How prepared are our children to cope with losses and death? How prepared are we as parents to help our children deal with these losses? What does a parent do when his or her child suddenly appears in the living room saying that a friend has just died?

I did not know what to do when that happened in our family over six years ago. I was totally unprepared for such an event. My children were unprepared. It was something I hoped would never happen to them. Before our son’s death in 1993, our children had four close friends die.

One comment that never fails to makes me angry is “why are you so worried about the kids...they are young and they will get over it in no time...” I was there. I could see them grieving. I knew they needed help. I did not know what to do except listen, be there, give a hug and feed those that could eat. This is why I became interested in how children grieve and grief education for children and teenagers.

Recently I had the wonderful opportunity to attend the International Conference of The Compassionate Friends in Philadelphia along with 1400 other bereaved parents and siblings from around the world. The conference theme was “Healing on the Wings of Love”. Although I went as a bereaved parent and took part in those workshops, I also attended the professional day with the theme “The Proactive Approach to Grief and Loss."

Grief hurts and its pain is universal. Grief is a natural and normal reaction to a loss of any kind. Grief is an emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological response. It has many stages, and everyone’s reaction to grief and loss will different. Grief is the price we pay for love; however, that love will never go away. It is that love that will help us heal. These are things we learn after a death or loss has occurred.

We have not educated ourselves or our children about grief and loss. Our society spends a great deal of time on sex education, but we overlook education dealing with death and loss. Not being able to deal with a significant loss can affect us for the rest of our lives.

As our children go through life they will experience many different types of loss. Death is not the only event that will trigger a grief reaction. A child can grieve because of any change that brings on a negative reaction. Little griefs are such things as moving to a new school or town, loss of a boyfriend or girlfriend, loss of a pet or the loss of one's health. Every loss is significant to the person who has experienced the loss. If our children learn to cope with the little losses, they will be better prepared to cope with the larger and more traumatic loss, such as, the death of a loved one.

That’s why we should educate them before the loss occurs. Education will not take the hurt away, but it will provide the tools to help them deal with the grieving process. They will know what is normal and what is not.

I missed many opportunities to teach about grief and loss over the years. Although we had funerals for the fish, hamsters and mice, I missed the opportunity to discuss death with my children. These are the opportunities when feelings can be discussed. This can be a time to develop good communication skills between parent and child. They realize we are open to discussions about their pain. As parents we want to shield them from this hurt. We want to fix it. We go out and replace the pet before the child has finished experiencing the loss. This teaches the child that things are replaceable. We miss these opportunities because we want our children to be happy, instead of dealing with the feelings caused by the death or the loss.

Children are often times referred to as the forgotten grievers. Children grieve differently than adults. Sometimes when we see a young child playing after a significant loss we think they are doing fine. A child cannot sustain a long period of grieving and will escape into play. They can feel isolated and alone as they do not understand their feelings. Unresolved grief can be triggered again by other stressful events later in their lives.

Children have a different understanding of death at different developmental stages in their lives. As the child moves through the different stages in their life, they may experience the grief again in a more mature way. Children, as well as adults, need to be educated about the normal feelings of grief. Death may be a confusing shock to them. It will bring up deep emotional reactions that they may not understand.

We, as parents, can be faced with two dilemmas in trying to help our children deal with their grief. The first one is that if the deceased is a family member, we are so involved with our own grief it is hard to help someone else. The second one can be that we feel we must have an answer.

This can put up a barrier to communications. All the child really needs is a good listener and their questions answered simply and honestly. They need to know we share their pain, but we do not have all the answers.

Sometimes we fail to recognize that children need help to cope with their grief and a safe environment in which to do it. Children do not always understand their reactions and emotions. They, as well as adults, need help with the grieving process.

Nothing in the life of a child will affect them more deeply than the death of a brother, sister, parent or friend. Not only does the death touch the child, but they can become secondary victims. They can die emotionally and be left handicapped for life if their grief is not resolved.

How can we help our children cope with grief? The most important thing we can do for our children is to be there and to listen. We can encourage them to express their feelings through talking, writing, and art. We can express our feelings to our children. This is giving them permission to grieve. Grieving is a long process. Children will need continued support long after we think they ‘should be over it’.

If the deceased is a family member, let the children take part in the funeral preparations if they want. It can also be helpful to contact the child’s teacher, principal or counselor to make the return to school less painful if the death has been in your family. The child should be prepared for different reaction from their peers in the form of questions or avoidance.

The schools are starting to recognize the need to include some grief education in the curriculum. They have a crisis response team if there is a death within the school, but this does not help a child cope with other deaths and losses away from the school situation. There is no long term follow up by the crisis response team. We cannot expect the schools to be able to do everything, but there could be a place for grief and loss education in the family life program. There is much that can be done by parents and the community in the field of grief education for our children.

There is a need for follow-up self-help groups after a death occur. There is a need for a safe place for children to express their feelings. I would like to see Home and School or PTA, the community, and parents take a more active role in the field of grief and loss education.