†Ethan's House†
Our Angel.....
Kaila Elizabeth.
February 13, 1998 Born Still
I was pregnant for the first time in years. We had given up on the idea actually, but had not done anything to prevent it either. We were shocked when I realized I was pregnant, and so happy too. We did not let ourselves get excited in the beginning, we went through the ultrasounds, the amniocentesis and many blood tests to make sure all was ok. Once everything came back ok and we saw her growing on the ultrasounds and her heart beating we began to let ourselves get excited. This was really going to happen!! It was the end of October when we began telling everyone we were pregnant again; everyone was so excited.
The week before Thanksgiving, November 21, 1997, I came home from work at lunch time with bad pains in my back and stomach. I called the doctor who told me to come to the hospital where he confirmed I was having contractions. They game me shots of Terbutaline every 20 minutes, stopping labor. Kaila was very active and her heart rate was excellent. They sent me home with a prescription for Brethine and orders to stay off my feet.. to do nothing. So home I went, taking the brethine every 4 hours and doing absolutely nothing for the next 3 months. The brethine made me shake alot and increased my heart rate so much that I could hear my heart beating. I was miserable, bored and scared. Each week I went to the doctor for ultrasounds, checkups and so forth. Everything was wonderful. She was growing and healthy. I happily came off the Brethine on Monday, Feb 9, 1998.
On Wednesday February 11, I went into labor. I had a c-section with my son 12 years ago, so they waited until Thursday morning to induce me into full labor. I labored all day on Thursday and on Friday morning my water broke, and at 11:17 am I delivered Kaila naturally with my husband at my side.
We lost Kaila to a cord accident. She was twisting the cord and cut her supply off. This happend quickly, she was 38 weeks. There was movement that day, early in the evening I began labor pains and by 9 pm we were ready to go the hospital. When we got to the hospital they put me on a monitor and did not detect any heart activity. Another ultrasound was done and it was confirmed, we had lost our daughter. We were devastated and in shock. We were so happy when we left the house the night, ready to bring her into our world and in a matter of minutes it was all changed.
We finally got to see the miracle of birth but with such a tragic ending. It was so hard to go through labor and delivery knowing that I would not hear her cry or she would not look at us.
Losing Kaila has changed our lives so much. We had tried for so long for another child, losing 2 to early miscarriages. She made it through all the early months. We are trying so hard to cope with the change in our lives. We have a new found respect for life and live for the moment. We all believe that no longer will we plan too far ahead for anything and have a very hard time dreaming of anything for our futures. There are days that we seem to be joining the living again, but then something happens and we wind up in tears, still asking why. Our faith has truly been tested this time. I have a very hard time believing. People tell me Kaila is safe in God's arms. Well that is nice, but I am selfish and I want her in my arms, I wanted to be the one to love, nurture and protect her! I feel very cheated.
My husband and son have been so strong through all of this, supporting and worrying about me. They are deeply hurt by losing Kaila. My husband is not the happy, carefree guy everyone knew. He tries so hard to be himself once again, but the pain is there, in his eyes, in his voice. Our son Joey is taking it hard also. He tried for weeks to be the strong one for his mom, holding it all in. At night I hear him cry when he lays in bed, I go to him, he tells me how much he misses his sister, how mad he is, how he is jealous of friends we have that are pregnant. He is a caring, sensative child and I see such a change in him. He is sad so often. No longer does he crack a joke about a baby's dirty diapers or keeping him up at night. He so look forward to Kaila being born. He put all the little baby seats and toys together when we got them. He put my sneakers on for me the night I went into labor, carried my bag for me to the car. He was so happy. Then we had to come home and shatter all of his hopes and dreams, tell him his sister had died. I am hoping that now that he is beginning to talk and cry, things will get better for him. He does not deserve this kind of hurt and it breaks my heart as his mother not to be able to take this hurt away for him. I hope and pray that this does not affect him so badly that it will scare him away from having a family of his own someday, although I know if and when that does happen, losing Kaila will be there on his mind and in his heart.
Kaila's grandparents, aunts and uncles were also so devastated by this loss. We were all so looking forward to her. Another baby in the family. My parents especially, since I am an only child, Joey is their only grandchild and they wanted another, this one, so badly. Their hurt is just as deep as ours but they are coping. We too ate beginning to get into a routine slowly. I am returning to work, and people are beginning to ask us to go out again. I know nothing will ever be the same for any of us. Everytime we see a baby we will hurt. We are a stronger family since all of this has happened and we know we need each other very much. We are still working through alot of the anger here and hoping that someday it will subside. Joe and I are planning on attending a group meeting with others that have had this happen to them. Our son Joey is not interested in attending and groups at this time, but may change his mind at some point. He has his school and friends who have been so supportive of him and very helpful.
So far the first important date for me to get through was my due date of Feb. 28, 1998. I spent most of the day in tears and so very angry. As I write this, tomorrow will be Friday March 13, the one month anniversary of Kaila's birth and death. Friday the 13th shall be an awful day for us always. I find it hard right now to go into grocery stores or any store and see all the little stuffed animals and things for Easter, I always wind up in tears, thinking I would have been buying those for Kaila if she were here.
We have found that talking to others that have gone through the same as us has helped and also telling our story again and again seems to help. Allie told me it is called "THE THOUSAND TELLINGS" and that once we tell it a thousand times the healing will take place. We have a long way to go, but are working on it. As with the anger, I have hit a door in my house a few times and even thrown a few things. It does help to let the anger out. Also, I have cleaned everything in my house, using my energy constructively where I can see a result. My husband too has hit a few things and yelled a few times. He is more quiet about his grief than I, but I know that is his way and he does express it to me when we lay in bed at night and talk for hours. I wish I had a miracle cure for our hurt and anger but I don't, but I do know that as each day passes we seem to jump another hurdle and with each jump we heal a little bit more. Do not be afraid of you grief, your anger or your questions. You are entitled to grieve any way that you see fit. This is YOUR loss and noone else's. Do it your way and do things for you!
Copyright 1997-2000 Ethans House,
Inc.
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