The above words present the ideal in a caregiving and care receiving relationship. Unfortunately this ideal is fraught with problems.

First, we are saturated with a pragmatic culture. We are so physically, materially and task oriented that we miss the emotional and spiritual side of life. There is nothing glamorous about the heavy labor or arduous task of caring for someone's physical needs. A chore to be done, a task to be completed can make caregiving only a job. The receiver is just as subjected a culture which requires everyone to work and carry his own load. So instead of feeling good about being a happy receiver, we are made to feel guilty.

Second, when faced with unending and difficult chores, a person tends to regress. Trying to cope with all the daily problems, such as financial, traffic, maintenance of home and yard, etc., is a heavy load in itself. The added burden of caring for someone can cause regression; that is, you return to child-like feelings. You remember being forced to do boring tasks that took away from play. Regression produces feelings which say, "It's not fair." Not only is there resentment but also guilt for feeling the resentment. The receiver also regresses due to his/her child-like helplessness. These feelings of regression must be faced squarely with understanding and love, but also with reassurance and encouragement. There must be a return to a full adult understanding of love as the motivating force.

All of life is a process of giving and receiving. If you learn to give from a generous heart, life is better. Giving cannot exist without a receiver. A gracious receiver contributes as much to life as does a generous giver. Everyone needs the ability to give and to receive.

One's person's needs are only different, not more or less. The handicapped person can certainly give back just as much or more than he receives. Which is more important: to lift a body or lift a soul? Helping a person from the chair to the bed is no greater a gift than having your soul and spirit lifted with a grateful, "Thank you. You are so wonderful to me!"

Let me reassure and encourage you, both givers and receivers: a spirit that gives openly and freely also receives openly and freely. When you are "person-centered" instead of "task-centered" a marvelous thing will occur. When that precious person you are helping sees you as a precious person the difficulty goes away. A precious person connects with a precious person and precious moments of intimacy occur. To rise above a burdensome task and reach a spiritual high is not easy but it is possible.

During the time of care, I recommend that you intermittently draw an intense focus on the person you are helping. Look at his face and say to yourself, "You precious soul." As a receiver, you look at the one helping you and say to yourself, "You precious soul." Do this often and occasionally say it aloud. Your feelings will soar above your duty as a caregiver and your feelings will soar above your feelings of helplessness as a receiver. The value of the person transcends the difficulty of the moment for both persons. Intimacy is sure to occur. The difficult moments are converted to precious moments due to love and intimacy!

Dr. Larry D Williams. Dr. Williams is a psychotherapist and has a private practice in Dallas, Texas. Taken from DAPPA DOINGS Newsletter. Spring 1997. Published by the Dallas Area Post-Polio Association.