt teach the baby some of his crazy ways...the world doesnt need two of him. hee hee. ;) "youre like a trained seal" -me

14/01/01 Sunday 3:50pm
mommy's b-day today, she's so pretty. i asked her how old she feels, and she said she feels like she's 15, hee hee. how awesome. got to hang out with my lil cousin Rita, she let me borrow her little mermaid ring. i played barbies with her, and i was realizing that my imagination has even somewhat matured a bit. i thought out what i wanted to say when i was playing w/the barbie, and before i just remember making up stuff as it came. uhm..then again, i also thought out what i wanted to say, to try and persuade her into stop playing barbies. ;) went to church again today, same as usual. daddy asked me afterwards how i felt being in church again and i said "i feel exactly how i feel now sitting here talking to you. except not as sleepy" my mommy quized me on what the priest was talking about during mass, and i answered perfectly. of course i was paying attention..

15/01/01 Mon. 12:01pm
okie dokie, its martin luther king jr. day. people shouldnt be so ignorant, theres still a lot of racial problems going around. im glad its not as bad as it was back then though...enough seriousness for awhile. okay, today i think im going to da movies w/a buddy and my sis and her friend. so that should be neet. i didnt end up looking for a job this weekend..oh well. also, i didnt end up filling out any applications to colleges..or scholarships. shame on me. i'm sure i'll get it done. this band i wanna see is coming to houston this saturday, it'd be neet if i could go. they are called Cave In, i dont know if they have a site or not..lemme see..nope. i dont think they do.blah. lets hope today doesnt suck for anyone.
1:04pm
whats that saying ? carpe diem? sieze the day...yeah. hypocracy. if you've read my ramblings..then you know what i call hypocrits. Hippos. yup yup. i think in a way, everyone has a bit of it in them. some people have way more then others. i'd like to think im in the middle....yup yup. i dont let it go overboard like some people. gots to go to da movies now.
4:57pm
went and saw da movie Save The Last Dance, pretty "slammin" dancing. hee hee. it was freakin dark when we walked into the theater, i almost tripped and died on the steps..im sure that'd make some people happy. wish i knew how to dance well, but uh..nevermind. some songs are rocking. theres a song imn listening to by Radiohead, called Leave but Micheal Stipe sings the song [he is from the group REM]. neet-o. i dunno why im suddenly doing that neet-o shit. ah well, if it bothers me now, maybe it bothers other people. tomorrow school starts back up. i swear to god. in my whole entire life, going to school hasnt seemed this redudant. my classes are easy, and it seems like most conversations are never changing...we are all growing up, and going through huge changes in our lives. yet it seems like stupid highschool is keeping EVERYONE back..this just isnt fair. yap yap yap yapping. life isnt fair. i know that. theres some looney person online IMing me, and TRYING to gross or freak me out or some shit like that. aint workin people. im like "what an idiot.." hee hee bonfire madigan is an awesome group, you should check them out people!! now i say!! ;) my friend hayley loves em tons, she even knows the singer/cello player very well. alright, im hungry. gonna go eat. ooh yeah, aside from my friends who read my ramblings a lot.i want everyone else to go check out their sites, they rock!!!!!!!!! i put their links up on my LINKS page, duh. =P

16/01/01 Tues. 6:49pm
quiet time today my friends. i got some work done, something i hardly do. now i should focus that on doing some college shit..anyhoo. i went to the library during one of my classes, because i got the huge urge to read this book my friend is reading. but our stupid stupid school does not have any books by that author at all!!! blasted!!!!! ahh well. im sure i'll buy it at good ol Half Price Books. =) books rock!!! i talked things over with my buddy Ashley ,honestly for a bit i thought things were kinda rocky between us. i had misheard something she told me over the phone on friday of last week, and it left me wondering if it was just my bad hearing, or if she had actually said it. so i finally got to see her again today, and i wrote her a note tellin her how i felt, she came after school and we chatted about it. things are great again. i love that girl, she's awesome. of course im sure i do things that bother her sometimes, but thats alright, cause its 50/50!! ha ha. im such a kidder. most people might not agree with how i deal with most matters, but thats how i go about life..doing things my way. when i get great advice from people i dont completely disregard it, why do i ask for their advice if i dont follow it?? i love getting other points of views, sometimes to help validate how im feeling on the subject. from point A to point Z, i tend to stick with my intuition. thats something you've gotta have faith to trust in.
9:25pm
im watchin tv. and its the same. yep. i forgot where it was i heard it...but something about how most parents use the tv. as their kids babysitter.just found that interesting...skinny guys..theres something about them...and not skinny guys, theres something about them too...damn. theres something about everyone. me? im jessica. what about bacon? yeah. i can be bacon too. its basically the same person, cept the name is different.

17/01/01 Wed. 5:10pm
being sick sucks. the thing is, im not even really sick. sometimes i get these sharp pains in my upper rib cage area. and it isnt any fun at all. sometimes i wont get them for months, but when i get them, they make me scared. because i cant breath heavily, or move too quickly. so its a real big distraction, and today i got it this morning when going to school. that was no picnic, it went away by second period though. then it came back for some reason at the end of my last class, that hardly ever happens. i usually never get it twice in a day...so my mom called the doctors office, and scheduled an appointment with her. last time i saw the doctor i told her about the pains and everything, and she said that it was probably indegestion, and to just breath calmy and not stress out or anything. old fart. that was uhm, in 99 i think. so its been 2yrs, geesh...hee hee. time sure does fly by! i get to miss some of school on this friday, yay! thats pretty groovy, cause it'll mostly be economics. The appointment is at 9am so i should be done by at least 10, and my mommy better take me out to eat afterwards. that'd take about another hour, so i'll be back for creative writing. woohoo!! im sure i wont have too much make up work for that day...tomorrow is yet another Poetry Experience session. i hear that man Kool B is going to be there, ha ha. I wrote about him in an old rambling of mine on 9/7/00 Thursday geesh, that was a long time ago too. the first time i saw kool b. hee hee, funny name..right now im reflecting one some people that i really really appreciate and love in my life. aside from my family that is too. one person in particular im thinking about..gosh...i'd explode if i didnt have them right now. before sure i was fine, never knowing them and all. but now that i do know them, it'd be sad to live without them...you know who you are. love you.
11:58pm
its almost tomorrow. bout 2 minutes left to go....today was strange. great and strange. posted a lot at boards, remininced about things. had laughs. had a great discussion with a buddy. all is well. i wonder what tomorrow will bring....

18/01/01 Thursday 12am
so far this day hasnt broughten me much.12:03. okay. its broughten me a smile. thats about it..
6:55pm
alright, went to this poetry experience again. some people..it seems like they do try to be deep about their writings. and i swear to god. like the top 3 things most of them say before they read are:
"i just scribbled this down..its not good.."
"well, this is kinda weird..so yeah"
"alright, this poem isnt really that good.."
i sometimes slip up and say it too, but then i catch myself and go "doh!" hee hee. aside from the top 3 things i listed, they also tend to say a reallly long story explaining their piece. this one guy in there has a big ego on his writing, he wants to be a professional poet, and im sure he can make it. but come on people. give everyone else a chance to read their poetry too. uhm...it was an okay session. i mostly enjoyed the lunch time. when we didnt have to hear everyone else lag on and on and on about their poetry. [[ i must admit, some of it was good.]] dexter kicks ass. just thought i'd add that in there for no reason. i liked the change of scene for today. but my ass hurt sitting in the same seat for about 7hrs. blah. damn. i've run out of things to say. i've got that doctors appointment tomorrow...hope im not dying. she'll tell me the same shit. hee hee. "eat more fruits, drink more water, exercise" and then she'll scold me about not doing that lately. blah blah blah. who usually does what their doctor tells them to do?? i only will if its a matter of life and death. and she didnt say it was, so there.