Heather was killed as a result of drinking and driving. She was a normal 18 year old at a get together at a friends house where the parents served alcohol to the kids and then told them to leave. She died just 3 weeks before graduation.

Heather was a vibrant, active, beautiful, young lady. She was a cheerleader, a softball player, an honor student, and had a wonderful singing voice. She was just beginning a new crossroads in her life. Enrolled in college and ready to move out on her own. She was very independent, caring , and (hehe) VERY opinionated. She touched everyone she came in contact with in a very special way, and is missed dearly by so many.

We now have a hole inside that will never go away. We continue to search for ways to fill that hole with memories and love for a child that we will never get to see get married, have children or experience life as any adult would experience it. I have learned there is NOTHING more devastating than experiencing the death of a child, a lesson in life I wish with all my heart we didn't have to learn. There are day's we have to drag myself out of bed or force ourselves to get dressed, and search everyday for the drive to go on living in a world where the word normal no longer has meaning.

My immediate family has been there to struggle with us through all the pain and all of the emotions that go with it. Never quite on the same emotional plain with each other, but continuing to try and understand that each of us experiences grief in different stages, at different times, and in different ways. I don't know which day's are harder, the ones where one of us is doing "OK" and the other(s) angry and in the "pit" or when we are all in the pit together. We feel like our extended families no longer really knows us, because we are not who we used to be. But how can they be expected to know who we are when we don't quite know anymore? A part of us died with Heather that night and now we are parents who's heart and arms ache to hold their child once again.

Dennis and I are trying to deal with Heather's death by using this horrible life experience to help others that have to go through this too. We do this by sharing our own grief and letting them know they are not alone. But this is a very selfish thing. For every time we share our pain, it gets just a little more tolerable. But mostly we just "do it", we get up, and try and face each day. But I guess that is progress, because there was a time when we couldn't even do that. Justin still lives at home and for the first year didn't talk about Heather much. He is now beginning to talk about his sister more and share special memories. Christy and Heather were very close. Christy misses her sister very much and expresses that loss in poetry writings. They are beautiful and bring tears to my eyes. She believes very strongly that Heather is here with us watching over and guiding her. And that they will be together again someday.

We still have a hard time dealing with the "special" day's. Christmas is very hard for me. It was Heather's favorite holiday and we always did all the preparation together. We started a new tradition this past Christmas and each of us got a "Heather" gift. All the gifts were somehow symbolic of Heather. Dennis and I got angels for the mantel, Justin got a Heather birthstone ring charm, Christy got an angel globe that plays Amazing Grace (Heathers favorite Hymn), and the granddaughters got Heather dolls... Heather collected porcelain dolls so they now have a start on their "Heather Collection". This gives us an avenue to talk about Heather and keep her memory alive for my grandchildren.

The thing that has worked the best for me when I am in the "pit" is to try and help someone else, in any way. Whether it be doing something special for someone or just listening. It takes "me out of me" for just awhile and helps soften the ache in my heart.

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