I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

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I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

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I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

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I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

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I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

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I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.

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Someone told me, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

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You know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.